I have been stuck on a financial roller coaster on and off for 14 years with the same man. We were married, but I did divorce him 2 years ago when we separated for what seems like the hundredth time... but back together again and living together. The problem is money and financial responsibility. I have no matter where I worked or how much I've made seem to always end up being the one to pay all the bills.
He's always worked and has always had a child support payment, but has never taken responsibility for our homes and bills. Most recently, he convinced me to get back together and buy a house (we've always rented each time we've gotten together). Once again, I pay all the bills, buy all the groceries, and take care/buy everything for our child. He "decided" we needed a new vehicle. I work at home and hardly ever drive. I told him to not bring home a huge payment... but now he has a $400 payment. Until this point even before the car payment he never contributed to the household expenses. After purchase of the car his child support for another child he has was increased. So now he pays the car payment, insurance on that vehicle, and cell phone bill... I pay everything else and I'm not happy. Should I be? I don't feel like I could rely on him for anything.
Also to add... I support him financially in every way because he claims broke after paying those few things... I end up buying his cigarettes,putting gas in the vehicle, every time we go out to do anything I foot the bill.
If someone were daily bringing you ready-made cups of sweet tea, why on earth would they expect you to have the incentive and motivation for getting off your a*se and going out to the shop to buy teabags, milk and sugar? You might have all the conscious willingness in the world for contributing to that provision, but when it actually comes down to it, ones urges to act towards accrual exist as a response to an *unmet* need.
By having always got back into the relationship with him each time, you've proven your terminations to lack credulity and instead shown acceptance of the status quo. So why have you?
Psych Fact: If someone keeps doing something over and over then it's because they're getting something out of it.
Where in the rulebook does it say that relationships have to be Tit For Tit equal in a directly consecutive fashion? This Irish saying is actually Tit for *Tat* (this for that). So what of 'value' are you getting from this relationship ASIDE from financial support?
There must be something/s, right? And they must mean either more or equal to you than him bringing in money above and beyond his child maintenance payments. If not, the lack of, not equality but EQUITY would have kicked the love out of you already. And yet it hasn't. So please list all the benefits you get from sharing your life with this man that have nothing to do with the financial.
Does he happen to have qualities and attitudes that you've always found your good provider alpha types lack?
A list of all the things that are keeping you in this relationship would be mighty handy - for you and for all the advisers here.
Honestly... I\'ve run out of what still exists between us. I feel I am no longer in love with him. I look at him and feel resentment and regret. I feel foolish for once again believing his promise of change at the time of our last make up. There is no sex and I have no desire for intimacy with him at this point. I so desperately wanted to believe in change because of our child that we have together. I am aware that I have codependency issues and enabling issues because of things from my childhood.
"I am aware that I have codependency issues and enabling issues because of things from my childhood."
Maybe. But that's more to do with why you got and stuck with him in the first place. Now we're dealing with an altogether different syndrome: you're simply making the mistake that *all* very protective mothers of young children make in assuming a "broken home"/single-parented childhood will fu-I mean tuck them up. It's a programming malfunction, not our fault.
Break-ups happen for a reason and are a blessing in disguise. Aside from the fact you'll find/be found by someone else - someone, thanks to this lesson learned and assimilated, who has the same appealing up-sides yet NOT this serious down-side - it's a fact that an overall contented mother is what ensures the child grows up likewise. "Own oxygen mask first".
There can be other psychological influences in play, too, such as, being ready yet not ideally placed to have another baby thus using an only SEEMINGLY grown man as ones baby substitute.
So since you feel virtually nothing for this man and are getting nothing in return - which nulls and voids the tacit understanding of a romantic transgender relationship contract - then you're not actually causing anything to be over. It IS over and simply demands recognition and response.
He'll still get to have a fatherly relationship of sorts with his child (assuming you can refrain from using your kid as a resentment-channeling pawn) but father is a verb before it's a noun, meaning, no proper work? - NO PROPER PERK (by which I mean, getting to live 24/7 under the same roof).
Tell him he has to shape up or ship out (or just ship out).