Complicated love life
Earlier this year I cheated on my girlfriend with another woman. The other woman was someone I had worked with last year, although she is French and was living in Belgium when I became re-acquainted with her. We basically ran into each other at a festival in France and got chatting.. and I ended up going to visit her afterwards. We had an intense weekend, and my head was full of crazy feelings for her. To the point where I booked another weekend to go and see her.
After this I started feeling extremely guilty (as I should have been). The feelings of guilt became unbearable to the point where my girlfriend (who I was having a long distance relationship with) could tell something was upsetting me asked me if I had cheated on her. I admitted everything. She was devastated and we subsequently broke up. In all of this, my feelings for my girlfriend didn't really change as such.. I still cared about her, but maybe didn't love her. Perhaps I was never 'in love', thus the terrible things I did. My girlfriend wanted to leave it on a "we may get back together one day but in the future".
After we broke up, I felt awful for a few days but then started feeling a bit better. I had already had a trip booked to see the other woman, and although initially I had thought this was a bad idea, I decided to go. We had another intense weekend, and I felt upset when we parted ways, as she was actually moving to the US that week.
We continued to talk on the phone and online every day. I was completely unsure what to do, but I've been very unhappy lately in general, including my career. My family suggested to me, why not go out to the city in the states where she lives and look for work. She lives in a city where there are a lot of jobs in my industry, and I've always dreamed of living abroad. After this I decided that I would try and do this. Of course the girl in America was pleased by this news, although slightly apprehensive. I was apprehensive too.. I made the point that she was the catalyst for me coming, but not the reason. The reason was to try something new in life and experience a different place. We agreed that we would see other people in the mean time, which she was already doing.
Our conversations became more intense, and we were writing letters to each other as well. She started using the acronym "ILU" when talking to me, as a way of expressing her feelings without directly saying "I love you" which could be a bit too much. I reciprocated in this, but was of the stance that we would see how things go when I get there. Things could work, they might not. I wanted it to be chilled out.
A few days ago she told me she loved me, and i said i was unsure of my feelings at the moment. She has other stresses at the moment which added to her reaction, but she was very angry at me for this. Her reaction completely scared me, and now I feel like I maybe feel differently altogether. Moving abroad is a massive thing, that I was having to put a lot of energy into thinking about. Now I feel emotionally numb, and unsure of what to do. We had a civil conversation last night, and I told her there might still be a chance of me coming. This morning though she rang me and asked me if we were "together". I said I just don't know at the moment, and again she was angry of course. I feel like I am massively upsetting her. I don't want to be unsure about everything, but I am. I know the sensible thing would be to just tell her I dont think its going to work, everything is too uncertain and I don't want to hurt us both anymore. On top of all of this, my ex contacted me yesterday after a month of no talk, wanting a conversation. I'm not sure whether she wants to tell me shes met someone else or whether she wants to get back together. Either way I'm a bit stressed out about this too.
I feel like I've made some terrible decisions and hurt so many people, including myself, recently. I just want to be happy and to be honest with everyone. It's just very hard when I clearly don't understand my own feelings. Someone told me they thought I was using the girl in the states as an anchor to change my life, and that that was wrong. Maybe they're right.
Apologies for the length of this message.. I'm sure people will tell me the obvious, which is that I've been a complete idiot. I know I have, I just want to do the right thing for everybody. I'm sick of being miserable and making other people feel miserable too.
You seem to be "following" a woman to another country and are concerned about making the ILU declaration to her? How confusing for her. THAT'S how this woman sees this. I can't blame her. Talk about mixed messages!!
But she didn't HEAR or understand your statement that SHE was not the reason why you were moving near her. She thinks its BECAUSE of her. Now, in her eyes, you have committed yourself. Is that the message you want to convey to her?
I don't think you even know what you want. You are not ready to make ANY commitment to ANY woman. Concentrate on your career and what's best for it. THEN include women into your life.