on Sep 16 2014 at 05:27
Just joined this forum in hope of getting advice from people outside the messed up situation I am in. Where do I start? Ok before I continue let me say I no what I've done is wrong and I am accountable for what I have done, and I deeply regret the choices I have made, but I just don't no how to move forward. I met this guy 3 years ago. We were going out for a year and half. We were incredibly close, we loved each other insanely, we spoke all day and all night. We never got bored of each other, it felt like true love, I felt complete. From the moment we met each other we both knew we wanted to spend our future with each other. I am from the Asian community and we have a stupid thing called a caste system. My boyfriend was a different caste to me. When I told my parents about him they didn't agree. They refused. I felt so hurt, I wish I was a stronger person then to fight my corner and to have fighter for what I wanted. But my dad is a heart patient and he has a panic attack over this situation because he was dead against it. I was in tears for seeing what I did to my father, because of my indefinite love him. So I accepted my dad's terms that I could not marry him. I told my boyfriend this and he was devastated, his parents knew about me and they accepted me. None the less we continued dating and out live just grew stronger. My dad suggested a potential alliance, and because I didn't want to put my dad through what I did before I accepted the marriage alliance and married a guy I didn't love. My boyfriend on the other hand was heartbroken, we continued to date. He said to me, get married to him and then leave him. That way my parents Will have to accept my boyfriend because I would have gone through a divorce. In my head at that time it made sense and I listened to what my fb told me. My wedding day was the worst day of my life I was so sad. My bf watched me marry another man. I feel terrible.
So it took me 16 months to leave the guy I married. My boyfriends and his cousin kept on telling me to leave my husband asap. But it took time, because I needed him to leave me. I did leave him a few months ago. My bf was sure that his family would accept me. He was so happy that I left and we were so close to being together. My parents agreed that I could marry him. He told his parents about me 3 weeks ago, they hit the roof. They were pissed of at him for still being in contact with me whilst I was married, they refused me and told him not to contact me. He cut me off, changed his no, everything all in one day. His cousin phoned me to tell me not to attempt to contact him. But I still tried, I contacted his work, he refused to talk me. I Facebook messaged his work colleagues, they didn't reply and he told some of them to ignore me and ignore future messages I Send them. I emailed him he didn't reply, he cut me out instantly and left me heartbroken. For 3 years he stood by me, and all of a sudden he disappeared. It's the 3rd week now Iv not had no contact with him. I just don't no what to do. I've lost everything for him. My family, friends, my husband (who wasn't a bad guy). My fb made me all these promises that he will stand by me no mater what. But just because his family said no because they are concerned about there own family reputation. He left me. I'm finding it so hard to move on, I don't even no how to. I cry all day and all night, I miss him so much. But he don't care about me. What do I do?
on Sep 16 2014 at 05:40
So he encouraged you to follow your parent's demands to marry a man you didn't love, cheats with you on your husband, then you get a shameful divorce - yet he will not stand up to his parents when you are free to be with you.
He does not keep his promises. He made you lie and cheat. He has made you do things that are dishonest and hurt other people.
Please see that this "boy" is not an honorable man.
on Sep 16 2014 at 05:52
I understand. But I love him so much. I no I am at fault too, I wish I didn\'t get myself in this mess. But I feel as if I can\'t live without him. Everything reminds me of him, we have the same social circles. I no I\'m being silly, but I feel that he does love me but he\'s so scared to go against his family. But then I think I went through so much to get to where I am today. 3 years of my life I have given to him and he\'s left me with nothing. I miss him so much, I want to be with him. I\'ve seen my future with him. And It hurts me, it kills me that he\'s cut all ties with me. But I feel an urge to fight for him, cos he is the only guy I have ever loved like this. I was thinking of going to his workplace next week in the hope of getting some kind of closure. His workplace is a 2hr drive from me, and that too I don\'t even no if he will be there. But I just feel as if I have to try one last time, cos I\'ve ruined my life for him.
on Sep 16 2014 at 21:38
I can understand why you decided to do what you did ie marry and divorce just so that you and your bf could be together. Asian parents can put a lot of pressure on their children which can be both mentally and emotionally draining.
You deserve answers now from your bf. You cannot wait until next week to see him. Your bf may have become influenced by his parents but he KNEW what he was getting himself into. He had enough time to prepare and plan (16 months) He must have known how his parents were going to react when he said he wanted to marry you after getting divorced. He cannot just leave you hanging like this.
You have every right to demand answers. Do not leave it too long. For all you know, his parents might be arranging for him to get married.
Good luck and do let us know what happens.
on Sep 16 2014 at 22:44
Another thing is that his cousin sister phoned me last week and told me not to contact him ever again. She also said if I tell anyone about me and my bf she goes I will further tarnish my own reputation. She said my bf has moved on and told me to do the same. I don't get it. This is the same person that was telling me to leave my husband too. She said I took too long. I was so angry with her I hung up on her. She replied via text saying I don't appreciate you hanging up on me and said some nasty things to me and said I need to let to.
I'm actually so scared to go and see him next week. Because I fear he will reject me, i don't even no if he will speak to me. I don't even no how to make him understand what he's put me through! I would go sooner but his shift patterns are different. How do I cope if he basically tells me to get lost?
on Sep 16 2014 at 23:03
How will you cope if he tells you to get lost? That is something you should address later 'IF' he tells you to get lost.
Firstly, do not listen to the cousin. You need to talk to him direct. The promises were made between you both, not a 3rd party.
She said you took too long? Surely your bf knew when you were finally about to walk out of your marriage? So how can they now say you took too long!
Sorry to be blunt but the reply you should have given to his cousin was that you have already tarnished your reputation by leaving your husband for HER cousin, so to be honest, you really dont have anything to lose now. You just need to get answers from him.
on Sep 17 2014 at 04:57
Tis is all very mysterious and you do need an explanation directly from him. Stop talking to these relatives and friends.
But going to his workplace is not a good idea. You must work to arrange a talk with him and find out what happened.
Do not beg or make yourself out to be so needy. You just want to hear an explanation.
BOTH of you made some foolish decisions. Both of you need closure.
on Sep 17 2014 at 06:01
I have no way of communicating with him, which is why I made the decision to go to his workplace. He had changed his number. I contacted his team leader at work and my bf refused to speak to me. I know going to his workplace is not a good idea, but what other choice do I have if there's no means for me to get in contact with him. I just don't understand why he completely cut me off? I didn't expect that all. Do he maybe think he doesn't love me? I can't get my head around it, cos of he did love me he would have made at least one phone call to explain.
on Sep 17 2014 at 16:02
Every one DESERVES answers. And you have the answers. He is a coward. When it was you putting everything on the line he was all for it. But then when it came to him doing the hard thing he chickens out. You two know your culture more then I do.
You wouldn't marry him because you loved your father more. You married another man because you wanted to please your family. Now its his turn. He wants to please his family more then he wants to be with you. Talk is easy. And people talk a lot. You promised your husband fidelity I'm sure but that didn't happen.
How do you go from here? You understand that you have been deceived. You pull yourself together and you focus on fixing your life. Your ex bf no longer wants anything to do with you. Does it really matter why? The bottom line is he wants you to go away.
on Sep 17 2014 at 19:19
You will not know why he cut you off until you do not physically see him. If, after you see him, he tells you he does not want to have anything to do with you then I guess you have your answer. As I said before, asian people can can emotionally and physicaly drain a persons thinking. He is most probably influenced by his elders and everyone around him just like the way you were.
If he really does love you, I bet once he sees your face, he will have the strength to fight everyone. Go and see him.
on Sep 18 2014 at 17:43
Thanks for the advice, it's appreciated. I really hope I get to see him next week; and I hope he speaks to me. For some reason I just feel so scared to see him.
on Sep 18 2014 at 17:45
Thanks for the advice, it's appreciated. I really hope I get to see him next week; and I hope he speaks to me. For some reason I just feel so scared to see him. Ive never felt scared to see him before. I think maybe because I may lose the love of my life, my heart can't seem to accept it.
on Sep 18 2014 at 23:09
Is there no trusted friend who can answer your questions? someone - not a relative - who knows what's going on.
We can all speculate what happened for him to change his mind, but no one knows for sure. He may have some bad or erroneous information and made a decision, or his family may be threatening him or he may be married!
Last resort: hire an investigator to see what he does after work.
on Sep 19 2014 at 16:15
No there is no one. Nobody knew about us. Here I was getting myself all psyched up to see him next week. Hoping Seeing him will make things better... And this morning he deletes my brothers of instagram (social media site). I just don't get it. He was good friends with my brothers. That really hurt me, I'm just thinking the worst and I can't stop crying. I don't no what's wrong with me, i feel so so low. I just feel like he's cutting all ties with me and I just don't get it. Did I mean that little to him that he can just erase me from his life like I never existed. Cos my existence was for him and I can't forget what we both shared. I just feel so betrayed and I feel like an idiot!
on Sep 19 2014 at 22:12
You will continue to go through all these emotions until you do not see him. You will not know why he removed your brother from insta until you do not see him.
Susiedq is right. Do not beg and do not come across needy. You just need an explanation.
Until you do not get that explanation, pick yourself and STOP feeling sorry for yourself. He has walked out of your life but you will not know the reasons until you do not see him. Save your energy for that.
on Sep 20 2014 at 20:27
Thanks for the advice. I have moments when I break down badly and then moments when I think I can't let him still control my life. Any suggestions on what I should ask/say to him? Because I can see myself breaking down and just crying. And I don't want him to see how clingy I am and how much I need him. Any advice? Because I want him back.
on Sep 21 2014 at 09:50
The most obvious question to ask him is why has he stopped all contact with you when you both had plans to break off YOUR marriage and plan a future together. Depending on what his answer is, I guess only you will know what questions to ask him further.
The only advice that can be given to you at present is to go and see him, demand answers and then perhaps come back to this forum so that we can try and shed some light on your situation.
on Oct 25 2014 at 20:20
I was all set for going to see my ex bf at his workplace. But then I didn't end up going because something stopped me, maybe the fear of rejection. It was so hard not to go because I wanted answers! To how the man I love can break my heart and leave me with nothing. A few close friends told me he isn't worth it, despite me doing wrong, if he wanted me in his life he would make the effort to be in my life. I psyched myself up knowing I will never speak to the love of my life again. It was so hard, even today it still is. I miss him so much, everyday I still have moments when I break down and cry because I miss him so much. I wanted to put things right. So I decided to tell my husband the whole truth about my ex bf and that we had an affair. My husband is grateful that I have told him the truth, but he said he won't be able to forgive me, so he will be divorcing me. So atm life is very hard for me. It hurts knowing that I have upset so many people, family and friends. It hurts me a lot knowing my ex bf has moved on so easily with his life as if nothing has happened. But for me my whole life has broken down right in front of me. And I just don't no how to lift myself up again?! Any advice?
on Oct 25 2014 at 23:44
Husband?!! Telling your husband the truth? I thought you were divorced!!
How were you able to mess around for 3 years with a BF?
Well THAT may be one reason your BF has cut you off.
You have made some very foolish decisions. Seek counseling to sort all this out before you sink into depression.
on Oct 26 2014 at 18:02
No we have been separated, in the process of filing for a divorce. I accept that I have made foolish decisions. But I fell in love too deeply with the wrong person. And I felt I had to tell my husband the whole truth cos it wasn't fair on him. And I do hate myself for putting him through this, but hurting him was the last thing I wanted. I didn't do all this intentionally. It just happened.
on Oct 27 2014 at 13:19
Didn't do all WHAT intentionally? WHAT 'just happened'? Au contraire, you chose to eschew your own principles in favour of your father's/your community's (okay, forgiveable all things and pressure considered), thereby KNOWINGLY used your ex2b (again, forgiveable all things and pressure considered), and then, most of all, VERY TELLINGLY *DITHERED* over leaving ex2b for your lover despite the plan all along had supposedly been to stay married to him *only for as long as was necessary* for the purpose of creating the illusion of having followed the honourable path (- NOT forgiveable)...albeit you messed up that plan anyway by cheating with your lover WHILST you were married.
Your dithering would have given your bf doubts as well as given his own parents ammunition when it came to convincing him to re-conform, a la, 'If she REALLY loved you, why not take her first available opportunity to be with you?'.
Yes, why DIDN'T you? Your answer is this: "So it took me 16 months to leave the guy I married. My boyfriends and his cousin kept on telling me to leave my husband asap. But it took time, because I needed him to leave me."
Because I needed him to leave ME.
Because I was too concerned about remaining looking like the squeaky-clean one.
So you DO know why it ended. By having paid too much consideration over looking non-reproachable to one quarter, you failed to consider how you'd look to the other, supposedly more important one (which was, like a woman NOT gagging to be with her supposed soulmate despite all such claims).
You sacrificed love for public image and false pride. So now bf is, thanks to pressuring, doing the same. Because real love says TO HELL with what anybody else thinks! Certainly as much as is POSSIBLE.
I repeat, you could have been the one to leave ex2b-husband.
That you didn't, is why you're now paying the price.
Next time, put your real relationship as uppermost in the list of priorities as *possible* and don't take your partner so much for granted (ref 'devastated, heartbroken') that you believe you can make him wait that much longer than originally agreed.
This current agony will make SURE that next time you don't. That's what it's designed for.
Saying that, however, likewise if your lover had deep-down, truly believed you and he *were* the real, ultimate thing, he too wouldn't have put his own pride/need for public approval ahead of you and your relationship, meaning he COULDN'T have been convinced by his family that you weren't truly the one. He'd have had more understanding over why you dithered.
Ultimately, therefore, NEITHER of you put one another first in the context of the highest position that had been available. So the upshot it this: No, you and he were NOT meant to be forever-Amen. You two were just the best you'd known AT THAT POINT (which includes still now), not the ultimate best that life had in store for you both. So that means there's Him, but with BETTER, GREATER bells on, waiting in your wings (- imagine that!).
You've done the crime, now do the time 'like a good girl'. And then, once the sentence is at its end, you'll get your reward.
That's how it goes. Always. Guaranteed.
on Oct 27 2014 at 13:30
PS: Just so's we're absolutely clear on this: you and he were MEANT to stuff up. BECAUSE you're not each other's ultimate. Just each other's stepping stone to a greater destination. You each 'knew' that so did as you were each 'bid'. And now is merely the difficult, uncomfortable transition period between one era and the next. (It gets better.)
When you're each other's ultimate (which you can just sense without doubt), you just somehow DON'T ever stuff up. You'd DIE for each other, let alone go against/turn your back on society or forgive anything that doesn't actually pose a threat to basic survival.
on Nov 14 2014 at 18:35
I appreciate what u have said. Last Monday I decided to go and see my ex bf. It was a spot of the moment thing, I was leaving for work, but I decided to go and see him instead. I just had a sudden urge to see him and I listened to my heart and I went to his workplace. I waited till he came out. He was so happy to see me, I started crying cos I couldn't get my words out. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. But I couldn't stop because I missed him so much. He told me not to cry and wiped my tears away. He suggested we go inside to a cafe and sit and talk, which we dId. So I asked him the question, why did u cut me out? Why did u let me go? He said he had to cos his parents told him too and he also said that everyday has been so hard for him, everyday he thinks about me and wanted to phone me and come and see me. But he said he couldn't because he was being strong for both of us as he is convinced his family will never accept. He said because I have a bad reputation and there's no one on his side in his family who he can talk to cos thy are all against it. At that moment I thought to myself, the only thing he cares about is what his friends and family think. He kept saying I will loose my friends, I will lose my family if I tell them that I still want to be with u. He told everyone he didn't want to be with me, he said he went into defence mode and didn't want anyone to think bad of him so he made me out to be bad. I got my answer that there will never be an us. I got upto leave; he grabbed my hand and said wait. I want to be with u, I am going to fight for u. Those words meant so much to me, that I felt our love will be worth it.
I got home that same day and he added me on Skype and we spoke about how we can go about the situation. He was adamant that he needs to speak to someone, the whole of last week we spoke. And he said on Friday he will tlak to someone. He then rings me at the end of the week and says we can't be together, no one will accept. And I said are u doing this to me again. And that was it, he cut me out for a second time. But this time it's harder, cos I no I won't ever be able to live without him.
I told my family about what happened. They arranged a meeting to sit with him. They asked my ex bf what do u want. He turned around and said I want her to stop contacting me, he said I was never in a relationship with her whilst she was married, he also stated that he only spoke to me whilst I was married because he felt sorry for me. He made out to my family that I'm an insane person that had an imaginary relationship with him. How can the man I love do this to me? More than anything the fact that he denied any relationship we had and said he was a sympathy friend to me broke down my world. I don't no what to think or what to do! Why would he say such cruel words.
on Nov 14 2014 at 19:48
"Why would he say such cruel words?
Because he has no backbone to stand up for what he wants. So he is a coward.
And now you see he is also a liar.
Yes, you WILL live without him. He would not make a good partner.
on Nov 15 2014 at 09:50
Why is it so hard to let go? I no everyone goes through break ups. And everyone does continue to get on with life. I can say my situation is different. But then maybe it's cos im at the lowest point in my life. It's a lot harder for me because the community I live in always talk and gossip. And now him denying any relationship with me makes me look like a psycho. My ex bf has honestly left me with nothing. And the worst thing is I don't even no if he ever loved me, cos of he did he would never have said such things. And now I'm thinking maybe he wanted to hurt me and leave me with nothing. He said he doesn't want anyone to think bad of him, meaning it's ok for people to think bad of me. He came with his brother in law to speak to my family. Even his brother in law denied it, and he Very well knew we were in a relationship too. I can't believe what he has done to me. I can't explain to anyone how I feel. I just feel so so sad.
on Nov 15 2014 at 13:26
Why is is to hard to let go? Quite simply because you've had YEARS for your attachment 'tendrils' to take root 'inside him' and get a firm grip. Just because he's in almost one fell swoop ripped his out of you (which is painful enough for you on its own), doesn't mean you have.
He has fear and cowardice to help him do it and stay firm against backtracking. You haven't. Let me analogise that: if you're a button he has the incredible urge to press but alongside that button reads, PRESS THIS AND FOREVER LOSE YOUR PUBLIC & SOCIAL STATUS AND APPROVAL, he's not going to press it, is he. He's going to stay well away from it. You have no such warning message to give you deterrent strength by, do you. Or so you merely think.
You do, actually. And it reads this: PRESS THIS AND LIVE A VERY UNHAPPY LIFE - YOU AND YOUR PENDING KIDS - AT THE MERCY OF A MAN DEVOID OF A BACKBONE, MATURITY OR SENSE OF PROPER, HEALTHY LIFE PRIORITIES OTHER THAN PUBLIC VENEER, AS WILL INEVITABLY ONE DAY LEAVE YOU HATING HIS GUTS BUT UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, LET ALONE ESCAPE.
It's early days, still, meaning, your mind is too upset and addled to be capable of really appreciating what magnitude of permanent bullet you've just dodged, thanks perversely to him and his incredible cowardice. But you will. It's guaranteed.
Meantime, people are *not* stupid. They just make complicit deals ("we'll just decide to think and believe this / aye/aye/aye!"). Other people - more outsiders - likewise know the logical truth. If they like you, they'll allow logic and truth to reign. If they don't or never did, they'll pretend to believe the lie as well. Berbom, that's it. BUT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM KNOWS WHETHER WHAT THEY'RE SUBSCRIBING TO IS TRUTH OR LIE.
So, no, you don't look like a psycho. You look like someone who trusted someone else majorly but, like too many others, had that trust broken as well as proved false and misplaced, meaning either you're too instantly trusting or the guy was a con merchant. Again - everyone who knows him or *isn't* the village idiot will know which.
A *Grade A coward* loved you. There you go. (Whoopie-doo, eh?)
But do you need a coward as your teammate in life? Answer: NO. You need a man. Life is hard ENOUGH without having an all-talk-no-action chocolate teapot on your back instead of a teammate.
He'll get his, don't you worry. And so will his aiders, abettors, accomplices and puppet-masters (and mealy-minded gossips). What goes around, comes around.
If what you send round is sh*t, what you get back is sh*t to the power of 100. If what you send round is decency and love, what you get back is decency and love to the power of 100. That's how it works.
You didn't do anything but judge him based on you and what *you're* like thus trusted him to be the same. You'll be fine and happy whilst he'll live a life of misery. Thad'll learn him, eh.
Don't feel sad, feel relieved that NEXT time you enter a relationship with a coward (IF, not when), you'll be able to very quickly spot all the signs that say so. And then you'll be able to get out immediately and NOT take a hit.
See him as a really helpful practise aid that got thrown on courtesy of life/nature/Fate for getting you fitter, ready for a REAL man - as includes the basic called courageousness. A real man that you're destined to cross paths with once the time for both of you to do so is right. Be excited about that. Because it's how it works, it's real, it's coming, seen it too many times before to deny it.