Marriage after an affair
My husband and I have been together since we were 18.. all together coming up to 20 years. Three young children. Life has been busy and our youngest was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when he was 2 which is challenging. My husband suffers from Chrohns diagnosed in his early 30′s and has never accepted it. I went back working last year part time teaching to earn more money to save and was finding it stressful but wanted to see the year through and then drop back to just one day. Half way through the year he suddenly left saying that he did not love me. He had been acting strangely before but I thought it was because he was having a flare up of his illness and was taking steroids which can affect your mood. He was so quick to move out and rent his own place. He went on gambling and drinking binges and took more than half our savings. He has always drank and gambled .. I would ask him to cut back but he would for a while and then be back at it. I think that is why I went back to work because he was spending so much money.
I asked him if he was seeing anyone but he denied it. I believed him. He would not talk to me or any family or friends. This didn’t suprise some because he has a side of arrogance and reacting without thinking. After 2 months of trauma, not eating,blaming myself for going back to work, and not hardly leaving the house (I quit my job) he told me he was seeing the single mother who he works with. He had only been in the job 6 months. I had not met her just seen her the once .. I trusted him always never doubted that he would be unfaithful. He wanted to come back and I said he could if we went to councilling. He came back for 2 days and was harrassed by her phone calls. He then left again telling me he was messed up and needed time. Devastating the kids and I again. He said he had ended it with her. The next day I was called by child support. I rang my husband and he said he did notlove me. I was so angry because after the months of agony I felt so stupid that I didn’t realize what he was doing. I found out that he had even gone to Bali with her and the daughter. I ended up going to their work to look her in the eye. She seemed so ugly because I guess i only have seen good in people and couldn’t believe a woman would
be so selfish. He ended up placing a restraining order on me .. again something I found unbelievable and cowardly. After about 6 weeks I was beginning to get stronger with reality. The kids were seeing him on second weekends. He then began ringing at home which was against restraining order.. if I spoke to him I could have ended up in jail. Then he sent a text to say that he was sorry and would I meet him. I did and he was a mess. Wanting to come home. No one wanted me to. I agreed on councilling and he moved in with his mum. After 2 months I let him home. He has a new job. Every thing seemed ok but 6 months later I am feeling numbness. He has been drinking his way through his guilt. Still gambling and wants to go out all the time with me but after blowing about 30k in the last year we just can’t afford it. We go out a lot.more than most people. He has stopped drinking a bit as I called him an alcoholic but I feel like he just hasnt got what it takes to be a responsible dad and a partner to me who is on the same track. He is still not happy with his job (always never lasted more than 3 years at one place) he always wants days off even if he has no time off due. I am finding all of this really depressing and wondering if I made a big mistake taking him back. I have almost lost my our best friends who dont like him because he didn’t like it when they were advising me what to do when he left. My family have accepted my decision but I know they don’t really like him.
He can be so much fun and witty, is very good looking but I think perhaps he is not a good person. I am depressed, having flashbacks of last year.Embarrassed that everyone knows what he did.We have stopped talking again. I think he knows I am having doubts so he is making extra efforts but I think it might be too late. Not really a believer I god but I just want to know what to do. Will I be happier to be on my own and build a better life. Will I regret it later? Is there hope for our marriage when he has done so much damage?
You are one strong women i can tell you that to be putting up with his bad habits, juggling time for your children & supporting them financially. I applaud you for being a very strong person
you quoted:"Ater about 6wks I was beginning to get stronger with reality. The kids were seeing him on second weekends"...
you should have left it that way, you got you & your kids in a routine that didn't involve him nor did you need him & his habits to be draining yous down & i can see the pattern that it puts a strain not only on your relationship but also a disappointment on your childrens face when hes at present then disappears.
I can also see the pattern with your husband aswell, when times get rough in your family situation he's running to the nearest exit door but when things seem to look up for your family he comes running back.
Me personally your better off without him, you seem to move forward in your life & feel more positive when hes not around & when you take him back & he is around; you've gone & taken 10 steps back and gone back to square 1, back to the negative cold environment.
If you read your situation again, notice that its a cycle that yous are going through every time he disappears then reappears? & it really sucks cause your children are caught up in the middle of this.
As much as you want to save your marriage & be a happy family, he has to want to quit his bad habits on his own else where; Don't give in to him so easily your babies don't deserved to be happy one minute then crushed the next all because of whats been going on between the 2 of yous.
And if your husband says he wants to stop the booze & stuff then give him time to prove to himself he can do it, cause hes the only one thinking he cant. This is something that only he can do,just cause hes feeling negative & low...It doesnt mean you & your family should feel the same...You & your babies don't have time for that, you have kids to raise & provide for, making sure theyll have a bright future for themselves, loving & caring for them.
YOU DONT HAVE TIME TO BE BABYING YOUR HUSBAND
but i hope positive things will happen in your family
I think you know what should be done, so you don't have to ask strangers what to do.
I wonder what the "hold" is for him. You say he's good looking but really no good. You have history, but it's got a lot of bad in it. He has humiliated you, cheated on you, and relies on your $$ support.
Yet, you bring him back into your life - only to see that things are just the same and even worse.
Yes, you know what should be done.
I wanted to give him a chance for forgiveness and thought id be strong enough to be able to forgive. I just never imagined he would do this and valued my family so much. My state of mind was in chaos. Councilling worked at the start but I am still angry and picture him with her all the time. I dont tolerate any of his drinking or gambling anymore to the point where I cant really enjoy myself because he drinks and spends enough money for the two of us so I end up saying no all the time when he wants to go out on a date. I feel like a scrooge and maybe I should just try and have more fun with him like he wants me to. I have become consumed with depressive thoughts and closed up. He has been trying to help me around the house a lot and cut back on drinling as he can see im not happy but communication is zero. I fear if I leave I will regret it later and I hate the thought of the kids going through the stress again and not having them with me all the time. I hate the thought of him with someone else who will be part of the kids life.Financially life will be hard. On the other hand Im not happy how it is and even though he is trying and it will hurt him for me to give up after I said I would be strong enough to reconcile. Feel so stupid for trying after friends told me it would never be the same. Was hoping Councilling would make our marriage stonger but I just cant escape the hurt.
What a difficult situation to be in.
I can see lots of similarities to the position I was placed in by my ex husband. Just after Christmas 2012 he walked out on me and out 3 small kids. Rented his own flat and wouldn't discuss the reasons why or anything at all. It was horrendous.
The only real difference is that he never out and out asked to come back and I am so so glad he didn't. Please don't feel stupid or weak or anything like that for taking him back. If mine had asked to come back after 3 months or maybe even more I probably would have had him back. As a mother you want to keep a family environment for your kids - I think I would have felt I owed it to them to try again. That's the one thing I am grateful to my ex for - he didn't make it my decision.
Now, nearly 2 years on there is NO WAY I would take him back - never in a million years.
My household is so much happier without him. I am less stressed - my relationship with my children is 100 times improved because I have more energy to spend time with them as I am no longer wasting energy trying to save a rotten relationship.
My ex has a new girlfriend. He has phoned me on a few occasions for advice about her - haha - can you believe that? He isn't happy with his situation now but it was his actions and his choice. He recently said to me he thinks we could have worked things out - I'm glad we didn't.
We are civil and we can have a friendly conversation. The kids are him once a week and maintain a relationship with him. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy when they talk about spending time with his girlfriend but I have got used to it and I know she will never replace me as their mum - so if you ever are in that position please don't worry about that. You are their mother, the one constant, stable and secure person in their lives - don't underestimate that bond.
About 3 months after he left, my ex reported me to social services on a made up accusation (god knows why - maybe to try to get the kids) so social services followed it up and called the school. They told me that the school said there were no concerns and that the kids were more settled and doing better since their father left. That told me all I needed to know!
I might be wrong but I sense there is part of you that feels you have to prove all the doubters wrong - like you need to make it work because you will feel foolish that you didn't listen to the other people if you don't? If that is true please realise that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Do what is right for you and your kids and only what is right for you and your kids.
Also you may feel a sense of duty towards your partner? I agree with a previous poster when they said you shouldn't have to baby him. I had to do that with my ex for years and like I say he still calls me on occasion for help and support lol. I think your partner gave up the rights to your loyalty the moment he cheated.
Only you can decide the best course of action and what's right for you but I want you to know that if you do decide to leave that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I have dated a couple of guys and had a lot of fun. I'm single at the moment but am confident that when I want to find someone I will.
It definitely isn't the end of the world even though it feels like it at the time. My instinct is that you deserve a lot better but again only you can decide that. I am so so so so glad that my ex walked out now and there was a time that I could never have imagined saying that.
Also - my kids are fine and have adjusted brilliantly.