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Relationship advice Hello my family has recently moved and since moving I've noticed strange behavior with the 16 year old friend of our neighbor. I've noticed a lot of giggling and joking around with my husband strictly when I'm not around. I've even noticed her at my husband's car when he pulls up from work at night. I've talked to my husband about it but it just angers him that I'd accuse him of something with a teenager. Until I found her number saved into his phone as one of his friends. I confronted him about it and he claims it was to "keep tabs on me" because I'm a new stay at home mom. But when I confronted her she had no idea why and he would not let her speak merely started answering questions for her. Since then I assumed they would have kept their distance, he claims it's on a hi and bye basis with her. Yet whenever my house door opens she's looking for whose coming out and still watching him. I'm at a point where I'm not sure what to do. I cannot talk to my husband about it because he gets very mad and an argument always insues. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Inappropriate with minor??

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Hi, SALI

" Until I found her number saved into his phone as one of his friends"

Case closed!

"I confronted him about it and he claims it was to "keep tabs on me" because I'm a new stay at home mom."

Whaddaloadab*llocks.

"But when I confronted her she had no idea why"

Butter wouldn't melt, huh.

"and he would not let her speak merely started answering questions for her."

What, in case she blurted something incriminating?

"Since then I assumed they would have kept their distance"

Not if they thought they'd got away with it, no.

Getting away with it includes you not taking firm action or even dropping it.

This isn't to say they're having an affair. But it could be a semi-childish crush on her part, combined with her wanting to see just how powerful a lure her new femininity can be (ever seen American Beauty?)... in which case, it's HIM who's the idiot who should know better.

My advice is you confide in your neighbour... see if she'd be willing to give her young friend a firm talking to or, if not, give you her home address so that you could go and discuss your concerns - for her as much as for yourself - with her mother. After all, if YOU had a daughter of only 16, still considerable as a child, whose largely fantasy-based and experimental advances were getting entertained to the serious extent they apparently are by a man (I presume is) FAR too old for her (think paedophilia), wouldn't YOU want to know about it toute suite?

This may count as dobbing him in, depending on whether or how far the mother would want to take it, but you HAVE TRIED to give him the chance to enter mature, reasonable discussions as would allow him to prove his innocence, WHICH HE'S POINT-BLANK REFUSED.

...WHEREAS, he should have been as concerned as you at her crush.

He isn't, though, is he. Quite the opposite. OR HOW ELSE DID HE GET HER RUDDY PHONE NUMBER?!

(What is he - FIVE?!)

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SOULMATE is correct.
Basically, all the facts that you've laid out would lead anyone to the assumption that it's your husband who is at fault here and who is encouraging the 16 year-old's flirting behavior.

Nip it in the bud and confront him about it. Lay out all the facts that have led you to doubt his loyalty to you and tell him how his behavior has been making you feel. If he truly values his relationship with you, then he has to take you seriously and have a long talk with you over the issue.

What is happening here is that he's purposely being evasive and dismissive because he thinks that this will be enough to clear any suspicion against him in your mind. Let him know that you want things to be set straight.

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Yes, but he's not being merely evasive and dismissive, is he. He's trying to deflect the heat back onto SALI and cow her into shutting up by getting ANGRY with her any time she raises it. I doubt, therefore, that her now telling him he has to take her seriously because she wants things set straight is going to suddenly make a difference.

I'd have thought a reality-slap statement would be more effective - IF she wanted to give him an umpteenth-and-one chance to come clean, that is - in the form of this: "Listen, bucko, you can either talk to me until *I'm* satisfied it's dealt with, or talk to her father and mother (and god knows how many more of her male relatives). WHICH IS IT? Decide right now, right this minute."

But I fail to see how he deserves that further chance, anyway. The SECOND she confronted him he should have come clean. Instead he gave her BS. (I mean, even if he WERE some over-protective-come-over-controlling type who wanted to keep tabs on her, the obvious person to approach would have been the neighbour. OR SALI HERSELF (it's called frequent phonecalls during the workday, duuh). )

Furthermore, we don't know what kind of reaction any sort of no-nonsense ultimatum could produce if so far he's already been flying off the handle. Note, Sali didn't just say mad, she said VERY.

Nope, it sounds as if he's had enough chances. There comes a point where you have take action if you want anyone to start taking you seriously. But so, too, do you have to proceed with caution. That's why I'm suggesting it be done in increments, starting with the neighbour. If meanwhile he'd been banking on SALI being too weak, pathetic and needy to take things further, more fool him.

...not just fool, though. Because, Sali, I have to be honest. Were I you, I would right now be asking myself, what the hell have I married and had a kid with?!

I can only hope that you taking more pressuring action will bring something like this alternative to the surface: that he's worried you're vulnerable to other men whenever he's not there; spotted this GIRL making eyes at him; decided to exploit her desire to get on his good side and have him feeling obliged towards her by asking her to keep tabs on and report back your movements/any visitors to the house (hence her being so visually nosy any time there's any movement at the front door); has alluded to that fact to you but didn't want to actually discuss it or explain WHY (hence did her speaking for her so he could limit what information he chose to divulge) BECAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSING (damn right!)...

But that, as I say, sounds highly implausible in the case of a GROWN MAN. Plus even if he IS emotionally a silly kid in a grown-up's suit, that still doesn't let him off the hook in terms of giving you a full confessional towards clearing up whatever issue he has as is affecting your marriage. So that's why you have to call his bluff EITHER where you risk "very" angry becoming ballistic OR by taking the baby step of talking instead to the neighbour.

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I wish you would have included a time-line for all this.

Is this a continuing thing, or was it nipped in the bud? You DID say you assumed they are on a hi and bye basis now.

Do you have real evidence that this is a current "thing" between them - or are you hanging on to some uncomfortable feelings of what MAY/COULD have happened? How do you know she's "watching" the door for him?

Is there a father/neighbor?

Your husband needed to be reminded of legal issues with a minor and the need for him to put the brakes on anything more than a casual nod of the head. Sixteen year old girls can be quite inappropriate assertive/seductive with older men but a gentle talk with her mom could have helped her put things into perspective.

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Soulmate my thoughts exactly for not one second do I believe it was merely to keep tabs on me. For all that the ACTUAL next door neighbor who is on friendly terms with the both of us would be the one your asking for "reports" from. This has been an ongoing problem since June. I've voiced my concerns about it and he claims to have confronted her about this "crush" in which she grew agitated and said she wasn't flirting with him. That was back in june. I had remembered seeing messages to and from the person he had her saved as, and found it strange because we haven't spoken to that person in years but of course with them gone he's claiming the messages I saw were to and from that friend... however that friends number was completely replaced with hers, you'd only do that if you no longer used that number anymore at all.

JOHN Alex clark, I have numerous times. Now in fact I can no longer bring it up as he immediately becomes enraged and starts arguing about what a hard work day he's had to come home and only be accused of things. End of story, no discussion, no resolution.

SusieQ this started back in June with little things like her being very friendly with him when I'm not around, he goes outside to play with the neighbors small children, suddenly there having a water balloon fight and play threatening each other. I didn't think much of it until HIS nephew came inside one day and told me I have to have a serious talk with her immediately that she was being inappropriate, I asked why but he would not elaborate.

As time went by it intensified. I would see at his car at night, she would be whispering to him, at one point she blew kisses through my window at another nephew of his that bore a resemblance to him. Her parent's happen to be a family friend and upon voicing my concerns to her mother she confirmed that her daughter is known to be "fresh" with older men and if she continues to behave that way to let her know. However, being as though I notice this child on our neighbors porch from 9 am till 11 pm every single day (and no I am not exaggerating in the slightest) I don't see how her mother would be very concerned with what she's doing when she's gone all day and night. I confronted them in August and since then I just see it in her eyes shes looking for someone whenever my door opens, its not a simple glance because a noise got her attention there's a linger to it. On top of that when he came into the house last night she was on our sidewalk alone watching him walk in it appeared to me that he had just left her side. My husband has been reminded on numerous occasions that she is a minor and what type of trouble he can get into. I haven't went to her parent's again as I do not have anything concrete this time around merely my feelings and suspicions.

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Find her a boyfriend - her own age.

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Perhaps try being your own detective? Tell him you will be out for the whole day OR a few days and if you have another nice neighbour (who you can trust and are close with) who might let you stay in their home and let you play spy detective where you can look onto your own home from THEIR window then you might just get your answers.

Your evidence will either mount to, while the cats away,the mice will play OR you will see a young, love struck teenager trying everything to get your husbands attention and your husband refusing her advances. If it is the latter then at least you will have some peace of mind.

You do need to take action soon. This could be a very dangerous game your husband is playing.

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SALI, I've heard enough. Firstly, none of his further claims stack up against what you're still seeing in their mutual behaviour. E.g., had he ever confronted her about it, she would have been too mortified to have ever looked him in the eye again.

You sound perfectly rational and reasonable and clearly have good perceptivity (what with all the details you've noticed that others might too easily have missed). I think it's safe to say your husband is having a flirtation with her.

Whether or not it's gone further isn't yet established. But it's highly inappropriate, regardless. And clearly her mother is neglectful (aside from her complaining mouth), or else possibly has given up trying to control her. And it appears from what her mother said, she's been here before.

I think K is on the right lines, but I would go further and hire a private detective so that you have court-worthy, photographic evidence AND ADMISSABLE THIRD PARTY testimony.

How do you FEEL about discovering your husband is, it appears, 'not quite right' or in the worst case scenario, a paedophile?

Certainly by any decent moral standards he is. Whether [a] state legally he ism depends on where in the world you live and its age of consent. I'd guess States going by 'mom', correct? And that this girl lives locally in the same state, correct? Plus [b] whatever age she was when it began (assuming they've had sexual relations), given she's currently 16 but it's been going on since June (at least?), and [c] whether their communication ever used an out-of-state server (say if they'd been using instant messenger), are what dictate whether any federal law has been broken. Details, please?

Before you hire a detective, however, your next move should be approaching her father, see if you can get any joy there.

You say you don't have enough evidence, but you DO, to wit: "On top of that when he came into the house last night she was on our sidewalk alone watching him walk in it appeared to me that he had just left her side." I'll repeat: if he'd confronted her, she'd have been mortified since. And he wouldn't be too comfortable in her presence, either, meaning what you saw last night wouldn't have happened. And what you saw is not just 'feelings and suspicions', is it. It's wholly- OVERLY indicative behaviour all things considered.

How old is he, by the way?

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Sali?

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2