Don't know what's wrong with me
I've been having a lot of quite dark thoughts recently, I'll sit and daydream about walking out into traffic and when I get left on my own I can just sit there for hours and cry for reasons I don't know why. I absolutely hate the way I look due to recent weight gain and I feel like I've got nothing going for me as a person. I have an amazing boyfriend who tells me I'm beautiful/gorgeous etc every single day but even though I should be taking that as a compliment I worry about why he never calls me funny or nice or comments on how I'm a good person. I'll be sat on the bus to work hoping it'll crash or wondering what it would be like if I wasn't here.
I've had a bit of a past but then so has everyone. I think about seeing a doctor but I'm not sure whether I need to and I feel slightly pathetic talking about my problems in real life so I wouldn't really know where to start.
There's alot of things that have happened to me which I think could be connected with the way I'm feeling now but I find them difficult to get the words out of my mouth. II I I've been on quite a few forums like these and I feel better venting but get no real advice.
When I was a kid and my mum and dad were together my dad used to stay out til the early hours and me and my brother would sleep in my mums bed with her, he used to come home and be so angry we were in there and although I didn't realise it at the time I think it caused some tension between him and my mum. Anyway, this carried on until I was 7 years old and they divorced and I still used to sleep in my mums bed until I was about 11. After that I saw my dad once every months, Christmas and my brothers birthday. My mum was absolutely penniless and she was miserable. She started going on the internet and dating websites and when I was about 13 she started staying out. By this time my brother had a girlfriend too, so he was never at home. I was always close with my brother, he was basically my best friend and we spoke about anything. And that didn't change it was just sad to not see him anymore. Anyway, with both of them in relationships 5 days and nights a week I was completely on my own. It never really bothered me until my friends started to point it out and they used to make comments about where my family were and how theyve never met my mum. Being on my own so much gave me alot of freedom to do whatever I wanted. I made friends with a girl at my school and we started making friends with people a few years older than us, at 13 we started going out into Manchester during the day and drinking vodka in the back alleys, then going to parties and meeting even more new people and I'd say we were flat out drunk every Friday and Saturday night. I met this boy who was fantastic, and he cared about me, I don't know whether you can be in love at 13 years old but he was my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time. I lost my virginity to him and then decided that I couldn't handle having a boyfriend and carrying on the lifestyle I was leading so I had to choose and I chose my friends. By the time I was 14 I'd started smoking and my mum was oblivious to everything that was going on, she'd gone through multiple boyfriends, none of whom I'd ever met and I was still pretty much living on my own. At this point, I was going through alot of boys, not necessarily sleeping with them at this point but I would speak to one then decide I didn't want him and move on to the next. And this went on until I was 16, my house was basically like a youth hostel because we'd go out on a Friday and Saturday and everyone would just crash at mine and my mum never knew because she was never there. This went on until I was 16 when I met a boy who pushed me over the edge. I met a boy called Mike, and he showed me everything. I've always been into art and been very creative and he took me to art galleries, little cafes, amazing places I'd never even heard of before. He showed me the arty and amazing side of Manchester that I fell in love with. He introduced me to interesting people who liked all the same things as I did and I didn't feel the need to go to random peoples house parties and get off my head anymore because all I wanted to do was find a new beautiful place with him and make more memories. He absolutely bowled me over and I'd never known how happy I could really be. He wanted me to move to London with him when he went to uni and we went down to view Goldsmiths and looks at apartments. And then I got pregnant. I was 3 months pregnant and I decided to get an abortion. He refused to come with me and I had to go through it all on my own. I was in the hospital while it happened for 10 hours on my own in my own room. He didn't call me afterwards or text me and he really didnt want to talk about the whole situation. I just blanked it out and every thing was great but then he cheated on me, with a girl who liked politics and read biographies and was ultimately everything I wanted to be. I wasn't cultured and interesting enough for him anymore. And that's when I got into drugs.
I had a close friend who was older than me, so when I was 17 he was 24. He had his own house and roommate, and I was good friends with his brother who was one year older than me. This night he broke up with me he gave me cocaine and I spent my night crying in his house. And from then on we were best friends. We didn't sleep together he just talked to me and was there for me. He worked in a tattoo shop, and having a love of art, I was in my element. Most of my days were spent sat in the shop with him. I'd work on the reception and I was so happy just to spend time with him. We'd go out on a weekend and hammed MDMA and go back to his house. We'd sleep in the same bed but never had sex. He'd cuddle me and kiss my head but he never tried it on with me. I felt like he really cared about me. I spoke to his roommate briefly but never really had a full conversation with him.
Like I said, I was friends with this guys brother, so me and his brother and a few of his friends went out for halloween, by this point I was 18, and my close friend wasn't there. I trusted his brother and we were good friends, so when he suggested we go back to his to save money in a taxi he promised me it was nothing sexual because "we were practically family". When I got to his he got on top of me and I was pushing him off and telling him I didnt want it and he kept trying. I eventually got him off me and pretended I was asleep. And when I was "asleep" he got on top of me again and I didn't say anything and I just closed my eyes and pretended nothing was happening.
The next day I told his brother (my close friend) and he said nothing.
At this point I thought all man kind were pigs. And I wanted to treat them the way they treated me. So I started sleeping around, leading people on, using people and was basically a cold hearted bitch. I was still best friends with the tattoo shop boy and I ended up having feelings for him. I was sleeping with other people but I'd always come home to him and I'd always cuddle with him and I'd always sit and watch movies with him. And if I'm honest, I think he liked me too.
So I was the first person he told when he decided he was moving to Scotland. He told me before all his family and I was heartbroken. I sat in my room smoking weed and sobbing my heart out and I honestly didn't know what to do with myself. The night before he left we slept together and then he was gone. And my best friend was gone
and I had nobody. So I started heavily clubbing and taking pills and sleeping with anyone until one night I met my close friends (tattoo shop Scotland friend) roomate in a club. He took me back to his, we slept together and he gave me cocaine I didn't really know what I was getting into. At first he was nice to me and he'd come and pick me up and we'd go to his and have sex and take coke. But then it got sinister. I'd be out with my friends and he'd drive outside the club and ring me demanding I get in and go home with him. He'd ring me on weeknights at 4 oclock in the morning telling me there was a taxi outside and I better get in. When I didn't want to take drugs he'd pressure me to the point of crying until I did. The sex was always rough but he used to rape me and tell me he liked it when I cried. He strangled me and slapped me. He would pin my hands down so hard i had bruises on my wrists. I took it for a few months until I decided I was going to disappear. I came off facebook, turned off my phone and eventually he bored of me. I carried on taking drugs for a while after but I met my current boyfriend. He's completely different to anything I've ever known. I think he's insecure as he is very protective over me but not in a bad way. He's lovely to me and does everything for me. He'll do things for me that I never even thought to do myself. I love him to pieces and we've been together for 6 months but I'm getting in a bad way. I'll cry over the stupidest thing he says when it's not worth crying over and I'm so insecure. I hate the way I look even though he says he loves it but I'm starting to find it difficult to understand why anyone would love me. Or why anyone would even want to be my friend. which all leads to the first paragraph. I don't know what to do because it's effecting me, it's effecting my relationship, it's effecting my friendships, I honestly cant even have a day where I dont think Im disgusting or have a bad thought about myself. It makes me feel better when I vent but I cant tell people. I cant get the words out of my mouth so it'd be pointless of me to even try. I find it difficult to be on my own because I stew and cry over everything.
You have had a very interesting life, dear. - and the one thing that comes thru all your story is that you are a survivor!!
Bless your heart, you are a survivor!!
So now - after all that turmoil, you are with a man who apparently has no issues, loves you as you are - but you feel unworthy and depressed.
Please go to a clinic where you can get counseling and perhaps medication to help with the depression. You desperately need someone to talk to (female therapist).
Good luck, and carry on!!
"He'd cuddle me and kiss my head but he never tried it on with me. I felt like he really cared about me."
Because it felt like fatherly/brotherly love, which is what you seek because first your dad 'abandoned' you and then your brother. Same reason why despite your boyfriend is wonderful, his comments aren't hitting home. Because it's not a boyfriend's validation you seek, it's a father's/brother's.
Whilst you were mentally busy seeking the other type of relationship you needed - a boyfriend - your mind wasn't really free to dwell over the fact you were missing a brother/father. Now that that project is off the To-Do list, your mind has turned its attention to the next still to do. Because 'doing' is (for whatever reason only you know at this point) not something that's open to you, you feel helpless. Feeling helpless to fill an overdue, dire need is one of the greatest causes of depression.
See it now?
(Not rocket science but highly emotive. And when your mind is laden with cocktails of strong emotions, you can't think straight enough to identify the crux of a problem.)
Why haven't you kept in or got back in touch with your brother?