I suffer with anxiety. Recently its been a lot better, I was in therapy for five years due to child hood trauma problems, the therapy ended a few months ago as I no longer want to sit in a chair and talk to a therapist. It stopped working for me. This struggle with trauma mixed with my recovery results in me being a mixture of real strength and creative vision and dreadfull panic and lack of trust in life or my decisons.
I recently met a man (about 8 weeks ago)it coincided with my therapy ending and I was feeling really good about myself. I met him after years of being alone and being very lonely, we instantly clicked, I fell for this guy and I still think very well of him. I make a little money from a very small business venture but I have been lonely doing it by myself. This man works but for various reasons he is struggling at the moment.I offered to help him out by expanding my buisiness a little as I want to help him financially, I was riding high with the excitement of this new love in my life and saw the business quickly as an 'us' and a way to create a future together, I had a great vision for us as a couple and no longer just 'me' so I charged ahead with zeal.
But I am realizing now that I have dived in too fast as the complexities and resulting insecurity of what I have offered are proving too much for me. The relationship is so new, and I am in a dreadfull panic that any investment from him would change the balance , if things go wrong or productivity lessens I could be worse off if what I earn is shared, which is what I have offered, this busines has a level of insecurity that is well manged by myself but I cant afford it if it gets rocky and the money doesn't come in as easily. If I share the profits the way I have offered to I could end up worse off and I am already just about getting by. I have dived in and offered too much too soon and now I am worried what he will say when I tell him I want to change my mind. i think this could confuse him about me and who I am and make him wary of me that I am changing my mind as quickly as i made it. We are both very sensitive to stress and we have both had a lot to contend with in life.
He has not invested any money so far but he plans to cover the expenses incurred by this expansion at the end of the month when he gets paid. He cant really afford to do this all at once as we didn't talk it through properly so there was a grey area. I didn't think I could cover this initial outlay at first but now i realize that I can just about manage it, even though it will to put me in debt for a while, i am in a dreadfull panic as I am now afrid to tell him that I want to to go back to me being a sole trader, even if it means I will have a bit of debt for a while, as I cant cope with how panic stricken this is making me feel or how I seem to be unable to think clearly. My relationship feels at steak , I don't want money to be an issue in such an early relationship, financial security feels at steak and now my nerves are playing me up and my sense of self feels very fragile.
I have tried to talk to him but he was very sensitive to my stress levels being so high,he was not particuarly helpfull. My thinking went due to my anxiety and I couldn't express myself very well, this made him get quite stressed, so it did not go that great but it did not end really badly either. I did not find him very easy to discuss this with but we have know each other for such a short period of time its hard to know eeach other yet and even if our relationship could even work in the long term let alone with financial implications. I have still not been able to settle my mind or gain any mental clarity about what I have done, or what to do, so I am tense and exhausted about what I have offered. I want to pull back but I dont know how to say it or what to do.
I have been taking sleeping tablets since I have known him as It can be very hard to find enough relaxation time toghether. Relaxation time is so important to me before I go to bed as I can find it hard to get relaxed enough to sleeep. He works very long shifts in a stressfull job and I am struggling to put up boundaries for myself in terms of staying up too late with him.He likes to chat and smoke and drink tea into the early hours after working long hours but even though I work part time i cant keep the pace!
Please can you advise me, my confidence is so low and i feel really bad about myself. This is a lot to contend with in such a new relationship and I do not have any family to support me . I feel the love we have is under threat due to too many demaands on two quite fragile people. Thankyou very much xxx
Have you made him a profit-sharing business partner in a credibly legal way?
While I'm awaiting that clarification:
You're not panicking and suffering doubt because you've not yet fully come to terms with your past victimhood. Those two are not related. You're panicking because you made a premature, highly rash decision from having for too long abstained from getting your humanistic needs met via an intimate relationship. I.e. you were by then unwittingly desperate and thereby trying to buy insurance against him ending the relationship prematurely.
That's what happens when you've been through the desert without a drink and come out dangerously thirsty. You'll drink anything and can't afford to stop and think.
If this guy cares about your psychological welfare, if this guy is mature and sensible, he should understand and forgive totally your perfectly reasonable, rational second thoughts. Not holding my breath on that score, however, considering he obviously accepted it in the first place (- yeah, and who but an upstanding type would refuse a free lunch at the point of offer, and subsequently give it up again without a selfish struggle and evasion attempt, anyway?).
Go see a solicitor asap. If you don't get yourself out of this foolish arrangement with this man toute suite, it's highly plausible that the stress will result in you losing anyway your business and relationship *both*. So it's about safeguarding both at best or losing only one at worst.
FRANKLY, Sarahlee, if a guy would end the romantic aspect of your relationship simply because you subtracted an unwarranted, unearned perk that has no business featuring in a new and unmarried union to begin with (and which a gentleman would have declined!), then all that would tell me is, he didn't want you, just the money - meaning, what would you have lost, really? Nothing but an illusion.
By the sounds of it, though - even if this relationship continues, you need to learn to assert yourself and your needs more. From what I've read, I suspect that compared to you he's over-entitled and domineering (particularly as you're letting him).