PeoplesProblems Logo

Uncertainty about marriage

Default profile image
Relationship advice Hi,

31yo male here married to a 32 girl. One year anniversary last week. I've been struggling big time being happy in the marriage. Although I have a wonderful wife, I keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

First a few things about my wife: beautiful, active/fit, free of complexes, super loyal/dedicated, kind, intelligent, & sexual. She would make an amazing mother and we're working on having kids.

Despite having a great wife/partner/friend, my issues:
1) Insecurity about sexual past: have only slept with 5 women all my life. Had a long term relationship during younger years that limited my sexual exploration. I feel like i've now hit my peak and could easily score a few chics a month but now married. I sometimes get envious of buddies who are single and sleeping around. I have a good sex life but, of course, you can't have variety in marriage. I am decent looking, fit, sociable, and make a very good living (>400K a year) so I feel like I could do very well single. For some reason it bothers me that many guys out there have had more partners than me. Maybe it's immature but I can't help the feeling

2) Financial worries: I make >400K a year while my wife will make max 75-80k. I am much more educated but not necessarily smarter (I understand humans are multifaceted and intelligence is not easily defined). She is very low maintenance and does not desire expensive stuff. She never asks for any gifts. We drive a simple car and a scooter. Having said that, I really worry that the income discrepancy will become an issue somehow. The other thing I worry about is the financial fall-out I would face if we were to divorce one day. We didn't get a pre-nup and I am thinking of getting a post-nup in an effort to avoid alimony + losing the $$ in my corporation if we divorce. I just think it's unfair for me to pay to keep up an ex-wife's lifestyle.

3) External influences: I am a paranoid pessimistic and impressionable type of person. I see divorce statistics and freak out. I see media's portrayal of desired men and I want to replicate that lifestyle. I see single friends banging on Tinder and I wonder why I shouldn't be able to. These thoughts/concerns/worries drive me to insanity. I am seeing a psychologist but it hasn't made a huge difference.

Does anyone else out there suffer from these feelings or been with someone who is similar? I want to make my marriage work because I have an amazing wife who is my best friend but my dark side keeps intruding. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Uncertainty about marriage

Default profile image
Well, when men get married they should be ready to give up (move past) some of the issues you have stated (sowing wild seeds, envious of single buddies, getting screwed over if there should be a divorce, envious of others' lifestyle). My point is that you probably weren't ready to get married. What kind of a marriage model did you have? did your parents have a good marriage?

There are a lot of "little boy" voices in your post. (other guys have more than me; I think it's unfair for me to pay; why shouldn't I be able to Tinder; I need a post-nup for protection) These are childhood voices that can hold back the maturing adult.

Bigger issue is your perception of women. You have a "perfect" wife, yet you are distracted by the "greener grass." Plus, you see the marriage as a potential financial "threat" to what you think is all yours.

Please keep seeing your therapist. You don't want to sabotage your success and marriage because you don't know what you want. You are blessed, but you fear and doubt it.

Probably not a good idea for trying to have a family at this point either.

Good luck. Keep exploring yourself.

Uncertainty about marriage

Default profile image
Point 1: It's immature even if you can't help feeling this way. Accept that you feel this way and move on. Cognitive dissonance isn't going to kill you. Just stop thinking about what others have and concentrate on making your married life better.

Point 2:You're thinking about divorce as if it's a sure thing to happen. Did you even want to get married in the first place? If you keep preparing for divorce like you seem to be trying to do, then it's going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy -- which at this point, doesn't seem to be far from what you want to happen.

Point 3: You're worrying too much about what the world prescribes as an "ideal life" rather than thinking about what you really want out of life. Don't live and judge yourself by other people's standards.

I would suggest engaging in a little self-examination. Ask yourself what you really want out of life and what you really want to happen with this marriage. As much as possible, try not to put too much significance on public perception.

Uncertainty about marriage

Default profile image
I am feeling almost the same as yourself. However, I am only 20 and my fiance and I are the only people we have slept with. We met when we were 15 & 16.

I feel like I am missing out on so much and that the grass is greener on the other side. Although if I was 30, I would want to be in your position now - married to the 'perfect' wife.

You need to work on keeping your marriage happy and don't take your wife for granted. Why ruin something that you think is perfect? Once you leave her there is no way in hell she will want you back. And most females in the 30's are the crazy ones no one wants and I can almost guarantee that females in the 20's won't want you.

Don't ruin it and don't ever cheat on her.

Uncertainty about marriage

Default profile image
I would say, the first point is just a consequence of evolution, which have not considered something like love, but instead just have given men the drive to spread their sperm to as many women as possible, because that is biologically more efficient. So in order to overcome that, I recommend you to be aware of this biological background and to remind yourself, that this primitive drive has nothing to do with your actual wishes.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3