Am I over exaggerating?
My bf and I have been together for over 5 years and we have lived together for 1 year. We used to have alot of issues and argue about almost everything. When i moved in with him everything seemed to get much better. We wouldnt argue like before and if we did we would talk about it and get it over with.
About 2 years ago we decided we wanted to try something new and have a threesome. We would just talk about it but it never really happened until 02/2014. We talked about the tthings that were ok and the things that were NOT ok. He agreed and everything was fine. We had the threesome....it was fun we enjoyed it. But before it happened i mentioned to him and her and reminded them both that after it happened i didnt want him ir her to speak to eachother or have anything to do with eachother. She agreed and i trusted my bf when he said he wouldnt be in any contact with her. A few months passed and i found out they were messaging eachother. He had started the messaging and it escalated to where she was flirting with him. He said he just messaged her to say hi and nothing else.
So he appologized and said it was wrong of him to do that when i was clear to both of them. It took me a while to get over it but eventually i did.
About one week ago i logged in to my instagram account after not being on it for a couple of months. I started going through it and found he liked like 7 pictures of her. I know to some of you liking pictures is no big deal, and its not, if it were any other woman BUT HER! I approached him and he immediately un liked them and said he didnt think it was a big deal. I was very upset, hurt, all these emotions went through... like why is he going out of his ways to search for her and the need to like her pictures for???
Just yesterday we were at the park and he left ne his phone...he usually always does since he doesnt want to leave it just anywhere. I was taking care of a little girl. I grabbed his phone and put baby music on... after she fell asleep i decided to look at his fb. I know its not right but a part if me wanted to know if he was communicating with her through fb. I didnt find any messages between them or anything. Who knows if he deletes them after. What i did find was that they were poking eachother back and forth.
Honestly that was my last straw. I feel so stupid and betrayed especially during these days where we have gone through a miscarriage. I have honestly tried my best to not show my emotions but it hurts me to know that just last week we argued about him liking her pictures and just yesterday God knows how long theyve been poking eachother. Idk what to do anymore.
He surprises me at times because we want to get married have more kids and all but when he does these things it makes me think twice about him. He appologized again and said that he received a poke from her and didnt think anything of it but poke back. He now blocked her from fb and says he doesnt want something like that ruin our relationship. We went out to eat yesterday (like every sunday is family day) but i just wasnt all there. Im upset, sad, mad, hurt. Am i over reacting over pokes on fb?
This is baffling -
You had a threesome and admit that "it was fun; we enjoyed it." - and now you are upset that he is in contact with her?
Did you really expect that YOUR "rules" would be followed? This was like giving kids candy and telling them not to ask for more . . .
Hopefully, your BF has heard and seen how upset you are about things and will STOP any contact with her. She needs to know, too, that the no-contact "rule" is still in effect.
I'm sorry about your miscarriage. That is difficult to go through. Take care of yourself.
Please think about this relationship before committing yourself any more to him.
Who suggested the threesome be done for real this time, who then agreed to it, who was the first one tried to back out of it, who pushed you both back in it?
Answer me those and I'll tell you what the pair of you post-traumatic furtives are up to, what's going to happen next, what to do to change or encourage that chain of events.
PS: Please send my regards to R2D2.
It was me who brought the threesome because it was something i wanted to try. He never brought it up once. But just because it was my idea and i started it all now its my fault for him talking to her still and trying to communicate with her? Hes my partner and i trusted him when he told me their would be no contact.
But to answer your question.
It was me who started it all. It was a fantasy i had. Nothing else.
Just as I suspected (cheers).
Buckle up, kiddo, this might be a bumpy ride...
You two are too intelligent with nowhere to put or use it. I smell unnecessarily childish, knee-jerk acting-out a deux:
Four long years of highly frequent drama. Then only one year of peace and harmony. And at the end of that relatively BRIEF period, what do you do? Put ticking chess pieces in foolhardy places where drama is *bound* to re-ensue.
Takes two to tango, though, despite only one to select and start the music and beckon the other onto the dancefloor.
You two can't use your miscarriage as drama fodder because that DID hurt. It WAS real and to be taken nothing but seriously. Too sacrosanct. And you didn't feel like talking about it, either of you, yet alone re-living it all via an argument. Out Of Bounds.
There would of course have been genuine upset in with every argument. But at the same time you'd both have been gaining a perverse pleasure or satisfaction out of frequently letting rip with abandon your passion and anger - four long years' worth! (You don't get to let rip like that every day with most people, do you. What a rare and useful indulgence/privilege.)
That length of time plus repetition creates normalisaton and hard habit. Like a drug.
Ever since - exacerbated by the miscarriage - you've been like a couple of soldiers fresh from the front line, still suffering from Shell Shock and unable to adjust rapidly enough to 'civvy street', thereby needing your drama-drug-fix.
Ref two to tango: You raised the proposition, granted. But he turned what should have stayed as fantasy into a reality by agreeing. So you were both equally complicit, just in slightly differing ways, in creating this new and exciting dish on the drama menu.
But were either of you CONSENSUAL - and in the full sense of the word? One criteria is that you have to have your full mental faculties about you for any decision to be deemed valid and meaningful other than in some disregardable short-term way.
The reason WHY you did, I suspect, was because you at that precise point were out for the count during the immediate miscarriage aftermath, not thinking straight and still in knee-jerk reactivity mode. I'm sure he would have been the same (despite hiding it better?). So no - not fully consensual.
This common, FLEETING aftermath state would have included an understandable, logical yet unsubstantiated suspicion on your part that maybe, just maybe, the miscarriage of HIS sperm married with your egg might not stop at one?...that the miscarriage might be a warning sign? This is a hard thought to entertain if you want more kids quite badly. Enter an equally fleeting knock-on reaction to this paranoid thought, in the form of an animalistic (thus mercenary) idea to get rid of him asap with a view to replacing him with a more fertile specimen. (These are subconscious thoughts and urges, understand.)
His mind might well have featured the said same fear and knee-jerk urge.
Now bear in mind a current lack of the mental strength needed to conquer your usual emotional shackles, called attachment aka very deep fondness - taboos against ever telling him it's Over. So what better way around this barrier fixture than to put in place (and accept the agreeing to put into place) a BREAK-UP CATALYST, courtesy of what had once been mere fantasy conversation fodder (and which would have stayed such had you not been traumatised by the miscarriage on top of your 'cold turkey' and looking for a teething ring, pressure-cooker steam-release valve....some form of venting mechanism, call it what you will).
How come the threesome wasn't just as easily achievably you and two MEN? *Actions*.
It could be that you know the idea of two men would have been anathama to him and lacking the temptation required towards overcoming his sensible side while laid as equally low as you.
Why did he take you seriously where concerned two women, instead of putting his foot down and saying no? Again, too tempting....his instant-gratification side striking whilst the iron was hot towards getting this possibly once-in-a-lifetime chance to dabble in the holy-grail extreme (with 'hot' being your own emotional distraction at that momentary point). Again, still too angry about past spats (and possibly some irrational blaming for the miscarriage.)
Why did you take yourself seriously, not put your own foot down? Aside from the above shared feelings, I reckon to blame for that was your purely knee-jerk subconscious determination getting to exert itself in the form of manipulating another woman into doing your mercenary subconscious side's (the part that fleetingly wanted rid) 'dirty work' FOR you... by taking him - the carrier of potentially dud sperm - off your hands...the ensuing break-up either just temporary but long enough for you to - whoops - see if you could fall pregnant with another man, or permanently.
The upshot is this: you two had a transient dilemma and reaction, and instead of patiently sitting it out, meantime discussing it in the open and/or enduring until its natural passing, YOU ALLOWED YOURSELVES TO ACT ON IT. This the pair of you did in the form of dragging this silly, wholly unwitting and naive woman in from outside, whereby she's now even swallowing the ruse presented by your partner that she has an actual chance at a relationship with him.
She does NOT (the poor, deluded cow). If she did, he'd be properly protecting his dalliance with her and making excuses for why he can't just delete her. Instead he's going, 'Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear' the second you insist.
He's just ANGRY at you. Whether because:
[a] he failed to score a point way back when during a past spat, which resentment he's since harboured or can't rid himself of;
[b] you wouldn't recognise, validate or help him with HIS grief, instead concentrated on your own (or everyone else overlooked him);
[c] because for (tellingly) the first time since mere talks about it had originally begun, you suggested/agreed for real to basically watch him make love to another woman (without seemingly batting an eyelid), and a part of him needed to call your bluff, see if you could actually follow it through, yet still felt mightily wounded.
[d] All three by whatever proportions.
My husband and I after 4 years are still crazy in love with and adoring of the very bones of one another. Our sex life is so mindblowingly good it's transcended that mere biological label. We've had to keep relabelling it. First mountaintop sex, then plugging into each other, then mind-f*cking sex, now potential heart-attack sex. Would I or he ever suggest or agree (or even see any need to for) a threesome with another woman, let alone another man? Would it even occur to us to try? Yes, sure...but only after first gouging out both our eyeballs.
Literally, it would feel that impossible.
Would we if either/both of us had any inner PTS-exacerbated conflicts going on as needed putting on the outside where we finally could see what exactly they were...itches to scratch or manipulate or downright machinate into getting scratched? I don't know and wouldn't like to think so, but, human nature under stress being what it is - that might possibly be the ONLY circumstance under which it could even get raised.
Fantasising is a compartmentalised thing. So is reality. Men don't necessarily want the twain to ever meet, deep down. But neither, I'm betting, did yours want to risk his manly pride by admitting he was only ever messing about followed by the humiliation of backing out. So with that plus the need to test you out PLUS temptation too intruiging, he's felt forced by his own ego to see it through.
Result: "Oh, really? You truly, actually DIDN'T mind the reality of me with/inside another woman? We'll see about that, won't we!?"
And so you have seen. And yes, you DO mind. Big time (so says the effort-filled action of seeking help from a forum).
As I say, that recent-past urge to do something so stupid would have merely been a PASSING, intermediate-only psychological reaction which under normal circumstances, I'm betting, wouldn't have got made manifest in the environment (your relationship). Now that this normal reaction has passed, of course, you're back to operating mentally on full cylinders, capable of surveying a damage that, LONG-term, you didn't even genuinely want... hence it strikes people as illogical to see a woman having opened a Pandora's Box only to whinge and protest when the inevitable demons fast emerge.
He, on the other hand, seemingly keeps persisting with the dalliance act. Why does he?
Never MIND his constant claims to being 'surprised' at learning - even having to be told in the first place - that the sky is Blue and the Pope a Catholic like the village idiot he'd have you believe he all of a sudden is (pff!). He's playing dumb with his mouth. But meanwhile, his *actions* say NOT CONCERNED WITH WHAT YOU THINK OR SAY *TODAY*, I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN ANYWAY.
He's stuck on a mission.
So WHAT if he's placated you a second time by blocking her on FB? FB is not the only contact fruit. What's next medium wise? Something, that's for sure. Unless you want to put a stop to it.
So here we go again on here!... When men too easily (whoopsie-daisy) let you discover or downright lead into discovering their NEARLY-crimes (by leaving their phone with you or letting you use their computer), you have to ask yourself, why would they do that...why steer you towards the crime scene?
The answer is, they WANT you to find out what they've *NEARLY* been up to.
Plus, when men delete, on instant demand, the evidence of their nearly-crime, this willingness can tell you that whatever they gained emotionally from the actual committing of the crime was by-the-by, not the point, meant and mattered not a jot to them. The true point was YOU getting to find out, to get the shock of your life, and for that shock to (hopefully permanently) snap you out of your state of lessened affection and attentiveness and own suspicion of going off them.
It's not a crime (or not crime enough) to warrant actual dumping, is it, note. But it IS enough to work as a warning and/or cry for attention.
Again, I suspect bf read what that agreement said under the surface, i.e.: 'How come she doesn't mind the idea of me having sexual intercourse with an another woman? AND right in front of her eyes! Wouldn't a woman who was truly in love with me find that idea wholly shocking, disturbing, traumatising even, to the point of ANATHAMA?'
It's called, be careful what you wish for.
Your proposal spoke volumes in this regard. It said you were proactively willing to risk his getting stolen from you.
Read that again, this time imagining you're him.
High testosteroned men (the type who perversely love a damn good barnie as much as they hate it) tend to have hyper-sensitive male pride which finds backing down/out too much of a challenge and also which triggers the exceptionally protective side of their ego...a side that cannot rest until equalisation (aka revenge) has been successfully sought. They call it, teaching her a lesson.
You're SUPPOSED to feel wounded. Because the fact of whether you would be hurt, COULD be hurt (or not) is precisely what he's been testing out as tells him INDISPUTABLY (unlike your mouth) whether you've actually gone off him like you seemed and he feared, or are still suitably into him.
Answer: Yes, she is (phew!), thinks he.
Trouble is, the male ego is liable to be a power crazed idiot who can get hooked on it via the new burst of flattery in motion, unable to tell when enough is enough, and to want more-more-MORE. So such men continue taking it too far in terms of duration.
He's not going to stop until his ego is SATED. And why would he when it's been through a recent famine and tough time. It's starving and deflated.
So you have a number of choices:
1. Show him how utterly upset you are until your eyeballs bleed and he's finally convinced he's got his litmus read-out "she definitely still loves me" and his silly ego climbs instantly back in its box. Foie gras him in other words.
2. Rear up in an uncharacteristically deadly calm, quiet yet menacingly FIRM way. Message: she definitely still loves me YET EQUALLY HERSELF (- tres impressive!).
3. Decide you'd rather have a relationship with someone who can be vulnerable enough to just bloody TELL YOU if ever he feels upset and insulted and why and how, who'll thereby encourage and inspire you to do likewise. (However, there's little point in choosing this option unless you're sure you ARE capable of this more direct, mature, sensible and dignified behaviour actually sustained for good?).
4. Sit him down somewhere neutral, some suitable public place (where yelling and getting dramatic isn't possible), and tell him you know what he's up to under the seeming surface, and how and why, and that you're disappointed in him AND yourself that after four long years together you STILL can't just confess outright honestly to one another your respective fears, doubts, insecurities and suspicions whenever they hit, as a far easier, faster way of gaining mutual or respective REASSURANCES AND/OR REINSPIRATION.
Until you two can to SUSTAIN dealing with difficulties in a mature, NON-dramatic (or even melodramatic) way, then - no offence, but - I don't think you're quite qualified to be creating yet more Mini-Us pupils for your 18-21-year life-lessons classes, do you? Oh, I know you say you had a year of more mature dealing with clashes and contentions. But I say, ONLY A PIDDLY YEAR. One year is not enough to break a 4+ year habit to the crucial point where not even a huge lump of life sh*t getting dumped without warning out of nowhere from a very great height has you both reaching for a drama fix again. Maybe a little - hence there's no daring to yell and throw things going on per se this time. But UNDER THE SURFACE, there is. Actual SOFAS are getting thrown.
As per above options 1-4: Being (by your past standards) testy and gripey merely proves your EGO dislikes this threat of him getting taken off you. This either getting sustained for long enough or replaced with one walloping great protest in the one hit, would prove your heart doesn't, either.
So that's my analysis. Did any of that go "PINGGG!" anywhere in your jello?