We were living together and our lease didn't expire for a few more months, so we ended up living together while we were broken up. A couple months after the break up, I realized I had made a mistake breaking up with her and that I still wanted to be with her because I was still in love with her. I told her how I felt and she rejected me. I tried again and she said no again. I got suspicious and went through her computer and found out that she had been seeing other people and slept with a couple of them since our break up (this was a huge deal to me because we were both virgins when we started dating and had only ever had sex with each other). I got very upset, yelled at her, called her names and we ended up not talking or seeing each other (even though we lived together) for a couple weeks.
After things calmed down a bit, we ended up having a conversation about everything that had happened: the break-up, the new guys, the living situation. I found out she had only slept with the other people because she felt lonely and abandoned by me. I forgave her for it. Once again, I asked her if she would give me another chance. She said no. I figured I hadn't proven that I still loved her and that I was not the same guy as I was when we were last together. So, I put a bunch of hours into making her a montage of our relationship, complete with our favorite songs, love notes we had shared over the years... The whole nine yards. She watched it and cried and told me she wasn't sure about us. I took this as a good sign that maybe I had gotten through to her. But, a couple days later, she told me again that she didn't want to try us again. She said it was too late and that she wasn't in love with me anymore.
Now, I'm at a loss. I've fought as hard as I can to save us and I don't know what else I can do besides let her move out (she's leaving in a couple days) and give her space. I don't know if I should just give up on her and move on, or if I should wait for a few months and try to rekindle things then. I still love her and I truly believe that we are meant to be together, but clearly she doesn't share the same view.
What do I do? Is there anything else I can try to change her mind? Is it time for me to give up and see if she fights to get me back somewhere down the line? Am I trying to force something that just isn't right?
We had broken up once before, after dating for about a year. She broke up with me that time. I gave her space and then fought for her and won her back after about a month apart.
I don't feel like she fought to save us when I broke up with her. She seemed to have just given up. Does that mean she doesn't feel as strongly about us as I do?
Thanks for any advice you give in advance.
Your ex has moved on and I'm sorry but your relationship is broken beyond repair. If you have done all you can to rekindle your relationship and failed, and in difficult living circumstances, then you need to move on as well.
Take your thoughts back to when you first moved in together and ask yourself why you began to fight. This should tell you everything about your relationship...and I might add that while you thought your crush wasn't a big deal, your ex obviously thought otherwise.
You need to put it behind you and you owe it to yourself to do well at grad school. Get on with your life and look forward meeting other people. Learn from this experience because it's one of life's many learning curves.
What were the problems that caused you to break up in the first place? I don't mean just the events that led to your break up, but what is it about your specific personality traits (yours and that of your ex) that might have led to these problems? There are probably some core incompatibilities between the two of you and if you are really determined to make things work, then you need to make some changes in yourself (since you obviously cannot change your ex) and adjust to be a better match for your ex or else the same problems that plagued your relationship before will resurface again once you are back together and it's going to be an endless cycle of breaking up, begging her to take you back and then breaking up again.
This time, I broke up with her because I wasn't happy with how our relationship was going. She would get upset over little, innocuous things and I'd have to spend hours reassuring her.
Now that I think about it, it seems the root of the problem both times was that we weren't giving the other enough reasons to be confident in the other. I was scared of her relationships at work and then she was scared of my relationships at school. The fact is, we shouldn't have been scared of each others lives outside of us because we should've been confident in our relationship. Perhaps both times we weren't demonstrating our commitment to the other enough and that led to the other one freaking out and creating problems.
I don't know why that is, but I guess you're right that it could be indicative of a core incompatibility between us. Right now it is so hard to reconstruct the image of my future in my brain. She's in every imagining and I now I have to totally reinvent my future... It's probably fair to say I'm a little depressed.
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?