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When Do I Let Her Go?

Posted by
MRBRIGHTSIDE
on Sep 24 2014 at 20:46
Member since: 24 September 2014
Relationship advice I was dating this one girl for the past 4 and a half years. We were in love and we were both sure that we'd end up together. Last year we moved to a new city together, where neither of us knew anyone, because I got into graduate school there. After moving, we started fighting a lot, having problems, and generally struggling in our relationship. A few months ago, she went through my computer and found out that I had a crush on another girl. The crush really wasn't a big deal, I was just about over it at that point, but, understandably, it really upset her. Rashly, I broke up with her because of all the problems we've been having and because I didn't feel as close to her anymore.

We were living together and our lease didn't expire for a few more months, so we ended up living together while we were broken up. A couple months after the break up, I realized I had made a mistake breaking up with her and that I still wanted to be with her because I was still in love with her. I told her how I felt and she rejected me. I tried again and she said no again. I got suspicious and went through her computer and found out that she had been seeing other people and slept with a couple of them since our break up (this was a huge deal to me because we were both virgins when we started dating and had only ever had sex with each other). I got very upset, yelled at her, called her names and we ended up not talking or seeing each other (even though we lived together) for a couple weeks.

After things calmed down a bit, we ended up having a conversation about everything that had happened: the break-up, the new guys, the living situation. I found out she had only slept with the other people because she felt lonely and abandoned by me. I forgave her for it. Once again, I asked her if she would give me another chance. She said no. I figured I hadn't proven that I still loved her and that I was not the same guy as I was when we were last together. So, I put a bunch of hours into making her a montage of our relationship, complete with our favorite songs, love notes we had shared over the years... The whole nine yards. She watched it and cried and told me she wasn't sure about us. I took this as a good sign that maybe I had gotten through to her. But, a couple days later, she told me again that she didn't want to try us again. She said it was too late and that she wasn't in love with me anymore.

Now, I'm at a loss. I've fought as hard as I can to save us and I don't know what else I can do besides let her move out (she's leaving in a couple days) and give her space. I don't know if I should just give up on her and move on, or if I should wait for a few months and try to rekindle things then. I still love her and I truly believe that we are meant to be together, but clearly she doesn't share the same view.

What do I do? Is there anything else I can try to change her mind? Is it time for me to give up and see if she fights to get me back somewhere down the line? Am I trying to force something that just isn't right?

Other Info:

We had broken up once before, after dating for about a year. She broke up with me that time. I gave her space and then fought for her and won her back after about a month apart.

I don't feel like she fought to save us when I broke up with her. She seemed to have just given up. Does that mean she doesn't feel as strongly about us as I do?

Thanks for any advice you give in advance.

When do I let her go?
Reply from
MANALONE
on Sep 24 2014 at 23:23
Member since: 29 December 2013
I'm constantly confused by people who have been together with someone for a substantial period of time, state they are in love and then turn around and say they have a crush on somebody else....and then wonder where it all went wrong!

Your ex has moved on and I'm sorry but your relationship is broken beyond repair. If you have done all you can to rekindle your relationship and failed, and in difficult living circumstances, then you need to move on as well.

Take your thoughts back to when you first moved in together and ask yourself why you began to fight. This should tell you everything about your relationship...and I might add that while you thought your crush wasn't a big deal, your ex obviously thought otherwise.

When do I let her go?
Reply from
MRBRIGHTSIDE
on Sep 24 2014 at 23:28
Member since: 24 September 2014
I get that it's a big deal to have a crush on someone else. I wasn't proud of it. But, in my defense, we had been having problems where neither of us really spent time on the other one for a while. I think I got scared and started looking at other options because of all the difficulties we had been having. I'm not saying I was right, but by the time my ex found out, I had already recommitted myself to my ex and moved on from the crush. The crush was simply my imagination going crazy and picturing something easier, which was stupid of me since I really do love my ex.
When do I let her go?
Reply from
MANALONE
on Sep 24 2014 at 23:48
Member since: 29 December 2013
Ask yourself why you thought it was easier because if you guys truly loved each other and needed one another whole heartedly, then you wouldn't be here...it's that simple. You've given it your best shot and now it's time to look ahead without her.

You need to put it behind you and you owe it to yourself to do well at grad school. Get on with your life and look forward meeting other people. Learn from this experience because it's one of life's many learning curves.

When do I let her go?
Reply from
MRBRIGHTSIDE
on Sep 24 2014 at 23:55
Member since: 24 September 2014
I'm having a lot of trouble picturing life without her. Maybe we're not right for each other, but that's really hard to see right now.
When do I let her go?
Reply from
MANALONE
on Sep 25 2014 at 00:25
Member since: 29 December 2013
Frankly, if you were right for one another, things would have been different. Some people/couples take a long time to recognise this. You will mature as you get older and one day you will look back and recognise this period of your life as a lesson. It very easy to say and damn hard to do, but you need to forget about her (and you will with time), and focus on your immediate challenges of grad school. Your need to follow your gut instinct and not your heart.
When do I let her go?
Reply from
MRBRIGHTSIDE
on Sep 25 2014 at 00:28
Member since: 24 September 2014
Thanks. I guess I'm still young even if I don't feel it these days. I appreciate the response.
When do I let her go?
Reply from
JOHN ALEX CLARK
on Sep 25 2014 at 02:24
Member since: 17 September 2014
Seriously, with the way your relationship has been see-sawing with all the breaking up, not breaking, almost breaking up, getting back together and then breaking up again, perhaps you should take time to examine things from a pragmatic perspective.

What were the problems that caused you to break up in the first place? I don't mean just the events that led to your break up, but what is it about your specific personality traits (yours and that of your ex) that might have led to these problems? There are probably some core incompatibilities between the two of you and if you are really determined to make things work, then you need to make some changes in yourself (since you obviously cannot change your ex) and adjust to be a better match for your ex or else the same problems that plagued your relationship before will resurface again once you are back together and it's going to be an endless cycle of breaking up, begging her to take you back and then breaking up again.

When do I let her go?
Reply from
MRBRIGHTSIDE
on Sep 25 2014 at 02:38
Member since: 24 September 2014
Well, the first time we broke up was because I was having a jealousy problem. I got over that, fixed myself as you say, and we were able to reunite.

This time, I broke up with her because I wasn't happy with how our relationship was going. She would get upset over little, innocuous things and I'd have to spend hours reassuring her.

Now that I think about it, it seems the root of the problem both times was that we weren't giving the other enough reasons to be confident in the other. I was scared of her relationships at work and then she was scared of my relationships at school. The fact is, we shouldn't have been scared of each others lives outside of us because we should've been confident in our relationship. Perhaps both times we weren't demonstrating our commitment to the other enough and that led to the other one freaking out and creating problems.

I don't know why that is, but I guess you're right that it could be indicative of a core incompatibility between us. Right now it is so hard to reconstruct the image of my future in my brain. She's in every imagining and I now I have to totally reinvent my future... It's probably fair to say I'm a little depressed.

When do I let her go?
Reply from
MANALONE
on Sep 25 2014 at 02:59
Member since: 29 December 2013
MRBRIGHTSIDE, we all instinctively know when we meet the right person. We all have a special person out there. It doesn't matter what they look like, it's what's inside that counts. Sometimes we get side tracked and we get together with the 'wrong' person and we end up on the miserable merry-go-round a doomed relationship. We exhaust ourselves trying to get it right but in the end, there's only so much of ourselves we can give. When we reach this point of no return, we instinctively step back and have a long, hard look at the relationship with a different perspective to it...and then we make a conscious decision to move on, heal and then get on with life all the more wiser for it.
When do I let her go?
Reply from
MRBRIGHTSIDE
on Sep 25 2014 at 03:21
Member since: 24 September 2014
Maybe you're right manalone. Maybe I have reached the point where I stepped back and re-evaluated and I realized it wasn't right. Maybe my clarity was when I broke up with this girl, not when I thought I wanted to mend things. It is hard to know. I do think it is possible that I'm scared of the future now, not having my best friend and companion of the last 4 years to help me through it. But, I think it is better to go it alone than to go it with someone who isn't right for me. I'm not sure that I believe there is a greater plan for me out there, but I also know that I'd rather be with someone who fights to keep me around, even when I'm being an idiot and hurting them. It seems this relationship didn't give me that and now I have to move on and start over (a scary thought!).

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