Wife says she loves another man on internet
I'll start with a little background. We've been together for 17 years, married for 10. About 5 years ago I felt like I wanted to be a woman. It sucked. I lost my identity or myself and my gender. Eventually though I started to realize that I'm just a guy with a feminine side. I bounced back. Today I feel more like a man than I have in years. However, going through that cause me some depression issues and it made me neglect my wife. She went and got help because it cause depression in her to but she stopped only after about 3 months. She was on meds and stopped taking them and going to counseling. Things kind of went normal for the last 4 years. Her job wasn't making enough money and I was tired of school and realized that wasn't what I wanted to do so I got back into trucking. The job got me back into shape and I came out of my depression but just as soon as I came around she said she wanted to leave. She had been talking to another guy who lives 1000 miles away, in his 30's and lives with his parents. She had been talking to him since January and told me she wanted to leave 2 months after that.
However, she stayed for 2 months and was telling me about this guy she really likes. Eventually she told me she loved him and I got mad and told her to leave. She left to her moms 4 hours away and stayed there only for 2 weeks before she wanted to come back. I still love her so I said ok but not for the kids, not to use me as a stepping stone, and only if she loved me.
About a month later she went right back to talking to this guy all the time and loving him. She still does it to this day. Wants to meet him. But the thing is he's a loser and he's stuck in his state because he has kids. We have kids to so she's stuck in this state. Their relationship dreams are unattainable. She hasn't realized that yet. I see little hints here and there, and so does my son, that makes it seem like she might still love me. She hasn't left but she is emotionally distant from me. We still have awesome sex and sometimes wants it more than I do. She still refers to things as "ours", yet she still wants a divorce, which is in process.
I don't want the divorce, I don't want her to go, I am still very much in love with her and always have been. I don't know what to do because she's chasing a fantasy. Sometimes I want her to just go because I think once she realizes what she's leaving( I work hard to support my family) and how it will effect the kids, not to mention my 15 year old is adamant about staying with me no matter where she goes yet she thinks he's going with her if she leaves. I've thought about an ultimatum but with everything I've seen and how irrational this is and all the little things I notice I just feel like I need to wait. Waiting is very hard, it hurts, but I think she has depression issues but she denies it.
I just wish there was a way to get her to see what she is trying to leave or what she is doing to me and the kids. I wish there was a way to wake her up. She is a much better person than she has been. But I don't know how much more I can take and I don't want to kick her out until the divorce is done. I'm still hoping she comes around and decides that she doesn't want a divorce and wants to come back to me. I've given her more than any other man would have in this situation but I don't know how much more I can take, it's starting to effect my health.
Your wife is living a fantasy - but you did too, for some years. Your wife has been through a lot with YOU. In fact, take your post and substitute YOUR issues for hers, and it sounds like her story. You now know just what she went through.
Did you two go to counseling?
This isn't about a guy 1,000 miles away from her. She sounds like the trauma she want through in this marriage has affected her, even now.
Counseling is a must for both of you.
"She went and got help because it cause depression in her to but she stopped only after about 3 months."
I don't think she truly ever wanted a marriage enough. Not solely, I mean. I think 5 years ago was purely the point at which the ever-present, deeper laying suspicion of yours CAME TO THE FORE. I think prior to that, she'd always been able to SENSE perfectly well that you were a soul in trouble. And that's how she likes them (frustrated therapist looking for a close-to-home project meets male who'd rather stick pins than visit an actual counsellor). Hence, now that you're sorted, she's sought out a replacement wickle soldier to play mummy-stoke-therapist to.
She doesn't have depression, she has unfulfilled ambitions to the point where she allows them to impact on her personal life. She needs to realise this and go back to higher education so that she has somewhere *legitimate and orthodox* to put it.
In short, she's having a mid life crisis of the 'I never dared chase or achieve my full potential and I still don't dare (unless I try to cheat by using my love-life as my medium)' variety.
She needs counselling, but based on her presentation of this TRUE issue. But if she won't see this or why, then I'm afraid there's really nothing more you can do, save for seeing this as the start of a new chapter for you (once the pain's over).
...apart from this: Stand back. Cease saying a thing about it. Give her the mental room and quiet to realise what she's up to herself.