I'm taken but I slept in a male friends bed
Last night I stayed in the same bed as my male friend. We've been really good mates for a years, and we friend zoned each other years ago too...neither of us is attracted to each other in any way. Problem is I have a boyfriend. I love my boyfriend so so much. He's working away and I went up town with my friend and his university friends last night, he was staying at his uni friends house anyway, then they asked me in the end if I wanted to instead of getting a taxi alone back home. So I thought I may as well...I was very drunk when I got in and just automatically passed out on the bed. The other two who we had been out with in that house were together so they shared their usual bed. Anyway, I don't remember thinking anything wrong about it last night, but this morning when I woke up and remembered I had fallen asleep in the same bed as my mate I felt so guilty straight away. Nothing would've happened. And it didn't. But that isn't the point. I just feel like I've made a huge mistake sleeping in the bed, I could've gone on the sofa but I was too fucked to think about that. What do I do? I feel awful. It's worse knowing I don't see my boyfriend for another week and 3 days
help me! I don't know what to do with myself?! This isn't me!
But dear, it IS you - getting drunk and not knowing what you are doing.
Does this happen often?
The point is that you were not in control of yourself. Sleeping in the same bed as another person is not the "crime" - it is not knowing what you did or with whom.
Consider yourself lucky and get past this. And watch your drinking!!
This has never happened before. And it won't again. The reason I got so drunk was because I was trying to get away from remembering my boyfriend is away. I rely on him a lot as I have mental health problems which have got quite bad again the past month or so. I knew I was safe getting drunk as my male friend is trustworthy. As I said before I didn't do anything, I know I wouldn't. I don't see being drunk as an excuse to cheat. I know being drunk wasn't an excuse as such for me sleeping in that bed, but my tiredness when I got back meant I fell asleep without really thinking about where I was and who was going to be there with me. I don't actually know what I'm trying to ask...I guess maybe confirmation this doesn't mean I'm a slag or something. I mean, is it morally wrong or not? Is this a serious issue or something I should stop being so worried about?
You made a silly mistake of getting drunk and falling asleep in your mates bed. Dont beat yourself up, nothing happened. You made a mistake and you ackowledged your mistake which means, you will not make it again.
You asked if it made you a slag? In my opinion it did not. You had no intention to become intimate with anyone. You had one too many drinks and fell asleep.
Is it morally wrong? Again, no. If this was something you did on a regular basis then yes, it could be but you have NEVER done this before and you have said you will never do it again.
Let it go. People have done alot worse.
Hi ANON19, you have to see this from your boyfriend's point of view. No man in his right mind is going to accept his girlfriend sleeping in bed with another man albeit a best friend or not. It's just not acceptable. And I'm sure you'd think the same if he said to you that he slept in a girl's bed.
You can't do anything about it now, it's happened. You made a really silly mistake that could really jeopardise your relationship and if you love this man to the extent of what you say then you'd never do such a thing in the first place. There isn't an excuse for it. If you are in a serious committed relationship then you crossed that line between 'not a good idea' and 'really bad idea'. It's what breaks people up, when you trust someone that much to the extent of you NEED them so you feel happy and normal and they make you feel complete and then you go and do that, whether you actually meant to do it or not is not the point, the point is you did it. And whether it's serious or not in terms of whether you had sex or not or engaged in any way doesn't change the fact you got in bed with another man.
Just learn from this and have your wits about you and control yourself and make the right decisions.
Hope I helped
How do I tell my boyfriend? I mean I physically can't hide it from him. When he gets back I have to tell him. I'm not telling him over text, he needs to be told in person so he can get mad or whatever he might do. I hate hiding things from my boyfriend! Help!
If you feel that bad and you didn't do anything and you feel you must tell him, then tell him.
Understand that this may cause a loss of trust. Honestly with most people who are drunk they really don't remember everything they did. What if you did do something but don't remember it?
Think, how would you feel if your bf did what you did? It is a bummer...also you may want to avoid alcohol at times without your bf.
Sh*t happens. Falling asleep where you happen to already be when inebriated is not a voluntary action. The most you did that your boyfriend could choose to see as less than desirable was that you were lonely in his absence and to such an extent you weren't even choosy about what particular form that company took. Company was company, that was your agenda. How flattering to HIM that you feel so bereft in his absence, eh!
If involuntary actions were considerable as full-blown transgressions, then there'd be no such thing as manslaughter, just murder, and spouses all over the world would be suing for divorce on the grounds of: s/he burped in my face.
Imagine if you'd LEFT that house and ended up in some terrible or even fatal predicament? What would your boyfriend think then? I imagine he'd be wailing, 'WHYYYY didn't she stay when they invited her to, whaaaah, if only she HAAAD, whaaaah!!!'. With that the case, he should be glad you chose the more sensible option, despite you later passed the point of being capable to make further, more wise choices.
You didn't sleep with this guy, you didn't kiss him, you didn't cuddle him, you didn't possess nor make manifest with self-consensual intention ANY giving of impression that any of the men there had a chance to try anything on romantically with you.
You just got drunk enough to lose your free will autonomy as resulted in sleep getting foisted on you where you were sat.
Your highly noticeable remorseful anguish does your convincing for you, in my opinion. Either [a] keep this to yourself out of a wish not to cause the man you love and whose feelings you care about and have a duty to protect any such needless and pointless - repeat, NEEDLESS AND POINTLESS cause for upset and doubts over the fact this guy you passed out next to happened to have been one who was once a 'nearly', or [b] explain it rationally and unbrideldly to him like you have to us and leave the rest to fate and this catalyst for proving that he loves you, warts and innocent mistakes and all, thus wants to continue this relationship with you rather than use it as his brilliant excuse to quit.
PS: I'm sure if anything whatsoever HAD happened, you - like countless of Rohipnol-type date-rape victims before you - would have found SOMETHING that counted as evidence: soreness between the legs and inside, clothes in disarray in such a way that wouldn't result from normal sleeping shifting patterns, stubble grazes on your chin, smudged lipstick, bra fastened using the wrong eyelet hole, EEEEET-cetera, etcetera, etcetera... including just an unshiftable, indelible sense.
Yep, I agree with Soulmate and I also believe you should not mention anything to your partner as this will create unecessary trust issues. Again, I repeat, you did NOT do anything sexual NOR did you have the intention to do anything sexual so why raise the doubht in his mind. Telling him this COULD just end your relationship.
Cheers, K...and you've got me thinking:
Maybe that's why she sounds so anxious? Maybe he does tend to overreact or even just shoot first, ask questions later? So maybe she feels torn between preserving her integrity or relationship quality (or the relationship itself)?
Is it, Anon?
He isn't aggressive at all, if that's what you mean. But he has trust issues due to a previous girlfriend cheating on him. This was full blown cheating though, she slept with someone else. I know he loves me to bits, but I have no idea how he would react to this. I told him that night I was with my male friend and that I was staying in his uni friends room, but at the time I didn't even know I'd end up sleeping next to my male friend :/ our relationship is very stable, I have mental health problems which I mentioned earlier that do sometimes upset the relationship. But neither of us want to be with anyone else, he does sometimes feel a bit helpless I know, but he also is very forgiving when i snap at him when having a bad episode.
Yep, that is what I was thinking Soulmate but Anon just answered it. I think due to your mental health issues your anxiety and guilt is exacerbated. You also say you are over reliant on your bf so that coupled in with your mental health issues has made you believe you have let your bf down. Which I will say again.....I don't think you have.
You also say he has trust issues due to being cheated on in the past. My personal.opinion is, if you do tell him what you did, this will damage your relationahip. He will not believe nothing happened. We all believe you but he wont. I really do hope you can try and see the situation the way we are seeing it but, again, if you feel you really do need to tell him, just be prepared for the consequences especially as he already has trust issues.
I agree, he quite likely won't, because he's the one with the personal investment always at risk AND that tricky baggage, not us. Early levels of trust can be stretched only so far and negative over-imagination is a right b*gger.
Me and my girlfriend had this discussion, she thinks it would be acceptable to crash in the same bed as a male mate she has known since they were kids. I kicked off as I don't think it's appropriate whatsoever. Sleeping in a bed with someone is a very personal thing. A so does not share a bed with different men. Plus if you are both in a bed and drunk one thing could lead to another, a spoon could lead to a kiss etc how would you feel if the roles were reversed
No, I have to be honest - because I'm as sexually-possessive as my husband (much to his delight and relief) - I don't think it is, either, JOHN. Plus a relationship feels that much more special and sacred if it's seen to provide greater exclusive privileges than normal. But if you're drunk as a skunk and basically lose consciousness, you're not responsible. Plus, it wasn't IN the bed. Plus, LOL, I doubt she would have been capable of clearing her throat at that point, let alone spooning or kissing.
I think the issue is more to do with having a 'nearly' as your friend in the first place. Trouble is, though, irrespective that it's not his fault as such - her boyfriend's had to effectively abandon her for what sounds like an extended period. And when in that situation, you NEED your friends around you to keep you from feeling bereft and falling apart when it all gets too much.
John, I agree. It is not right for a friend to crash in a male mates bed regardless of being childhood friends as things could lead to being intimate, especially under the influence BUT under the circumstances which Anon has given, in my opinion she was not wrong. This was a genuine mistake. She had no other intention and if it is a one off, it can be forgiven.