Boyfriend refuses to breakup
30 yr old female have been with my boyfriend since 15. We argue all the time and sometimes we say the meanest things. Last night we had another fight, probably a stupid one but another one. I came home from work and noticed that that he cleaned and also cleaned the fish tank; as I walked in I smiled said thank you and went on as normal. As I walked in the kitchen I noticed that AGAIN he placed a heavy object on my noticeable fragile plant. I walked over removed it and said to him can tou please do me a favor and not place anything on my plant you know it was hard enough to grow let alone be squished. He then started to get mad, he had also rearranged the living room we were getting a couch and table as he set them up he asked what I thought of the tables location I said it was ok but thought it might be in the way of moving around. Now's he's noticeably mad. About a half hour later I asked if he had seen my eye drops me motioned to where he had stashed it, it wasn't there so I mentioned that every time he cleans I can never find my things and he says that he never saw them. Well that's the end of a decent day...now we are full blown arguing saying that I shouldn't have anything bad to say about anything since he cleaned. I guess he figures if he cleans no matter I should never complain or question anything. I guess I was wrong for getting mad too but I didn't think it was my fault. Well long story short (too late) I said I think we should breakup I told him that I haven't felt like we've been a couple in years and that we should stop dragging this along. We said he didn't want ro but I dont see the point in staying together we fight all the time we have sex maybe once or twice every month or two..we never wants to do anything fun with me or even show anytype of affection. We haven't french kissed in about 8 yrs hes given countless excuses for that as well why he cant hold my hand. Cuddling forget I have to hold him because he isn't comfortable holding me ever even for 2mins. I dont know what else to do hes isn't good with money or have any family so if I put my foot down and kick him out hes homeless, he refuses to go to counseling because he says if it wasn't for arguing all the time wed be fine. But his fine is no sex no affection no plans for having fun with me and me never complaining about that or getting mad. I feel like a roommate that's being used. Please I dont know what else to do...he says I want to breakup with him so I can be slut and sleep around he was my first and its been 14 years and ive never slept with anyone else. I just cant get through to him about anything. Sorry this is alot but I had to get it off my chest and thanks in advance for type or advice.
Sounds to me like deeper down he knows you're not right for each other longer term but 'up top' he daren't one-two-three-jump. Think about it: it's almost WORSE when they've done something good but then balances it (whether wittingly or subconsciously) with something bad, because then you SENSE that they're trying to tie your hands against complaining, setting your complaint up as unreasonable. Put it this way: he did know never to squish the plant (and I'm sure he IS clever enough to see what you saw in terms of obstruction to free access posed by the furniture rearrangement). So why wasn't it a case of you coming home to a clean and still-orderly house AND your plant not squished?
It's akin to the husband who agrees to wash-up or initiates it but, whoops, manages to drop plates and smash glasses.
To me, this dual set of actions says: I love you/I hate you.
Now imagine you manage to successfully chuck him based on this whole event. He gets to spin it to himself and others that you were just an ungrateful bizc because 'look...'.
So his problem is this: He doesn't have the bravery to resign, wants to get fired. But then in comes his second problem of being unable to embrace the *transitional* chain in the complete necklace chains called Here to There (change). IOW, he's pushing for it (underhandedly or under his own radar), then bottling out at the last minute. This then puts you in the position of having to INSIST (as impacts as 'nasty').
He wants you to tie his laces for him. You've grown and matured in that relationship. Him less so. He doesn't want you but he needs you. As you're well aware, that's not enough of a reason to stay.
Frankly, it's utterly laughable that he's even doing this housework and thinking it compensates for the total lack elsewhere of boyfriend duties!
"I feel like a roommate that's being used. "
You are. And it's not your problem that he's allowed himself to get into a position where without you he'd be homeless. You don't owe him staying with him (in the process effectively taking a nun's vow); he's not your kid. That's his problem to remedy like the grown adult male he should by now be. However, if you can't get over your conscience enough to be cruel to be kind, then I suggest you firmly and clearly give him a couple of month's notice...whatever period you believe is reasonable for allowing him the time to find alternative lodgings.
But if even some reasonable period isn't enough for HIM, then he must have special needs, in which case you should refer to him to his local council.
PS: Next time he tries throwing this emotionally blackmailing statement at you - "he says I want to breakup with him so I can be slut and sleep around" - smile and say, ABSOLUTELY! IN FACT, I CANNOT *WAIT*!!
It really seems as if you're not even happy with each other any longer, so I don't see any reason to extend this relationship any further. The cleaning incident is just one example and probably hides some deeper personal incompatibility between the two of you.
You should definitely break up with him and if he refuses to, then you have no choice but to "kick him out." You shouldn't feel guilty as SOULMATE has stated, just give him advance notice beforehand.
It seems you have a real issue at hand that has persisted for a very long time that you need to resolve. :/ Hopefully I can offer some assistance.
Below I have linked two articles that have helped me personally when making up my mind about ending an relationship. I can only hope these will help you too.
Thank you all for the advice...it is so hard to know what to do...I just want this to work as crazy or as stupid as I sound right now. We probably should breakup but for obvious reasons its hard. I love this man and hes all I know in every situation( that's not an excuse by the way). Also like someone mentioned earlier it's like an I love you and I hate you situation; this last argument was this past Saturday, yesterday on Tuesday I had my mind blown I received a text from him asking if I wanted a baby? We dont have any children in a way thank god but anyway he said he was thinking that maybe he did want them and just said to himself fuck it we should. I know he loves me but i know that with all the Years in this I dont think he thinks he needs to try anymore. Needless to say I said no and told him that we needed to have a serious talk about our relationship and fix us before we even thought about a child, he agreed said we would talk....later that night we both got home from work and neither one of us talked about that text it was as if it never happened. Its a just a weird situation...thanks again for advice and let me know what you guys think.
I think you got together when he was 15 or 16 - and he stayed that way emotionally.
You sure have a lot of time invested in this guy. Half your life. And now . . . he squashes your plant and won't make love to you anymore.
Off to counseling with you two - ASAP! Then you can figure out if you want to continue on.
He just doesn't seem like he has grown up . . .