Cheated, thinking of continuing, confused
. Am 32. Living with boyfriend for over 6 years. He broke up with me a year into our relationship for another woman he was seeing while we were still together. We got back about a month after when he says he realized I was the one and he made a mistake. Been together since but have been having problems the past year or so. Money problems in that he wants to spend more than we can then gets upset when I tell him we have responsibilities. I have been feeling distant and told him. I told him how we can try to fix it and he says he will try but I still see us the same way. I told him I want us to try little things like going someplace different. To the park or so. He says ok. I told him I feel like we don't do anything different and I want quality time over quantity. He goes out with his friends a lot and I get angry usually because of this. I tell him that he goes out with his friends but reluctant with me. Like the other day I asked him to take me to the supermarket to get dessert and he said no. But his friends called him to go fishing and he jumped up and went so I got mad. For me he didn't wanna get up but he did for his friends.
A couple months now one of his friends, whom I've known as long as I've been with my boyfriend, started texting me. Now a little history: a few months into my relationship before we got serious, I had a fling with this same guy. Let's call him Dave and let's call my boyfriend Mark. I had a month long fling with Dave and we slept together a couple times. He wanted a relationship but I felt bad To break up with Mark especially since we started getting serious then. So I ended it with Dave.
He eventually found a girlfriend and for three years while he was wih her I saw him only a handful of times. They broke up a while ago and he started texting me saying he missed my kisses. We've had many LONG conversations via texts and he says he wants me. he said he misses all that we had and wants it again. A month ago or so I was out and still distant with mark so he left me at the bar with Dave. We had some drinks and I ended up leaving with him. We had sex in his vehicle that night. He texts me everyday saying he wants to see me but I feel guilty for what we did but I still want to see him.
He is a really nice guy and the opposite of Mark. Mark doesn't like to communicate with me and I have to twist his arm to get him to talk about our relationship. Dave is always saying that communication is important and he is not afraid to open up to me. Anything I ask him he talks to me. And of course the money. We are in a tight budget mark and I but Dave has a lot of money. I jus think that we would be able to go out more and not quarrel so much if Mark and I had more cash.
On the other hand, Mark has agreed to give me a baby as that is something I want. I thought I was pregnant a month ago and he was disappointed when I got a negative result. Dave now, he doesn't want any kids right now. Since I am 32 already, I want a kid soon. Within the next year. So in that aspect, I don't see how I would be happy with Dave for very long. but I think again and if I am not that happy with Mark now, how will things be with a baby on top of it?
I am really confused and need some advice. I love Mark but don't know if I am still in love with him. I like Dave but don't know if we have anything real there that will last the honeymoon period.
I am in the middle and not sure which way to turn. My feelings for Mark are declining while my feelings for Dave are getting stronger. I remember Dave saying he didn't spend his bday with anyone and wanted to hangout with me. (Which was last week) but my boyfriend always wants a big party for his bday and forgets me. One thing me and Dave has in common is that he says he knows a lot of people but he considers them aquaintances and not friends, which is how I think. Mark on the other hand says he has many friends but I dont. I tell him they aren't his friends because when he needs them, they aren't there. They only want him when he can do something for them. So he gets angry and tells me I have no friends.
I was thinking of hanging out with Dave to talk and see how I feel when I am with him. Any advice? Thanks.
First of all, don't get pregnant. You are not ready to be a mother right now - and there's no reliable man in your life right now.
One guy is a bad-boy jerk and the other you don't know that much about - but at least he pays attention to you and you seem to have the same value system.
You are going to have to sort this out - but don't think having a baby is going to make things better. It is selfish of you to think it will.
Thank you for your response SUSiEDQ. However, I do not want to have a baby right now with this going on. I wanted a baby when I was happy but I would not bring one in at this point in my relationship. I need to figure things out first. I said I want a baby in my life but not right now. Since people on the outside have a more neutral point of view, I wanted to get some advice.
Mary, tough situation. Have you asked Mark why he is reluctant to go out and do things with you? Have you told him how it makes you feel besides angry? And are you really in love with him if you are thinking about Dave? Relationships are hard….
If you were in love with your boyfriend why did you cheat in the first place? And not just once either... To make it worse it was with his friend!!!! Pall that time you have kept it a secret and now have slept with him again, do your bf a favour and end the relationship.
I say go for Dave. Its clear that you and Mark don't have anything anymore. I know it seems like you should stay with him because you've already been with him for so long but he doesn't seem to be the best thing for you. Even if you don't pursue things wig Dave, you should still end the relationship with Mark. If your boyfriend thinks it is okay to insult you by telling you that you have no friends and constantly pick his own friends over you then he is NOT. WORTH IT. Explore your feelings for Dave. But don't ever cheat. Its never okay to cheat. My father cheated on my mother for 3 years and it slowly ripped my family apart. I had to live with my mother and she constantly was cruel to us because of how angry she was at my dad. She made me do dishes, clean floors, cook dinner, take out the trash, clean the bathroom, clean the living room, and on top of having to do all the housework I had to also keep my grades up throughout school and basically raise my little brother for 2 years before she finally got herself handled. But for those two years, my life was total hell. I grew angry and took it out on others. CHEATING IS NEVER OKAY. EVER. IT RUINS LIVES. Honestly, you should be ashamed. Stop cheating. Dump Mark. Explore your feelings for Dave.