PeoplesProblems Logo

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
Emotional advice Been married 1 yr , together 3 yrs , and at first all was great ! I was aware that he had been divorced from his ex wife 7yrs and had been living with an older woman ( frnd w benefits ) for a few yrs but had only knew him a short period of time ( we worked together ) when we started dating . Well we spoke of the frnd w benefits he informed me and she as well they were over had been for about 6 mnths prior to us seeing each other , I was ok w that . When the time came for us to move in with each other the ex frnd w benefit flipped out . We have been married 1 yr and all 3 yrs of our relationship it has consisted of stalking issues from the ex frnd w benefit and the ex wife ... Him not really standing up for me when they would harrass me , his kids being brain washed by his exwife , and his ex threatening to keep his kids frm him if he stayed w me . Then as the years passed he continued to get more angry and verbally and slight physically abusive to me , I was constantly the one he took his anger out on , he was a jelous controlling man as well . He wanted to control me but when I tried beig intimate w him when things were going great w us he would put me down I never and really still dont understand how someone can claim to love you so much but then treat you like your suppose to only be loved affectionately and romantically when its good for them , thats so 1 sided . Anyways after a huge fight the other night I told him to leave after he compared me to his other exs then called his ex wife his " wife " and told me he was going to sleep w all the women he could since he was moving ... I was very bitter w him , can someone please give me advice !!!!

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
You will have to make a decision here: Do you want to stay with this man or do you want to leave him? There's no middle ground.

If you want to stay with him, then if/when you've had time to talk to him after you have both calmed down a bit, then you need to have a very long talk with him regarding his behavior and what you want from this relationship.

Make it clear to him that:
-His ex-gf/friend with benefits is his problem not yours and you do not want to put up with any nonsense involving her. If he wants your support in dealing with her, then reassure him that you will be there for him, but that you will not be a frontliner against this person because he has to deal with her himself eventually.
-You will not put up with verbal and physical abuse anymore. You are a secure, independent individual and you do NOT need him or any other man in your life even though you would prefer it if you were to stay together.
-You need to make things clear about the intimacy and romance in the relationship. How would you like things to proceed between the two of you? You might think that it should be crystal clear what you want, but men need to be told these things in concrete words or they will think that it's just fine to continue on with their default behavior no matter how many subtle cues you show him that it's not.

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
Ive decided to get a divorce ive waisted too much time on them and I need to relax and have peace ofind with myself. Thank you for your advice its nice talking to you .

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
walk away and get a divorce. if he physically abuses you its not worth it. i dont feel that is acceptable in a marriage. i know things happen and you have arguements but to put your hands on the one you love and say hurtful things on purpose is not worth it. and sometimes people start to believe those hurtful things that one can say to someone. words can be hurtful. if he trulyyyyy loves you and want to be happily married he would fix this chaos.

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image

Having read between, around and under the lines and based on, amongst other things, a striking similarity with prior cases...

When you do file for divorce I suggest you cite adultery (so that in all likelihood the typically disapproving family court judge will find a way to punish him financially, to your benefit, without transgressing his/her judicial guidelines):

If the FWB went ballistic the minute she found out he and you were moving in together, that very heavily indicates that at that point she still felt she and he were an item, which in turn suggests he'd still been having sexual relations with her. You'd shown him you'd swallowed all too easily his earlier reassurance, based on premature/artificial trust of him, which it seems gave him the sense of confidence needed to start it up again (or not end it for real).

The (pff) man had been furtively trying to organise himself a secret harem. We're talking MAJOR over-entitlement issues. An ego f***ed up from a very young age, possibly birth.

The 'stalking' you describe smacks to me of these ladies' attempts to combinedly wreak revenge on him and re-secure the position of Number 1. They couldn't gain any headway through him, hence harassed YOU to make you, the alleged sole obstruction, 'disappear'.

This pressure on him had to be regulated and made someone's fault - anyone's but his - so he directed it at you. Whether or not he could see how unfair and foolhardy that was, at least he had a personal kicking cat to discharge his stress onto.

He was jealous and controlling because - look how easy HE found it to cheat and not get caught, ergo it stood to reason (in his mind) you might just as easily get up to the same. What to do, what to do...

He would put you down whenever you tried to be intimate, [1] as his way of putting you off so as to give his mind the sense of having lessened the extent to which he was cheating on his "ex"-wife and FWB, and [2] to destroy your sexual confidence in order to 'hobble' you against an ability to cheat (in case you truly were or ever would, thanks to the enforced sexual deprivation).

He wouldn't stand up for you whenever they harassed you, aside from in an empty gestural, ineffectual way, because [1] it meant at least HE wasn't getting the flack (meaning, you became their kicking cat, too - something I don't doubt he proactively helped stoke and encourage), [2] it enhanced the abovementioned hobbling campaign, and [3] because their continued sexual cooperation with him relied in part on their (stupid) deification of him getting preserved.

Whenever he deigned to initiate sex with you, it was just an exercise to keep you from reaching the end of your tether, to feed your hope.

The kids wouldn't have needed much 'brainwashing', just a false inkling, courtesy of their mother's own delusion and total behaviour to suit, INCLUDING DADDY'S REGULAR "YOU-KNOW-WHAT-TYPE VISITS", that mummy and daddy would (and still could) get back together if only it weren't for you. Hence also he - whoops - blurtingly under a critical point of pressure referred to his ex-wife as wife.

This (pff) man is a Machievellian-style Narcissist in extremis and it's not that difficult to fill in the gaps of your story with the right pieces (which original pieces could seem more innocent in isolation but not when placed all together like that) as then makes sense of everything from your reported point of view (- excellent synopsising, btw). With such intricate and in-depth machination and plate-spinning being required (which takes extensive practise), and not just two but THREE women being so high-maintenance (thanks to him), and so many sets of lies upon lies, I'm surprised he ever had time to *fart*. Little wonder he couldn't ever manage to hide or contain the pressure, therefore. Same goes also for the fact that his resultant lack of sexual appetite could be so readily put to convenient use.

This explains why you got the characteristic, full-blown charm offensive in the early days, enough to hook you (- someone clearly not lacking in intelligence) in the first instance, then keep you hooked via your memory of those good times coupled with the convincement they supplied over the illusion that recapturing those times was possible if only you tried a bit harder, a bit barder (including not rocking the boat)...

He saw you as weak but didn't take into account how strength and weakness live on the same continuum, meaning, come the day you'd taken enough sh*t, you'd find yourself full circle back to strength (via fury). But you got there in record time (so he under-estimated you).

...And here you now are.

Hope I've joined all the dots for you - which I suspect you suspected, anyway, from the manner in which you told us what you did know - because it'll help prevent you from losing your resolve once he tries to emotionally manipulate and/or suck you back in via a 2nd charm offensive. A Narcissist of this type does not let go of his 'property' without a huge fight. Expect a messy divorce unless your solicitor (one with experience of this type) knows to ignore most all attempts to engage aside from very brief and perfunctory acknowledgement letters. However, it's a good idea to meanwhile fail to engage via any medium other than email and then kid him by how you respond into thinking their keeping you riled so as to encourage him to send more and more...which you then pass to your solicitor for the court file.

If the two of you are well off, he'll try every trick in the book to hide the money (so don't delay with issuing the divorce petition and filling in your financial disclosure/Form E) because it's "HIS" money, not yours. Saying that, most FC judges and barristers know to expect that.

Kudos to you because to cope with all of that yet remain standing as tall as you sound takes real mettle! (SKYwalker, more like!)

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
Hello all wow im so thankful for the responses my , forum has received , and " SOULMATE " im impressed with your intuitive description of the situation and him , you described his dark , deceptive ways perfectly , thank you for sharing your wisdom .. All the responses are great and " SOULMATE " you ended your notation w the term " SKYwalker" , that is so intuitive due to the fact that his email is " SKYWALKER " , which he made years before us ever getting together . Anyways I I cant wait to read other responses on my forum , thanks again !!!

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
You're welcome, but, when I said Skywalker, I was referring to YOU because of how against-odds strong you are (you have the force). Him? He's Darth Vader. Or more appropriate in this case, he's the Queen of Hearts to your Alice.

He may sense he has strength and endurance powers (equal to your own), but his can be used only to the power of bad/total selfishness. His mind wouldn't be able to admit this because his "This Way Up" is at the opposite end to that of healthy people (hence why he twists everything 180 degrees before his mind can accept it onto the existing pile of twisted data without risk of the whole house of cards falling down as a result). He probably thinks *you're* the mad one...but perversely, that's a huge compliment and cause for relief.

Actually, NOT equal to your own. Because the female is more deadly than the male. But first you have to tap (dispassionately) into his way of thinking so as to be on a level divorcal playing field with all the exact same tools/weapons at your disposal. If you can do that, you'll wipe the floor with him.

Read "I hate you!/Don't leave me!", but don't let it make you feel sorry for him and affect your decision. Just feel sorry for the little boy he once was (- parents/genes uck you up).

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
On the subject of the divorce I sent him a message tonight on fb requesting he pay for the divorce then it turned into a huge conversation that I ended by deactivating my account and then he just showed up here to tell me he loved me and she looked like an idiot by bringing him here and sitting in her car waiting on him to tell me he loved me and try and talk me out of the divorce and then she started hollering out at 1030at night from her car as she was getting impatient waiting she said " if you want to stay stay if not we need to go but if you want to stay ill leave you here to talk to your wife " all of it made her look pathetic in my eyes and desperate . After he left im thinking why I the world does he keep creating turmoil here just to end up there and then come back here and try and talk me into letting him come back , hes so out of sorts w himself and then my exhusband is having to move in with me to help me w the rent due to my husband leaving me w no job , no money and my daughters need a roof over their heads which put my exhusband in a spur of the moment situation with no given notice of my husband leaving like he did, and then my husband wants to politely bash me for my ex moving back in , which my ex huband and I will not ever be back together and we both agree w that fact and the living arrangement works well for us hes out of town all but 1 day of the week so its not like we are here in the house together very much , so I really dnt see why my husband worries when hes there w her everyday . And he knows my ex husband talks to other women sees other women and I dnt make it my business because the way I see it hes my ex yes hes going to be here to help pay the bills my husband left behind but what he does is his business and I dnt want to know my exs business thats why hes my ex .

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
Okay, next time don't LET it turn into a huge conversation. But well done for deactivating your account and chucking him out - I can see you're deadly serious. And evidently, so can he - hence turning up in person. With his lover playing chauffeur (WTF?!). I assume you mean the FWB rather than the wife-whoops-sorry-EX-wife?

Hollering at 10.30 at night? Hmm. Considerate lady, well plugged into her surroundings, clearly (not).

I take it he has a car of his own? Why did she have to bring him? If she didn't, then, that was a ploy to make you feel jealous and give in.

It does show she's complicit in his attempted harem set-up, though.

He has to keep creating turmoil through the overall cheating campaign plus its intricacies because he needs a constant distraction from the truthful whisperings in the recesses of his mind, otherwise, that tell him what a lump of sh*t he is. This is the narcissist's problem: they deep-down suspect they're a nothing and nobody so are fixated on finding as many ways as possible to prove otherwise and keep that accusation at bay. But because this sense, this very poor self-esteem, is so ingrained, not enough reassurance to the contrary contained in reality can ever sufficiently put paid to it.

Why do you put it like, 'husband leaving me with no job and money' when, again I presume, you were the one kicked HIM out? You were, right?

Anyway, you don't have to worry about that because he's legally-bound to continue supporting you (via bank account direct debit) to basically the same extent as before until after the divorce court has decided on a settlement. It's called Interim Maintenance. So you need to make an appointment with a solicitor URGENTLY to get him/her putting that put firmly into place. Whilst waiting, you can then ask your bank for a loan to bridge that gap between his absenting the former marital home (FMH) and your being awarded settlement. Your solicitor will explain all of this and more to you in full detail, though.

I'm glad for you that ex-husband had a need to band up with you, so to speak. But your (uh) husband (let's refer to him as Mustafah Problem, or MP for short, shall we? - seems appropriate given the harem aspect) isn't thinking about you and how things affect you, just him..and another man has moved onto "his" territory.

What do you mean you asked MP to pay for the divorce? You mean to lodge the petition? A good solicitor will just put that on your bill as then gets paid off - deducted - from your court-ordered settlement once the Decree Absolut gets issued. You don't need him to pay, just go ahead and raise the petition yourself.

Cease worrying about what MP might worry about. He and what he might think and feel are not your problem any more. He didn't worry about what YOU thought or think, now, did he. His bed, he can lie on it.

Note this, however: you'll have to tell your solicitor that you've moved your ex in to keep you from crashing financially as a temporary measure. I.e. he's just staying for a while as a guest. Otherwise, MP's Interim Maintenance payment will be adjusted DOWNWARDS to take into account the fact you are either cohabiting or have taken in a lodger.

Do you have any divorced friends whose financial status roughly matched what yours and MP's is? You need to ring round asap and get a divorce solicitor's number. I advise you get one that specialises in divorce.

My marital nightmare!

Default profile image
Sorry - said that wrong: I don't mean you lie to your solicitor - no-no-no-NEVER. S/he is on your side. I meant your solicitor should present it to 'the other side' that ex is just staying as a long-ish-term guest because HE is in financially difficulty.

Ask your ex to contribute in cash, if possible, so that there's no record in your bank statements. And try to keep your daughters ignorant of the set-up (what they don't know they can't, if ever confronted, blurt out).

PS: I'm most impressed with what it says about your emotional maturity and level of considerateness (protecting your daughters' welfares), the fact you and ex-husband became pals. Kudos.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?