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Am I being selfish??

Posted by
PIHU12
on Oct 1 2014 at 23:21
Member since: 01 October 2014
S-e-x advice Hi..i am married for 2 yrs 7mnths but me n my husband have c hardly had sex...I've tried tlking, fighting, taunting evrythng but ntng seems 2 wrk..initially v had a lot of problems at home n i felt dats y he's not initiating sex...but now wen things r better n different he still doesnt..n if eva i initiate den he satisfies himself n v r done..wat abt me?? Dnt i deserve 2 b satisfied?? I so want sex now n he's juz not interested..2nite i dressed up in sexy lingerie n he didnt evn bother instead juz dosed off..i feel lyk cheating on him n satisfy myself 4m some1els...i juz want him 2 gimme physical satisfaction..i feel as if i am being desperate for it n he juz doesnt seem 2 notice..deres evrythng els betwn us..deres care deres cuddling evrynite b4 v sleep..but i feel d love is gone..evn i want a normal lyf wid him lyk othr couples...y cnt he juz c it????

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 2 2014 at 00:19
Member since: 19 August 2014
Pls cd u nt uz txt tk nxt tm cuz it duz my hed in. Thx. ;-)

1. When you say you've hardly had sex, do you mean since the day you became a couple, the day you married, just recently? Which?

2. Define 'problems at home'?

3. When your initiation proves successful he treats you like nothing more than a warm hole put there for his convenience? Yes, of course you deserve to be satisfied. Why are you even asking such a no-brainer question? Had you had no prior relationship experience before getting it together with him?

You dressed up and he dozed off? Do WHAT-ah??!? Dozed off at what point in the proceedings, specifically?

More data pending, I'd conclude either he doesn't fancy you, or he doesn't have a libido to speak of, or he's getting his fulfilment elsewhere. Or he's homosexual and you're his cover.

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
PIHU12
on Oct 2 2014 at 11:19
Member since: 01 October 2014
Sorry about that.

1.we have hardly had sex since we got married..mine was an arranged marriage so it took time till we got comfortable and then later things got difficult at home for us to remove any time together.

2.since i live in a joint family my mother in law would keep picking fights for petty things and would also keep complaining about me to my husband..this made him distant from me which we tried to resolve later

3. My initiation for sex is often turned down by reasons like its late, i am tired, etc..n yes i did have relationships in the past but i was a virgin till i got married...i did have fun but did not have proper sex...and probably it is also one of the reasons why i want my husband to be more concerned and sensitive towards me..with him i dont feel as if he desires me..we live like roomies

when i dressed up he absolutely didnt do anything..if i ask for sex he turns me down..this time i thought i will not say it..let him see it..but i was shattered when he just slept off..i felt like a desperate slut whose begging for sex

I know sex aint everything in a married life but i still want it..whenever if ever he agrees to make love its just rubbing himself on top of me and going and cleaning up...i then feel that i am a sex doll where you satisfy yourself without thinking about the doll..he never evn tries enough to turn me on..infact rarely when he initiates sex i dont even get wet..even after telling him what i want him to do he still doesnt bother..

i feel like cheating on him and satisfying myself...sex is no longer my want but my need..i need someone to make me feel wanted..someone who would be crazy for me and make me crazy for him..would it be wrong if i just meet my needs elsewhere??

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 2 2014 at 15:06
Member since: 27 December 2013
You and your husband need to go away for a few days. Announce that the purpose of the vacation is for a second honeymoon and you are planning a very romantic time.

The stage will be set: He can't profess being tired or have any other excuse. Take things slow and show him how to make love to you.

You are going to get your answers about many things after this trip.

Do not stay in a loveless marriage. But if he has family pressures that prevent him from paying attention, then get into counseling about it.

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 2 2014 at 23:57
Member since: 19 August 2014
Agree.

And you're not unreasonable to feel the way you feel about it all, PIHU12.

Not

one

IOTA!

If, after trying Susie's suggestion (assuming that's do-able?), the situation was still the same, could you divorce him?

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
PIHU12
on Oct 3 2014 at 04:44
Member since: 01 October 2014
We did take a holiday for 8 days a few months back where it was just the 2 of us...but nothing happened even then...i initiated it once but he did did not try to turn me on enough abd i just didnt get wet so nothing happened and after that neither did he try nor did i... divorce is not an option for me at all..i come from an indian family and i will have no place to go if i separate from my husband..my stepdad wont take me in..

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
BBOY
on Oct 3 2014 at 08:30
Member since: 03 October 2014
Wow I'm kind of in the same boat...crazy to hear from a female. I thought this stuff only happened to guys O_o.

Anyhow in my experience there seems to be a lot more going on in the background. For example in my situation my wife has anxiety and depression issues. It is hard because I have supported her and tried many things like giving tons of affection and completely make it a goal that she is fully satisfied before I am.

Recently she has been completely turned off and has no sense of feeling it seems. I mean is that possible?! Can a couple be having sex while one doesn't feel a thing? To me this is all female because a guy you can very much tell he is feeling good. If not, you know that as well.

Anyhow I am sorry you are dealing with this as it is extremely frustrating. I wouldn't cheat but dig deeper and search for the core of the problem. I like how you put it as it seems to have become the same for me... Sex is no longer my want, it is my need. The husband and wife should take care of each other in this.

I wish we could talk more as just letting it out, helps. Great post. I'm with you and completely understand.

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 3 2014 at 11:15
Member since: 19 August 2014
So (just to be straight on this), PIHU12: divorce is not an option, but you could take a lover?

What would happen if he ever found out? Would he divorce you then?

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
PIHU12
on Oct 4 2014 at 20:38
Member since: 01 October 2014
@RICH...i really am sad 2 know that somebody somewhere else is also going through the same thing and i wouldn't mind tlking about it often

@SOULMATE...i dont have the answers to these questions but i know what i want..i simply want to feel good about myself...i want someone to think about me...and if any one has any other idea i still am open to working my relationship out

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 4 2014 at 21:32
Member since: 27 December 2013
Does your husband see this as an issue? Is he sad about how he can't please you or does he refuse to talk about it?

OMG!! Does he even KNOW that you are so sexually frustrated?

PS - You don't have to "go home" after a divorce, in fact, you would be working and in your own apartment should you get a divorce, right? Your family would have you stay in a loveless marriage. Tell them there will be no grandchildren because your husband does not want to make children. THAT should wake them up to the situation!

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
K
on Oct 4 2014 at 22:01
Member since: 09 April 2014
I don't think you can do anymore tbh. Newly married, husband not wanting to be intimate, making excuses, I mean seriously? can you not see that there are some serious issues that need to be addressed from your husbands side!! The problem clearly lies in him, not you. Something is going on from his side of things and that is what you need to look into.

You are considering to cheat but BEFORE you even go along that trail of thought dont you think you should get to the bottom of things first. I know that if my partner refused me in an intimate way, the first thing I would need to find out is why!!!! And not, fine, I will get it from elsewhere!!! For all you know, he could be having extra curriculum activities OUTSIDE the home.

You say you had an arranged marriage? Do you know much about his past? And if not, perhaps dig deep and try to find out and along your line of enquiry, you MAY just find out the real reasons as to why he does not want to be intimate with his OWN WIFE.

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
PIHU12
on Oct 5 2014 at 08:27
Member since: 01 October 2014
@SUSIEDQ...he does know i am upset about it but he just refuses to do anything...he's interested in everything els othr then me..last nite i again tried to get him in bed but he found reading a novel or watching a movie more important n turned me down again..in India n specailly in Mumbai its difficult to survive on my own..renting an apartment is not at all possible as i will not be able to afford it..and as far telling about it at home means i will have 2 listen to things like i cant keep my husband interested in me..

@K.i have tried tlking to him but he just refuses to openly say anything..and its not that I've straight come to cheating on him..i have tried working things out but they just dont seem to go anywhere..u could help me with what and how are you expecting me to talk to him...

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
K
on Oct 5 2014 at 10:51
Member since: 09 April 2014
Stop the talking and find out what he is doing. It just seems a little odd. Perhaps look behind his actions.

Check his phone. Look into the internet history and perhaps check who he is talking to. What does he do after work? who does he hang around with? Look into it.

Many will not like what I have said but imho, you really don't have any other choice because you HAVE tried everything. IF, after doing your research, you find nothing, then to a certain extent you have your answer which is perhaps your husband just has a very low sex drive. You can work on a underlying medical issue but first, you need to be sure that that is the only issue.

Am I being selfish??

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 5 2014 at 11:19
Member since: 19 August 2014
I'm with K. I, too, was wondering whether he has a lover on the side, perhaps a girlfriend that existed prior to the arranged marriage?

What if you took a lover and was found out? What would happen, would you be in any danger from his relatives?

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