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Jealousy, a continuing issue

- Oct 5 2014 at 02:51
Member since: 04 September 2014
Emotional advice So this is my second post on here about this. Now I am currently 2 months past the issues but it seems like the jealousy of it keeps coming back, and her actions aren't helping the situation.

My previous dilemma was that I had found explicitly sexual text messages to an ex on her phone, not just simply that they were full on sexual scenarios. The few i remember was her ex saying things like "think about me taking you doggy" and a reply of hers that still gets me shaking was "imagine me on my knees sucking on you" or very close to that. My heart rate soars when i think about it even now. I did go through her phone with permission but her problem was that she wasnt there when i did. I did not give her any warning that i was going to either it was a spur of the moment thing. She explained this to me at first as I didnt know it was wrong, then it was thats just how we talk, I didnt know if you would leave again, and lastly she didnt know if she was fully commited to the relationship. All of which were red flags for me. (this was 2 months ago)

What she meant by "leave again" is that within the first month of us starting dating I heard from one of my closest friends (granted I only have 3 true friends) that she was no good and that it was bad news to start dating her. so i broke it off and we kept talking a little bit so that i could get to know her better.

The other red flags that i have seen are that i was able to take her from the boyfriend she had at the time. not only that she admitted she had cheated on him more than once. These i think are minor as i believe that cheating is more situationally based. But its a red flag because i know she has the capacity to cheat under the right circumstances.

I keep getting these spells of jealousy and cheating paranoia and i cant shake them becuase i feel when her and i talked about the texts to her ex i never found closure i feel like im too suspicious of her, but recently her actions have changed and recently i mean in the last 2 weeks. She has never put her phone under or in her pillow and now she does. She would hang out with people usually during daylight hours and now she will hang out with some of them till early in morning. I know the people she says shes going to hang out with but i dont trust them either as they are a couple and the male in that couple just got caught cheating, as well as a straight male character who is staying with them. Now she will hang out over there the whole night and sometimes party with that group while im at work (I work night shift usually from 3PM to 6:30AM). I will say that there are times where ive confirmed that is where she is at. but not all the times she says shes been there.

Am I wrong for wanting to ask to go through her phone or do i have a basis to. i know i need to find some kind of closure. but idk how to do that. Does anyone have a piece of advice that may help. Thank you

Jealousy, a continuing issue

- Oct 5 2014 at 03:37
Member since: 29 December 2013
Quite frankly, you are in a relationship where you have no business being in. If don't have trust then you don't have a healthy relationship..it's that simple. You need to step back and look at the whole scenario because it's your choice whether you need to be in a situation where you will eventually end up damaged and hurt...and possibly angry.

Forget about going through her phone, instead ask yourself why you would bother trying to be with someone who isn't even on your page? She hasn't changed and as you state, her actions are not encouraging you to trust her but rather they are causing your anxiety and pushing your fears to the fore. Again..why bother?

You mention red flags...take notice of them because they are there for a very good reason.

Jealousy, a continuing issue

- Oct 5 2014 at 03:57
Member since: 04 September 2014
The thing is I dont know if she is going to cheat or has I feel if i find closure i can beat my paranoia. but writing it down now if feels like im being naive. It could all be innocent and im just grasping at straws. I cant tell if im in a position to get hurt from this or not. I can see this from my all sides ive stepped back from it and thought about the whole situation and ive also looked at it attaching emotion and how i feel towards it. I want it to work. I know im biased from previous experience and i tend to lean towards being paranoid. But from an outside view thinking devoid of my connection to it, the signs are there that shes capable, but i cant find a motive or reason for her to cheat. Therefor I cant just end it without proof thats whats stopping me.

Jealousy, a continuing issue

- Oct 5 2014 at 05:37
Member since: 29 December 2013
Basically you need to keep your heart safe because two people do this (keep their hearts safe) when they are in a relationship. Your gf is not offering you any at all when you know of her past behavior and by her present actions. Is she capable of it? Does she have a need to be with you? Are you her universe?

You need predictability but you're not getting any from this situation. This why your confusion is becoming apparent. You need to listen to your gut because if you instinctively knew all was all good with her and your relationship together, you wouldn't be here.

You don't need to catch her cheating to end it or even suspect that she's capable of cheating. If she's not returning what you are putting in, then you are wasting your time. Again, listen to your gut and not your heart because if you follow your heart when you have suspicions you will get hurt no matter how bad you want it to work.

Jealousy, a continuing issue

SOULMATE (moderator)
- Oct 5 2014 at 12:35
Member since: 19 August 2014
Agree with Manalone, but not that these are 'red flags'.

I mean: ""imagine me on my knees sucking on you" She didn't know sending this message to an ex was wrong in the context of her being someone else's girlfriend (yours)? Oh, please! What is she - five?

They're outright deal-breakers!

So now you have to take a very critical look at yourself and ask yourself, why don't you SEE them as dealbreakers or, more truthfully, won't ADMIT they are? The answer to that question is why you're still bothering with a relationship that is quite frankly PANTS.

"jealousy of it keeps coming back, and her actions aren't helping the situation."

Aren't helping. Cuh! That's like saying, 'I'm spurting arterial blood, and the fact my so-called girlfriend stabbed me with a 12-inch knife and is STILL stabbing me with it isn't helping'.

And why is she stabbing you? Because of this: "I didnt know if you would leave again". She's merging [1] a need for revenge with [2] trying to guarantee you'll stick around this time because [3] she can't hack being in a situation where she's been left high & dry and boyfriend-less - BY ENGAGING YOUR EGO IN A CHALLENGE to successfully see off another man (albeit indirectly, through her). You might find it relatively easy enough to leave a romantic relationship, but the same can't be said of leaving an at-a-distance sparring match with another male. She's got your number.

You're staying with her despite these gross insults=dealbreakers because, unbeknownst to you, your ego has dastardly plans for her. It wants to dupe you into thinking you genuinely want to get her completely away from him and dependent entirely on you whereat she'd hopefully relax and see you and she as now properly on, so that it can then will you to wreak revenge (or ego equalisation, if you prefer) by suddenly dumping her a*se or messing her around.

Yeah, well, damaged egos (and she's definitely damaged yours) AREN'T very good at seeing beyond the short-term to what's best for you longer-term. If they were, yours would have made you walk away by now.

This is not love, it's ego tennis.

If either of you were serious about being in a tournament that has as its prize a love trophy, you wouldn't have picked Ms Bean as your partner, she wouldn't have right from the off *played* like Ms Bean as then had you downing your racquet and walking off the court, and nor would you have got back onto the court where now you're likewise playing like *Mr* Bean.

This match is laughable as well as toxic. But it sounds like she came that way/started it (which your ego couldn't resist). So do you WANT to actually win a doubles tennis tournament where you and your partner rise through the ranks to the grand-slam tournaments, or are you going to keep pratting around in the amateur league via keeping a Ms Bean as your doubles partner as leads to getting laughed at before getting knocked out in the first round?

Simple as that.

Jealousy, a continuing issue

- Oct 5 2014 at 14:47
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your emotions (jealousy) and your unclear thinking (paranoia) are preventing you from seeing this situation accurately.

Re-read your own first post.

Can't get much more obvious about what she's doing.

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