How to let go if the first love I felt?
First of all, I'll introduce myself. I am 24 years old. I'm constantly told I'm a very kind and generous person, and I've also been told that I'm an excelent human being, I've been old I'm too nice and people have taken advantage of me, but I don't care. I'm considered handsome, a decent ammount of women like me, and many of my girl friends think of me as the guy that will get THE perfect girlfriend. I'm one of those persons that is always happy, smiling, laughing and joking and I have a lot of friends... I love looking at the bright side of life, but I've built a fortress around myself, and I never let myself get too close to anyone, which was working perfectly for me. Needless to say, because of this emotional detachment I've never had a serious relationship. The problem is, I've never actually felt happy. I thought I was happy,
At the beginning of last year I lived abroad for 6 months, where I became very, very close friends with a girl... I ended up falling in love with her near the end of my trip. I had never been in love before, so I got pretty scared. In the end, on the last night, I told her I liked her but I knew we were too far away, she told me that, indeed, we were too far away. She spent the night with me (no sex) and slept on my chest... at one point, she asked me "do you want me?", but I didn't answer. The next day we said goodbye, and after many long and tight hugs she kissed me on the cheek.
I though I was going to forget her soon enough, but it turns out I didn't. We continued to talk very often, and I saw her again a few months ago. This time she was very "cuddly" with me; she started to rest her head on my shoulder, stroke my neck, stroke my hair, asked me to stroke her hair, and her arms... she asked me to hold her hand for a while before she went to sleep the last night before we said goodbye again.
Right after saying goodbye I told her I was in love with her, and she started crying. She texted me later, telling me not to forget her and telling me she was really sad things had to be this way, but distance was too much and she didn't want to hurt me, and I said I understood. After this, she told me some stuff like "I wished you lived closer to me", "you're my guardian angel", and she sent me some love songs. I was in SERIOUS pain, so I wrote a letter telling her all I felt for her, and how I needed her to tell me if she felt something for me. She told me I made her cry with the letter, and that she needed time to write back. We continued talking as usual. Then, out of nowhere, she stopped talking to me.
So here's my problem: I've come to realise that I may never find anyone that makes me feel the way she made me feel; the way she looked at me in the eyes right into my soul, the way she smiled at me, the way she hugged me so tight and for ages, the things she said to me... Even being a nice person, no one's ever treated me this nicely before... She's the only girl I've cared for and called beautiful, because she's the only person I've ever seen as beautiful. And, although I understand, I can't accept the fact that I'm never going to be with her and the fact that she cared about me so little that she just cut me off like that. And now, although I keep up with the fake smiles and "happy guy" act, I'm really sad, bitter and lonely.
How can I move on from the best thing I've felt? How can I get her off my mind? How can I convince myself that I will be happy again? How can I convince myself that I won't be lonely forever? I'm having a really hard time with this, I used to be a stone and now I constantly cry when I think of her.
All help is GREATLY appreciated!
You helped me so let me try and see if I can help you.
This is an EXTREMELY difficult situation..the best advice I can give is don't walk down the street with your head down...look up! See if there's someone else you might have feelings for! Or...you could write another letter once more expressing your love but also expressing your hurt that she has put you through. As a woman, I can tell you that she didn't just stop talking to you because she doesn't care about you. It means she may just care about you TOO much. Distance is a painful thing to be felt, especially when you're in love...she was most likely just trying to stop it before her feelings for you grew even MORE. I can assure you that she thinks of you every day as well.
You sound like an amazing and well loved person. For a while, just try and focus on the people around you that care about you. If that doesn't work and you're still depressed, try the letter. Hope I helped!
Love moves mountains - and that's what you should have done if you really loved this gal.
It became necessary for her to "let you go" because you were not assertive enough with her.
Now you are in pain because of it.
Sorry - but YOU blew it. You should have acted more decisively about the relationship.
Is this a pattern for you? Do you hold back and then wonder why the world has passed you by?
Thank you so much for taking the time to read me and write to me!
I'm glad you found my advice helpful, and I hope it works out! I'm trying to look up, but it's really hard. I had never felt anthing like this before and I actually miss her a lot, even as just one of my best and closest friends... do you really think she would do that because she cares about me? Thank you for your kind words and advice!! It means a lot!
I didn't act more decisively because I was scared.
It hurt me a lot that she would cut me off, because we had such a good friendship and I never meant to ruin it, but I know it is my fault, I know I blew it. It's the most painful part and that's why I'm asking for advice on how to move on, forgive myself and forget this whole thing.
Sometimes it's a pattern for me, I tend to hold back. I try too hard on being nice and polite so I'm too careful when dealing with people and I often miss opportunities. But I have NEVER dwelled on the past. This time I tried much harder than I've ever tried, because I cared more than I've ever cared... And now I just can't get it off my mind, and I can't get her off my mind. There are specific moments that I keep replaying over and over again in my mind, and that had never happenned to me.
How can I let this go and forgive myself? How can I stop thinking of this entire thing and stop thinking of her?
Ask yourself, are you willing to relocate close to her if you can get her?
If the answer is yes, call her up and speak to her. Tell her you want her and that you are willing to relocate anywhere in the world just so that you both can be together. If she feels the same for you, there is no looking back!
If your answer is no, then you have to give yourself time. Time heals the biggest of wounds. Love happens again too. The qualities you loved in her you will find in some person around you some day. You will have to wait patiently for it.
Hi! Thank you for taking the time and trying to help me out!
I was willing to relocate, but obviously I can't juat leave everything behind just to try and hope she feels the same way. I had a plan to go study my master's degree in her country and then try. I didn't tell her, because I didn't want her to feel pressured or to say something she didn't feel. But now she cut me off and stopped talking to me just like that and I know what that means. This hurt a lot, and I thought she would never hurt me... I never meant to ruin our friendship and I miss her. That's why I'm asking for advice on how to move on... I just can't get her off my mind.