Confused and need help!
I will try to make this short...
My wife has to be drunk in order to feel good during sex. She struggles with anxiety and depression. I understand this but it's hard for me to grasp that in order for her to feel (pleasure) with"me, her lover" she has to be drunk. That kind of hurts in a way.
Also during this time she wants to go ALL OUT! I mean I enjoy it but this last time she asked to do something that nearly tore us apart as a couple. She wanted to watch porn. I know some people enjoy doing this but for me it kind of ruined me for a bit and our relationship. She kept trying and trying to get me to watch a porn with her but I didn't. She watched a few. It confuses me because this was something major that really hurt her in the past. While she was drunk she asked me if I was okay with it because I'm sure she knew I was not feeling it. It made me very uncomfortable and I did somewhat communicate that to her. She said she wouldn't if it made me feel bad, but I honestly think she really wants to watch it.
For me personally it created problems, which I communicated to her. The next day she said she wanted to see if I would have watched it and why I watched it. I told her back then it aroused me but now I feel wrong. I don't know how to feel about all this. She truly seemed to want to watch it. I asked her if she would want to watch one while we have sex and she kind of shrugged her shoulders, so I don't really know. I don't want to hinder her desires but still. I kind of feel disgusted.
Hi! First of all, thanks for sharing.
Now, I'm young and completely unaware of situations like yours, but I think you could hear any advice to help you get a better understanding and perspective on your situation. It does seem that there are some issues going on in there. While I understand it makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe you could try and please her by watching a little bit of porn with her... At least give it a shot, and if you don't feel comfortable AFTER trying, then tell her you just don't want that.. but let her see you tried for her.
On the other hand, I would advise you to help your wife get some help on her anxiety and depression; maybe a marriage counselor to help you both as a couple get to the bottom as to why she needs alcohol to enjoy sex and what other ways you could improve your intimacy.
Best of luck!
BBoy, I spent a few years together with a wonderful woman but she too associated alcohol with sex and it disgusted me. She needed sex to help her unwind and relieve stress but she also needed alcohol to relax which she couldn't control. She ended up in medical care because of her drinking and her depression. Her depression was from years ago where she was hurt by her marriage breakdown and she still hadn't dealt with the fallout. As well as having a bedroom reeking of alcohol, she was in her own little world when she was drunk and quite often she wouldn't remember a thing the next day.
How can you maintain a normal loving relationship under these circumstances?..you can't, is the simple answer. I walked away because she couldn't control her drinking and the fact that she had lost the need for intimacy and replaced it with alcohol and sex. I felt degraded because I wasn't 'there', rather, I was just someone helping her fulfill a need.
I encouraged her, until I was blue in the face, to seek professional help for her depression but she couldn't 'see' it and I learned the lesson that only she could help herself and that I couldn't.
Your wife needs professional help for her anxiety and depression where all her issues seem to stem from. From personal experience, you will also need some assistance to help you cope with it all.
Hello Guys thank you for the advise.
I truly take it to the heart.
I hear how Manalone you mentioned until you were blue in the face...well I'm the same. I love her and want the best but also like you said I need help as we'll cause it is hard!
I have opened up more with her on our sex lives but porn how I see it and from personal experience, leads to a lot more issues. I know she might be excited and wants to try new things but the "benefit" is far from the problems from porn. We as a couple were a prime example...families fall apart. Plus she is drunk...that wears off after a while and then what?! I'm not drunk and I know she's excited looking at other men. I admit my wife checking out other men does strike a nerve.
Idk thanks guys.
May be your wife likes sex to be a little kinky? Speak to her and see what her fantasies are. She requires alcohol and porn probably coz the sex you both are having is not matching her requirement? If this is the case, please understand its not you who she is trying to evaluate or degrade. She is only trying to help herself enjoy. So if you don't want alcohol and porn speak to her, understand her desires and try to incorporate that if possible.
Yes that was a major concern for me and she had a hard time thinking of what she wanted. Now at the time she was very excited when all this was going on so, can it be a moment kind of thing? I don't know...
To be honest when we first got together, after awhile I watched porn and tried all the crap they showed. I was very selfish and thought I was doing it for her when really it was for me. Now I do tons of sexual things in which I make sure she is well pleased before I am. I hear what you are saying and maybe just getting her to orgasm every single time is not the answer... She does every single time...believe me I make sure of it. I have and will try to meet her desires but idk about the porn.
I do have to admit although she may not be evaluating me or degrading me, it still hurts that I feel I wish I can meet those needs that she wouldn't need something like porn.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.