Confuse about how to move ahead
Hi, this is my first post ever and id love to hear your advice.Im sharing my story with few details and backgrounds to understand our situation better.
My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs now ( yesterday was our anniversary) and living together for more then a year.Our problem is, we cannot agree on where to settle after marriage. I am an only child and was brought up by my mother alone.So if we are getting married,i want my mother to live with us.She has a government job and can take care of herself financially but later when shes old i want to take care of her. My boyfriend has 3 siblings the eldest guy already got married and has two kids, lives fews blocks away from the parents.He is not very mature and not helpful to the family at all.Theres one sister living with the parents,unmarried, and the youngest sister is living with us. After marriage my bf wants to live with his parents and settle there.We are from a different cultural background and the place where he grew up is a very small town, not easy to get job there.
I respect his plans and i dont wanna force him into doing anything which is against his heart.But in our case, for me i got no one else to take care of my mom for me and for him,he has other siblings too,plus both the parents have each other.I dont know whether i sound selfish or not but whenever we talk about marriage, he doesnt seems to put my mom into consideration.my suggestion is to settle in a city where we both can work and earn and support his family financially,and at the same time my mom can live with us.But that doesnt interest him at all.If his only option is living with his parents,then we have no future at all.This gave me insecurities and make me question his love.Sometimes we would just suggest that wel go our separate ways with mutual understanding but that is so hard as we both are still in love with each other.
I really love him and i cannot picture myself with any other person but our problem is tearing me inside cos i believe that if he truly loves me he would find a way.I dont know what to do.Should i just pack my bags and leave him? I dont wanna be the one to give up first but i dont have much choic here.
You two need to leave the nest!! That's how it's supposed to be.
So . . . get Mom settled in an apartment near you, but not WITH you.
Find a home near his parents, but not WITH them.
You two need to start your OWN life. You can still honor and love your parents, but you must become an independent family of your own.
PS - Is this living with parents a cultural thing? Perhaps I don't understand why newly married people with jobs should live with parents.
Yea its a cultural thing,im from Asia,not everyone follow it though, kinda diffrent from the western style.I wish it was as easy as u mentioned... Thnx for the input.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is to compromise. Give a little, get a little.
You clearly are the only person to help care for your mother. So you need her to live with you.
He wants to be near his family too.
Why don't you agree to live near his family, on the condition that your mother must come with you?
I understand it might mean finding a job a bit father away and driving a little bit more.
But if you truly love each other, then him sacrificing a bit of house space and you sacrificing a bit of gas shouldn't be too big an issue.
Hope this helps.