I want to foster sisters children
My sisters children were removed by cps a few weeks ago.They are in emergency care still.I want to take them in my husband does not.I don't know if my marriage will survive this.My sister has always been a problem and he don't want to help her she has ruined my moms life already.As far as any kind of family placement we would be the only chance .we could do it and give them a life if only my husband was on board.I have no children and am 45 my husband is 53 and has 2 adult boys.I can't get over the resentment I feel towards him.help me!
You're in the throes of panic, meaning you won't be thinking as expansively as normal. Question: do you think your marriage will survive the addition of two children not your own after enough time having passed wherein he (and you) had become reconciled to being childless?
What if he were to walk out? How would you cope with being a single mum to two kids who'll naturally be issue-ridden and behaving accordingly?
Saying that, however, these children are not your sister. They're individuals in their own right (and victims, evidently). So I don't think now is the time for your husband to be 'batting back' at sister-in-law through hitting her where it hurts most. Or is it YOU he's batting back at?
What about a compromise whereby the kids are fostered and you get regular, extensive, weekly contact? Is that possible? Have you explored this option with CPS? I mean, you say you would be the only chance. WHY would you?
Also, why did you and he never have kids of your own?
I am so sorry to hear about your sister's children being in emergency care. There are many things to consider and based on what you have said yourself and your husband are the only family members. I am not sure if this means that there are no other family members OR if there are other family members but they are not willing nor are they in a position to offer these children the same level of care that you can.
If there are other family members you can ask Children's Services to convene a Family Group Conference. This is like a family group meeting, not just family but could also involve close friends of your sisters that may also be willing to take them in. The Family Group Coordinator, leads this meeting and will get all the necessary people at one venue to discuss the future of how the children's needs can be met from the support of other family members. If this is an option (meaning that there are other family/friends) then this would mean you could choose how involved you wish to be and maybe your role may be to offer respite- every weekend while they are actually living full-time with another family member.
Are you certain that the children will not be returned to your sisters care? Were they subject to a Child Protection Plan previously? Has the Local Authority informed your sister or yourself that they are going to initiate Court proceedings to seek and Interim Care Order? If they have done this and you wish to have a say in regards to the outcome of these children, then my advice would be for you to get your own solicitor so that you can become a party to the proceedings right before they start. This will give you a lot of power and keep you informed of EVERYTHING.
Before the LA can make a final decision- which would be a Full Care Order- there are a lot of assessments of your sister that need to take place. I am not sure of the details of why the children have been removed but a parenting assessment, psychological assessment and/or psychiatric assessments may be a part of it.
Has anyone said to you that there is a possibility of reunification? If drugs or alcohol is involved, if your sister is willing to actively participate in the relevant programs and parenting classes within the children's' timescales this may be an option. This is why it is so important that if the LA is going to court that you become a party to the proceedings, so you will have access to every document, every assessment that is being presented. Children's Services will communicate with you directly once you are party to the proceedings.
The children will not remain in emergency care for long, if there is no family member to step forward they will go into Foster Care. In the interim you can request regularly scheduled contact and this should be agreed as long as every adult in your household has a positive police check.
This is not an easy decision to make and I am not sure of how old the children are but they must be very confused and frightened of their future and having some family contact is better than none at all.
Ultimately, Foster Care is not easy for children. Most children are resilient but some take very long to settle and depending on the environments that they have left, challenging behavior can be present and it may take a few attempts to get them placed with the right Foster Carer.
If the LA receives a Full Care Order then your options in having ongoing contact could be significantly reduced, if it is not part of the Final Care Plan. Usually if the final care plan is long term fostering, with no return to birth family, contact with biological family is reduced significantly in order to promote them settling in the placement. Once again another reason to become party to the proceedings from the beginning.
You are their Aunt and that is an important relationship but you also have the relationship with your husband. The emotional response is to come to their rescue which is fine but you need to be clear as to the consequences of your decision. If you don't take them in, you mention the resentment you will feel towards your partner. It sounds like your partner is not trying to 'spite' the children but he has witnessed first hand the pain your sister has caused within the family unit in the past.
If you do have custody of the children you would be expected to manage the contact between them and their mother, in the future. The frequency of this contact would vary and be determined in the final Care Plan (via the Court proceedings). There is no way around this contact, either face to face or letter box would have to be promoted. Maybe your partner is more concerned about how entrenched your sister may become in your lives due to the children being in your care.
Another thing to consider is if there has been any abuse, neglect or trauma and how the children have been impacted by their mother's care. This will have to be managed by you and your partner and this is something to also consider.
I wish you the best and hope that you and your partner can come to some type of alignment about the key issues in regards to what the children need and whether or not you are both able to provide it. It is not just financial, there will be a large emotional component. The decision has be made in their best interest and based on their past experiences they will need a loving home where they feel welcomed by BOTH of the responsible adults in their lives. The vibe has got to be positive because they will need it in order to feel a sense of stability.
Make a list of what is important to YOU about caring for these children. Put pen to paper. Then share it with your husband and be honest about your feelings and your fear of what will happen if the decision is not in their favor. Get to HEART of his concerns.
My sister has caused a lot of heart ache in our family.she has been with the no good father of these children for 19 years they also have a18 year old .The niece and nephew that were taken by cps are 7 and 8.For years they have bounced back and forth in and out of my moms home.My mom take tgem in cause of the children .my sister needs to get rid of the toxic boyfriend .Meth was involved by both parents also domestic violence by both at different times.Neither parent has ever held a real job.Over time they have emotionally and financially drained my mom.Have no respect for her and have destroyed her house when they are there.I want the children to have a better life.I don't know maybe my sister will get it together.but, she the boyfriend says jump she does and he's not a good person.I never had children because it never happened and when I met my husband he had already had a vasectomy. My husbands ex-wife is mentally ill so my 1 stepson lived with us from the age of 13-20.he is also mildly mentally impaired so we still somewhat care for him even though he's on his own. I also somewhat care for a disabled brother with ataxia and my husbands 91 year old mother.my husband thinks we do enough for people.I feel as though we dont take temporary custody .I'll lose the children forever.I have been going to the courts with my sister to try to be informed but you get a different story from everyone and they dont call back.I have left messages with 3 different people and stopped by the office .never the right person there to talk to.I asked about see in the children.they said the focus is on the family seeing them right now but its been almost a month and my sisters only seen them once and my mom has not got to see them either.my husbands attitude of I to get over it is killing me .I'm normally a very strong person I make everything better cause I hate to see pain in others.I'm going to try to seek professional help today.Thanks for any comments given.
You certainly have your hands full with all that you do for other people. I am sure the officials know that you are an interested family member. Perhaps they want the children to go to a neutral setting and get stabilized.
Why don't you come up with a plan where you could see the children as often as you want if they were placed with a foster family? This would allow you to be a great aunt and family contact, while at the same time not be responsible for the day to day upbringing and housing of the children.
Does your marriage come first? If it does then you will find a way to stay involved with the kids and not overload your marriage.
If by professional help you mean a family law solicitor - good idea!