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Online Dating advice I met a guy from a on line dating site. It was instant attraction for me. I see he still visits the site. Ive met him six times now, we have slepted together. Should he still used the site because he told me he likes me and saying he misses me. I dont think he should be on it if what he says is true. I was with him yesterday I checked the site and he had been on it that night. Am I getting used? I told him I want more then sex and he wants the same.

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Yes, you are being used. His actions are speaking. Follow your instinct here because it's already talking to you when you state "I don't think he should be on it if what he says is true."

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Agree 100%. He's using you for regular sex to stop his phee-phoos aching whilst he continues (that much more relaxedly than were he sh*g-less) his search for someone he deems more suitable/more his type.

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So . . . did you ASK him why he's still on that site trying to hook up with girls when you are right there?

I suspect he likes the "chase" and excitement of seducing women.

He has caught you yet still continues his predatory actions.

Is he capable of an exclusive relationship? I hope you are safeguarding your health after being with this guy and he's out there with other women.

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He told me he visits the site to kill some time and he chats to women who live far away like Scotland about everyday stuff. He says he doesn't have anyone else and I asked to put a bite mark on his neck as that would show me he wasnt seeing anyone else and he wouldn't let me. He gave no reason why
He said he had a relationship for a year with a girl and if he tells other women he as saw how he feels they dont want to know so he doesnt bother now and it doesn't get him anywhere
He is aged 41





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Can't he chat to YOU about everyday stuff? Or his work colleagues? Or strangers on pure chat forums? He can only find people willing to talk to him on DATING sites?

I really believe him (er-duh-er-duh-er-duh), don't you?

A love-bite where it would be visible only to anyone getting intimate with him or where even work colleagues might see it?

"He said he had a relationship for a year with a girl and if he tells other women he as saw how he feels they dont want to know so he doesnt bother now and it doesn't get him anywhere"

Pardon?

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He doesnt work but is looking and yes he doesnt have to he on a dating site to chat
I thought by giving him a love bite it would prove to me he wasnt seeing anyone else behind my back but as he didn't want one it proves he must be. He as mentioned to women he as met in the past how he as felt by telling them he loves them and they were not interested, either because he said it to soon or they didn't want that so he said he doesn't bother now.

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Assuming you weren't intending to place the love-bite where it would be obvious to all and sundry, meaning it couldn't have actually caused him any problems in any way - yes, I agree, it does go some way to suggesting he's seeing others. That or he's just not willing to give you whatever even small thing you personally would find reassuring.

He's clearly not a team player; he's out for himself and thinks he can get up-close and snuggly whilst wearing a ruddy great suit of armour (er, NYO). You can't make a relationship work with someone like that. Anyway, since when did armour look good on a chicken? ;-p

"Neeext!...".

Either give a guy a more befittingly thorough test-drive before you commit the most intimate and bonding act there is (for one who's open to it in the first place, I should swiftly add), or vow not to ever let having had sex change how you view the test-drive procedure, a la: "So what - we've had sex. Doesn't change a thing, you still have to prove yourself worthy of me (especially considering most of the relationship will be conducted OUTSIDE of the bedroom). This is a corner-cutting-free zone, mush" (- addition of 'mush' optional, LOL).

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I told him to not go on the dating site and talk to me instead. he said whats wrong with having female friends and they live far away anyway. He as been in touch with two for 8 months and said its nice to know people around the country who he can go and stay with if you go on holiday. He let me give him a love bite but he wouldn't let me do it again the second time. He gave no reason why. I told him it was my birthday in a couple of days time, I didn't get a text to wish me one
He said I didn't tell him what day it was but I had and he didn't still say happy birthday. Am I wasting my time with him? He told me he isnt interested in another woman but when im with him his phone is going quite alot and he said its family and friends. It was near 12 at night and he was getting texts. According to him it was his sister.

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Sorry but you don't need to be on a dating website to have "friends"

Hmmm he sounds a bit dodgy to me.

Also these friends he met on a dating site must have been prospective dates at one point as that's how he started talking to them? That in itself isn't necessarily a massive issue but for me it would be alarm bells.

It's clearly making you feel insecure and you have told him how you feel about it. I don't think you are being unreasonable and even if he is innocent, if he wants to make a relationship with you I don't think giving up being on a dating website is a big think to ask.

That fact that he won't speaks volumes to me. If it were me I would move on.

I've been dating online for the past 18 months so I've experienced all this type of thing !

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I know he said they live far away so I assumed he hasnt met them unless hes lying and they live closer and he as. He told me he talks about every day stuff to them but like you said you dont need to be on a dating sweb site to have friends. I really like him so dont really want to say goodbye to him. I did say if he doesnt close it down he wont see me again and he said ok, meaning hes fine to not see me. He as said to trust him and i always think he is seeing other women. He as said he even loves me but I think its lust as you cant love someone after only meeting a couple of times. How do I trust him.

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Let's for the sake of this argument assume he really believes he IS only talking to them and indeed HASN'T met them. It's still a symptom of his not being ready to settle down into a steady relationship, because - look:

1. It shows he's mentally lazy/apathetic. Rather than go to the trouble of registering with a friend-finding site, he's trying to use the dating site he (I presume?) met you on to cater to his loneliness and boredom. Relationships take increasingly hard mental work, not apathy.

2. Who presumes they're going to have TIME for casual new friendships, anyway, if they're falling in love with a woman they've only recently met (hence have slept with her AND told her they love her)? Again, why not talk to YOU?

3. A man with serious intentions to go steady would be dead-set on finding a job so as to feel eligible, impressive and worthy (i.e. manly), thus putting his heart and soul into the exercise, NOT wasting precious time by chatting to females whom, according to him, he'll never likely meet. Why isn't he using sites like Linked-In and/or spending all his time scouring the newspaper job sections, applying and preparing for and going on interviews, including signing on with temporary and permanent agencies? Finding a job is a full-time job in itself (IF you're serious).

4. If he's such good "friends" with these other, remotely-situated women, why haven't they long before now shifted their corresponding onto PRIVATE EMAIL?

5. On the assumption the dating site has this common feature: by using this dating site, his profile is seen by all female seekers as ACTIVE which naturally gives the impression he's available and looking and receptive to winks and messages. Why would he even want to put himself in the WAY of such temptation if he'd already found someone who ticked all the boxes?

6. He's in contact with them so COULD meet them at any point.

7. Why, if they're so innocent, can't he say to you, 'Look, I'll SHOW you there's nothing sinister going on here' and open these women's profiles one by one so that you can see for YOURSELF that they live too remote from him to be of any threat to you/your relationship with him? That would be so damn easy to do, wouldn't it? (You'd think!) So why is it easier in his mind to keep you constantly nervous, negative, conflicted and unsure about proceeding any further with him? The answer's obvious, isn't it. He has no inclination to protect you/your relationship and all the inclination in the world to protect his ongoing contact with these other women. Great - so strangers he's barely likely to ever meet mean more to him than you! And now he's actually confirmed this in his statement to you, WHEREAS a man who loves you doesn't risk losing you to that highly likely degree. And a man with an iota of emotional intelligence does not expect a woman to trust him without that trust having been earned by him and, worse in this case, despite he's meantime merrily behaving THE OPPOSITE of trustworthy and refuses point-blank to cease.

Yes, he's fine about not ever seeing you again, certainly if it means he doesn't have to give up getting his own way over yours despite yours is the worthy and reasonable way. So that's all you need to know, surely.

Loves you, my arse. Loves himself, more like (or TRYING to, anyway, and thinking that stems from selfishness and self-absorption in the form of feeding his pathetically shrivelled ego with attention and flattery from as many women as possible).

AND YOU 'REALLY LIKE' THAT? Do you? You like a man whom in terms of the long, sort and curlies has responded to your request for a show of PROOF of alleged keenness and respect, with basically, "No, Shut-up and get self-deluding or take a hike"? HOW IS THAT LOVEABLE? HOW IS THAT NOT A CLEAR-CUT CASE IN YOUR MIND OF THIS MAN DOESN'T GIVE TWO HOOTS ABOUT ME?

Or do you (your ego) just like the challenge of trying to coax or even nag a man (boy!) who isn't in love with you into being in love with you and behaving accordingly because you can't get your head around why you wouldn't be lighting his candle?

Don't take it personally. Because the answer's simple and bears no reflection on you anyway: IT'S BECAUSE HE HAS NO WICK. Simples! You could be Angelina Jolie for all he cared. He has no wick. He's just a lump of useless wax. Or, looking at his so-called efforts to find a job - a drip!

Now prove you're lovable and respectable by showing YOURSELF love and respect. If a female friend who'd explicitly led you into believing she wanted to be exclusive best friends was meanwhile seeing other friends behind your back whilst failing to invite YOU along then denying it all by telling you to just trust her and that she was only seeing them for want of nothing better to do DESPITE YOU'D ALWAYS BEEN AVAILABLE AT THE TIME, you'd (I presume?) drop her like the lying piece of sh*t she was. So what's the difference here?

Whilst you're focused on this Twatus Maximus here, your eyes are not going to be open to spotting your Mr Right or spotting his spotting you. Neither are you going to feel receptive should be attempt an advance.

Nice guys are FAR more exciting than bad boys because nice guys willingly invite you to go with them into psychological territories bursting with thrills and wonderments you never even dreamed existed.

Show a bit of courage and self-belief: Big breath...One-two-three-DUMP THE DUD!

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You are so right about this worthless piece of crap of a man who isn't worth my time. You have opened my eyes to what a loser he is and shown me im worth more then this. I won't he seeing him again and will never be so foolish in future.

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That's more like it - gimmie a self-respecting High Five! :-)

And with a newly calibrated attitude like that, one or more of your Mr Rights is/are getting expedited by Fate towards your path AS WE SPEAK!

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And NO JOB??

There's a red light you missed, too.

No wonder he has all this computer time available.

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I just cant get him out of my head. Why couldn't he of been a nice man who was honest and
why didnt he just want me and not just for sex. he told me he wanted more then that himself. I really believed him, he seemed so genuine. Its the thought that he used me that I cant get over. I never seem to meet men who want me other then sex. I dont dress tarty or talk about sex when I meet a guy so why cant I attract ones who want me for me? I dress nice but casuall, I put make up on get my hair done regularly what am I doing wrong. Im nice looking but dont stand out in a crowd.

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Why? Because he's been taught that the way to get your way all of the time is by cheating and lying. Either his parents tucked him up or just life in combination with his being THICK and coming to stupid conclusions over how to react to and counter it all.

So of COURSE he told you what he knew you needed to hear in order to sleep with him. Imagine if he'd told you how it actually was? Nuff said.

So the lesson here is to never EVER take words alone as if they're complete actions (and only a completed action counts as one). I'm sure I could convince you that tomorrow I was going sky diving. Does that mean it's true? Not until you see me falling through the air or get some other proof that I'm in hospital with a broken leg, it doesn't.

Eliza Doolittle got it right: "Don't tell me - SHOW me!". Always wait for evidence. Or if evidence just isn't possible, HOLD YOUR HEART BACK as you allow yourself simply to be SEEN to believe what you're being told. Being a great actor for the purposes of initial self-protection is okay. Being one for the purposes of conning another, thereby removing their own rightful ability to self-protect, is NOT.

If you can't keep your heart out of the bed, don't get into the bed until your heart has guarantees that it's safe to join in. Simples!

He hasn't used you, he's used himself and dragged you into that exercise because misery likes company and needs an accomplice, willing or not. Think about it. You tell ME how he's harming only himself.

You're just gullible and too ready to trust over and above the standard, automatically-available and donate-able portion, that's all. So he's done you a favour, hasn't he. He's taught you that you should love and take better care of yourself using LONG-term measures rather than instantly gratifying ones. Saying that, if (not if, WHEN) you cross paths one day with your male counterpart - you with a willy - NEITHER of you will be label-able as over-trusting and -gullible and neither of you will be in any danger if and when you do just that.

Leave this guy to find his own counterpart. Someone who likewise is out for their own interests and sod anyone else's feelings. You SEE what calibre of relationship they'll get to (hah!) enjoy. You, meanwhile, will be blissfully happy with your own, much better bird-of-a-feather.

YOU WIN. Amen.

Meanwhile, TIME and life going on and creating new, overlaying diversions and memories will get him out of your head. All you have to do is accept the grief (major disappointment) and grit your teeth less and less each day for a couple of months at most. There's always a reward at the end of that exercise, as well. Always. Try to keep focused on that.

In future - TIP: A man who wants you long-term doesn't usually WANT to risk spoiling things by sleeping with you too soon. The idea of getting to have sex with you pales in appeal when compared to the thought of things going wrong due to it and losing that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. However, he does have to be an emotionally mature man to want long-term to begin with.

Furthermore, a nice man is usually nice because he's happy. And genuinely happy men are not lazy men who think they can do all the hunting, chasing, wooing work through just a couple of clicks of a mouse button. Fine if he's on there purely because he's TOO BUSY (demanding job) to go cruising for a mate the proper way. But otherwise, beware. Proceed with greater caution than normal.

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DON'T go OTT with the caution and suspicion, though, or you'll basically end up like HIM (ew, indeed). Just turn the dial up a few notches, or better yet, one notch at a time until you see the desired results come back. And then, don't make the mistake of supergluing the dial in place, because there will be other situations where you'll need to adjust it one notch higher or lower again.

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I know all the advice I have been given as been good but I did something stupid. The date site were I met him I went back on it and sent him a message to say he as the same interest as me, he responded with, we dont have the same interest and declined my contact. I sent him a second message saying hes hot he responded with, we dont have the same interest and declined my contract. I feel such a fool because he now knows I still like him and want to be in touch with him. He sent me a text last Saturday to wish me goodnight I responded then didn't hear anything not one text the next day so I sent him one saying goodbye hope he loves her and thanks for the sex. I said hope he loves her as I always think he had someone else or others and I said he was a mummys boy.
He replied saying he did send me a text and he is always the first to send them. I said I had the proof he didn't send it anyway I had left some keys at his house well his mums house he lives with and he said to if I wanted them to get them soon because he was moving out got his own place. I replied he was a liar and he said to jog on. I got my keys he just gave them to me no words I said goodbye and thats when I went on the site the next day and sent him the message. I know he couldn't of got his own place because when I last saw him he said he would have to get somewhere then three days later he said he had somewere. Think he lied because I called him a mummys boy. Arent I a fool for lowering myself by going on the site. I feel like writing a letter to his mother to let her know what a worthless piece of crap he is and saying about him living at home at his age and that I had been to her house without her knowing six times because her son treats her house as his own and didnt care he bought me back there. He said his mother didn't like strangers in the house. Should I or shouldn't I send it. I want to get my own back because he thinks hes someone special when all he does is use women and lies.

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Please can you answer this soulmate and susiedq

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You don't NEED to get your own back. LIFE will teach him a lesson. That's how it works.

I'm not sure about whether you're a fool, but it does seem you have trouble dropping things and failing to cease banging your head against a brick wall. Had you ceased when all the signs said to, you wouldn't have put yourself bang-slap in the way of humiliation. Saying that, you're never going to see hide nor hair of him again so who cares WHAT he thinks - of himself OR you? It makes no difference to you any more.

Your ego is just bruised. Accept that you've dodged a bullet, and that he's an immature little tw*t. That's all there is TO this. He knows how to have sex but that's about it, his bodily development is WAY ahead of his emotional maturity. May as well let a toddler loose in a Bugatti :-p. Leave him alone to crash. It's inevitable. He'll probably get an horrible STD next time.

Meanwhile, be excessively grateful that you got to make these mistakes and thereby learn never to repeat them, on this CHILD, rather than with a person whom you're REALLY going to be crazy over and who'll be crazy over you. So think of this idiot as a test run. He was your crash test dummy. Literally.

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Soulmate I reported him to the dating website saying he was being abusive to me on there. He wont know I reported him. Think he had been on there awhile so wont like it that he got removed. he can sign up again and use it if he wanted to
Feel I got him back now even if it was childish of me.

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Not only was it childishly, pettily vindictive, but it was control-freakish, as well. Imagine if he'd been headed for getting contacted by some herpes-ridden female, as his just desserts courtesy of life's serving spoon? With that action of yours, for all you know you've just blocked the lesson he'd have never forgotten, called, don't sleep with women you barely know (particularly under false pretenses).

Not only that, he had NOT been abusive towards you. Not in the sense meant by the forums. He merely rejected you in an insensitive and unkind way (because it was YOUR job to say no to the premature sex regardless of what blah-blah-blahs you were being fed). So it was a lie - for the power of your self-interest. So now YOU'VE committed a move that warrants Fate's punishment.

Whoopsie daisy.

Never heard of rising above it? Taking the high road? The Beatles' 'Let It Be?'.

If you want only special men in your life, Betsy, first you have to BE special. Because Like attracts Like. That's how it works. (And believe me, it does.)

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Yes I should of let it be , just wanted to show the prick that I wasnt going to get walked over. Anyway im sure he will sign up again so no harm done.

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ROFL!!!

You're alright, you are. ;-)

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He went back on the dating site under a different name. I dont know if he knew it was me who got him took of it and it made me laugh because on his new account he put, this sad web site got me taken off
Here. So why did he go back on it again and I knew it was because he was intouch with some women he as been in touched with for awhile on there. I met him again because he messaged me on there and sayid when were we going to meet again. We slepted together and he said, until the next time and he hadnt got in touch for over a week
I went on the dating site and he was on and asked me how I was. I told him why didn't he text me and he said I never text him and said he did have feelings for me and if he didn't why was he chatting to me on the site. I knew he was talking bull shit and told him if he felt anything he would try and make a go of it and I hope he as fun chatting and meeting women and said goodbye to him
He hasnt been on the site for three days and I took him out of my contacts list on the site. Anyway im not bothered about him anymore. I joined a pen friends site and im emailing a solider who wants me to send a email to get him out of the army for three months
He said we can get to know each other. We have been emailing for about a month. The thing is he is supposed to be in Afghanistan but the news said they are all out of there so why would I need to get him out if they are not there. He said they still are and the news is wrong. I told him I dont want to give out my details in a email and is he using me in someway. He said why would he and he loves the army
Can I trust him? He sent me pictures of him in uniform and he seems genuine but I suppose anyone can pretend cant they. He puts in his emails that he thinks of me, sends his kisses and he put, I love you and he cant wait to put his arms around me. Do I keep intouch and is he lying to me who he is?







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Woah! BRA-VO!!! Nice one for having sent Mr My-B*lls-Ache-Again away with his tail between his legs. He'll have to do what ALL people who operate with their heads in the clouds tend to do, won't he, and - paws to manual, LOL.

And - ref having seen through this soldier's trying-it-on exercise: bloody Nora - you're a fast learner, aren't you? Have a big fat Gold Star, missus!!! Did you stumble across a pair of x-ray specs last week or something? LOL

Let's have a laugh about (cough!) soldier-boy's glaring contradictions, anyway, shall we? So... he loves the army and, er, that's why he wants to dupe it, yes?

And what's this about you having to give out your details in an email? What SORT of details?

Is this REALLY some soldier or is it Winston Mgubu and the rest of his scam-outfit colleagues from Nigeria, each taking it turns in shifts to chat to you over a 'rusty' old PC like some new instantly-besotted lover (despite never having even met you in the flesh in that all-too-short month!) whilst underneath it all simply trying, whether in one hit or in bits, to collect enough information on you to commit identify theft and suck dry your bank account?

Here, send him a photo of The Queen and go, 'This is me. Soooo...what do you think?' :-D

However, Betsy... Completely radical idea, I know, but.. Have you never thought of meeting a bloke in say, oooh I don't know... a BAR OR CLUB??

Well, anyway, you were right to take everything with a giant pinch of salt and recognise non-genuine when you saw it so - WELL DONE, and keep keeping those sassier eyes peeled. :-)


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Oh, yes, and - about Private Mgubu: Bet you anything you like that had you sent whatever message it was he reckoned he needed for said so-called leave permission, the NEXT thing he'd have been telling you was that he, whoops-oversight, didn't have enough money in his bank account to afford the flight home so could you, "luvlee-luvlee lay-DEE dat I lov SOO mudge and cann not WET to see, oh, yez", possibly wire him £XXX for said flight and other travel expenses.

I've changed my mind: send him a picture of Hannibal Lector instead, LOL, including asking him if, on the night he lands, he wants one helping of Fava Beans or two ("th-th-th-th-thhh!").

;-)

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