Am I Confused Or Is He?
on Oct 9 2014 at 02:49
Help! I don't know what to do. My best friend and I are really close. We are, by most standards, more than just friends. As he puts it, we are "best friends that cuddle and are really close." He holds me, he does things for me, he always breaks the touch barrier, he flirts, he's kissed me "just because it felt like a good thing to do," I've kissed him and he just beams and smiles, we talk constantly every day all day, we hang out all the time, he's involved me in his family, and so on. He tells me he learned to "find happiness in [himself], and [he] wouldn't have done that if [he] hadn't met [me]." He's told me I give him confidence in himself and in his life, that I make him want to be a better person, and that he would do anything for me. But when we start getting close and it starts to look like a real relationship, he suddenly tries to push me away and starts making references to me dating other guys (I'm not) and him dating other girls (he's not). He has a super hard time connecting to people and opening up, both things he's been able to do constantly and deeply with me. He has even told me things about his life that break him to the core, things he hasn't told anyone other than his dad, and says that because of me he's able to deal with deep-seeded issues he's been avoiding for years. He's told me he wants me in his life forever and that he doesn't want to ever lose me or do anything to hurt me. He knows I'm into him. Everything about what he says and does says that he's into me, from his body language to the invitations to cuddle to the fact that he uses "we" instead of "you and I" for everything ("we should park your car over there," for example- something so simple) to inviting me into the most private parts of his life. We've become more and more like boyfriend and girlfriend, and today he's saying things to push me away from that. His mom was the closest relationship he ever had, and she died when he was in his early 20s, something that devastated him and made it extremely scary for him to want to get attached to anyone now, which is why he hasn't been in a relationship since he was with the girlfriend he was with when his mom was still alive, a relationship that ended almost a decade ago. He doesn't open himself up to anyone, but he does to me. I know he's into me and wants more, and I have a lot of patience, but I am so tired of the back and forth. What do I do?
on Oct 9 2014 at 06:51
IMO he's really in love with you and you two are practically a couple -- he just refuses to label it as such. Perhaps you could try putting a little distance between you and him to see what he does? A little push and pull strategy never hurts every now and then. He really does seem to have issues with intimacy and I'm afraid only he will be able to tell when he's truly ready for an actual relationship. With that said, putting some distance between the two of you might just be the kind of nudge he needs to take your relationship to the next step.
on Oct 9 2014 at 13:41
If this guy is in his mid or late 20's he is now able to get out of himself and think about the future. He seems to need a LOT of attention. Can he really give attention to you, like you need it?
Feeling like you do, and if you want, you can now ask him to let you know where you two are in terms of relationship. Otherwise, you allow him to continue on his terms, making you hang on, not knowing what's up.
His remark about you dating other guys and him dating other girls is either a tease (he wants YOU to state the conditions of the relationship) OR it's his way of always having an "out" in case another girl comes along.
Maybe you need to look at that inability for him to "connect to other people."
Make sure he's not so into himself that he can't connect with you and make a commitment. (Is he a Peter Pan guy?)
I agree with John - put a little distance between you and him. Don't be there for him all the time. See what he does. Let him know he needs to let you know how he really feels. Make HIM work on the relationship. It sounds like you have been the one doing all the relationship building.
on Oct 10 2014 at 08:27
you mentioned that he z you should start looking for another bf n he too with a girlfriend.... to me i feel its a indication of him testing you to see if you would leave him or not just like how his mother had left him in a way he had no control of; hence why he is the way he is with the with letting you in and then trying to shut you out.... beCause he couldnt control or stop his mother from leaving; he's got his guard up towards you incase you do the same for eg: you get sick of him n up n leave him knowing he wont be able to stop you even if he wanted you to stay.
Because of how he is now, you said it all began when his mother past away. The most nicest thing you can ever do is take him to his mother, ask him what she was like and let him express all the feelings out.
I feel if his mothers tragedy was the key to locking himself from the world then a visit to his mothers grave is probably the key to unlocking the real him.
it takes alot of patience and youve come thus far to knowing him at a personal level n know that it was a real big step for him to let you know these personal feelings....why walk out now when hes struggling to regain who he use to be, your halfway there and you know it.
Hes aware that youve been there for him and sounds like hes slowly letting go of his mother but certain things must remind him why he pulls back, if you decide to stand by him through his darkest days then keep reminding him that your not going anywhere, eventually he won't feel the need to push you away cause you have been his day 1 from the moment yous met.
on Oct 11 2014 at 20:52
I want to let him know that I'll always be there for him and that I'm not going anywhere, but I'm also worried about pushing him away if I come on too strong. He wants to find the woman who will be his wife and mother to his children - he's not looking for casual dating/relationships at all. He knows I got out of a long-term relationship about a year and a half ago, so I think he also thinks I am not looking for something serious, even though I want to be serious with him.
How do I balance between giving him space and showing him I'm sticking by his side?