Dating or taking care of my sick mom
Hello, I would like some people to give me their opinion on this situation. I've been close with my mom for years. We have a great mother-daughter relationship. She turned ill when I was 18 due to some health conditions. I've always been there for her. I am 31 now and she is still going through bad times with her health. This sickness has had ups and downs, so not everyday for the last 13 years have been bad but the last 2 years up to today have been horrible. I was single and really liked this guy I met back in February. He worked 7 days a week and we only saw each other on sundays for a few hours. I thought this would work out great because I could take care of my mom but still develop a relationship with this guy on sundays and see where it goes. Well, I didnt realize he works jobs. So this job/project was over in May (2-3 months into our relationship) and he called off on unemployment for a few months. He is a pipefitter so he works a job then when its completed he goes to another site to work and so on and so on. Well, with his trade, he is allowed to take unemployment. So when he was off for a few months, he wanted to see me a lot. I swear if he had his way, he would see me everyday. I want to see him too b/c I developed a lot of feelings for him. I fell in love. I was happy. However, I was lost because I had to figure out how to keep my relationship at home while also taking care of my mom which was a non-stop process. She needs constant care some days. Some days I left to be with my boyfriend when she fell and hurt herself while I was gone. I spent the night with him aboutone night a week and she was left alone. I never left when I knew she was REALLY sick but I still left on some days. I tried to balance it out by seeing my boyfriend for 3 hours wednesday nights, from 6pm friday night to overight saturday morning, and a good majority of the day on sundays. Every other day I'm with my mom or working.
My mom is upset with me for dating in the first place, but he worked 7 days a week for the first 2-3 months we dated so it was easy for me to date with that schedule. My mom says I abandoned her in her time of need. She's really hurt over this and I dont want to hurt anybody. I love my mom but am I being selfish? I can be a selfish and have been in the past. I admit it. However, I've cancelled dates on my boyfriend and events and sat at home taking care of my sick mom many times. I feel bad but I didnt want a great guy to pass me by without knowing if he's the one. I do have some concerns with him in my mind but I'm not 100% sure he is the one for me but dating will tell you that. I'm happy and in love but is he worth all of this? My mom is threatening to kick me out of the house. What do I do? Am I selfish? Would you have done anything differently? Thank you all for anything you may have to say. Even if it hurts and is harsh, I want to hear the truth. Thanks
I don't think you have acted selfishly at all.
Harsh as it may seem you do need a life of your own. I'm
Not suggesting that you don't continue to support and help your mum but there does need to be a balance. Of course you are entitled to pursue your own happiness and a relationship.
Is there anyone else at all who can help out with your mum like once or twice a week to give you a break?
What about your boyfriend? How would he feel sometimes spending the time with you at your house so you could keep an eye on your mum at the same time? (not every time)
The reality is that there will come when your mum isn't there anymore and you do need to build a life of your own - that's the way it's meant to go.
I really feel for your mum and I know it mustn't be easy for her especially if you are the only one who she has been able to rely on for help but yeah, you do have a life independent of her also.
Look into what other options for help there are. Not saying you should abandon her - just that you shouldn't have to do it all on your own.