I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years, she loves me and badly wants marriage kids etc etc.
I like her company i really do i think i love her but im not that attracted to her and i feel like marrying her is giving up on the chance to ever do better. I guess that sounds horrible but is it worse to lie to her and tell her i don't look at other women.
I live with her its convenient breaking up with her would leave me alone and i don't havee many friends,,, being alone scares me i hate it.
I have been putting off marriage for so long telling her its coming and shes starting to have emotional breakdowns over it. sometimes she leaves the issue for a while and hopes or forgets i dunno but then its like its always on her mind and i feel so bad.
"I like her company i really do i think i love her but im not that attracted to her and i feel like marrying her is giving up on the chance to ever do better."
You've answered your own question about whether you should marry this woman.
So what you're ACTUALLY saying is you wish to use this woman who's with you for life-love, marriage and kids, by secretly only wanting her as a friend. And the reason for that is because you don't have many.
How is it easier in your mind to dupe someone so unkindly (as well as leave her locked out of the opportunity of a genuine love relationship in her one lifetime) AND meanwhile suffer feeling 'so bad' about it, than to set about making bona fide friends through the various open avenues out there?
What is it specifically about being alone for any length of time that so scares you?
I'm not great at meeting people
shes the only girlfriend ive ever had it scares me that if i gave her up i would not find another because thats such an unknown.
And I would rather have her then be alone i realize this seems unfair to her.
Its not her fault im like this but i am.
"shes the only girlfriend ive ever had it scares me that if i gave her up i would not find another because thats such an unknown"
Then you've been misinformed, mush. Here's the reality of human instincts-based drive (aka involuntary compulsion): it's actually far harder to try to AVOID crossing paths with someone who lights your candle or to then fight it once it happens than it is to simply get subjected to opportunities. That's precisely why the old adage, Plenty of fish in the sea.
We do not MAKE friends (that's just arrogant control-freakery and pompous credit-taking talking). As long as you're regularly out and about in the outside world as much as possible, simple events, circumstances and necessities will MAKE to meet people and become friends, including one special one. All you have to do is smile and be friendly and let nature and that particular process take its course...VIA YOUR VIBES. Repeat - via your vibes.
That's how come there are couples out there who report they met on a bus or train or at the library or in their local supermarket or-or-or...
I met my soulmate on a beach in Spain (he lived in France, I in England, but we both have Med blood). At the time, I didn't even WANT to meet anyone (was there to please myself with sun, sand, seawater, great food and good books)...didn't even want to TALK to anyone... and was convinced that if that was the way I felt, I wouldn't.
Ha-ha me! What the hell did *I* know?! Self-delusion about my having had any say in the matter, let ALONE any amount of actual control, that's what. I'm now blissfully happily married to him simply because my ciggie lighter ran out and I asked him, a complete stranger lain on a towel 10ft away from me, likewise a smoker, politely for a light.
How unknowingly prophetic was my question, 'Excuse me, do you have a light?'. He had a light, alright! As did I. And we've been beaming all over each other ever since!
And I'm not unique. Not in that way. None of us are exempt from normal, natural human behaviour and mechanics.
All you have to be is out in public, relaxed, happy, absorbed in doing something you like doing...and nature does the rest.
'Unknown' my bottom!