Facebook Banner 001

What do i do?

Posted by
DONNAJO
on Oct 14 2014 at 02:25
Member since: 14 October 2014
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category I am hurting so bad right now. My husband and I have been together over 32 years, I always thought I could trust him until I got a text from someone I don't even know last night, telling me she thought I should know that my husband had cheated on me a couple years back. It was with a woman who I had been friends with. Her husband was one of my husband's best friends then he died at 46, she called my husband to talk frequently and I never thought anything of it. My husband swears nothing happened and now this woman is saying she doesn't know why her friend texted me this stuff, obviously she gave the woman my number. We, had a falling out about a year or so ago. I don't know what to think. My husband is at a motel. I told him I want him out. He said he would never throw away our relationship like this. My gut is telling me something happened. We have 3 children & 6 grandchildren & have been together since we were teenagers. What do I do??
Reply from
TASHIANA
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:01
Member since: 14 October 2014
I think you shouldn't do anything. If you wanna be back with him that's understandable, but don't make any decisions while you're emotional or if you feel guilty because most likely you'll regret your decisions later. Life is like a tree, your true friends and family who support you no matter what you say or do are your roots and they will always be there for you. Then you have your branches, who can be anyone, you have to be careful of them because they aren't always reliable because sometimes if you step on them they'll break and leave you high and dry. Next you have your leaves which are only there for a season. Sometimes people try to change leaves into roots, but they're only supposed to be there for a season. I'm not saying your husband is a leaf just wait. Lastly you have your lumberjacks who just try to cut everything down and make you have to slowly start over. Your husband could be a root and the woman is a lumberjack. Have you ever had a reason to doubt your husband? I mean you have been together over 32 years. Most people don't even get that. Like I said don't do anything until your over this emotional period because if you divorce him over something that might not be true later on you'll be in a lot of pain. I honestly do think that you should trust your husband rather than a woman that called out of the blue that you don't know.
Reply from
LINGLING28
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:10
Member since: 23 January 2016
I can understand the pain of betrayal & no women should ever feel that, for someone to randomly text & tell you about something that happened years ago you got every right to feel what youve been feeling now.

BUT I feel whoever it is maybe only telling you now to start trouble between you & your husband, you guys are adults yous can talk things out & if you want to get past this itll work. Yous have a lifetime history together. Dont throw it all away because of a heresay issue.

yous both have brought children into this world who probably look upto yous as a perfect couple you have grandchildren who are cherishing & making their memories they have with yous while yous are still here..

Don't let this affect you too much as theyre only trying to reck a happy family who knows thats probly their motive only cause they dont have what you have a strong & long relationship with a man who yous both have created. live life to the fullest while you have it, enjoy your loved ones company especially to the man that devoted himself to you & make memories of how you want your grandchildrens to remember yous by

dont let this person distract you from negativity & waste your precious time on unnecessary drama

Reply from
SUZANNE
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:11
Member since: 14 October 2014
I agree with Tashiana. I think you need to take some time to work through your pain. I know what it is like to be betrayed. It is horrible, but I can't imagine giving up 32 years of memories and friendship because of one mistake. Divorce is incredibly painful and it won't make either of you happier. Additionally your children and grandchildren will feel some that pain with you. Vacations will be split up. Holidays will have to be shared. I am a child of divorce. My parents split up after 25 years of marriage and I can guarantee you neither of them is better off, and I promise you that my sister and I are definitely worse off. You can live without him, but do you really want to?
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:21
Member since: 27 December 2013
Can you give your husband the benefit of the doubt? That it really didn't happen that way OR that it did and it has been over right after it happened?

Has he been a good husband?

It sounds like you have a long, loving relationship. Don't throw this away without a lot of thought.

This woman TEXTED you? What a coward!!

Reply from
SUPER SARAH
on Oct 14 2014 at 23:49
Member since: 20 September 2014
This is an extremely difficult position to have found yourself in.

The thing is - it's all well and good for people to say - forgive him / forget it but that's not easy to do. The seed of doubt has been planted and if you sweep it under the carpet it's liable to take root and disrupt the foundations of the relationship.

You say you have an instinct that it's true and he did cheat. Can you pinpoint anything at all that is making you lean towards that conclusion rather than the conclusion that this woman could be lying?

If it were me I would speak to the woman who sent the accusation text, face to face if possible or by phone at a minimum. I would be asking her all sorts of questions. When/ where/ why / how / who/ how long for? The more info you can get the easier it should be to work out who is lying.

What does this woman have to gain by bringing this to your attention years after the event?

Get your detective hat on - I'm sure we can get to the bottom of this.

Liars always slip up eventually and the truth will out.

If you can show he without reasonable doubt has cheated then at least you know exactly what you are dealing with and then you can make a totally informed decision on whether you and he can survive something like that or whether you even want to.

I agree , divorce is no one's ideal choice but believe me when I say - in some circumstances it is far better than the alternative.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 14 2014 at 23:57
Member since: 19 August 2014
Donnajo,

Your husband may swear nothing happened, but, then, what has he said by way of plausible, rational-sounding, wholly satisfactory explanation as to why on EARTH some female friend of the widow who 2 years ago sought him out to meet her major emotional needs, has seen fit to take the time and trouble to text you (AND with such a message)?

And whilst I'm at it: This woman was YOUR friend yet decided she'd rather talk to your husband - a man? About emotionally difficult stuff? Pff, yeah...when given the choice, women *always do* pick a man to confide in rather than another familiar woman, don't they just..and, equally, men LOVE regularly dealing with womens' traumas when it's not even their responsibility to [rolls eyes]. So WHY didn't her wanting to speak to him instead of you strike you as odd?

Or is the truth that it DID but because you and he weren't on good terms at the time, you weren't capable of caring enough or paying proper attention?

You've already SAID this texter could only have got your number from this widow. So what possible reason could this widow have had for giving YOUR number to one of her friends? *I* can't think of one, can you?

It's called, 'I'm sick of his months/years of promises-promises to leave his wife 'once this and once that' and now want to force him out of desperation to leave her by making HER DECIDE TO LEAVE *HIM*, but I daren't ..so can YOU do it for me, oh best friend of mine who wants to keep or curry favour with me?' and is one of the oldest mistress tricks in the book. It makes it appear that the friend is tittle-tattling outside of the mistress's awareness and say-so so as to avoid looking bad and getting into trouble with her married man. Whereas it's no skin off the friend's nose, thanks to the fact she'll wholly likely never ever have to meet or speak to the pair of you.

Granted, however - with reference to the fact you say you and he had a falling out last year - it could equally be that he had a thing with her or nearly did, which left her feeling used or her attempted advances rejected, and, still being in an emotionally and mentally reduced state thanks to her grief, now wants to get revenge on him by trying to ruin his marriage.

A third option is that this widow and once-friend have had a falling out, and it's the FRIEND who wants to get revenge - on the widow. But why was it that this particular accusation managed to occur to her?

I doubt it's the last one because one doesn't tend to give a friend with whom one is in the midst of a row, the mobile phone number of "some woman" she doesn't know. So it's the first or second.

Who KNOWS which of the two at this point. But I imagine you could get some sort of idea by, as I say, examining his 'simple explanation' as to what's behind this nasty (but possibly helpfully enlightening) deed.

So. WHAT WAS HIS PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPLANATION?

PS: To give you the benefit of a BALANCED view-poll, here: I'm divorced, and, despite it was hard work at the time, not only was it the best decision I ever made, but my son completely agrees and did so remarkably quickly following my serving of the petition. I also have divorced friends (both sexes) with kids who all agree. And know of plenty of others who came out smelling of roses, as well. I also know and know of women who stayed married afterwards (few *men* tend to stay after being cheated on, however, *notably*).

NOTHING is as soul-destroying as feeling trapped in a loveless, respect-less, dishonest relationship or trying to forevermore kid yourself that you are superhuman enough to mentally move completely past that everlasting blot on the marital landscape. So what dictates whether the marriage can be fixed and that huge blot overlayed until largely obscured from hindsighted view, is whether the man is TRULY repentant and takes real and precedent-setting strides to prove it and KEEP proving it (until the *betrayed spouse* is satisfied and capable of trusting him again, not just whenever *he* says so). In other words, the cheater has to completely move on from it - towards you - before you can do likewise.

Furthermore, what dictates whether kids get through it largely unscathed and well-adjusted or even making lemonade out of that large and impactful lemon relies on how predominantly YOU, their mother, deal with it all (and deal with them meanwhile). You reap what you sow in this life. Hard work equals big perk, whether it be staying and flourishing or moving on and rising like a pheonix out of the ashes.

Guns don't kill people, PEOPLE kill people using guns. Likewise, divorce doesn't make people miserable and worse off, PEOPLE make people miserable and worse off using divorce. Never blame the mere tool.

But you're not even AT that point yet. First comes deciding what's truly happened or not.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 15 2014 at 00:03
Member since: 19 August 2014
"If it were me I would speak to the woman who sent the accusation text, face to face if possible or by phone at a minimum. I would be asking her all sorts of questions. When/ where/ why / how / who/ how long for? The more info you can get the easier it should be to work out who is lying."

Agree!

Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?