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Should I divorce my husband

Posted by
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:20
Member since: 14 October 2014
Relationship advice I have known/dated my husband for over 25 years. We have known each other longer than we haven't. We have been married for 17 years. About 6 month ago my husband began to act withdrawn and sulky. We were living in another country at the time and I wasn't happy there and neither was he. I assumed it was the stress of the country and our impending move to another more complicated country that was making him distant. Well apparently he was in fact cheating on me during that time. Our 14 year old son found that out that he was cheating on me from a rather sexual email my husband had accidentally left on his phone. Our son wasn't searching for the email. It had been left open and my son saw it when he answered the phone. I confronted him and he behaved like a crazy person. Yelling at me and trying to say that somehow it was my fault. He never begged for forgiveness or tried to reassure me that he loved me. In fact, he told me that my son and I would not be moving with him to his new job. Later he took that back and said he wanted to work on the relationship. I know that I didn't bring this on, that I could be happy, maybe even happier with someone else but my son has been through hell and I don't really want to give up a 25 year old relationship. It is hard to be strong sometimes. He is not making it easy. What should I do?

Should I divorce my husband

Reply from
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:27
Member since: 27 December 2013
It's too bad your son is in the middle of this. Try to keep him out of the discussion, and not accept news about your husband through him. You must show him that you and your husband are going to solve this as adults. He's been through enough.

Are you motivated enough to keep this marriage in tact? It doesn't sound like it. Maybe a counselor can help you two decide if you want to stay together.

Should I divorce my husband

Reply from
on Oct 14 2014 at 03:36
Member since: 14 October 2014
Thanks Susie, I do think I would like to keep the marriage in tact and we have seen a therapist. He says he would like to work on the relationship but recently called the girl he was seeing (she is literally half a world away) when I was away in Seattle in the hospital with a burst appendix. Unfortunately my son saw that he had made the call because again my husband left the window open on the ipad. I am very confused because my husband loves our son very much but keep managing to hurt him with these mistakes. Last night I found the skype account my husband had been using to call her and changed the password and the language then I sent this to the girlfriend via email:My husband and I are putting our marriage and family back together. Your involvement in our relationship has done serious emotional damage to myself and my son. You have a child, you must know how bad this is. Imagine if your son had seen what my son saw when he picked up his father's phone and found those messages on Skype. He cried about it for hours. It will affect his relationship with his father forever. We are finally back to being intimate and working on our problems with a professional counselor. I ask that you please stop contacting my husband in any way. Work on building your own family rather than destroying someone else's. Well needless to say my husband got very angry and now has decided we are divorcing. I have not been crying or begging, just basically saying we am not leaving yet.

Should I divorce my husband

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 14 2014 at 14:27
Member since: 19 August 2014
You've done nothing wrong here. You're perfectly entitled as one partner in a 'company' to chase off an outside threat when your partner isn't. (And excellent message, by the way!..not that any low-down snake would let THAT stop her.) However, in your case, your partner invited the threat in the first place, and is now - contrary to all his hot air excuses and promises - refusing to cease doing business with her (it :-p).

He's no doubt angry because he told her an entirely different story, and you've just potentially opened her eyes to what a lying, self-obsessed, self-serving beep-head he is.

I'm sorry your son's facing another trauma after having been through so much already. But the good news here, if you believe in Fate, is that he's obviously been spotted from 'on high' as Officer material, not a 'grunt', hence has been moved from Basic Training barracks to Officer Training school with Obstacle Courses to really toughen him up in record time, to match. Keep your son likewise that philosophical and positive about it all and I guarantee you, he'll make superb lemonade out of this giant lemon once he finishes developing into an adult. Furthermore, all a child needs to be happy is a healthy and contented mum (with the strength never to drop discipline out of misguided pity as can produce spoiled and selfish babies like your ex2b). Believe in Fate or not, this seems to be exactly how it all goes...if you can mostly keep your head, that is, which includes never trying to hit at ex2b by withholding custody, using son as a pawn (I'm sure you wouldn't, you sound too level-headed).

That your husband tantamountedly FLAUNTED these messages (because you're not telling me the guy is so retarded he can't learn to cover tracks that have already gotten spotted) could be down to three things (or a mixture):

1. Aside from the love, he's irrationally jealous and still resentful at all the attention you gave to son and not him (mew-mew), meaning this event dishes out revenge on both of you a la Two For The Price Of One (in which case, you married A CHILD OF EIGHT in a grown-up man's suit who is now self-reduced to an animalistic state with urges and thinking to suit).

2. He cares so little about preserving his marriage and family that he can't even be bothered to sneak around quietly/unseen, and in his cowardice and laziness would rather the donkey work get done FOR him.

3. You were supposed to end up totally cowed and walking on eggshells, blaming yourself and switching to constantly pandering to the big king... hence leaving all the evidence lying around for you to find. That this ploy backfired enraged him.

He did NOT want to work on the relationship. He just wanted to get to be the one in control as far as the When...buying time. What better way than to try to lull you into a false sense of hope and security.

This is all too fresh and shocking right now for you to spot clues in your past that pointed to his being so emotionally thick and immature and over-entitled, but it'll come. He's not concerned with yours and your son's welfare, that much is apparent, so it now falls to you. You have to accept that your marriage is over and start taking action accordingly. See a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand and will stand when divorced (- usually taller, richer and surprisingly happier), IMMEDIATELY. It'll remove a HUGE portion of worry and fear and probably leave you the complete opposite: confident, hopeful and raring to go. And with you looking and sounding okay about it and in control, your son will automatically follow suit.

Visiting a solicitor is precisely what your husband dreads (or dreaded) you doing before HE'S ready (and has had a chance to hide marital wealth and assets aka "his!" money, I shouldn't wonder), hence that false lulling attempt.

I think you'll be fine because you seem to have a knack for taking your cue and instruction only from ACTIONS, not blah-blah-blahs.

Let this silly, naive, gullible woman take this reeking, screeching monkey off your back. In a year or less from now, like trillions of divorced women before you, you'll undoubtedly be raising a glass of gratitude to her. And possibly wishing you could send her a letter that says, 'How do you LIKE my old life that you stole? Great....doesn't it.'

Should I divorce my husband

Reply from
on Oct 14 2014 at 23:16
Member since: 20 September 2014
Gotta say

I agree with soulmate.

This man cheated on you - didn't show remorse - then cheated on you again (cos calling his (ex) mistress when you are trying to piece your broken relationship back together is cheating in my eyes)

Your message to this woman was brilliant - spot on - nothing nasty or horrible, just total facts - you really conducted yourself with grace and dignity there. Not sure many people in that position would have been so restrained.

I know the thought of starting over as a single woman again is extremely daunting but it really really will feel a lot better a year down the line. My husband left me at the end of 2012 and I thought my world had ended. Now, I am glad!

As for your son, I worried so much about the impact it would have on my kids and that's the main reason I didn't end my marriage 2 or 3 years before. The reality is never as bad as the fear. My kids are actually more settled and well adjusted now than when their father was with me. See, all that energy I was putting into trying to rescue a rotten marriage is now put into them and they are thriving.

Divorce doesn't have to be a bad thing - sometimes it's the best thing for all concerned.

That's my opinion

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