My boyfriend feels pressured to sleep with me
So my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and have been living together for the past 4 months. Things have been great but for the past month it's like he lost his sex drive.
Being honest it has bothered me and I've been trying to initiate it by physically doing something or straight up asking for sex. when the relationship started it used to be sex daily, But as we gained an emotional attachment for each other we got a more balanced relationship. (Like 3-4 times a week instead) Now he will only sleep with me out of guilt. When I asked what was wrong he said he felt pressured for sex cuz I always want it, that he's tired from work, and is just not as fun for him anymore.
To clarify what I mean by "not fun for him anymore" I mean he's into stuff like bondage which I'm fine with I'll admit I'm similar, but he never used to care about hurting me in the bedroom cuz I was always for it. Now he doesn't wanna see me suffer, he said "he loves me to much to hurt me" that's good thing except that's basically the only way to turn his crank. SO the point is I want sex on a regular basis and he doesn't, he was always the one to initiate it but now he won't even try.
-asking for it
-turning him on
I've even gone as far to ban him from my body, no hugs, kisses, sex anything. As soon as I told him that was my plan he was all over me, but I ignored and rejected him by not kissing back, or hugging back and when he tried sex I used the "safe word" angrily. He immediately admitted defeat by curling up in a ball and claiming he misses me . (This was within a 10 minute span there is no way he could "miss me" he just wants what he can't have) after an entire evening of rejecting his advances and him clearly getting frustrated I gave in and didn't stop him, so we had sex. (He couldn't finish the job and got tired. He went soft, and apologized profusely) it's been 4 days since then and me being myself want more, but I don know how to go about it. A bigger part of me thinks deal with myself and ignore him, let him come to me. (I really don't want to do that I will go crazy) and my other idea which I don't think will work as well is ban him from my body again.
What do you think I should do?
More info to help you understand my relationship..
-I'm 20, he's 23
-he has had 2 friends with benefits in the past before we dated
-we have known each other for 3 years
-this is both our first serious relationship
-we live in my parents basement -_-"
-I graduated college, he didn't
-I just quit my job for another, worked there a month and got fired.
-I've been jobless for a week
-he spoils me rotten with gifts, and affection (real jewelry, junk food, dates)
-we have A LOT in common (video games, movies, geeky/nerd stuff, personality, and thoughts)
-he's my brothers best friend who also lives here
-my family loves him
And the big topic you should know..
He has never had a good family life, his parents divorced when he was 2, and his mother is now in the mental hospital, his step mother hates him so he not allowed to go home, talk to his half siblings, or really see his dad much. He grew up being told he has to eat dinner In his room while everyone else eats at the table, his father tried to send him to live with his uncle at 16 but his uncle paid his dad to keep him. (His uncle loves him but he wanted my boyfriend stay there so he can see his mother rather then move to another province and never see his mother) he used to have a strict rule of coming home directly after school and was locked out if he was a minute late, and as a kid was locked out of the house and left at a park alone while his dad and step mom went out. Sometimes as long as 5 hours from the time he was 4 years old.
More or less he has some issues and he is extremely grateful to me because he thinks I was the first person to ever give him a chance. He's attached at my hip and I'm just the same. He comes to all major family events where my aunts kiss his cheek and hug him. I have a big family and they welcomed him in like they did my father (similar circumstances)
FINALLY, How we became a couple..
Just after I graduated college my job couldn't afford me and had to let me go, the company was going under. Depressed from the college bullying and out of a job I was too scared to leave the house.. I decided to take time off for the first time in my life. My self esteem was low and my friends were worried about me, I wasn't leaving the house unless I had too, my friend Mel used to come over a lot as she was going through an abusive relationship since she knew I wouldn't leave the house she would come over to hang out with me and my brothers. We would play video games and laugh, she and my 2 brothers were pretty much the only happy things in my life. I ended up living a total of 8 months in my house doing nothing before I got another job, and it wasn't easy to gain the confidence to start my life again.
Well I have my boyfriend to thank for that, he's my brothers best friend and would come over 1 every week or 2. my brother never told me when he was here so I'd come bouncing down the stairs like an idiot, with messy hair, no makeup, baggy panamas and NO BRA just to see him staring at me. I was so shocked and defensive every time id act mean with a smile, I didn't know how to react. After a few months of this he started talking to me in a joking manner and we would hang out the 3 of us (me, him, and my brother). Then he stated teasing me, joking, playing with my hair, poking me when I was paying attention. After a month of this I started asking Mel if she thought he liked me,or if he was just friendly. I got flustered and started to like him, Mel was over more then ever trying to help me decipher my feelings. She devised a plan for a drinking night and the four us (me, him, my brother, and Mel) played drinking games, ate food, played twister and video games. By the end of the night he and I were very drunk and I was hugging everyone my brother left me to share a couch with my future boyfriend while he and Mel went to there own sleeping arrangements. That night I got felt up and kissed, I did something dumb but we didn't have sex.
The next day I was hung over and ran from the couch before he woke up, I told Mel what happened and she was shocked. I spend the whole day awkwardly playing games with him and the others until night where I asked if we could talk about what happened. He gave my his cell number and texted me after we drove him home. Turns out he was unsure how he felt but he knew he liked me, he asked me out and we have been together ever since.
I'm grateful to him, he saw me when no one else did, I was at my worst and he still chose me. After 2 months with him I had enough confidence to leave the house again. AND that's when I got a job.
Currently I'm not leaving the house again, it's only been a week but my most recent boss has been harassing me. She would yell at me until I cried and would make condescending stabs the entire time, she would go out of her way to bully me and make me an example in front of the other employees. She even started lying to make me sound bad.. Everyone told me I was doing a good job and working my hardest but "she" didn't like me. She would go out her way make sure I was the only person scheduled for a shift I couldn't take and she knew about. It got bad and last week she fired me with generic excuse, there was no forms to sign which I found out from my parents there should be when someone gets fired and now I'm without a job again. A lot of co workers reached out and said they were shocked cuz there was no indication of what was going on. Apparently in the 3 months my ex boss had been the manger she had 4 people quit (only 8-10 employees are hired for this store). Turns out I was the first of the ones she didn't like to stick it through so she fired me after reducing my hours.
I'm happy I no longer come home crying but I have to pay my parents rent which I can't afford without a job :S
And so, what is your question?
Ah yeah, you have a BF who can't have sex unless its bondage. He's dysfunctional unless its that way.
I don't know what to tell you. You have chosen to focus on this particular "problem" in your life instead of getting yourself ready for the future and ridding yourself of this boy/man who has so many issues.
I'm sure you can find a whip somewhere. Good luck.
Yeah the issue is he doesn't want to hurt me, it's because he doesn't want to hurt me he won't get turned on. My question is what should I do to get him to sleep with again? He's the dominate one so I don't exactly get to use a whip.. If anything he's using that on me
"More or less he has some issues and he is extremely grateful to me because he thinks I was the first person to ever give him a chance. He's attached at my hip and I'm just the same. He comes to all major family events where my aunts kiss his cheek and hug him. I have a big family and they welcomed him in like they did my father (similar circumstances) "
Sounds very (VERY) much to me like he approached this whole relationship secretly wanting a special friend/sister - or to find a way to get welcomed into the entire family bosom - above and beyond anything else, whereas you approached it wanting a sexual one, a boyfriend. You signalled your expectations/demands quite clearly by how you behaved around him initially, meaning he received and understood the very firm but tacit (i.e. under-the-conscious-radar) message that if he wanted friendship/sisterhood with you he'd have to pay for it by throwing in the romantic and sexual element.
He agreed (out of his abject need). Initially, he tried to get around the fact he wasn't that sexually attracted to you by trying to artificially spice things up to a major degree, using S&M-style tittilation and sensationalisation. The anger that bondage permitted would have been highly cathartically useful initially because he'd have had a lot of banked-up, bottled-up anger and frustration over his childhood to get out.
But anger is finite and becomes spent. And fakery cannot be kept up forever, either. It's very tiring.
In other words, he's basically tried to go in to the Substitute-Family Room through the Boyfriend-shaped door. Now that he's been in the room long enough to feel safely ensconced (proven by demonstrations of attachment by, for example, your aunts kissing him), he's easing off of making his regular weekly payments to you..wriggling out of the contract stipulations. That's why he panicked and forced himself to have sex with you the minute he thought his position was under threat (of possibly getting dumped as would probably mean dumped from the family as well, to be replaced by a new boyfriend). But he couldn't keep it up [scuse pun] for long enough. Because it's false, the urge (normally powered by lust and then regenerated via the sex act, etc.) just isn't there.
He loves you the quasi-sister (hence still needing the affection part), but neither loves nor is in love with you the girlfriend. Despite that brotherly-sisterly attachment, now, he, as I say, used you as a door (or a bridge, if you prefer) into the family set-up he had been denied as a child and had since still badly hankered for. It wouldn't have happened had his only connection remained being merely that with your brother. So that's why he swooped the minute you were down and vulnerable and desperate for support and someone to trust and believe in.
You do not, therefore, have to feel grateful to him. He was always just trying to find a way in to yours and your brother's family, to the point where he was prepared to con you he was into you in that way.
Thanks to the fact he was for too long treated like an animal thus conditioned into thinking in terms of one, this guy is nowadays being a predator who, accordingly is not above machinating like one. He might be likeable or even lovable on the surface, and granted it's NOT his fault, but the fact remains. He's been a user-predator who duped you (the someone's would-be girlfriend side of you) in order to get what he so badly wanted even over and above a girlfriend of his own choosing to whom he was actually sexually attracted.
Put it this way: you haven't been feeling grateful to him LATELY, have you. Nor for quite a while beforehand. Funny, that.
He's not your boyfriend. And you're not his free therapist (neither is your family). He's your unofficially, non-consensually adopted brother.
(And by the sounds of it, you should introduce him to your ex boss. They'd make a lovely couple, with no-one ever having to fake and pretend a thing. Ha-ha.)
Put both these episodes behind you for the lessons that they were, as led you here to (hopefully) conscious realisation, and in future try to adhere more to the traditional principles belonging to any type of relationship, as afford you better protection, so that the people you're trying to deal with can't cheat or cut corners, let alone pull the wool over your eyes and use to to take out on or foist onto you their own issues that have ugger all to do with you.
Put all that incredible pent-up energy of yours (as is manifesting in libido) into finding another, better job, and then decide if you'll want to keep this lad around as an adopted family member once you find yourself a new, bona [again, scuse pun] fide boyfriend.
PS: SURELY your parents wouldn't expect you to pay rent whilst you have no income and badly need to use what little money you still have for job-seeking?
I wish it was so simple, but he is sexually attracted to me. He chooses to spend all his free time with me, and in the beginning of our relationship (first 5 months) it was only sex. He was scared of the "feelings" part of a relationship, It was obvious he didn't want to get hurt.
Now is the opposite, mind you it's only been like this for a month but the "feelings" part of our relationship is great, he surprises me with little things like coming home early to see me, buying some take out for us on his way home, or a big gift like recently he went and spent $130 on a beautiful blue topaz and white sapphire necklace he saw me looking at on the computer. He reasoning was "I love you"
Also even though my family accepts him he's pretty uncomfortable around them, so I don't think he's using me..
Ps. He told me yesterday that he felt pressured because I don't do anything anymore. "You don't have hobbies, you never see your friends anymore, and you're so depressed" so we decided were going buy gym memberships, that way were changin up our boring relationship by going out more.
As for the parents charging me rent, yeah they aren't reasonable in that department. I have to fork it over, if I don't I have to work it off with a massive chore list and then pay them when I get the money. Basically I'm paying with labour and then the money when I get it- if I can't pay on the 1st of every month that is.
If he were sexually attracted to you, he'd want to do what all men who find a woman sexually attractive do: have sex with you.
What, and it's unheard of for brothers/male friends who are really fond of you (AND who sense they're in a precarious position with you of late) are beyond buying a woman gifts - partly out of fondness and partly out of guilty conscience and a need to provide compensation for the bog-standard main element they're FAILING to provide? I don't think so.
I did SAY he loves you. But platonically. So not in totalis as should a romantic partner. And I explained he was using a SIDE of you. Anything he's saying to explain why the sexual element is missing is merely excuses. What ELSE is he going to say? 'Yeah, you're right, I don't fancy you'? You'd end it if he did.
Actions speak louder than WORDS. Albeit, I suppose equally he could just be bored of the relationship. But then with lust missing, he would be, wouldn't he. But what are you - court jester and social secretary? Couldn't he have come up with ways to freshen up your relationship himself?
Frankly, though, if the guy's bored of you/this relationship after only 10 short months, you'd think he'd realise he was on a hiding to nothing and finish it. So why hasn't he? What's keeping him in it? Trust me, if you truly are in-love with someone ROMANTICALLY, there's no such thing as getting bored. Especially not after as short a time as 10 months. That, actually, is the point where normally men genuinely start to fall IN love, whereupon the sex elevates to suit.
As for feeling uncomfortable around your family. Course. That kind of interaction wouldn't be his comfort zone. Having had no practise, he wouldn't know quite how to handle it, especially as you've only been together 10 months (and I doubt he was getting to hang out with them *immediately*). Doesn't stop him wanting it, though, or parts of it, like the sense of inclusion, belonging, camaraderie, self-identity, etc. Or the ideal it represents.
However, if you REALLY believed that gym membership and going out more were the piss-easy solutions, I rather think  you wouldn't have felt a need to come on here in the first place, nor  gone into such extensive detail over his family background, etc., like you did. You'd have said, my boyfriend doesn't seem to want sex any more whereas we used to have it all the time, is he going off me or growing bored?
Put it this way: I'm not telling you ANYTHING. I'm merely highlighting to you all the copious little hints you laid out as pointed glaringly to the issue. So what we have here is you telling me/us what the problem is, but jumbled up, yet now denying it when I re-orientate it to form a comprehensible picture.
You can have it your way if you like. But that was my considered opinion over a very straight-forward, NOT uncommon situation. So we'll have to simply agree to disagree, then, yes?
He actually just came home from work early and initiated sex, i didn't say anything that could indicate I was looking for it and I haven't harassed him for in a week so I'm pretty happy. As for why I posted this on here it's because I don't want to bother my friends with this, I tried this site for the first time and it's actually not that bad. I think you helped me figure some stuff out and I want to thank you. Really, thank you
Haven't said anything that could indicate you were looking for it? Er... Suggest you look up, Meowgoldcat.
But, wow, who knew that "Let's think about gym membership" was the modern-day equivalent of Abaracadabara!
(Viagra? Your days are numbered.)
To put it bluntly, your relationship is not working.
There might be a million reasons why it should on paper, but it doesn't mean that it should.