Husband obsessed with cam girl
Where do I start. My husband has been visiting cam sites for around 3 years now. I only found out about this a while ago and by accident. This particular site, he visits several cam girls and chats for hours on line. He spends money on them and in return some of these girls put on shows (sex) for their members. Some of these girls have over a 100 guys in their rooms at any one time, but my husband is totally obsessed with one of these girls. He say's that he is emotionally in to her, but she does not feel the same way. She has made it so clear to all her members, that she is only there for the money and to put on shows, even though this particular girl does have nights where she just chats.
He follows her everywhere on line, she has twitter, tumblr, web site, kik, snapchat I could go on, and recently I found out that my husband has all these accounts as well. He keeps most of them secret from me, and he is very sly. He has become very secretive, hides his phone all the time, and does not let me anywhere near his computer. He tells me it is just fun, and nothing serious, but I have stumbled across conversations he has had with her, and he talks sexy, he flirts, and tells her how beautiful she is. Of course, she just loves the attention and recently he has started buying her special things for her birthday for example. I know he is not the only guy to do this, but we have been married for 15 years, have children, and all of a sudden he does this kind of thing. I do not have a problem if he wants a bit of fun, but he has taken this too far. When he comes home from work, he barely say's hello to me and he is off to visit her room online. I feel so betrayed by the lies and deception, and as far as I am concerned, he is on line cheating. Just want things to change, I am so sad.
WOW ISNT THAT A SLAP ON THE FACE FOR YOU...
it must really hurt for someone to be putting their whole attention on another person & not giving you that attention considering that your an actual person he can get sexually physical with.
obviously hes become more & more obsessed with this lady & I hope you dont turn your anger to this women cause at the end of the day hes paying her to do her JOB.
In terms of wanting him to stop I dont think you can really except to either live with it or have a break away from him & let him realize that shes not worth losing a family for...
but in saying that if you do take that step you cant give in till you know hes dead serious and deactivates everything (show proof talk is cheap) not only does it disrespects you being his partner but it also affects your family time having him hiding in a room & DREAMING about touching her.
enough is enough & you need to draw the line of it all, when your ready i know youll be setting some ground rules but you also need to stick by them to let him know your no longer putting up with it.
This is really laughable, if it weren't so pitiful on his part.
How old is your husband? Sounds like this addiction/obsession has been going on for some time.
How able are you to draw the line in the sand about his behavior? Are you ready to state the consequences if he does not stop? Or would you like to wait until he comes to his senses? If this gal were REALLY in his life, would you put up with this?
He is taking money from the family and attention away from you. That is unacceptable. Focus on that.
Thank you so much Lipzsealed and Susiedq for your replies and suggestions. I do truly appreciate them. I have tried talking to him several times about this issue, but he then turns everything back onto me, and starts telling me about all my faults, and how he has felt like this for years WTF. I think he is trying to justify his actions, by turning the blame onto me. If he was just visiting this girls cam site for just some fun, well maybe I could deal with it. But to stalk her everywhere she goes is a bit much.
Only this morning, he sent her a message on twitter saying how he imagined her on a treadmill, working out, with no clothes on, and how this was pleasant thoughts for him. He has so many hidden accounts on social media sites, that I cannot see, but this secret twitter account, well he does not know that I can see his posts, so I keep quiet about it. I feel terrible for snooping and spying on him.
Some of my friends have told me to stop snooping, so I will not get hurt. They say, he is just having some fun and it is only fantasy, that he is with you not her so what is the problem. If that was all it was, then maybe I could get over it, but once he started talking to her outside the confines of the cam room, then it took on a whole new meaning. She has made it perfectly clear to all the guys who visit her room, or who talk to her on other sites that this is all just friendship, nothing more. She has told all the guys that she is in a relationship and she will never meet any of her members ever. I totally believe this, most of the girls on these cam sites are just there for the money, it is their job, but my husband has taken this a bit too far.
He is a good father, and he has never mis treated me in any way, up until now. He is nearly 49 yrs old, so maybe he is going through some form of mid-life crisis. Who knows, all I know is that this is tearing me apart and I want it to stop.
So are you going to tell him that you know about his cyber-cheating?
You are suffering so much; does he even know why?
It could be a mid life thing, or he is just getting a thrill from it. Does his getting turned on transfer into the bedroom to benefit you? (Some guys use these sites to get turned on for their wives)
Yes, you can ignore it. But if it does cost $$ and takes his attention away from the family and you, you must say something.
You can ignore it if you're fine about permanently making yourself a DOORMAT.
His justification attempts are to avoid guilty conscience and image tarnishment. If you are unhappy generally or with whatever issues in your marriage, part and parcel of the duty of a spouse is to say, Houston, we have a problem. He didn't because there wasn't. Until HE started one, i.e. found an addictive substance that triggered his previously unsurfaced, strong addiction tendencies.
What he's doing is called Confirmation Bias, re-writing history so that it appears that he had no choice but to cheat (pff!). It's common cheater psychology and calls for increasing demonisation of the betrayed spouse. So don't LET him turn everything around on you. Tell him, 'That's utter BS and you know it!'.
You can't tell an addict who's hell-bent on self-destruction to quit. They have to admit they have a problem and seek help, otherwise they just drag their nearest and dearest down with them. But you can get the ball rolling by making him see what he stands to lose: everything. Give him a final warning that if he doesn't 100% cease and get counselling or couples counselling with you to fix his problem and ensure non-recurrence, he has to leave the marital home and you'll be seeing a solicitor to raise a divorce petition based on Adultery, i.e. simply make legally manifest the current *reality*.
This is actually just a legal formality because he's already broken thus null and voided the emotional and legal marital contract between you both, meaning you are already effectively single/spouse-less. The contract both tacit and legal stipulated monogamy and never knowingly blocking or removing your spouse's means by which to emotionally, mentally and financially self-protect, -sustain and -nurture and never to give away to a third party any romantically-connective rights, duties and privileges belonging to the spouse/the relationship.
Men are PERFECTLY capable of chasing back their partner and begging for forgiveness (along with proving they've finished committing and fully regret the crime to the point of ready to do the time). But if you don't take this drastic action you are signalling loud and clear that he can continue having her as his (fantasy) lover AND you as his free-of-charge housekeeper, nanny, cleaner, cook, and bottle-washer.
I agree with everything you are saying Soulmate and thank you for your thoughts. I have confronted him and he tells me there is nothing going on between him and the cam girl. Just his way of unwinding with his mates???? Yeah right. Go down to the pub and have a beer if you want to catch up with mates. He still posts comments on social media about how he wishes he could do something with his life blah blah blah and how he is sick and tired of being fake all the time so he can do the right thing. WTF Get a life bozo. This girl is about to liven things up. You cannot have 3 people in this relationship, so one of us has to go, and it will not be me. I am not giving up my family, my children, my house to a scumbag like you. Be a man, admit your mistakes and let's get things back on track otherwise there is the door. Make sure you close it on the way out. No more. I have had enough.
"Yeah right. Go down to the pub and have a beer if you want to catch up with mates...wishes he could do something with his life blah blah bla....WTF Get a life bozo...and it will not be me. I am not giving up my family, my children, my house to a scumbag like you. Be a man, admit your mistakes and let's get things back on track otherwise there is the door. Make sure you close it on the way out. No more. I have had enough.."
GOOD FOR YOU!!! Damn right - nobody puts BABY in the corner?!!
And yes, you are NOT poor Lady Diana Spencer with the mighty pressure of der establishment on top of you, making you lie down and take the untake-able!
Excellent. You'll be utterly fine. In fact, with strength like that despite having already undergone constant weakening insult after insult - you'll be MORE than fine!
Keep us posted.