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Confused and hurt

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My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year and we have a very strong relationship outside of the bedroom. We've talked about it, and realized I have a normal/slightly above average sex drive, and he has a low sex drive. I've explained that sex doesn't make a relationship, but it is a part of a relationship I'd like to have. During the first few months, he seemed like every chance he got, he wanted to. It has slowly decreased until about a month ago, now he just doesn't want it at all. He says he's just not in the mood. We've spiced up our love life, and have started trying all kinds of fantasies we're both interested in, but lately it's been a serious drought. It's left me feeling undesired, and I've explained that I need AT LEAST SOME physical attention (he's stopped holding my hand unless I ask, hardly ever kisses me, etc.)
Then today happened.
We were coming home from a nice dinner out, and he teased me about "how I just want sex". He then said "if I was single and my brother's fiance was hot, I'd bang her!".
I was of course very confused and hurt by this. He has been turning down my pleas for sex and intimacy for the past several weeks, then says this.
I asked what he meant and he repeated himself. I asked if I was hotter if he'd bang me and he wouldn't answer. I asked if we weren't dating, would he bang me, and he laughed and said I was reading too far into it.
I've been sexualy frustrated and worried about what's wrong between us for quite some time.
He then said he'd just use her like meat, after he's told me he gets nothing from sex, not even pleasure.
He also got pissed that I was upset, even after I apologized.



PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HE MEANS, WHAT HE WANTS, AND WHY IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH? I ASK AND HE JUST GETS MAD AND SAYS THAT TURNS HIM OFF MORE.

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I bet he wishes he could take that comment back . . . but it's very revealing, isn't it?

He wants "bangs" with hot girls; you want sex and intimacy.

Stop whining about this and blaming yourself. See this for what it is. (He may even be trying to push you away so you will leave him.)


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Trying to get fired? DAMN RIGHT! And all of that is grounds for instant dismissal.

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I asked him if he'd just use me like meat for sex then, and he laughed and said he knew I would start saying stuff like this. I asked him later if he really meant the original statement and he became very defensive and said no, but from how he sounded when he said it originally, and how he explained after he said yes originally, I'm not sure.

This actually triggered chest pain so bad last night, my mother drove me to the ER. I told him I was going because I've had these pains before and he asked me to tell him when they happened. I left my phone in her car and he came searching through 3 hospitals to find me. I don't know if this was him caring or feeling bad, and I don't know that I care. All I care about is why he said what he said and how to talk to him without him getting angry so I can get past this.
My heart literally feels broken and he doesn't understand, or care to.

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If he already knew you'd 'start saying stuff like this' in response then WHY DID HE SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! Stuff Like That *does* get Stuff Like This, what is he, an idiot?!

Your boyfriend is starting to irritate me and I don't even know him! He sounds like a secretly nasty little piece of work if you ask me. You do NOT deliberately poke a knife into someone's heart and then try to make out THEY'RE the unreasonable one for screaming in pain or for then OBVIOUSLY wanting to know why on earth you did it when you are supposed to be the LAST person they'd ever expect that kind of treatment from!

Laughed? LAUGHED? What the hell are you dating!

He WANTED you to get upset. But what he DIDN'T want was to be called to account under questioning afterwards, he wanted to get away with it scott-free. You were supposed to silently sit there feeling terrible for as long as possible, not bother him with his own consequences!

Who KNOWS what was behind him saying those things and behaved like that. Probably because HE was unhappy about something, something that had earlier happened that day. That or he thinks you're too good for him and will one day leave him unless he shackles you via destroying your self-confidence.

Well, what you've got there, luv, is a giant cat-kicker. Any time he feels remotely bothered about anything, he's going to turn around and take it out on YOU. The reason it's only started now, after a year, is because as he sees it he has finally GOT you - by the emotional short and curlies whereby now at this point it'd hurt you too much to try to walk away so, thinks he, you would likely prefer to sit there and take his nasty-mouthed crap than ever dare vote your disgust with your feet.

SHOW HIM HE'S WRONG. Maybe then he'll think twice about thinking he can use you as his emotional punching bag and try to take you down a peg or two!

Treatment like that deserves the woman backing RIGHT off in ***disgust and unimpressedness***, not showing him his little under-the-table kick has worked by mewling pitifully and/or getting teary or trying to reason with the unreasonable like some desperate victim.

Stand up for yourself. How do you expect any man to believe you're valuable if you show them you, the holder, feel the opposite? THIS IS PRECISELY WHAT HE'S PUTTING TO THE TEST - YOUR SELF-WORTH. IT's not boo-hoo, it's "EW! (get away from me until you're prepared to behave like a mature, sane adult rather than some giant pigtail-pulling bully.'

He's not trying to get fired. He'll TAKE that if that's the only alternative to you BECOMING HIS FOREVERMORE UNDERDOG because he'd rather have a Master-Servant relationship than an equal one whereby risk of heartbreak is accordingly equal.

Give him the silent What For. DON'T talk to him, don't even LOOK at him until he begs your forgiveness and promises never to treat you that way again.

Or don't, and thereby show him you're manipulable into thinking YOU'RE the unsafe one and pandering and clinging accordingly.

Do you get it now?

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Yes, I do think I understand. This fits perfectly actually. Even in the bedroom, he only seems to want hardcore BDSM. I like it too, but it kinda calls into question his psychological condition when me being in pain seems to be the only thing that turns him on. Sorry, probably too much info.

I really do appriciate you taking your time to respond not only once, but twice. This second post really opened my eyes.

I kind of did what you suggested this morning, before you suggested it. He texted me good morning and all I texted back was that we needed to talk. Normally I would have done it face to face, but with our work schedules, I won't see him until at least Monday and that was too far for me to be angry. So he called me 4 times within the span of about 15 minutes, freaked out that something was wrong. On the 5th call I answered and told him something was most deffinatly wrong and I wasnt going to dance around it anymore. I made him tell me if he really meant it or not, then I made him promise he would stop saying hurtful things like that, and that communications is crucial and he'll be more available to whatever I need, want, or need to talk about. At first he was very reluctant, but i put my foot down
And said it would be my way or the highway on this, and he apologized and said okay.

Now I'm not naive, I'll keep both eyes open to this stuff, but I feel like we made a giant leap. He never apologizes but this time he did AND sounded sincere.

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Not too much info - too much man with banked-up-anger issues.

Don't thank me, thank yourself for being strong enough to have eyes that DO open all the way! That's all the thanks I ask when there are so many damn cowards out there, giving women a bad name (that name being, Victim).

"He texted me good morning and all I texted back was that we needed to talk."

Oh, good for you! Damn right. Nobody puts HRH Baby in the corner, LEAST of all in irons under the table! And in fact, I think it's BETTER you texted it rather than waited until face-to-face. Comes over as more distant and formal.

"So he called me 4 times within the span of about 15 minutes, freaked out that something was wrong."

Couldn't work out what he'd done wrong, eh? Tell him the answer's written on the underside of of the velcro on his shoesies. :-p

"At first he was very reluctant, but i put my foot down
And said it would be my way or the highway on this, and he apologized and said okay."

OOOH, I SAYYY - you're a bit of a fast learner, aren't you? HAVE A GOLD STAR AND GO SIT AT THE FRONT!!!

Warning, though: Like you've just said: SOUNDED.

We'll wait for the actions that prove he was, shall we?

Anyway - nicely deflected servanting tactic, well done! Keep us posted.

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This is a case of too much out of the bag to try to stuff it back in. Things are not going to ever be the same.

His resentment that you now have the power will grow. Expect him eventually to make some kind of off the wall statement like he did.

(PS - I'm sorry but what you have revealed about yourself, I think you do not need to be in a BDSM relationship. You are far too sensitive and romantic. This is just not a good fit for you.)

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I wish I knew what you meant by out of the bag. What if it was just something he said and didn't mean it?

If he does make another statement, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. This is the first thing he's said like this.

I appriciate your concern, but BDSM isn't what you think it is if you think it can't be passionate, sensitive, and romantic. I find it more involved as a whole than vanilla sex, as do many other people who practice it.

Thank you for your help. I think I've got it handeled for now.

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(No, I think our Susie meant that he's dropped a blot onto the erstwhile clean landscape, one that you/the reltionship won't be able to recover from. He showed his arse TOO FAR, in other words.)

"His resentment that you now have the power will grow. Expect him eventually to make some kind of off the wall statement like he did."

Ah, but, Susie - not if she's clever about it! And you and I could help her in that, oui? (He won't have a CLUE it's three against one, LOL!) This is the Power Struggle phase where only the clever and resilient yet deep-down just ever survive. I think she is. So there are "vays". The "vay" is to get the guy into a 'headlock', take all of his power away, but then quickly give his half BACK again. Message received and understood: throw away the rule book because despotism and unfair dominance is unnecessary here, however, saying that, if you cross me again you'll be doubly sorry.

Been there, done that, almost strangled him with the t-shirt. :-p

But I agree absolutely that he'll at some point try for a power bid a second time. Oh, gosh, yes - it's inevitable. Men do NOT lie down after the first failed attempt. If they did, we wouldn't have landed on the moon or possess computers and the internet.

I think EB is harder than she pretend to be, though. I smell a mercenary who is deliberately nice out of compensation and guilty conscience over knowing what a shark she can be (whenever necessary).

Seriously, in my entire time I have only *once* before seen anyone catch on and take associative action that damn fast! And that means she was intelligent enough to see the sense in extrapolation and that IT DIDN'T JAR WITH HER INNATE CHARACTER. Actions.

(PS EB: Snap. ;-))

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I appriciate you, Soulmate, more than you can imagine. I needed that, to be told I am doing the right thing.

We just got into another fight. It was over something stupid, and I tried to talk through it calmly, but he locked me out with the silent treatment, as always. I can't take this anymore, they way he locks me out, gets mad at my reaction when he does or says something mean, how he acts like nothing is wrong, that he calls me overly emotional or overly sensitive or just plain too damn hormonal. NO FUCKING MORE!

But I'm not entirely sure I want to be in this stubborn, horn locked, seemingly stupid power struggle any longer.

What has he done to deserve me? He buys me nice things and we share many interests. He, however, doesn't give me physical or social attention, ignores me whenever he isn't bored, makes women "jokes" when all else fails to support his case, speaks in riddles then refuses to explain himself, worries what other people think about us, would obviously rather have just a piece of meat to "bang", and requires me to come crawling back apologizing if I want to be in his life again.

I deserve a real relationship with someone who doesn't just buy me things to shut me up. I deserve feelings, sex, hugs and kisses when I want, real conversations, someone who realizes their mistakes and apologizes and has a general want to love me FOR ME.

I've told him, it won't last if this is how it will be. It won't last with anyone you are in a relationship with, because it isn't a realtionship, it's a dictatorship with you at lead.


He refuses to break up with people, but he's indirectly ruining and ending it on his own.

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Your instincts were spot-on, yes - obviously aided by you having had a worrying wake-up call over how not just emotionally but PHYSICALLY vulnerable you are in the wrong hands (or the right hands that fancied a little experiment to see how much fight -v- over-accommodation you've got in you).

He's obviously as speedy and canny as you in terms of thinking and reacting if he tried a second attempt THAT quickly AS WELL AS tried a new tactic altogether - said silent treatment.

Yes, he IS going to keep trying various different things. I liken it to them trying to achieve getting a nail into a wall and, instead of just using a regular hammer (asking nicely for a different power share or for reassurance because of their *own* insecurity wobble), trying the back of a shoe, and, when that doesn't work, switching to a banana, and, when that doesn't work, either, stupidly trying the shoe again. :-p It depends on the individual man over how quickly he admits defeat and finally picks up the damn hammer.

My now-husband tried ALL sorts of tricks once we entered the power struggle phase to see how far he could push me (and keep me there), but I was wise to it and not having any of it. I wasn't quite ready for it the first time because, like you, I was always a couple of steps behind him on the bonding path so was still in the sweet symbiosis phase. He was trying to rush me into matching his own pace all the time. Still is, actually, LOL. And, yeah, he had the same apparent penchant for sex that went a bit 'out there', but it and his pretty constant testing and pushing attempts didn't worry me because I knew how perversely flattering it was (- him wanting to see how much more deeply intimate I'd be capable of getting, i.e. NOT the pain that turns on but your willingness to trust). Once we got through that phase was the precise point when he turned to me in the car and blurted, 'You're perfect for me', followed by proposing marriage. But MY GOD was it my toughest ever 'chimp training' experience to-date! Knackering, but worth it. And, tellingly enough, ever since, it's been HE who's wanted the romantic, eye-to-eye-gazing type of sex.

Test-push-test-push-test-push... These extra gung-ho types are *not* for the feint-hearted.

HOWEVER, mine wasn't as OTT as your guy back then. And nor did he try withdrawing sex and affection to test how much I wanted just him and how long it'd take before I'd dump him over it; that came later and in less extreme format than yours. He'd certainly never have dared say he fancied rogering some other woman (and one we knew). So your guy is, yes, definitely, in the power struggle phase but he's also combining it with a need for reassurance of how into him you are (i.e. if and how much I can upset her equals how into me she really is). It's a fine balance to strike, but the message must always be that you love HIM but are repulsed by his bad behaviour. You sounded like you struck it because, think about it, rather than saying you had to talk you could have just stepped out of his life and refused all further contact, which would have been in his eyes you giving up too easily and thereby proving you didn't think he was worth having to go through any real aggro for.

Clearly, he DOES care an awful lot for you, otherwise he wouldn't have searched THREE hospitals for you and then called you FOUR times in the space of 15 minutes (which basically equates to frantic, repeat dialling). *Actions*. Always, always try to ignore the hot air nonsense and stay focused on the really meaningful actions.

But this attitude is a bit SUDDEN in terms of full-on, isn't it? :

"I can't take this anymore, they way he locks me out, gets mad at my reaction when he does or says something mean, how he acts like nothing is wrong, that he calls me overly emotional or overly sensitive or just plain too damn hormonal. NO FUCKING MORE!

But I'm not entirely sure I want to be in this stubborn, horn locked, seemingly stupid power struggle any longer."

Well, that's entirely up to you, isn't it - whether you feel the relationship OVERALL, not just this particular phase you and Mr Crazy-In-Love-Insecure have entered, has a good Light-To-Dark ratio and whether the potential is there for something very special once you get through it, and whether that potential is USEABLE (which comes down to him).

Put it this way: if I were your boyfriend and the comments I threw at you were about things that you so laughably were not ("You purple skinned basstud!"), granted you'd think I was weird but you wouldn't get upset. You'd be bemused but amused. So clearly Mister Man's investigations are managing to pull up insecurities and weak spots of your own, aren't they.

His are that you're not really into him aside from in a physical way, and yours are the opposite (that it's not true love unless expressed first and foremost physically).

You've got a Taz from Tasmania, no doubt about it. But the question is: can he LOVE that ferociously as well, given a bit of sound, masterful chimp-training including regular slaps on the nose and Time Out in his pen until the day he realises it's all a waste of his time anyway, and is that the level of ardour you've always dreamed of? In other words, is he always going to be emotionally a bit thick and high maintenance in only NEGATIVE ways or have you got a diamond in the rough? Or is he a dud devoid of subtly and artfulness when it comes to testing out your strengths and weaknesses with a view to knowing who gets to be boss overall or regards this and that specific?

"What has he done to deserve me? He buys me nice things and we share many interests. He, however, doesn't give me physical or social attention, ignores me whenever he isn't bored, makes women "jokes" when all else fails to support his case, speaks in riddles then refuses to explain himself, worries what other people think about us, would obviously rather have just a piece of meat to "bang", and requires me to come crawling back apologizing if I want to be in his life again."

I don't know what any of that means out of context, nor for HOW LONG this has been the situation out of the entire year. And I also suspect this is post-fight anger doing a lot of the talking, considering you're actually still IN one, meaning, you're BOUND to be extra negative and over-focusing and apt to exaggeration on the bad stuff. Describe it all in more detail. And give me that Light-To-Dark ratio.

"I've told him, it won't last if this is how it will be. It won't last with anyone you are in a relationship with, because it isn't a realtionship, it's a dictatorship with you at lead. "

WHEN did you tell him this? Just today (during the fight)?

"He refuses to break up with people, but he's indirectly ruining and ending it on his own."

1. That just means, I (the bloke) want you but not if you don't want me.
2. Define 'people'.

Put it this way, you haven't actually said, 'That's it for me, it's already over and I've already dumped him!', have you (actions!). You're saying things like 'not ENTIRELY sure' and having a well-deserved whinge. So why don't you wait until you've calmed down in order to know your REAL feelings and can answer all my questions.

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PS: I know I was ranting about what an instant-dismissable arse he is up there, but that was just my sneaky way to encourage you to let loose more and to switch from self-pity to more empowering anger and self-protectiveness.

I *cannot*, however, whatever negatives you say, ignore the frantic, 'man possessed' actions of his searching three hospitals along with that highly panicked attempt to get you on the phone. So that's why I can see you mean EVERYTHING to him (*too* much, I think) but that he's stuck in insecurity and negativity and acting-out in direct proportion to his strength of true feelings, including (what he sees as) batting BACK.

Had you reported all of that but then added how he'd not even responded to your phone message, leaving it either to you to have to ring him afterwards or his not having chased up on it until much later (say the next day or longer), THEN my conclusion would be, he's a dud, dump him!

Men who don't love you don't go ballistic with panic and worry like that. So this is just about training him and putting paid to his nonsense, and whether you - in situation NORMAL/calm time - can be bothered or not and whether you'd regret it later down the line if you didn't.

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PPS: My husband used to do the silent treatment. (Know that it's a demonstration of how powerless they feel once their aggression tactics have been permanently blocked). Before that it had been the Sword Of Damocles ("do it or we're over" / "ok, then - bye-bye").

The first time he pulled out that tool, I showed him reading material on all the clinical criteria belonging to emotional abuse wherein it featured prominently. Did that do the trick? Nope. When a man feels *too* vulnerable to ending up as the one who'll get hurt thus thinks achieving dominance is the only thing that can protect and save him, trying to reason with them using WORDS can be utterly futile (because they're operating purely on defensive (thick, thick, thick!) ego). So, every big disagreement, out his underhanded tool came.

It took my finally booting him out and then leaving it for longer than he could tolerate (so that he hit the Plea Bargaining phase of Grief) before I finally accepted his contact attempts whereupon THEN I managed to get through his thick skull about how he was ultimately only hurting himself AND managing to put paid to his over-insecurities. That didn't make him "an" insecure type, though. He was only insecure because he was TOO into me and because all past experiences had taught him that the utopian relationship he so hankered for didn't exist and always was destined for ending in tears (his).

Not a peep since. We don't even have barnies any more, just two minute niggles that go nowhere. The rest of the time our relationship is AMAZING. Pure bliss. Still takes more work than the usual, granted, but at least it yields a lot more as well.

I likened the whole experience to having to tame a wild stallion, one who'd previously been handled anywhere between the the wrong way and downright cruelly.

If you, the woman, can hand-on-heart say you're not doing anything to make them feel too vulnerable to eventual frustration and heartache (which, without even realising, I actually was), then you have their exes (and parents) to thank for that. :-p

So that's why you have to use all your powers of judgement to know whether they're wild stallions or mere chocolate-teapot monsters in stallion clothing. And the time for doing that appraising is NOT when you're all riled up, still fresh out of an argument.

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Last night after the fight I called him, explained what I needed from him, but also explained I'm upset because I do care about him and what we have. He never answered my call or message. This morning I texted good morning and said I'd like to see him face to face after I get off work, just for a few minutes to talk. He finally responded "I won't be home", 5 hours later. We had previously made plans and now all of a sudden he won't be home. I asked why, and if he was okay, and he hasn't replied to those either. He's often helping his dad, doing projects, etc, but I don't think he's busy. I think he will be home, and I think I will go over to check, because I know his mom, whom adores me, will be home regardless.

Normally the good to bad ratio ranges between all good, to 60 percect good, but the past few days, it's been about 5 percent mediocre, not even good.

He has been saying I must have bipolar disorder or something, and wants me to get checked out. I honestly think he's the one with the problem, I am just the one with feeling that is forced to suffer through it.

He seems to feel no remorse, regret, or understanding of others feelings, or his own, not that he shows any.
I'm willing to try and get through this, but I'm not sure he will do the changing needed for us to have a chance in hell.

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I've got literally 2 minutes whilst hubster hangs out the washing cos we're watching a film and Sat night is Lovers Night, so I don't wanna risk ending up joining you in Siberia, LOL.

Don't worry about his now not answering your call or message. He's copying YOU (because you've only just finished showing him first-hand how it can work). You're going to have stand very firm and not crack. And this is fair enough because you're not the one trying to take parts of HIS power share from him. He is. So you have righteousness behind you which is the very thing which powers unbreakable conviction (i.e. the one in the right can hold out in Standoff for as long as it takes for the other to see sense and back down/compromise).

I know it means missing out on one Saturday night but, note the important bit: ONE. There will be many more Saturday nights to come so you can sacrifice just one of them for the sake of gaining permanent peace, right?

Shame, therefore, that you chased up this morning. Try not to do that again.

So either- let's say 90% all good, yes? (to be realistic, given how he's not Angel Gabriel himself, LOL) down to 60% on occasion. That's good.

Never mind the the ratio right now. Of course it'll be crap - it's called a fight. LOL

And don't be fooled. He'll be doing his own suffering, I guarantee it. But men are more risk-takers than woman, more used to seemingly cutting off their own noses to spite their face. This is male-style poker which I'm going to coach you through (if you're willing?).

A lot of men DO lack the ability empathise. That's why Taste Of Own Medicine works to well on them, as well as what I call Bommeranging (you duck out of the way of his sh*t so that it comes back full circle onto HIS face). It's not actually rocket science, it's very easily done IF you know what you're doing.

Later, when I've got time, I'll explain why it's so easy with types like these. But for now I'm getting slightly sulky vibes so it's back to the film for now.

Make lemonade out of your current lemon and spoil yourself tonight in order to make the most of it whilst you have a bit of Me Time.

Oh, he'll change, alright. He will if I have anything to do with it. Two against one. Let's see how Mr Would-be Despot likes THEM odds! LOL

Relax and watch telly. Stay off the wine. And DON'T CALL HIM. This is Coventry, grown-ups version. Remember how much better at that we gals were than boys at school? :-)

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I hope your night went well. I was super jealous :P

I took your advice. I didn't go over and try to see him, I went home and curled up on the easy chair, watched a movie with my mom, and slept off and on.

At 8ish, I went back downstairs and looked at my phone to find he had tried to call me, but didn't leave a voice mail, and left me four texts: "what's up?","ok","your package should arrive within ____ dates" (an Amazon order I had placed before the fight), and "hey". I texted back "did you want a call back?" And he said no, then nothing for a good half hour. Then he said "I love you." And I was surprised. He still hadn't brought up the fight at this point so I said "I love you too, but I don't appriciate the mean things you say, just to hurt me." And he simply responded "ok". I left it at that knowing pushing him too far is just as bad as caving in to his demands.

Again he stopped texting for about half an hour, then asked what type of a certain product I'd gotten off amazon. I told him and he said the one I had on there wasn't for my make of vehicle. I asked if he'd cancel it (I couldn't log in due to internet issues) and he did then asked if I wanted the right ones. I told him I'd hold off, because I'm trying to save for this weekend. (We planned about 2 months ago to spend a weekend in St. Louis, visit a bunch of haunted houses, and just have fun.) He responds with "I'm not sure I want to go. We'll probably just fight." And I said " that's fine, it's your choice. I already paid for the room and its one you can't cancel. If you want to go, you're welcome to as planned, but I'm going regardless." He just said ok back and didn't respond anymore. I told him I was going to bed, just to give him an opportunity to say something, but he just said "night". As much as I wanted to text back something questioning and asking what his problem was, I left it alone and went to bed.

I had dreams all night about him, and in all of them the theme was the same: I loved him and wanted nothing more than to be with him, and he was reluctant, but eventually came around to wanting to be around me. I woke up upset, thinking that I never want to loose him, but I want him to feel the same about me, and I'm not sure if he will, or if any guy ever will for that reason.
Maybe I am too much of a romantic and a dreamer, and expecting the same feelings out of him that I feel is a pipedream?

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"I hope your night went well. I was super jealous :P"

You were supposed to be. Think about it. Do I strike you as someone so tactless (i.e. thick), ordinarily, that I'd flaunt my cream cake (note my deliberate choice of phrase, Lovers Night, there) in your starved face *unknowingly*? Nay, nay, and thrice nay. I am extremely good at manipulation (for the power of good).

So that little exercise was to add 10lb to each of your dumbells, both to test your strength under greater duress and at the same time to make you really pump your endurance muscles. This conflict/power-struggle phase is the hardest to-get-over hurdle on the entire road to ForeverTogetherville. You need strength to deal with men when they're being giant prats. That phase is NOT for anyone who isn't running at full strength and cylindry at the time - which is precisely why all over this forum you'll see so many people reporting that their relationship went splat at the roughly 10-12 months point, either because they jumped into the relationship too soon when still weakened by the prior one or because they didn't want the relationship enough to take STRENGTH from that desire.

"I took your advice. I didn't go over and try to see him, I went home and curled up on the easy chair, watched a movie with my mom, and slept off and on. "

...And - look - you passed with flying colours! So there you go - method in my madness and zero madness in your method. :-) And bravo.

But this, all of it?..

"At 8ish, I went back downstairs and looked at my phone to find he had tried to call me, but didn't leave a voice mail, and left me four texts: "what's up?","ok","your package should arrive within ____ dates" (an Amazon order I had placed before the fight), and "hey". I texted back "did you want a call back?" And he said no, then nothing for a good half hour. Then he said "I love you." And I was surprised. He still hadn't brought up the fight at this point so I said "I love you too, but I don't appriciate the mean things you say, just to hurt me." And he simply responded "ok". I left it at that knowing pushing him too far is just as bad as caving in to his demands.

Again he stopped texting for about half an hour, then asked what type of a certain product I'd gotten off amazon. I told him and he said the one I had on there wasn't for my make of vehicle. I asked if he'd cancel it (I couldn't log in due to internet issues) and he did then asked if I wanted the right ones. I told him I'd hold off, because I'm trying to save for this weekend. (We planned about 2 months ago to spend a weekend in St. Louis, visit a bunch of haunted houses, and just have fun.) He responds with "I'm not sure I want to go. We'll probably just fight." And I said " that's fine, it's your choice. I already paid for the room and its one you can't cancel. If you want to go, you're welcome to as planned, but I'm going regardless." He just said ok back and didn't respond anymore. I told him I was going to bed, just to give him an opportunity to say something, but he just said "night".

*****As much as I wanted to text back something questioning and asking what his problem was, I left it alone and went to bed.****** "

...Tsk. What do you need ME for? You don't need ME! You can fly solo and, what's more, loop the loop! So from now on I'm not going to advise you unless you've asked me what to do because you really aren't sure or just want reassurance. Other than that, I'll just get out me pom-poms and go, GIMMIE A P (P), GIMMIE AN R (R), GIMMI AN O (O)! :-)))))

"I had dreams all night about him, and in all of them the theme was the same: I loved him and wanted nothing more than to be with him, and he was reluctant, but eventually came around to wanting to be around me. I woke up upset, thinking that I never want to loose him, but I want him to feel the same about me, and I'm not sure if he will, or if any guy ever will for that reason.
Maybe I am too much of a romantic and a dreamer, and expecting the same feelings out of him that I feel is a pipedream?"

Good. Then that'll have made TWO of you! And I'll tell you how I know:

1. He did the frantic contact attempt again (four texts).
2. He did them at that "old chestnut" hour of night whereby if you answer that means you neither can be going out socially (or you'd have gone already and would be too busy to check your phone) nor just returning from having been out (because 8 is too early). This was him litmus-testing what you were doing, whether you were possibly out on a revenge date with another man (etc.). So obviously he was worried.
3. One of the texts (the third) was him using the Amazon order as an UMBILICAL CORD. Talk about desperate for something to make you feel you HAD to talk to him about?!
4. He said I Love You at a time that must have made it very hard for him to utter. I think it meant sorry (tick!).
5. He said 'ok' (which likewise means admission over not being able to argue one iota with your reasonable stipulation-come-boundary drawing).
6. WHAT he said ok to was your saying, I love you *but*. This phrase says, this relationship is NOT unconditional (because I'm not your mum/you're not my kid). It's Tit For Tat/symbiotic (which means you have to behave yourself or risk rejection, unlike with mum).
7. "he said the one I had on there wasn't for my make of vehicle". This is him trying to offer his services - to remind you of why you need him/the good things he does for you, and to test whether you still WANTED him to behave like a partner to you/to still need him. You basically responded, Yes, I do.
8. ""I'm not sure I want to go. We'll probably just fight."" [1] This is him trying to bring to your attention just how just as much a slave to the conflict phase he is as you... him blaming his primal nature. It's a passive statement, akin to one that goes, 'The vase fell off the shelf' instead of 'I knocked the vase off the shelf'. On the one hand, he's got a valid point. But on the other hand, what he clearly has yet to realise is that we ALL get subjected to the rigours of the whole mating dance on that path to a lasting relationship. So it's up to each of us to control ourselves MORE, not control ourselves less with the excuse of how our normally more honourable selves got mutineered ("I couldn't help it because it was my inner naked ape"). But, despite childish, that still counts as male-style apology and an appeal for clemency. [2] It's also his attempt to seek reassurance from you that it would BOTHER you if he chose not to go. His needing reassurance is the plus point here, but I noted that you gave him that reassurance in a self-dignified way whilst putting the ball back in HIS court where it belongs. :-)

So, all in all - 10 out of 10 to you, and 8 out of 10 for him! (Not bad for a chimp? LOL)

So let him finish his little sulkipoos and shame and embarrassment fest. Because [1] I suspect that's all it is and [2] he obviously calms down relatively quickly (foramaaan). Underneath it all, I think he does mean well yet is so overly into you that he's apt to lost the plot and behave a bit on the extreme side (whereat it hurts majorly and FEELS like abuse).

Yep, you've got your work cut out for you, alright. But big work gets a big pay packet at the end of the day, so it's all good (if you've got a big appetite).

Let's now see how quickly he now recovers. And then see if/when he steps up. But - yep - you're an EFFING fast learner!

Confused and hurt

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This morning I said good morning and told him I was going to be taking my dog, Maggie, to the park. We've done this together since they were very small and he loves Maggie almost as much as he loves me. He At first just said he'd think on it, but later on asked if I had any other plans. I admitted I hadn't and if he wanted to come to the park with his dog, who is just a few weeks older than Maggie, he was welcome to. He accepted and said he'd drive.

On our way, I told him that I didn't like when we fought because it made us both unhappy. I also said that I am going to try harder to keep my emotions under control when I get upset, but that I won't stand putting up with the hurtful things he's been saying. I explained I will tell him when something he said has bothered me, but I expect him to either recant his statement followed with an apology, or explain why it was true and be willing to talk about it.

He said he was also sorry, and to fight takes two people, so it was also his fault.... this is a major milestone for someone who NEVER apologizes.

We had a great day at the park in the wonderful autumn weather, went shopping, and out to dinner.

During the day he'd asked if the trip was this coming weekend (another umbilical scheme) and I told him yes, and he was still welcome to attend if he wished. He replied "sure", which I would have used to taken as an I don't care, but I realize he's just protecting that all too frail male ego and appearance. I just smiled inwardly, satisfied that all is slowly returning to where it was.

I want to thank you for your tough but nurturing words, and although I don't want this to be good bye, I do want this to be a chance for you to enjoy your owown "chimp". I'll keep you posted on the major events, and please feel free to share your advisement anytime, as it is most welcome :)


Happily in your debt, EB

Confused and hurt

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"satisfied that all is slowly returning to where it was."

Not where it was. Where it should have been. Diff/all the diff.

I suspect this has been as much a learning curve for you as it has for him. I think you made the common, potentially fatal error in the beginning of succumbing to the Honeymoon Heroine and luxuriating in the drugs trip instead of keeping your eyes more peeled over the increasing pushing and moving of boundaries on a pushy man's part. Men are programmed to push limits (think moon landing), and if you're not careful, by the time you naturally come down a little from that high you can suddenly realise the guy is now used to taking huge liberties, including feeling he no longer has to impress and please you with PDA and never having to apologise properly, for treading on your toes or pinching you under the table, for fear of losing approval and privileges. Meanwhile, you'd likewise have been too 'up in the clouds' to really be sufficiently self-aware over how YOU were behaving and coming across.

I wish women knew not to do this. It's akin to trying to train a toddler when constantly stoned or drunk and then moaning that you've ended up with a bad hair day on legs or out-and-out jelly to nail to the ceiling. Lucky is the woman that gets handed a well trained man to begin with. But normally, with that being a lottery, you get badly- or under-trained ones. Plus there's always going to be need for customisation. Women should realise that nature provides the golden opportunity to train that toddler into a well-rounded, well-behaving adult-to-be, through the fact of you at the time being the toddler's WHOLE WORLD - sun, moon and stars included - whom they constantly want to please. A wise woman recognises and takes full advantage of it so as to ensure that by the end of it, BOTH parties have a happy relationship to be proud of.

Naturally, the training has to be mutual. But men on drugs tend always to be more 'out there' than women because they're more devil-may-care to begin with (think motorbikes - do-it-yourself suicide kits).

So I reckon that for too long you were too nice, accommodating, generous, self under-assertive or too willing to say yes, and he, naturally, saw the inch you were proffering and started taking a mile. In other words, he got to train YOU. He said what he said about the brother's fiancee because he thought despite you were bound to get upset about it, he'd largely and ultimately get away with it.

However, I think you'd lately - naturally after a year - begun to wake up and re-tighten those stretched boundary lines, yet that bit too fast and jarringly as triggered resentment and powerlessness in him (hence using sex as a weapon by withdrawing it). Resentment is the biggest bucket of cold water on the libido imaginable so what better tool to use than the readily available one when needing a way to counter-control or resist AND gain reassurance over/put to the test whether or not you were mainly with him for the physical side?

I think it's quite obvious that this guy DID once get used for sex by a prior ex and still has a sore nerve/fear over ever finding himself back in that situation, particularly with you whom he cares so much for. Try to find out some time. Meanwhile, it might be an idea to cease referring to it as being BANGED. Try 'making love' and thereby set the new tone of respect as well as simultaneously provide better reassurance for him about what it means to you in the context of you and he.

But don't thank me yet. This is a PROCESS. And no process comprises a one-off incidence. There will be MORE fights until you and he have finished sorting out who gets to sit in what position and when/where in that slightly over-tight love seat, as well as having built more trust about that other person always ultimately meaning well no matter the surface discord.

Fights are not only natural but necessary. They're simply a pan of simmering water that got left to boil over rather than having been more closely watched and tended so as to keep it always gently simmering and under control. Fights - opportunities to address mutual problems in bud format - aka lemons - aren't the problem. It's how and whether you both make lemonade-for-two out of them.

But smiling inwardly isn't exactly team spirit, is it? It's power hoarding. Better to at the next available opportunity COMMUNICATE how pleased you are that he's coming after all and how it wouldn't have been nearly as much fun without him. Listen, just because you don't ever take sh*t, doesn't mean you can't meantime be as mushy-gushy with your mouth as you like on the surface. This isn't ABOUT pretending you don't need and want him as much as he does you. It's about insisting that whenever he whom is loved IS with you, he doesn't use the fact of your loving him as his carte blanche to behave like a twat. Simple que ca!

My own chimp... Ah, yes... Well he did fling a bit of his own poo yesterday, as it happens. We went out for the day in greater London with friends (thames-side market including lunch and a walk), and I was driving. He was supposed to be navigator because my friend in the back, going constantly yack-yack-yack (- not a driver, doesn't understand it demands total concentration under such conditions), necessitated having the Tom-Tom volume turned down. I couldn't hear it so, what with traffic being very hectic (loads of liberty-taking bus and cab drivers) I couldn't rely on the visual display without having to take my eyes off the road, thus was reliant on his instructions.

He kept telling me to turn left or right too late, meaning we'd end up having to backtrack round the whole one-way system. I merely asked him to please pay better attention to the Tom-Tom and give me more notice and - thanks to too little sleep on Sat night (his own fault) - he started having a man-style paddy...that typically non-cooperative type that goes, 'Well, zen, if my X isn't good enough Ah won't do it AT ALL!' and promptly turned the damn Tom-Tom off in a fit of pique.

I just stopped the car at the side of the road with the indicator on and handbrake engaged, turned and just silently STARED at him (my Paddington Hard Stare). Everyone froze and went silent, embarrassed and wondering what was going to happen next.

"What?.........WHAAAT?.....Why you look at me like zat?" (as if he didn't know). He tried laughing. He dried dismissing with me a "Pah!" and French hand flick gesture. Then fake laugh again. No matter what he did or said, I just kept glaring, unblinkingly.

After about 3 straight minutes of this, he sighed, turned the Tom-Tom back on, and said a quiet and respectful, 'Left een 200 yards'. I just smiled and said a clipped, "Thank-youp!".

If I had a Pound for every time he's had to, however many minutes later, grin his wheedling I'm-Not-Annoying,-Just-Cute grin whilst saying, 'Sa-reeee Ah be stooo-peeed, tee-hee', I'd be a very rich woman by now.

What I'm trying to illustrate to you here is that, despite highly rewarding most of the time, relationships are hard, hard work. You can NEVER rest on your laurels.

Ultimately, that nonsense in your car AND in mine was just this in motion: Don't look at him/her/that/those - LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!

Not saying we're perfect, obviously. We have our own she-chimp moments, do we not. Usually during PMT, LOL. But then, you see, Mother Nature is actually very, very fair. ;-)

PS: Next time you're both all loved-up and cosy (e.g. after sex), try to gently get him to confess what it was that originally made him feel bad enough to say those hurtful things in the first place, whether it was something you'd unwittingly done/said or whether he had just had a bad day and thought he could take it out on you.

But anyway - good instincts! If I don't speak to you beforehand, have a great weekend away!

Confused and hurt

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We made up Sunday, as I believe mentioned. The rest of the week was great and he'd ever been sweeter.

(Monday I went to my family doctor of 16 years and was diagnosed and medicated for severe depression.)

Friday evening, our first night on vacation went well. We stayed in, but I cooked us dinner and even got intimate for the first time in weeks. Everything was wonderful.

This morning at about 2am, I woke up, not able to sleep. I didn't want to wake him with the tv and my phone wouldn't get reception, so I went out into the separate living room kitchen area to watch tv (there's a door between the two). With being a hotel, there's only a few channels and all were infomercials, so I picked up his phone which was charging. He had internet, and had never cared before when I used his phone, so I was looking at funny apps, internet pages, etc.
He got a text from Twitter, and without thinking I clicked on it because it just pops up on the screen. I realized it was Twitter and closed it.

Then I had that feeling... the stomach churning feeling that something wasn't right. I clicked back on his messages and scrolled down, seeing the same name twice in his message box, the name of a guy he works with. The last one had only one message and it said it was a picture ad was locked.

The picture was of his ex girlfriend, the crazy one who cheated on him and got pregnant, with the message "shower time butternut.". She had sent it just 4 weeks ago on September 22, and he had it locked and saved her number under a number he knew I would overlook.

Shaking, I kept calm as I went in the next room, turned on the light, ad Sat down quietly on the bed. He asked groggily if everything was okay and I said no. I asked him to sit up, and said we needed to talk. He did so and I asked him if he'd takes to her recently. He said he hadn't and I asked why he had a month old picture of her under a different name. He thinned "I don't know." and rolled back over with a sigh. I again asked him to sit up and talk to me and he responded "it's 3 fucking am, I'm sleeping.", so I called her.

She answered and said it was her. I asked if they'd been talking and she said not for several months. I asked of he was cheating on me and she said no. I apologized for waking her so early and thanked her for her information.
I asked him how long they'd been talking and he said he hadn't talked to her in several months. I asked if it had been while we were dating and he said yes. I asked what kind of talking and he said he didn't remember. I asked him again, thinking he just wanted to avoid it, and he didn't respond. I asked what the picture situation was about and he said she had sent it, went back and forth on whether he'd seen it or not, but said it "accidently" must have been locked (which isn't something you can accidently do) and that I was reading too far into it and I was being too emotional. I told him he could leave then, and he told me to Fuck myself, I could leave, and he'd just yeah the room. I had paid for the room, and I reminded him of it. He said he'd just go remove the lug nuts from my car in that case (I have no idea where this came from, just him trying to be dominate obviously). I said if he touched anything of mine I'd call the police and he said he'd take my car back home and drive it in the river on the way. I at this point started tearing up and asked why he says such vile things and what I had done wrong. He just said it was 3 am and he didn't care. I told him fine, I just wanted him to delete the picture and her number and we could forget about it. He said he was going to be spiteful, keep it for as long as he wanted, and hopped it burnt a hole in the back of me head. I just sat their amazed and muttered "have you been cheating?". He shot upright, pushed me against the headboard with his chest, and was nose to nose and forehead to forehead with me, his face purple he was so angry and yelled "YES, FUCKING ALL THE TIME. I HATE YOU. I WANNA FUCK EVERYTHING BUT YOU NOW LET ME FUCKING SLEEP!"
I didn't see this coming as he'd been half face down in the pillow, half facing the other wall.

I grabbed a pillow and smacked him away. He went to the bathroom then headed to the couch with our blanket. I grabbed my phone and called my mom. I didn't know what to do and I was scared. I explained the whole conversation and meanwhile he yelled at me "I didn't touch you. stop lying. Oh my God." Etc. He grabbed his pants, his stuff, and walked out of the room.

My mom told me to lock the door, so I did and I just talked to her about it for an hour. She asked me to retell her what happened, and I admitted I was clueless as what to do, etc. but amazingly was calm and collected the whole time. I didnt feel and still haven't felt very upset, just confused and slightly fearful of his outbursts.

He came back, was very calm, and said he needed to use the bathroom. I let him, but stayed on the phone with my mom by the front door with it open the whole time. He came out and said he'd like to talk when I was done talking to my mom. I explained this to my mom and sat down in the living to talk. He said that the neighbors had complained to the front desk that I was being too loud on the phone, (even though he had been the only person screaming) and that he didnt appriciate I had not only called my mom but then lied about him.

I asked what he meant and he said I had told her he threw me against the headboard, and that if she or one one else told the right person he'd be arrested and he didn't need that.

I corrected him that I had said pushed with his chest, and he just said oh...

I explained he was never to do anything like it ever again to anybody, and that he would stop being spiteful. I also said he'd learn to communicate (I don't know why I was inciting him back into my life).

He said okay and went back into bed. I followed and asked what we were doing today and he said going home, he needed some alone time. I mentioned I've already bought several hundred dollar tickets to the haunted houses, and another few hundred for the hotel and neither are returnable. He said he'd think about it and decide at noon because "I'm still pissed at you." I left the room, locked myself in the bathroom and showered, then packed all of my things.

So now I'm sitting here in the living room, waiting for him to wake up.
I've decided tthis is a textbook example of an abusive relationship. I'm never right or good enough for him, he's always talking the upper hand, he calls me names, lies, goes behind my back, and makes me feel worthless and guilty, and now he's become physically violent. This is a poisonous relationship that will never get better. He won't have a relationship with anyone without abusing them too (I look back and see that this happened with his last girlfriend, the supposedly crazy one, even though I don't know of he was physically violent with her). He needs some deep self reflection and personal help, maybe along with medication. I also have recognized he's caused all of my anxiety attacks, which have deeply affected my bf depression, and may even be a main contribution of it.

I deserve so much more, and while I wish him well, I can no longer risk my health and we'll being to fixing something that can only be fixed wth professional help, possible medication, and most importantly the WILL to get help.

Confused and hurt

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SEVERE depression? I wouldn't have thought anyone with *severe* depression would have the motivation to post on here, let alone rear up at her bf when necessary or enjoy a weekend jaunt. Are you sure about the severe bit?

Well, anyway...

"Friday evening, our first night on vacation went well. We stayed in, but I cooked us dinner and even got intimate for the first time in weeks. Everything was wonderful. "

Thereby proving there's nothing wrong per se with his libido. Noted.

"This morning at about 2am, I woke up, not able to sleep. I didn't want to wake him with the tv and my phone wouldn't get reception, so I went out into the separate living room kitchen area to watch tv (there's a door between the two). With being a hotel, there's only a few channels and all were infomercials, so I picked up his phone which was charging. He had internet, and had never cared before when I used his phone, so I was looking at funny apps, internet pages, etc.
He got a text from Twitter, and without thinking I clicked on it because it just pops up on the screen. I realized it was Twitter and closed it.

Then I had that feeling... the stomach churning feeling that something wasn't right. I clicked back on his messages and scrolled down, seeing the same name twice in his message box, the name of a guy he works with. The last one had only one message and it said it was a picture ad was locked.

The picture was of his ex girlfriend, the crazy one who cheated on him and got pregnant, with the message "shower time butternut.". She had sent it just 4 weeks ago on September 22, and he had it locked and saved her number under a number he knew I would overlook."

THE MIST CLEARS! So then, her reappearing has confused him, and no human likes confusion and indecision, we all want to know where we stand. So with that the case, he decided to push you to see if you were a sticker/keeper or whether you could "too easily" be made to resign in order to make his making of a decision EASIER.

"Shaking, I kept calm as I went in the next room, turned on the light, ad Sat down quietly on the bed. He asked groggily if everything was okay and I said no. I asked him to sit up, and said we needed to talk. He did so and I asked him if he'd takes to her recently. He said he hadn't and I asked why he had a month old picture of her under a different name. He thinned "I don't know." and rolled back over with a sigh. I again asked him to sit up and talk to me and he responded "it's 3 fucking am, I'm sleeping.", so I called her. "

Okay, that is NOT the right response! It is not the response of a man who cares as much as he apparently should. He should have panicked and jumped instantly to attention, etc.

"She answered and said it was her. I asked if they'd been talking and she said not for several months. I asked of he was cheating on me and she said no."

'I asked the liar if she was lying and she said, no'. Probably on a technicality (not cheated but *have* been flirting and gearing up to it).

"I apologized for waking her so early and thanked her for her information.
I asked him how long they'd been talking and he said he hadn't talked to her in several months. I asked if it had been while we were dating and he said yes."

This explains his behaviour lately. He no longer has to be so careful with you because he's got someone else ready in the wings should you chuck him.

"I asked what kind of talking and he said he didn't remember."

Rot.

"I asked him again, thinking he just wanted to avoid it, and he didn't respond. I asked what the picture situation was about and he said she had sent it, went back and forth on whether he'd seen it or not, but said it "accidently" must have been locked (which isn't something you can accidently do)"

Obviously not.

"and that I was reading too far into it and I was being too emotional."

Hyuh, right. Suddenly it's all *your* fault. (Typical defensive-arrogant reaction.)

"I told him he could leave then, and he told me to Fuck myself, I could leave, and he'd just yeah the room. I had paid for the room, and I reminded him of it."

Good for you!

"He said he'd just go remove the lug nuts from my car in that case (I have no idea where this came from, just him trying to be dominate obviously)."

Just him being a total child, you mean.

"I said if he touched anything of mine I'd call the police and he said he'd take my car back home and drive it in the river on the way."

Okay, this guy's got a big ego problem.

"I at this point started tearing up and asked why he says such vile things and what I had done wrong. He just said it was 3 am and he didn't care. I told him fine, I just wanted him to delete the picture and her number and we could forget about it."

That was a silly, doormat-ish thing to say. No WAY could you ever forget about it, you know you couldn't. Saying that, I appreciate you were shocked and on the spot.

"He said he was going to be spiteful, keep it for as long as he wanted, and hopped it burnt a hole in the back of me head. I just sat their amazed and muttered "have you been cheating?". He shot upright, pushed me against the headboard with his chest, and was nose to nose and forehead to forehead with me, his face purple he was so angry and yelled "YES, FUCKING ALL THE TIME. I HATE YOU. I WANNA FUCK EVERYTHING BUT YOU NOW LET ME FUCKING SLEEP!"
I didn't see this coming as he'd been half face down in the pillow, half facing the other wall."

What a nasty bully! He commits a transgression and then can't handle the shame and guilt so reverts immediately to attack mode.

"I grabbed a pillow and smacked him away. He went to the bathroom then headed to the couch with our blanket. I grabbed my phone and called my mom. I didn't know what to do and I was scared. I explained the whole conversation and meanwhile he yelled at me "I didn't touch you. stop lying. Oh my God." Etc. He grabbed his pants, his stuff, and walked out of the room."

Thank god for that!

"My mom told me to lock the door, so I did and I just talked to her about it for an hour. She asked me to retell her what happened, and I admitted I was clueless as what to do, etc. but amazingly was calm and collected the whole time. I didnt feel and still haven't felt very upset, just confused and slightly fearful of his outbursts.

He came back, was very calm, and said he needed to use the bathroom. I let him, but stayed on the phone with my mom by the front door with it open the whole time."

What a shame you hadn't locked the door. Why on earth did you let him? Because you wanted to get to the bottom of it all?

"He came out and said he'd like to talk when I was done talking to my mom. I explained this to my mom and sat down in the living to talk. He said that the neighbors had complained to the front desk that I was being too loud on the phone, (even though he had been the only person screaming) and that he didnt appriciate I had not only called my mom but then lied about him."

Tough titty. He brought ALL of that on himself! Is this man incapable of taking responsibility for anything?!

"I asked what he meant and he said I had told her he threw me against the headboard, and that if she or one one else told the right person he'd be arrested and he didn't need that."

Oh, is that all he's worried about? - him-him-HIM?

"I corrected him that I had said pushed with his chest, and he just said oh...

I explained he was never to do anything like it ever again to anybody, and that he would stop being spiteful. I also said he'd learn to communicate (I don't know why I was inciting him back into my life).

He said okay and went back into bed. I followed and asked what we were doing today and he said going home, he needed some alone time. I mentioned I've already bought several hundred dollar tickets to the haunted houses, and another few hundred for the hotel and neither are returnable. He said he'd think about it and decide at noon because "I'm still pissed at you." I left the room, locked myself in the bathroom and showered, then packed all of my things."

I'm sorry, but..there's shock/denial reaction and then there's making yourself a doormat. Why on earth did you want to still spend the day with him? Money be DAMNED, should have been your attitude, and wanting him a million miles away from you!

"So now I'm sitting here in the living room, waiting for him to wake up.
I've decided tthis is a textbook example of an abusive relationship. I'm never right or good enough for him, he's always talking the upper hand, he calls me names, lies, goes behind my back, and makes me feel worthless and guilty, and now he's become physically violent. This is a poisonous relationship that will never get better. He won't have a relationship with anyone without abusing them too (I look back and see that this happened with his last girlfriend, the supposedly crazy one, even though I don't know of he was physically violent with her). He needs some deep self reflection and personal help, maybe along with medication. I also have recognized he's caused all of my anxiety attacks, which have deeply affected my bf depression, and may even be a main contribution of it."

YUP! And that's better! Phew.

"I deserve so much more, and while I wish him well, I can no longer risk my health and we'll being to fixing something that can only be fixed wth professional help, possible medication, and most importantly the WILL to get help."

You said it. And - *not* depression, SERIOUS ANGST.

I'm so sorry. But at least you found out now - with a clear explanation for whey he'd been behaving as he had lately - instead of later down the line. Leave this man (spoiled baby) alone with his problems. They're not yours, you've only dated for 12 months or so, you've now seen his true colours in all their glory (gory) and the fact that when he stabs *you* with a knife and you dare yell in pain, *you're* suddenly the perpetrator and unreasonable one and never mind the knife in his hand and your blood on his shoes. He needs his bloody head tested, he has serious issues.

You, on the other hand, can walk away with your head held high, knowing you not only did nothing wrong to deserve such shoddy treatment in the first place, but that you also tried your best to fix it.

Obviously, you're pretty cut up. But do you also feel a large dose of relief in with it?

(PS: the spam-fighting code I've just been asked to enter before submitting is none other than this highly apt one: "hmph5". What were the chances?!)

Confused and hurt

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I started writting him a note explaining I'd left, and he could get his own ride home like he'd insisted before. The straw that broke this camel's back was when he said he'd probably just go home because he was "still mad". He had no reason to be mad at me for what HE had done.

In the middle of the note, I stopped, ripped it up, and threw it away. I knew by letting him find his own ride home was to be the end, I deserved to see the pain on his face when I told him face to face. I walked into the bedroom, gathered up my bags, pulled at the covers, asked him to wake up.... and he jumped up with his huge goofy ass smile on his face and said BOO!!! I started crying, from surprise, shock, sadness, and the fact this is the real guy I'm dating. The one who pretends to be asleep for an hour just so he can surprise me.

The look on his face from pure happiness switching to complete confusion, hurt, and fright made me cry and I went weak at the knees. Like something out of a fucking fairytale, he scooped me up and held me, the look still on his face. I cried so hard, I started having an asthma attack. He grabbed my inhaler from my pocket where he knows I keep it, and helped me take it. The attack subsided almost instantly, then I proceeded to shake manticly like it makes me do. The whole time he stroked my hair, kissed my forehead, and told me it would be alright.

I didn't remember falling asleep, but I woke up to him sitting beside me, a cup of coffee in his hand. The moment her saw me open my eyes he started talking. He explained what had happened with his ex, that the conversion months ago had been only a few texts and was very casual, showed me how his pictures unlock them relics themselves, showed me a text from her that apologized to me for her being rough with me on the phone that morning and that the picture was suppose to go to her fiance not my boyfriend, he apologized for becoming so angry and getting in my face, then he stayed crying, knowing what I'd come in the room to do.

Suddenly this power hungry, name calling, spiteful bad ass was sitting in bed next to me, not only apologizing as fast as he could, but crying like a child who'd just realized he was about to lose the most important thing in his life for good.




It's going to take time for me to completely open up to him again, and he realizes this. He's being nicer than ever, but we shall see if that lasts. He's being told when he says something not favorable, and he's correcting himself. This chimp needs me as much as I need him, and he's finally seeing we're equals and I won't take his almighty shit. He's still got an ego, but he is still male. He's learning to treat me differently than his construction buddies, and the consequences of him stepping out of line.

If it doesn't work out between us, I've come to accept it will be for good reason, and we'll both be better people because we're choosing to take the hard road right now while it looks like it'll still work.

He was right, we did fight this weekend, but not because of me.

If anything I think of this as success for us, and if not, our future girlfriends and chimps.

Confused and hurt

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So what are you justifying his initial over-reaction, including physical intimidation tactics, as? Grogginess?

Oh, come off it. 'Mistakenly sent it to him rather than her fiancee', MY ARSE.

Well, the only thing I can conclude from this is that he deliberately left his mobile for you to snoop into, complete with her photo at the ready (which she sent him as his helpful accomplice in this) because he knew you'd look (has got your number well and truly), which amounts to him playing REALLY dirty to get power over you (trying to get you to fight another woman for him via non-stop attention out of a belief you had a need to). I mean - roping in the ex-now-friend? That's what you CALL a power bid strategy! ..and that this is why he got mad: his ploy not only didn't have the desired effect, but came round full-circle to bite HIM on the arse...and hard! Yep, that explains it all BEAUTIFULLY.

I can then only conclude that having realised he'd been completely and utterly ham-fisted about it thus gone WAY too far (because you were genuinely ready to chuck it and him all in), he saw he needed to back-pedal furiously - including playing it childishly cute to play on your 'mummy instinct'.

Mate, you've got more than a mere chimp on your hands, you've got a chimp with a gun playing Russian roulette with your relationship!!

FINE. He wants to play dirty? SO CAN YOU. Any time he pushes it, have an asthma attack. There we go...Let's see how he likes THEM apples! :-p

Personally, however, I'd be walking away from the drama queen by now (because, this is still supposed to be the Honeymoon period, out of/following which it DOES NOT GET BETTER). Even if just convincingly for a while to put paid to any more ridiculous shennanigans on his part. But, that's me... it's your life.

Methinks that's what you're going to realise, next time, you'll have to do. Extreme acter-outer requires extreme slam-down. You're going to have your work cut out for you, that's for sure!

The only other thing I can advise is to do what I did: the MINUTE- nay, THE SECOND you see even a HINT of a 'bud' of bad/manipulative behaviour or laxness...- *SNIP*. Have you even got the TIME to be that constantly on your guard, never mind the energy?

Confused and hurt

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PS: You're too independent-minded and clever for him, that's what this all boils down to. He's trying to take you down a peg or two as well as and so as to make himself feel less insecure and unworthy.

Bit of a superwoman, are you? Is he not your usual league (even if only where concerns self-confidence)?

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-13