I was speaking to this boy for about a year and a half, I really believes he was the one but obviously he wasn't. Everything was great at first but then his true colours slowly started creeping through, he use to disrespect me, call me name, he made me feel like I wasn't good for no one but I would always ignore it cause I really liked him, and I knew he was a good person deep down, my friends would tell me to stay away from him but that's cause their image conscious people and thought cause they didn't find him attractive I shouldn't like him. I don't know how to word this but I just feel so hurt. I feel lied to, deceived by someone I had so much love for. I just wanted to make him happy and please him but clearly I couldn't do that. I'm so used to him coming back that I'm sat here just hoping fate will bring us together again but I'm just a fool who he's got power over. I don't understand why I can't let him go or hate him when he's done me so much wrong to me. I'm constant crying, emotional, I can't remember any good times of us, just the bad times. I get high to block him out my bed or not cry but I can't keep getting high just to stop crying. He's made me feel so worthless and that I have nothing to offer but sex. I feel violated like he just wanted me for my body. That's what it feels like, he just lied to me to just have sex with me. I don't know how to feel, I just want to be left alone. People think I'm such a strong person but really I just use to block my emotions away , I've never had to deal with my emotions till now. I've always been strong, never gave a single f*** excuse my French but now I don't know how to deal with emotions. All this has brought all these emotions I locked away and I don't know what to do. I'm also still unemployed, forever applying for jobs but still haven't found one. It just makes me feel worthless like I ain't good. I feel like I'm destined to be a failure. I'm 19 years old and still rely on my mum for money. I never have a penny to my name, it's embarrassing. I feel like people always take my kindness for weakness, I don't know how to say no or not do things for people, I have a good heart, I feel like people try make me guilty when I don't feel like doing things for them or I'm made to feel guilty, I feel bad for thinking no in my head. I've never ever said no to anyone who's asked me to do anything. I'm always quick to do things for people but when I wanna talk to someone no ones there. I'm lost in a world, I just don't know where I belong. I need guidance or help. I just don't want to cry or get high anymore
NOBODY is destined to be a failure. It's a choice. You have almost full control over whether you start to experience successes.
Nineteen and still relying on your mum for money is pretty normal. I know YOU think you're an adult because this is the oldest you've ever been (meaning you're comparing 19 to 18, 17, 16, 15 and so on), but when you compare it to 25? You're still a pipsqueak.
You've got plenty of time.
What you feel you HAVEN'T got is enough to do. However, you do. You have emotional time in emotional prison to diligently get on with. As long as you accept that this sentence has an end (2-4 months) and don't start indulging in it thus dragging it out for longer, it's a full-time job in itself. And a job worked at daily lasts only a fraction of the time other people might take at it.
Cry as much as you feel you need to. Cry, cry, cry until you get BORED of crying (you will) and naturally wander off to find something fun and interesting to do. It'll come. Meanwhile, whilst getting all that banked-up grief, guilt, sadness and frustration out of your system, background processing is going on in your head (getting clearer and clearer with each "eye poo" you do as cleans out your thinking system), meaning you'll start to have dawn on you what things you did wrong to find yourself in such a position with such a selfish little prat as him in the first place or whether it had always simply been a case of two birds of very different feathers trying to flock together, clashing horribly on the moral level and failing.
He doesn't have power over you. Your ego has power over you, using him, the thought of him, as its power mechanism. Your ego doesn't like backing off from a challenge. That's great news because it means you can redirect that incredible tenacity and determination to a more healthy target the minute something to apply it to enters your horizon. But the key is 'directing'. You have to have control over your ego rather than it over you.
Yes, a lot of people mistake kindness for weakness. They know that they themselves demonstrate such kindness only whenever they're after something, something instantly-gratifying (his case, regular, effort-free sex), so mis-assume the quality in you has the same etiology thus must likewise be just an act, a con tactic. Pity them their brand of dog-eat-dog reality as lacks the existence of any bona fide altruism. Poor sods.
But don't try to switch your addiction from him to marijuana. Find a more similar and healthier drug. Try dating sites to find someone in your circumstance who likewise needs a medium-term source of weaning-off 'methodone'. Go into this dating expedition with your eyes firmly wide open, do NOT assume the relationship has any scope to last longer than, say, 3-4 months, and obviously neither lead on anyone looking for more than shortish-term friendship with bells on nor kid your own self on that score. See this exercise for what it is: useful medicine for speeding up the time it normally takes to detach and for feeding that maltreated, starved thus desperate ego of yours. Equally, re-activate some interest or hobby you used to love doing *before* you met this pratty little boy - to remind you you were okay before you met him and will be okay again without him.
Meanwhile, start saying no occasionally and ceasing trying to come over so strong. If you ACT like a steel lamppost, you're going to attract nothing but tired and lazy types wanting something to constantly LEAN on, stands [scuse pun] to reason, yes? People don't EXPECT a lamppost to bend or lean back, against THEM; it does anything between making them freak out and run in the opposite direction or discarding you to seek out a more genuine lamppost. Instead be a willowy, bendy tree. You'll attract other bendy trees and find that whenever a strong, cold wind blows from whichever direction, you take it in turns leaning on and pressing up again each other.
Also, prove to your mum you're no hypocrite by ensuring you show appreciation for HER kindness. Use your free time to do the housework to take a load off her. You'll find it very cathartic on all levels as well as will build up your self-esteem by being useful, needed, effectual whilst waiting until you're re-ready for job-seeking.
All in all, try to stop worrying about being worried, guilty about feeling guilty, miserable about being miserable or you're obviously just doubling how bad you feel.