Complicated house mate
Okay all here's my problem.
I'm back in college a month and the first night I had sex with my housemate across the hall. We got on very well and had been sleeping together for 3 weeks. She confuses me terribly though. She was a virgin before we got together and at times I feel real affection from her though I worry it is only because of this. While she can be very sincere and affectionate she can quickly joke about going out and kissing another guy. I put this down to insecurity or naivety and laughed it of. Then she started texting a guy she couldn't even remember from a night out. I told her to stop and she said she was just being friendly. She then arranged to meet up with him for a drink and showed me his messages which made it clear he was being more than friendly. I told her this made me uncomfortable and that I didn't want her to go but she assured me she was just being friendly and went in spite of this. I not wanting to seem controlling shrugged it of. When I found out her friends were talking about this drink with a guy I flew of the handle and she accused me of thinking she was a whore when confronted. She assures me she wouldn't cheat though she has on other men in the past.
I asked for a break to figure out whether I could be with someone who behaves like this without feeling jealous or like i'm being made a fool of. She in turn promised not to text guys from nights out but I think it's just her way to flirt with strangers. I don't know whether to end things. I'm mad about this girl but not knowing where or who she is with when she goes out is killing me. I don't want to be a door mat but on the other hand i'm falling for her.
Any feedback appreciated.
(I can't believe your problem has sat here unanswered for over a day! Why has no-one else pitched in?)
Your problem - and it is yours (she's just reacting to it and trying to put paid to it) - is that you don't admit what this relationship is. You launch in with 'housemate' and call what you and she shared just sex. From there, you don't use the label 'girlfriend' even the once. Yet you sit there alluding to it with such phases as whether you can be with someone who behaves 'like this'.
Like WHAT? Not your girlfriend? End WHAT? Something which according to you doesn't even exist?
It's make your mind up time. You can't expect someone to fulfil and adhere to the duties and responsibilities belonging to a certain role if you're not even willing to give them the title and above-table status to suit.
You can be 'mad about' an FWB.
She's trying to force you to admit you see yourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend, whereupon she'll start acting accordingly. Which is fair enough on her part.
Simple as that.
Stop trying to have your cake AND eat it. If you believe you're her boyfriend, SAY SO STRAIGHT. Once you've 'come out' as her boyfriend, you will then automatically possess the right to feel and behave jealously and possessively (assuming you keep it within reason). Until then, you have zero leg to stand on regarding who she sees, when she sees them, how she sees them, etc.
I didn't respond because I'm just getting too old . . . sex FIRST and THEN you figure out the "relationship"?
(I'm having a hard time figuring out you two do have - except a bootie call.)
No - I don't see the "GF" word in your post, either, althought you do say you are "mad" about her. So Soulmate put it right: unless you declare what this relationship IS, the you can't complain about what she does.
PS - don't be surprised if she dismisses you if you put restrictions on her behavior. You may have awakened a "sleeping bear."
("I didn't respond because I'm just getting too old"
LOL. Are you, Susie? Or is that people are just getting too young?)
At first i thought she was just trying to make you jealous just to get your attention but make it out that if you dont like her it wont phase her but as i kept reading on i realized shes getting attention from other guys and pretty much would grab every opportunity she has on having that attention cause shes never had that amount of attention from guys and she loves it
In terms of you I can tell your her number one but if only she had that attention thing first then you later on...except for her it all came at the same time n im assuming shes trying to hold onto both
Yup. But I think, to be more exact, it's BOTH. I think, given that she feels she HAS to do all this jealousy-making (to provoke him into feeling he should ask her to be his proper, steady gf), she may as well meantime enjoy it.
But I think if flirting/dating around trumped the idea of becoming his bona fide girlfriend and she was happy with having however much of both simultaneously, to ENSURE she got to keep that best of both worlds she'd try to keep him from finding out about it, let alone knowing all the details (courtesy of her campaign 'assistants'). She's doing the opposite: flaunting it. Provocation (into action). And, further - with ref to her summoning the help of said troops, she's evidently becoming desperate.
Its over anyway.
We were going out officially. She asked me to meet her brother and sisters and stay with them for a weekend so I just asked an she was happy. Fact is though she continued to talk to this lad behind my back. Though I asked 4 a break she continued 2 sleep with me an spend alot of time with me. She ended things saying that we weren't right for eachother for various reasons all of which were down to me. Such as I didn't go out with her enough, she goes out every night, and my jealousy. The same day I met her out drinking with a lad. I said hello an she introduced him as the guy she had been talking to previously. This made my blood boil. I told him she had been with me while meeting him. He told her and things descended into a brawl. Now I have to live with this girl for 9 months.
Let this be a lesson to all not to go with a housemate. Now shes a nightmare faulting me for the failure of the relationship with all sorts of criticisms. And I have had 2 drunken outbursts against her during a recent bender in which I called her every name under the sun.
New problem now. How to deal with her and get through the next 9 months.
Well, in that case, it sounds like you've dodged a bullet because it's totally unreasonable to moan to someone about their being jealous and possessive after having deliberately provoked them into feeling such - to wit: "and showed me his messages which made it clear he was being more than friendly." - whilst having first led them on in terms of believing they had a right to feel as they did - to wit: "she assured me she was just being friendly" plus "She assures me she wouldn't cheat".
She has an ego problem and was trying to keep you warm and waiting on the side as her back-up boy (in case her expedition to find a new or actual boyfriend hadn't born fruit).
"I told him she had been with me while meeting him."
GOOD FOR YOU!
(Not sure about the roaring during a bender bit, though.)
"Now I have to live with this girl for 9 months. "
WHAT girl? I don't see a girl, do you? Must be squeaky floorboards or mice you hear. Sh*t, there it goes again! Note to self: get fumigators in.
("It's not like I'm just going to let you IGNOOOORE me, Dan!" (- Fatal Attraction) / "WHO SAID THAT?! IS ANYONE THERE??".
"Now shes a nightmare faulting me for the failure of the relationship with all sorts of criticisms."
People aren't stupid. They CAN WORK OUT what the true scenario was. Mostly, they either don't care and tomorrow you and she will be old news, or they just pretend to her that they believe her for reasons of agendas of their own (trying to win her approval). But they know. And so does she.
Yup, dodged a bullet. Onwards and upwards! And NEXT time, make it very clearly established to yourself as well as with her whether you're housemates with extras or actual boyfriend/girlfriend. That way, the person can't conveniently fill in the gaps of the too-loose brief any which way she pleases. Right?
Well thanks for the feedback.
I can see ignoring her is gonna be the only way to go now after she carried on like she did.
Till my next crisis gud luck
Du ist welcommen.
Not only the only way to go, but you should find it most satisfying. It's revenge, Jim, but not as we know it (plus it's basically harmless).
But how's about you sitting and replaying in your mind the entire tape with a self-critical eye so that you learn apply-able lessons over what/what not to do and how/how not and when/when not or NOT WITH TYPE X, so that there IS no next crisis? Wouldn't that save you a whole lot of time and future heartache?