Emotional affair with coworker
on Oct 23 2014 at 09:25
I have work with this man for 19 years, he is 48 and married, and I am 51 and divorced. During this time we have been good friends and never has there been any attraction between the two of us at anytime (that was known). I recently added him to my FB friends, thinking as a coworker/friends as I have done with several others I work with. Just a friendly chat with him one night a few months ago, he started telling me how beautiful he has always thought i was, and how attracted he has been to me all these years. I replied you are joking and he said no I'm not, well to make a long story short, I blew it off as a joke for several weeks, still he was persistent that he was not joking with me. I have known for many years that his marriage was bad, and he and his wife basically have no marriage they stay together for the kids which by the way are 18 and 17 now, but have no interaction with each other at all. He tells me he loves me and only want, I make him happier then he as been for a long time, and that is something that he says is very important to him. There has been no interaction between us up to this point other then talking to each other on FB. I am finding myself really falling in love with this man, and I don't know how to stop it. He says he is leaving his marriage, that he has only stayed in until his children were of age. I told him I would never do anything to bring pain to his family in anyway. When I try to stop what is happening between us he gets very emotional and begs me not to. I don't know what to do, and I'am in dire need of some good sound advice. He is an amazing, wonderful, gentle person, always polite and considerate, hes funny and loves to have fun, the last thing i want to do is to hurt him, hes been a very dear friend of mine for many years. Please give me some advice on how to handle this situation.
on Oct 23 2014 at 14:35
If you don't want to be the cause of this divorce, then step BACK. He has issues he needs to deal with.
Stay off FB and try to keep your distance. Tell him that you are not able to be with him while he works out his marriage.
He doesn't seem to have the courage to deal with his problems and brings you into it when you want to stop your involvement ("he gets very emotional and begs me not to") Can you see he is USING you?
on Oct 23 2014 at 22:11
Yes, he's relying on you to be his 'therapist' when he really needs professional help to sort his marriage issues. It doesn't matter why he hasn't left his marriage, the fact is, he's still part of it. He's no good to you or anyone until he's completely over his marriage but he has to make this decision himself and follow through with it.
If he's your very dear friend of many years, then you need to tell him what he NEEDS to hear, not what he WANTS to hear.
Sure, he can be a amazing, wonderful and gentle person but he owes to you and to himself to solve his marriage issues away from you.
on Oct 24 2014 at 07:07
Thank you both for your sound advice, what you both said to me, is what I had already knew and had decided to do. I wanted some input as to how to go about it, without causing a bad situation, between he and I, since we work together. I thank you both for you input. I do not get into cheating at all that is the reason I am divorced and I would never cause anyone the hurt or pain that I was caused by doing that, its not me. When I added him to my FB, I have several that I work with that I talk to, as well as their spouses, I talk more to the spouses then I do them, I exchange recipes, etc., this was not my intention when I added him, I thought just another friend on the list. I was really blindsided by it, because for 19 years there was never anything other then work, between he and I. I have set back and done a lot of soul searching over this and I knew that I had to step out of the picture completely, and make him make his decisions on his own. I can not and will not be a part of being his marriage councilor or therapist. I am telling him tomorrow that I can no longer interact with him on FB or anything else in a one on one situation, as long as he is married, if he gets hurt, oh well, he will get over it, hes been with his wife and still surviving that. Thanks again!!!
on Oct 25 2014 at 00:02
I did it held my ground and didn't sway, I told him he need a therapist or councelor to help him with his problems and that I am neither, he got emotional, I told him it wasn't going to work this time. He needed to go sort out his affairs and as long as he is with his wife, we could not have any more contact FB or otherwise. I told him, I understand that marriages fail, however, go try to salvage anything you may have left. I said, if that fails, then you tried and she tried, but I cannot be a part of that. Your family comes first, go work on it.
on Oct 25 2014 at 13:46
Good for you.
Now be at peace knowing that whatever comes of all this, you held on to your dignity and values.
on Oct 25 2014 at 21:38
*** This post has been removed by a moderator - please review our Code of Conduct ***
on Oct 29 2014 at 21:24
you need to read this......WHAT THE LORD PUT TOGETHER,NO MAN SHOULD TAKE APART. You need to lose contact with this man and free yourself from sin.their marriage is not for you to listen to or even try fix.Every person with bad intentions have bad things happen to them,why are you even asking this of another womens husband?his love is not for you and never was.you should be ashamed of your conduct,its a sinful thing your doing.the lord is watching you and you will reap what you sow!spreading yourself to him isn't going to help him and his worldy ways,put yourself in her shoes!what do you have that's gonna stop him from doing the same thing to you in the end?do you not have enough game left in you to find someone else whos not married? you bring shame to women and to your household!!!you cant suger coat it and try say u don't want to hurt him,its not about you or him its about the worlds you tearing apart all because your selfish needs or gapping hole you want filled!ITS WRONG and why even tell him get the fuck offline with him.women like you is whats wrong with the world today.