I have been with my wife now for 20 years. Married for 4 years now. we have 2 children 14 and 10. over the last year my wife has been drinking and it has got a hell of a lot worse over the last 6 months. just recently i came home to find her passed out in the kitchen. right to start from the beginning... I am no angel. I done a few stupid things over the years which caused my wife and i to separate for 7 months. but when we got back together we both agreed to put the past behind us and start a fresh with a new beginning.. well we have been back together for 2 years now but as i said earlier she is now drinking everyday until she basically falls over, but before she falls over she hurls an abundance of abuse at me and sometimes attacks me. shouting and bringing up everything that happened in the past that we both agreed to forget about. It has got to a point where she sees no reason anymore and her anger and frustration is all aimed at me. I know its hard to forget and she still has it going on in her mind but now the tables have turned and she is the one that lies and is now untrusted. I go to work all day and come home to a pigsty of a house. which i clean then make the kids their dinner because she is to drunk to do anything. she got drunk the other week with the neighbours and caused a great commotion and she ends up in hospital for drinking too much. I was not there, i was working a night shift when it happened but i had my 14 yr old son ringing me asking me to come home because the police and an ambulance were at our house. when i arrived she had already been taken to hospital. which left me answering q&a with the police at midnight. this has got to a point where i don't trust her, believe anything she says. i can't leave her on her own to look after the kids.... to be honest.. i don't like her, but i still really do love her. i am at my wits end .. do i ask her to leave and come back when she has sorted herself out. please help me.. i have no-one to turn to for help. her family don't care and my mum and dad have both sadly passed. if it was not for my 2 great boys i would be alone.. Please someone just a little bit of advice would be so much appreciated....
Yes, you do have people to turn to, or what are we - chopped liver? ;-)
First things first...
These 'few stupid things'. Did they include you cheating on her with another woman?
I am very sorry that you are dealing with someone who has a drinking problem.
If you don't want honesty, please don't read this...
It sounds like she is holding on to resentment towards you. When she is lashing out at you while she is intoxicated, she is releasing that pent up anger and resentment towards you. However, she is not doing so in a healthy way. It seems like you two agreed to not bring up the past ever, but she is definitely not over it. You are also not over it because I hear you have guilt. With your guilt, you are not able to help her as she needs to be helped right now. Until whatever she is holding on to is resolved, this will to get any better. You may have to go see someone in order to mediate what is going on between you two and so that you can healthily and effectively communicate. If she refuses to get help with you, you can try to get to the bottom of why she is behaving is such a destructive manner. You may have agreed to brush this under the rug and start over, but it seems like you are full in it. You will most likely have to have someone watch your kids for half a day and go somewhere quiet, private and away from your comfort zone. You do not want to have this conversation in your house or car or any other place like this. The most difficult part about this, is you will have to do have this conversation when she is sober. You want her to remember your effort and the conversation so that she can feel resolve. Remember that you are going to have a lot of patience for this conversation if you choose to do this without a professional because she is going to use you as her punching bag. Please do not get in to defending yourself, you will only then create a defending and attacking cycle from there and the conversation will go off course without resolution.
Please be aware that she my test how far you will go for her since there has been mistrust from you. She may do this as a sign to show her that you want to still be with her. You must create boundaries for this as this can get out of control and start affecting your job and your sanity. Please let her know if this happens that you care about her deeply and then tell her your honest, but brief reason.
You love her a lot, she is the mother of your children and people make mistakes that can be forgiven. She needs to resolve this not only for you, but for her so she can get back to feeling happy and loved again and in return make you happy and feel loved and appreciated.
This may take several conversations to get to the root of what is setting her off into this behavior. You may hear a lot of what you think are "stupid reasons" for her behavior, but you have to keep digging. It's not going to be easy and it's rarely simple until you get to the root. You need to figure out what she is holding onto in order for her to be able to let it go. She most likely just wants to understand some things. Please remember to not give any specific details, as this will not help things and only create more small things for her to hold onto and over analyze.
You have quite a journey together, but I truly believe that it can get better. I wish you luck and the patience you will need in order to accomplish having your wonderful wife back. Just remember to show her you love her and always treat her as #1.
ok coming from a womens point of view ,ive totally been in this situation and sometimes feel like I still am! yes I or we as women do hold resentment to the man we gave our lives to. I believe the foundation of a relationship is trust,honesty,stability and love. when any or one of those things in a relationship has been broken its pretty hard to get it back. words cant be said to make up for any of those things have been broken.they can only be shown, women are visual. meaning we see all, and only our eyes can tell us the truth to what you men are really trying to say. and if you cant show her how sorry you really truly are then she may never see it with jus you saying it.flowers aren't good enough find the things that mean the world to her,the things that have meaning in her life and start from there.
you see with me its moments, time, moments in time memorable moments! we cant take anything with us when we die only our memories. when you started to make bad or sad memories for her you may have lost her then! you should be making every moment memorable for her, look at the things that you did and stop them. if its another women or even another look at another women, take her to a place for jus the two of you at first keep doing that till you have her full attention. then a place with few people show her its only her around, even when other women are around. hold her in front of other women kiss her even if she doesn't want it. till you see her respond to your actions. then take her to a place with lots of people see how she repondes to that if she rolls the eyes or stays away from you shes not ready for that yet! get her out of there right away show her its only her!you see my husband used to blame it on our drugs so I stopped then he blamed it on my alcohol,so I stopped now the only thing he has left to blame is my anger which is where hes at right now!Im slowly starting to realize its just him, hes the one who baught the drugs most of the time and bought the alcohol,now im showing him its him coming into the room jus to get mad and start an argument. all in all he's not happy where he is and im ok with that now!it makes it easier for me to want to cut the strings,but hes the one who hangs on,and for what?IDK maybe hes worried he'll have to pay child support or worried that he'll have to take 2 of his kids,or both!I can totally move on and have told him to leave numerous times jus cause I do not want to live in his misery any longer. yes he cooks and cleans and now he even works but he lacks the responsibility of his past actions. like it should be swept under a rug and not looked at till the next time.my philosophy is people with bad intentions have bad things happen directly to them,and people with good intentions have good things happen directly to them.every intention starts with a choice and every choice has a action,every action has a reaction.what you choose shows a result all we women have to do is sit and wait to see what kind of choice you've made.even if it is with a bottle,you chose for your wife to use that as a coping method to your actions.all you really have to do is ask yourself what you did that made her start drinking?either your going to accept her as she is cause you made her that way or your going to fix it!REMEMBER ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS!I hope it helps her,sounds like shes in a world of hurt, but looks like shes willing to go thru it for you.lol I hope you read this whole thing and I hope you've found a bit of good intentions.may the lord bless you and keep your family together.