Can I be second best?
I really hope that i can get some clarity from putting this post up, i feel like im going crazy somtimes and am at constand battle with my emotions. Hears my story
I met My Partner 14 years ago, i was 18 - he was 20. At this time we were both into going out alot and dabbling in drugs, we both go serious very quickly and althought our party days had not ended, we did calm down alot, to going out on weekends and smoking weed.
we were together 6 and 1/2 years when i found out i was pregnant, befor this time we had no focus on developing in our lives. I instantly stoped smoking weed, and cigs and stopped drinking, this was easy for me. My partner however didnt see why he should and althought he has never been a big drinker smoked weed all day.
To cut a long and boring story short, we are now on our 14th year together, we now have 2 beautiful children together and go ingadged 4 yuears ago.
We have been in a constant battle for pretty much 7 years, as i dont like him smoking weed and he wont quit, we have been round and round in curcles over the subject and im excausted. His mood swings are what get to me the most and i can pretty much garentee that when we have a day off together we are going to have a fall out of some kind, i hate the way this is taking over.
Our wedding is planned for next year and 2 nights ago i hit him with a bomb, I dont wont t get married unless you quit weed, Was this the right thing to do? he has promised that he will cut down, (which he has many times befor) and has said that he isnt willing to give the weed up.
This has made me even more upset, i feel like im second best.
Any advice would be great as i dont know how much more of my own head i can take
He must be pretty confused. For 14 years, it's been OK with you for him to be in a druggy stupor and now you want him to stop. After all this time - including having kids with this guy - now you hit him with the either/or 'bomb" and threaten to pull the marriage plans. His placating you isn't working again, is it? That's how he controlled it all: by "cutting down.'
I doubt if he can stop without help; this sounds very ingrained into his psych and daily routine. Yours too.
And - on to you . . . do you really even KNOW this guy? You say he has "mood swings" - does he get agitated if he doesn't smoke? Have you ever lived with him when he wasn't using? Are you getting tired of the enabler role? After all, it's been a long time . . . for both of you.
Why not ask him to get an evaluation and go with him so you can get family counseling? Sounds like the entire family is being affected. The "relationship mobile" is being tossed around and it will be upsetting to everyone, kids included.
Don't marry him. Your'e not yet married now but he cannot change himself what more when you get married,just live happily with your two children. Before they get a bad influence from their father. If you love him, you marry him.. but accept the fact that he cannot be change forever.
Whether his smoking is a problem depends on whether it detriments one or more major aspect of day-to-day functionality.
Irrespective, there are two bona fide attitudes here:
1. His: He was an advert on legs (as much as you), one which contained all the data to which you were emotionally entitled in order to self-protect and -nurture in the short, medium and, conjecturally, into he future. You accepted the terms of the advert and merely ASSUMED those terms would change in line with changes in life events and situations. They didn't.
2. Yours: It was reasonable to suppose his advert had been put together based solely his present-day life up to that precise point, and thereby perfectly reasonable to expect him to change certain ways of living/behaving as later called for.
Don't kid yourselves you're not married, though. Sod the piece of paper, it's merely academic - you can't get more married than having had kids together. So you are married, FACT IN MOTION.
Do you want a divorce? And is that because your kids are older thus more AWARE of their surroundings and what everything all means? Or are you using your kids somewhat as an excuse for the fact that... when you met you were both in 'wheelchairs' and you wrongly assumed no permanently disabled user would wish to unite with one only temporarily disabled thus destined to one day get OUT of that chair, meaning he had to secretly be a temporarily disabled individual like you?
Well, you can't coerce someone into getting out of their wheelchair if they don't want to. Sure, he may not be genuinely without use of his legs, he may just prefer life in a chair despite his potential and the lack of (as he sees it) suitable incentive. But there's no such thing as potential unless you've seen that potential put however much into actual *use*.
Question: HAVE you? EVER? Therein lies your answer over whether to discard and upgrade for yours and/or your kids' sake, or whether to keep having hope over his ability to self-better.
Next question: If you had no kids together, would you opt to stay with him, warts and all (including this one)?
...all of which is basically the same as Susie's said, but that bit deeper and more detailed.