Wavering and lost trust
I am a young women in the military (a reservist), I have been displaced a lot in the last year thanks to some intensive military training and being called to active duty service away from home.
This Spring my boyfriend of 4 years proposed. The same weekend he had come across the country to visit me at my remote training location I was looking for pictures on his phone (selfies we had just taken) and came across an App I was familiar with but I was puzzled why it was on his phone. It was a chat App, and on the App I saw he was chatting with another young women - she had notified him that a "shower video" was ready to download at a given link.
Previously I had broken a 3 year relationship based on having been cheated on physically and emotionally abused. To say I've developed some trust issues from that experience, is an understatement.
I instantly confronted my current boyfriend about the chat - initially he was incredible defensive but eventually opened up and confessed to being a member on a cam site. He elaborated that he had been on the site years before we met and was using it when he felt "lonely" or frustrated. He has spend some money, but not much, and I did find some flirtatious messages to several girls on the site. The end all was that he was talking to these girls off the site - seeking emotional companionship.
He assures me that it all means nothing to him, just people to talk to, but I feel incredibly betrayed by the situation. He was accessing this site while I was in intensive training - cut off from most communication means for 2.5 months. While at first he denied the site, he then opened up and deleted his account that he had created around 2009.
At this point he said he's 100% done with those kinds of sites and feels terrible to have betrayed my trust. But I'm a realist - I know there's ways to have secret accounts... I still have to live away from home, in a hotel about 2 hours away every week for 7 days at a time. Because of the nature of my job in the military, I, we, cannot seek therapy, or counseling, or I could lose my security clearance.
Fear that I'm not good enough, or that he's splitting his attention is keeping me up at night and causing me horrible distress. He is a very good man, and our interaction is still awesome. He spoils me and is quick to do things he knows makes me happy. He takes care of our home and pets with a level of detail I'm sure most women would kill for. I am 25 and he is 30.
But, I hold back my feelings of distrust because he gets offended. I cannot tell if the offense comes from his legitimate intent to fix himself or paranoia of being caught again? At this point I don't want to get married to the man I've come to love unless I trust him wholly.
Is there anyone who can give me any kind of advice on how to keep an open dialog, how to regain trust or how to make things work? I tear myself up inside while I have to live away from home. I fear telling my family or friends because I don't want to ruin their impression of him, because deep down, I know he is a good person... I can't hope but think that his intense loneliness before we met developed an addiction.
This is a hard call. You say there's an "addiction" - he says he's just looking at porn, which a lot of guys do. These "chats" are intended to drum up downloaded business, not to start up real relationships.
You say "he's spending money, but not much on this." This should be a concern (the spending money to go on sites) but you don't say if it threatens your finances.
You said: "I still have to live away from home, in a hotel about 2 hours away every week for 7 days at a time." Do you mean you have to live away 7 days once a MONTH? That's more of a reservist's schedule.
You said "Because of the nature of my job in the military, I, we, cannot seek therapy, or counseling, or I could lose my security clearance." Seek out a Chaplin to talk to about this. I'm sure they have heard all this before and this is a confidential situation.
Try to get some perspective on this. Ask you fellow male soldiers if they look at porn on the internet. You may be surprised at the answers.
Well, regardless he's talking to other women, who take off their clothing. Your values, and maybe most people, are different from my own.
I live 2 hour drive away from home for 7 days a week at a time (out of a hotel), and have been for 6 months. For another 6 months I was half-way across the country (without leave to return home).
I would consider porn being a video, something detached. Not communicating and spending money on real girls behind a video camera. I understand that they do not invest themselves into their customers - but I know if I was in chat rooms with males getting nude, there would be a problem. I know if I was maintaining long term, one-on-one private messages, there would be a problem.
I look at porn and frequently, I do not have anything against preexisting media, just personalized, catered-to media.
A Chaplin may be a good person to seek out, but I find this situation to be very embarrassing. Which is why I'm probably posting my woes on the internet
I'm in the Marine Corps you can seek therapy , you wont get your secret clearance taken away. I have a secret clearance for my job. Hes showing that hes willing to try by deleting the account and he owned up to it after a little deny at first tho. Guve him a chance atleast i dont think he wants to throw away your relationship after he just proposed to you.