Love Match Calculator

Not Sure What To Do

Posted by
LILLI11
on Oct 27 2014 at 09:10
Member since: 27 October 2014
Relationship advice hey, im in a bit of a werid situation. me and this guy were pretty much a thing, it just wasnt 'official' and our friends kept saying we should date and ask if we were yet and kept pushing the fact. at first we found it funny but then it just got a bit annoying i kept telling them to stop but they didnt. he started to get a bit werid and i wasnt sure why but then he just stopped talking to me and it really hurt...alot. i want to talk to him about but im too shy and hes kinda the shy type too...not sure what to do
Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 27 2014 at 12:14
Member since: 19 August 2014
Without fuller info, I can only make presumptions. E.g., maybe he came to the wrong conclusion, that you yourself must have been feeding their suspicions and expectations? Alternatively, he could have weighed up the pros and cons and decided that it would be easier for him to just stop seeing you for a while until such time as the friends have lost interest and ceaseded with the constant pressuring?

As you yourself haven't done anything wrong, however, 'doing/fixing' is not your remit. It's his rightful (if OTT) decision.

If I were you, I'd just leave him be and move on with my life whilst waiting (without waiting) to see if he at any point comes round again.

Saying that, I suppose there is ONE thing you can do, which is to ensure he knows where he stands - in the form of sending him a text/IM/email to say you're sad to think you might have lost such a good friend and you hope it's nothing you've done or not done? But that's the MOST I'd recommend you do.

Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 27 2014 at 12:15
Member since: 19 August 2014
(tsk! - 'ceased')
Not sure what to do
Reply from
LILLI11
on Oct 27 2014 at 14:16
Member since: 27 October 2014
thats some good advice, though what if i've been waiting almost 6 months and he has barely spoken a word to me and my feelings for him havent changed, and i know i should just give up and move on but want to hold on even though i think he doesnt feel the same and even standing in the same group as him is awkward?
Not sure what to do
Reply from
THE HEARTFUL TRUTH
on Oct 27 2014 at 14:29
Member since: 27 October 2014
6 months is awhile to wait. But if its starting to feel awkward it may be time to let feelings go and move on before you hurt yourself or do something you cant take back to make things worst. If he doesnt feel the same way telling gim how you feel may not always change that. If you feel you need to talk to him. You could possible ask or just talk yo him and see why you may have grown apart. That way you can atleast know you tru
Not sure what to do
Reply from
LILLI11
on Oct 27 2014 at 14:39
Member since: 27 October 2014
I know i should just let the feelings go but i see him pretty much everyday which makes it hard to do so. the way he made me feel was different to any other guy he made me feel special like i was wanted and for him to just dissapear was hard and still is hard. I want to talk to him but i dont have the confidence to actually talk to him
Not sure what to do
Reply from
SUSIEDQQ
on Oct 27 2014 at 20:54
Member since: 27 December 2013
Your "friends" interference with your relationship - and your response to all that attention - may have been a turnoff for this guy. Guys do NOT like group management of their love life, for sure.

Soulmate gave you a good idea about what to do. If you can't muster up the courage to find out how he is, then drop all this drama and move on to the next guy, hopefully a little more wiser.

Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 28 2014 at 11:47
Member since: 19 August 2014
Trouble is, when I said that I didn't know it'd been six whole months.

SIX WHOLE MONTHS? Forget it, LILLY11!

You don't have to be 'official' for your attachment 'strings' to take root in one another. It happens involuntarily increasingly as you spend time together. And breaking those strings (with total cessation of contact) HURTS. So does breaking them by first over-stretching them (via emotional over-distancing). In fact, the latter is worse because it's CHRONIC pain.

If he can live with that (supposed) kind of pain for ONE month or TWO months, let alone six, then there was either woefully little strings rooted in you to begin with or - worse - none, and he simply led you to believe there was in order to get you into bed (whether he managed to finally get you there or not). Or if there IS/WAS pain but he could tolerate it, then there had to have been some pretty big motivator/disincentive in the mix that you weren't aware of (like another love interest outside of that social group).

Put more simply: if a man can live completely and utterly without you ('you' the lover) for 6 weeks to 2 months - and in that time act like all his dialling/typing fingers have fallen off - he can damn well manage it for another 2 months...and another....ad infinitum!

So I think what happened was that the action of pushing and pressuring by your friends, rather than or more than embarrassed him, just clarified for him in his head that he WASN'T particularly attracted to you, and that he worked out that if he used you he'd have an angry posse surrounding him, pitchforks held aloft, meaning he's backed completely off in that way and is trying to AVOID any such confrontation on your part by keeping all verbal interaction (and physical proximity in terms of standing near you, I'm betting) to an absolute minimum. Either that or it's you who keeps trying to stand near/next to him and exchange conversation with him, with him doing as little as he can get away with so as to again avoid painting himself as a complete a-hole.

Were it just plain embarrassment, he could have sent you a private text (because even the shyest among us can manage that).

That's his ultimate action which overlays any preceding action. And it says ATTEMPTED-USER-COWARD. So, as for his effort not to appear like a giant a-hole? *Fail*

From now on, try not to even LOOK at him, or look through him like he's no-one and nothing to you. After all, he set that new relationship tone. If he doesn't like it, he knows what he can damn well do about it, doesn't he :-p.

("So many d*ckheads, so little time")

Not sure what to do
Reply from
LILLI11
on Oct 28 2014 at 14:03
Member since: 27 October 2014
I know i should've let go and moved on a while ago but i did really like him and i didnt want to find another guy until i knew what was happening between us because i felt id be doing wrong by him if i did. But as you said he has been slowly cutting himself from pretty much everything now. Then theres the fact that hes been telling my friends different things, telling one friend that he didnt have any feelings for me anymore and telling another that he did still have feelings for me, which is highly confusing and i dont want to bring it up myself because i dont want to come off as desperate. And i mean when one of my friends said that he didnt have feelings for me anymore it wasnt the answer i was hoping but at least i knew but then to hear he had said to another friend that he did still have feelings for me completetly screwed me up
Not sure what to do
Reply from
LILLI11
on Oct 28 2014 at 14:05
Member since: 27 October 2014
Haha and yes many guys are just jerks
Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Oct 29 2014 at 16:19
Member since: 19 August 2014
So are many women. When I said d*ckhead, I wasn't being sexist. Take a look around this forum and you'll see guys in your however much exact position, sadly. But the perp, whatever their gender, can't take ALL the credit because people will treat you as well or as badly AS YOU LET THEM. The trick is to be more Simon Cowell-like: judge with your head first and, *only once it's sounded the all-clear based on proper assessment effort*, unleash your heart into the proceedings.

If you can take on that objectivity of attitude, you'll put paid to having to 'wait and see' ever again. (Well, moreover - even Simon isn't infallible in that respect; even your psychiatrists find themselves duped from time to time, believe it or not.)

But as far as I'm concerned, your friends threw you a bone. They obviously felt the need to communicate to this guy that it wasn't going to be a case of one against one but one against you AND YOUR POSSE. They thereby showed they look out for you, and helped you to dodge another bullet. GOOD, CLEVERLY-INSTINCTUAL FRIENDS! :-)

As for his mixed messages: he's obviously just customising whatever return approach he can gauge whichever one individual friend will likely be satisfied with, based on whatever starting attitude they conveyed in how they phrased their initial questioning. Chameleon-style player, no doubt about it.

But it's good to practise growing wisdom on d*ckheads. Saves you from making mistakes with someone worthwhile whom you'd be REALLY loath to lose. So even d*ckheads have their uses, eh. ;-)

Not sure what to do
Reply from
LILLI11
on Nov 1 2014 at 05:38
Member since: 27 October 2014
Thanks SOULMATE you've really given me some amazing advice that has cleared things up abit. Hahahaha well yah d*ckheads do really have a purpose if you put it that way hahaha
Not sure what to do
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Nov 1 2014 at 15:39
Member since: 19 August 2014
You're very, very welcome and thank-YOU for demonstrating via such rare and lovely manners/considerateness why your friends see you as such a protection-worthy commodity. :-)

I think this is the bit where we're supposed to have a girlie hug. SO I'M OUTTA HERE!!! LOL

;-)

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