I'm not trying to post a woe is me thing, but I seriously don't know what to do and I feel like I have nobody to talk to anymore. I have a very dysfunctional family. When I was a kid I was physically and emotionally abused by both my parents. My parents used to make my older brother raise me and my younger brother and take care of us because they were too burnt out to watch us themselves. If they weren't doing that, they were pawning us off on babysitters that used to physically abuse us as well. I could get into the horrific details of what was done to us, but I don't want to relive it and it's going to take a while to write all of it down. My
Arenas used to also physically fight and argue all the time until the day they divorced, and for a long time I didn't see my dad after a while and I couldn't understand what was going on. I developed severe emotional problems when I first started kindergarten because of all the abuse going on with me that all adults that seemed firm and stern with me scared me to the point where I was terrified to talk to them while they conducted an Iq test on me, so I failed it and for almost a year, I was classified as mentally retarded until my mom beat it out of me and then I was considered of average intelligence.
Around the time I got out of kindergarten, my dad finally came back around permanently and didn't pop in and out of my life for the first time in almost two years and he was married to another woman with four kids. But my mom still wouldn't let my brothers and me go to see him and instead I would go straight to my babysitters house where she would whip me with a belt for no reason and pull on my hair, and do other horrible things to me. I would tell my mom and when she confronted my babysitter I would get my ass beat the next day by her for saying anything, and then my mom would find a reason to beat me at our house. My dad started getting visitation rights of us, and unfortunately it got to the point where he was abusing us too, and constantly going on about my mom, and mentally abusing us. He used to make us look in the mirror and tell us how fat and ugly we were.
I've been carrying a lot of social stigmas with me from it for a long time, and it carried on with me throughout school and I was made fun of horribly as well, and picked on, and people used to try to jump me. It got so out of hand that I tried to kill myself when I was fourteen, but I never got the proper counseling I needed because my dad would take me out and tell me I didn't need it. Around that time, I got raped when I was fifteen and told by my parents that they didn't believe me, so I got in trouble for something I didn't do and they never let me live it down. I never ever got a chance to be a child because I was constantly accused of doing something that I didn't do and was never allowed to have friends but I had to wait on my mom or my dad hand and foot like I was a slave. There is a fine difference between chores and being someone's servant, and to me, cooking for them, cleaning their room, and their whole house, an doing their laundry, and getting up yo get them am up of water when they are the closest to the kitchen is being treated like a slave. I have always felt like a slave and a punching baby I my parents rather then a person Or their kid. And if I wasn't dealing with that I would have to,listen to them argue and fight with each other over who has to buy this or that. There are instances in my childhood where I showered without soap and shampoo, I was sent to school with two outfits to last me the whole year, I would go to school hungry because I didn't get free lunch, and if would go home hungry until my mother came home late at night with expired food.
I would get made fun of and told that I stink because I wouldn't even get deodorant from either one of them, I would get made fun of for only having two outfits, and I would get made fun of for my stomach growling in hunger because I was fat and overweight. By the time I hit sixteen, I was told a pretty much it had been obliged that I had to hurry and find a job because my parents were tired of throwing money in any of us, and while the whole time I was able to buy stuff for me, and food for myself, they pawned my little brother off on me and almost made in an obligation for me to take care of him As well, feed him, clothe him, make him feel happy, etc. there was a point where I took him to get a hair cut and I paid for it and they thought I was his mother.
I was dealing with so much stuff emotionally and so much pressure that I snapped and I ran off when I was nineteen and I had pretty much been bouncing back and forth since then and now I am 25. I developed a drug problem to numb my emotions and how I feel about things since I never got proper help from any of this. I'm trying my damndest to turn my life around and I'm getting ready to graduate from school, but my parents have denied everything I have confronted them about and they still make it out like all this stuff that has happened to me is my fault when they drove me crazy to the point where I had to self medicate with drugs. They don't understand how I feel and they never do, and then act like they never did anything wrong to make me the way I am today.
They have stressed my older bother out so bad that he might have liver disease and die because of all the years of stress and hypertension he has gone through, and my little brother is angry at me and hates me now because he doesn't understand what My older brother and I went through because our parents never took any issues out on him. Everyone is pretty much making me out to be the bad person in all of is and they are denying all their faults.
My family has destroyed my three year relationship with my boyfriend and we have been in out of homelessness and being able to stay somewhere because they have an issue with him even though he has been there for me to emotionally support me, and he helped me get off drugs. He has been more supportive of me than any of them have for me and all I want to do is get my life together in peace and they are still turning everything around on me like everything is my fault, in yet they proclaim innocence on their end and blatantly deny everything they have done to make me feel the way I have and make me want to run off so much. I'm too the point where being around them just make me physically Ill and being around them makes me want to hut myself.
I just want to pack my stuff and leave and head out somewhere out of state and never get a hold of anyone again. But I cat do that to my brothers and I just don't know what todo anymore. Because of all this I can't make an emotional connection anymore to people, my own family, and even my own boyfriend I really don't know what to do anymore...
What would you do?
I would make sure I had my own life jacket on before I tried to save someone else.
Do you get what I am saying?