To let myself fall or to pick myself up
DOLCE - Oct 28 2014 at 01:11
Hey there everyone, I really need advice on this and see if anyone went through the same thing as me.
So there's this guy I just became friends with this year. We're both in college and live near each other. He's been into my roommate for the past couple months but she rejected him cause she already has a boyfriend. It's clear he's still into her even though he says he's not. A couple days ago, one of my new friends was having problems with him because she likes him but one of his friends likes her so he decided to back off. He said that he would only date someone that he can see himself marrying and he's only interested in casual stuff right now. He's been under a lot of stress and he didn't even go to the homecoming game with us which was around 2 days ago.
During the game, I was under influence and whenever I get like that, I become more affectionate. That lasted even after the game ended and my suitemate and I met up with him to get some Chinese food. During that time, I kept voicing out how I wanted to cuddle with someone and when we got back to my place, he got into my bed and I wrapped my arms around him and he was holding me tight. My suitemate was there but she left around 2 in the morning and he decided to spend the night with me.
We cuddled for awhile which led to us spooning and I could feel him getting more intimate. I knew I haven't quite sobered up yet and he didn't try anything until I said I was. He kept dropping hints about wanting to have sex with me. . .And I don't know why but I did it with him. He told me beforehand that if we did something casual that I shouldn't get attached and I told him I know.
The next morning, I was left feeling a bittersweet taste of regret. I've told myself time and time over that I would only have sex with a guy who feels as strongly for me as I do for him. I do find him attractive and we can both be ourselves around each other but I know that he's still more attracted to my roommate than me. By having sex with me, I assume that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me especially with what he said beforehand.
The day after, We went to see a movie with two other guy friends and all we did was discreetly hold hands and I just don't know how to feel about this whole situation. I want to go on with my life like how it was before we had sex but I can't help but feel confused on how to act around him. None of my friends know we had sex and I guess that just makes it more strange for me.
Like, should I even hope that he would ever show an interest in me ? Should I even try to spend time with him or should I just distance myself from him for awhile ? The thing is that I know I'll see him this Friday because we're both invited to the same Halloween party and I just don't know what to do around him when he's there. . .
I don't need advice on how to get to know him. Like I said, we're comfortable being ourselves around each other so it's easy for me to talk to him. We're already friends and of course there's room to get to know him. But what I'm having problem is how I should act around him when I have this feeling of confusion left from what we did. I want to act like it was nothing like he did but it's harder for me to.
The casual sex has done your head in. Take two steps back and realize that you allowed alcohol to cloud your thinking. You state that it makes you more affectionate but why can't you be affectionate without it? Why do you need it to be the real you? Alcohol doesn't lie and now you find yourself in a dilemma where you are left feeling confused about another person and confused by your own actions. That bittersweet regret.
He wanted to have sex with you and basically said by his actions that he would use you for sex if that's okay with you. You, under the influence, allowed it to happen. You have basically made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
Recognize this as one of life's learning curves and as you get older, you will mature and look back at this situation as a lesson. The trick is, when you make a decision about sex with a guy, you need to stick to it and avoid situations where your resolve could/can be threatened. In other words, be true to yourself in every way.
If you 'hang' with this guy, he will 'strangle' you as well himself.
Don't ever hope that he'll show interest in you. The way you should act around him is the way you acted around him before you had sex. Move on to someone who has feelings for you that are equal to your feelings for him. In the meantime, quit drinking so much; as you've proven here, it just leads to trouble.
(Manalone, you're back! Where've you been for so long? We missed ya. :-))
so he is holding hands with you in public and at the same time he says he's just in for sex? Sound kind of immature to me...nevertheless you shouldn't feel too sorry about it. Most important thing is to learn from it and as a man let me tell you: if he really wants to be with you, he will make the moves. Don't do anything that makes you look like you want him really bad, because it will scare him and it will make you look weak
Yes, Tombeck, I also noticed that seeming contradiction in actions. But I suspect he can sense she has hope for something greater than convenient sex-on-tap (always, I'm betting, at his behest and convenience) so is feeding that hope with relationship-style gestures of affection, i.e. leading her on to ensure she remains available sexually for if and whenever.
Agree he'll make the moves if he has a mind to. Agree any moves on her part will put him off. DON'T, however, agree that by showing interest, she makes herself look *weak*. It can't be called weak to behave according to ones most fundamentally paramount human programming towards finding a steady, long-term mate because it's not weak to follow your no. 1 purpose for having been plonked here on this planet (i.e. mate and procreate). Rather, it's this boy who's showing himself as weak, specifically that he wants job perks without having to do any of the actual WORK. He thinks it's possible in life to have ones cake and eat it. Wrongggg! And life will one day SHOW him how wrong.
Dolce, don't agree to sleep with him again unless he knows your hourly £ charge! If he insists on TREATING you like an escort laid on exclusively for his benefit, he can damn well pay the going rate. :-p
Furthermore, the fact of the matter is, it takes on average 12 hours minimum to sober up and thereby be considered fully consensual. So I'm not surprised you 'don't know why you did'. You were pissed and the slimy little toad took full advantage of that fact. As far as I'm concerned, that's encroachment into date-rape territory (and certainly any court would view it that way). Not suggesting you use that info to create some melodrama (cos I'm sure you're better than that). Just saying.
Find yourself a NICE boy whom accordingly is prepared to put the full effort into this world and the people who inhabit it out of understanding that you reap what you sow, not a constantly mentally lazy, corner-cutting cheat (and slut).
So stop subconsciously trying to pit yourself and your allure against your female roommate and show a bit of self-respect and -discipline by reverting to and strengthening your vow to 'only have sex with a guy who feels as strongly for me as I do for him'. Just because she happens to be more this guy's particular cup of tea (despite she seemingly has more sense than you in that regard, given how she's rejecting the idea of him) does NOT mean you aren't the precise cup of tea to MANY more young men out there.
Show the world you value yourself and other people will follow your lead. That's how it works. And it's most attractive, particularly to men.
How you know behave around him is exactly as you would had it been true that you'd used HIM just for sex. It's called turning the tables/taste of own medicine. Let's see how HE likes being on the end of that, eh. :-p