Falling for my boss seemed great at the time...
Hi, I'll get straight to it I have a feeling it'll take you a while to read this. Basically back in May I started my new job, I automatically liked one of my bosses he was older funny made me laugh and smile he was so genuine and sweet. Then he asked out one day I agreed and then from then we formed a relationship. I'm 20 just turned and he claimed he was 31. My bestfriend is seeing someone who I work with so I thought it was a good idea to go out and double date. Only my boyfriend never texted me back on the day and never answered my phone calls, so me, my friend and her boyfriend went out without him. On the way out my friends boyfriend told me my boyfriend had lied about his age and he werent 31 he was 36, which I thought was strange I mean why lie about your age? Before we arranged the double date the three weekends before he disappeared all weekend he never rang, texted or answered my calls, but he always gave me excuses and I believed these excuses as much as I didn't want to because deep down I was thinking he was cheating but I still believed him. Anyway back to when I got told about his age I needed to go and confront him so I went to his and he came outside I asked if he was cheating on me all he could do was put his head down and say sorry, I also asked about his age, he didn't say nothing but sorry. So I started shouting again all he could do was say sorry that he had fucked up, also while I was outside with him, this girl he was cheating on me with was inside all along. Which explains why he didn't text me back or reply to my calls. So all last week he never came to work but I did I was really stressed with everything what had happened to previous weekend. Then on the Sunday that's just gone my dad had to rush me to hospital because I was in agony and I was loosing a lot of blood, the hospital did different test and confirmed I had, had a miscarriage. I was devastated because I love kids and have always wanted them just waiting to find the right person to have them with. This has destroyed me, I told my ex about this and he didn't say nothing. I ended up going to work Monday which wasn't a good idea because I had to come home within an hour because the physical pain was too much, and my ex also my boss came to work finally and he never even asked if I was alright. What hurts me the most is I do love him, he was the one planning my future wanted me to move in with him, have children, book holidays together, but all along he was cheating, he was seeing this girl before me which hurts again because he got into a serious relationship with me when he already had someone. He also told me he wanted to be with me forever, now I know what you're thinking I'm just some gullable idiot but the truth is he's a man not a boy so I had no reason not to believe him. I am now not sure what to do, I'm still grieving for the loss of our baby which hes shown no remorse for and now he don't even look at me or talk to me at work what can I do?
The things that jumped out at me were:
1. The fact you pre-emptively apologised for the length of your post (when it wasn't even a particularly lengthy one). This smacks of under-entitlement and over-accommodation in the style of a control-freak who's been conditioned to self-suppress as well as to do whatever portion of the other person's remit to avoid "inevitably" ending up neglected and disappointed. What I mean is, it's not your job to criticise the length of your opening post, it's ours (were we even that rudely liable to).
2. The very first characteristic you mention is 'older'. The second that he was funny, made you laugh and smile. The last, that he was so genuine and sweet.
Best is saved for last.
But evidently, he WASN'T genuine. So this should tell you that you slipped up during the 'interview' process and didn't put his sincerity enough under the microscope before you offered him the job of boyfriend. Is this initial procedure in the entire mating process, commonly the point at which you let yourself down as 'interviewer', would you say, as leads to inevitable 'firing' or 'resignation'?
3. Good for you for having gone out without him (good sign re your resilience and independent-mindedness).
4. Surely it's not rocket science to suppose he lied about his age in order to lessen the age-gap and thereby the likelihood of his being married and so minimise the chance of your refusing to date him based on both in the first place?
5. You needed to confront him, WHY? Surely if he'd been proven a liar over something supposedly as trivial as his age, it was more than likely that he'd feel free to lie over the bigger stuff?
6. "this girl he was cheating on me with was inside all along". So is that why you shouted - so that she'd overhear?... your way of getting revenge on him?
You said you sensed he was cheating. Don't you suppose she'd sensed it too?
7. "So all last week he never came to work"
What a yellow-back.
8. I'm so very sorry you had a miscarriage, but do you not see how nature did you a favour, given that this guy was absolutely NOT 'the right bloke that you'd been waiting for'?
9. Do you see how this speaks volumes about why you rush the interview process and end up with pigs?: "I love kids and have always wanted them just waiting to find the right person to have them with."
You rush and therefore 'surface swallow' and act upon myths such as this one: "but the truth is he's a man not a boy so I had no reason not to believe him."
Now you know, don't you. Age has absolutely nothing to do with maturity. And ESPECIALLY not the emotional kind.
10. You can do NOTHING, there is nothing you CAN do (apart from get through your grieving process and count yourself lucky(?) that he's at least decent enough not to find some pithy excuse to fire you from your job).
Good for you that you're such a mover-shaker, a doer. But you need to learn what IS in your control and what absolutely isn't and never is.
...starting with...The only thing you can do or are at liberty to do, is learn how to avoid putting or finding yourself in this position EVER AGAIN.
We live and learn, as the truism goes.
10. So, then. What are you going to ensure you do/fail to be tempted to do come the next interview for the job entitled My Boyfriend Come Potential Husband & Father Of My Child/ren?
Trust me, you make a vow to yourself to never again allow yourself into victim territory like this, and you'll find this dual-edged grieving process a whole lot faster and easier.