But one think that comes to my mind, when I read this is that maybe you are not satisfied with your performance or something, else you wouldn't worry about it too much. what do you think?
I guess sometimes I get bothered or angered thinking does she miss that or was he bigger or better looking body... Stuff like that, does she think about that and stuff... :/
Conversation, wholly genuinely truthful/from the heart, from Sat night with my husband:
Him: What if I got into some accident that left me paralysed and unable to have sex ever again? Would you want to have sex with other men?
Me: Like you know, I've known sex with plenty of other men in my time and because I wasn't truly, genuinely crazy in love with them like I am you (just kidded myself I was at the time), nor them me (ditto) as translates through such bodily actions/interactions, there was no accompanying mind-sex to make it a two-fold and FAR more heightened experience, meaning it didn't compare in the slightest... so why on earth would I want to go from New & Massively Improved back to Bog-Standard, Wishy-Washy? How is that going to satisfy my newly ingrained need for the Extra-Extra Sex you've since got me too used to to the point of no return? Two, it's not about sex any more, it's about special interaction with YOU, so unless you could somehow transplant your mind, face and body into theirs, what would be the point? In short, you and I ARE sex. So if sex had to stop, then stopped it would be.
Him: Good answer!
(What followed is censored, heh-heh.)
Other past questions of his have included yours about was he bigger or had a better body or todger, blah-blah. My answer to that was, I wouldn't give a sh*t if some rusty bicycle had a bigger or shinier headlight than you, my BMW Sports Car.
Exes are exes for a reason.
So the REAL question here is: Are you and your girlfriend IN-LOVE? If so, then, Nothing Compares 2U - 'warts' 'n all (which should be your attitude, as well).
Anyway, it's not length - that's a myth (spread by men who don't understand how women's internal bits work). Assuming to begin with you're not so lacking in length (when erect) as to be considered deformed - it's *width*, or failing that, what you *do* with it, that makes the difference.
The SECOND real question is this: why aren't you having this conversation with your *girlfriend* like my husband does with me? Do you LIKE having an immaterial and purposeless continuous-loop conversation with your own negative imagination or what? What IS that 'anger' - mental self-revving?... foreplay??
Maybe I am selfish and open to accepting that slap in the face truth...as I said this is a real concern.
Soulmate - I have talked with her but idk if she is being honest you know in a way trying not to hurt me or whatever. And bigger I meant it all longer and/or girth. I'm sure she doesn't dwell on it but like I said when I get upset or just start thinking I honestly wonder. And you're right if she loves me it's not all about sex, but does that take away the thought of remembering...idk. It's not her issue, it's mine.
Ceeceemk - like I said I'm not worried about performance... I make sure she is satisfied completely. At times i wouldn't even finish or even have intercourse and made it all about her. It was an honest and concerning question.
Maybe guys are the only ones that think about this, but you've never sat there and thought about how your ex handled you at times you're upset or in the mood? Or a guy you might be with, you have never thought about girls he has been with and how he handled them or what his ex's may have had that you don't?
Please know I don't dwell on this but just curious and during hard times I think weird I guess.
I'm very male-brained thus sexually competitive and territorial, BBOY, so, yes, I'm prey to these sorts of negative thoughts as well, it's not gender-exclusive. But I think, whether it be innate, conditioned-in or situationally-reactive, insecurity always plays a large part.
My husband *is* more insecure than me - as well as far more sensitive - always has been, probably always will be, so is more susceptible to these and other sorts of emotional wobbles, whereas I tend to sort myself out more in private/in my head if/whenever they strike, going on to sharing them and asking for his reassuring input only if I (rarely) fail. So I think it's safer to say it's a symptom of whether one is a people-dependent pack animal who needs the help of another person to sort through their thoughts versus an independent, 'cat'-like type blessed with the knack of holding such a conversation with themselves (their more sensible side). But obviously, it's BECAUSE I can first-hand relate to and empathise with his occasional wobbles such as this, that I take the time and effort to give him such full and detailed responses/explanations (and same for him with me).
You sound younger than us, though, thus probably haven't been through the relationships mill as much, as tends to *teach* you to always put in that kind of effort or, indeed, to pick up on whenever it's called for in the first place.
It's probably not even your sex-life per se that you're concerned about. More you just focussing on something 'tangible' to provide an explanation for your disquieting reservations due to the real reason as yet eluding you, with you naturally being uncomfortable with not having a clear-cut, insta-answer, like everyone.
"I have talked with her but idk if she is being honest you know in a way trying not to hurt me or whatever."
Well, I can't really comment unless you replicate the actual conversation, as closely verbatim as possible. If you can, I'm sure I could get a good feel [scuse pun, LOL] (because it's one of my fortes). Alternatively, tell me what it was ABOUT her response, specifically, that gave you cause to suspect that? Did she seem reluctant to talk about it for as long as you needed to? Or could she just be shy about such conversations? Or was it her tone or body language? What?
"And you're right if she loves me it's not all about sex, but does that take away the thought of remembering...idk."
Despite much less than when hub and I first got it together, I still occasionally sit and remember my most recent ex. But meeting Mr Vastly New & Improved certainly helped to put that old relationship into truer perspective, as well as that much faster, meaning, they're never *flattering* thoughts (au contraire!). It's natural for either gender to get triggered into recalling situations and how things stood in various different areas with the ex because, of course, the mechanisms we beans use by which to measure our happiness or sadness *are* contrasts, comparisons thus expectations. So if you've got a new yardstick in the form of a new partner, using it to measure is precisely what you do.
How OFTEN you make those mental comparisons depends a lot on how young the new relationship is, though. So how long have you and she been together?
I'm 31 years old and our relationship has been most of my life...about 17 years or so. I know! Tell me about it... Anyhow we have broken up, got back together, broke up, back together...you get my drift. Now married for 9 years. When we have talked about it, she basically tells me she doesn't remember because I ask for details. Now that I think about it...and not tryin to be a perv but I'm above average in length and girth. Anyhow I had to say that first. Back to...Now that I think about it, I believe this all may be because when we were teens and sexually active having the typical teen relationship of fighting and breaking up and getting back together...she told me I was small!!! . Not cool. I didn't think I was lol. So I guess remembering that and knowing she's been with other men...kills me some times. Yup that's it... sad.
Okay, so you're not THAT young and neither is the relationship. I guess from the nature of your original question I thought you were younger, despite I now see your question to her wasn't actually about your size or performance per se, but a deeper issue.
But you can't say WE have broken up and got back together because, unless you're conjoined twins who experience the same thoughts and statements simultaneously, one person is always the initiator. And whomever that is, tends to be the (only comparitively-speaking) insecure one. However, by making that insecurity manifest and foisting it onto the other party, you render them likewise more insecure and less capable of trusting than otherwise might naturally be (unless they're so independent-minded and healthily self-esteemed as to remain impervious during the break or have the ability to very quickly bounce back). So then you end up with BOTH parties infected with the problem and BOTH acting-out.
She MIGHT have genuinely forgotten (because it is a long time ago) or she might, deliberately or unwittingly, be slightly *withholding* that form of reassurance whenever you ask for it. She could do that if she were the insecure instigator (treat him mean, keep him keen) or equally where she's the 'victim' trying to use sexual reassurance as a weapon because she feels too devoid of any other normal defense measures compared to you and needs some way to level the security playing field.
As for her telling you she was small: there you go: "Need a weapon to bat-back with, haven't got any, sh*t - will have to use THIS!".
That's the trouble isn't it. Once said, it's very hard to take something back. And if this kind of missile is par for the break-ups-not-break-ups course, you can start to wonder which one is real - Ms Jekyll or Ms Hyde - and which things they've come out with are truths and which are lies. (And possibly same for her with you.) And even if that sort of immature malarchy is firmly in the past - any time you're down or low or a bit bored with the day-to-day running of the relationship without enough legit things to think/worry about, back those echoes come.
The solution is actually very simple:
1. Learn to like and accept yourself enough to think 'I'm gorgeous so anyone who can't see it is either lying or isn't enough of my feather to appreciate that truth', and always take Pow! as OW! disguised out of cowardice behind Pretention (P), having worked out what might have caused your partner to feel like hitting out at you or just someone/anyone/you're nearest, you'll do.
2. Ignore the words and always take stock of the ACTIONS. This case: 7 years and choosing to marry you followed by 9 choosing to STAY married to you. She could scream in your face that she thinks you're the ugliest man alive, yet that would only beg the question, then why has she stayed married to the ugliest man alive for 9 long years, what is she, BLIND? THICK? THE UGLIEST WOMAN ALIVE? ALL THREE?
But what brought ON this old and, you'd think, obsolete wobble? When you say 'other men', are you talking about, during these BREAKS? (..Echoes of Ross from Friends saying, 'But we were on a break!')
Ah Hah! Now we get to the crux of the issue (or the crotch of the issue)
"when we were teens . . . "
Please keep remembering this. She knew JUST what to say to make a teenage boy wilt, didn't she?
Now you are a man and can put those provocative teenage remarks right where they belong - in the past.
Now . . . take your wife out to a romantic dinner and be at peace.
I think you all nailed it and have truly got me thinking and have helped me out. I really appreciate it .
"So I guess remembering that and knowing she's been with other men...kills me some times."
AND KNOWING SHE'S BEEN WITH OTHER MEN, KILLS ME SOME TIMES.
So what are you going to do *next* time these non-put-paid-to negative thoughts come round again and that elastoplast has long dropped off? Just whip your ruler out?
Discussion closed - why not create your own thread?