Huge mess of relationships
So I have quite a long and complicated story involving 3 different people, let's call them T, S, and B. I should start by saying I live in America but am from England, and T, S, and B all live in England. In December I started dating T, and it was nice and everything but the relationship lost luster around the 4 month point and I started falling for S. The problem was that S had a girlfriend, I broke up with T, but he wouldn't break up with his girlfriend because he couldn't do long distance and didn't want to be lonely. I fell in love with S and I didn't care that he had a girlfriend at the moment because I was planning to move to England in a few years and we could be together then, so we stayed into the late hours of the night talking and he said he loved me back, but then in early May he decided that he couldn't do it anymore and he wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend and focusing on his new job, and he broke my heart. In around June I started talking to B, and he was so sweet, and nice, and caring, part of me was still in love with S, but I was falling for B. B told me he liked me in July and I told him I felt the same way, we spent the next few months talking to each other everyday, and I started saving for a trip. In September I got a text from S saying how he wanted me back and he broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him that I did still have feelings for him but that I liked someone else as well. He asked me if I still wanted to visit him, and I said yes. Don't forget T either, I stopped talking to him for a short while after we broke up but soon after we eased back into the friendship we had before we were dating and he was one of my closest friends. By September I was in love with B, but still had strong feelings for S but was too much of a coward to tell S that I liked B more. On September 28th I flew from America to England to my first stop with my friend, let's call him A. A and B are best friends, A considers them better friends than B does sort of thing. A used to like me last summer but we had just been friendly since so I had figured he'd moved on, but he didn't know that me and B were a thing. On the second day of my trip B came over to As house to see me and we kissed when A left the room but he came back and saw us and basically threw a tantrum, saying he still loves me and was angry that we didn't tell him. B and I are taken a back but our thing wasn't condoned by the people I was staying with. B and I went out together multiple times, getting a hotel some nights for privacy and acting like a normal couple and I was so unbelievably happy. It was extremely stressful for both of us dealing with A though, and as of now I believe my friendship is very damaged with A, I left B's town 16 days later with a promise that we'd meet the day before I left back for America for one last goodbye, and then he'd come for Christmas, we'd have Paris in the spring, and then Id come back in the summer. The only problem is the next stop on my journey was S's house, and as soon as I got off the train he kissed me, and I let it all happen. We didn't sleep together but we slept in the same bed and I was unbelievably stupid, he said he loved me and all I thought was 4 or 5 months ago I would have been so happy to hear that, but I wasn't. On my last day with S I barely kissed him, saying it want him to catch the cold I picked up, partially true, but the other part was guilt, guilt to S that I didn't feel the same way, and guilt that I had just done that to B. The situation with B, you see, was very complicated, I wouldn't be moving to England until after university which I had 3-4 years left of, so we would have to be long distance for that long which he decided was impossible, and he wanted us to see other people, saying it was the only way we could work in the end. This devastated me because I just wanted to be in a committed relationship with him, but he said we couldn't be. I went to Wales to visit some friends and part of my trip was cancelled last minute so I did the only thing I could think of and messaged T, he was happy to house me so I went over. When I first got there I had texts from S asking me if I had gotten to Wales okay and everything but I couldn't bare to respond so I ignored them for a few days, and he messaged asking what was wrong so I finally told him that I loved B and that I couldn't be with him, and I think I broke his heart. Quick note here T and S are friends and so are T and B. On the first night at Ts house we were sat on the couch watching tv and it was so weird for me. Sitting across from me was this guy I had dated for 4 months and never even kissed. He offered me his lap to rest my head in and he started to play with my hair. He knew how I felt about B, but I also knew that T was still in love with me. We were very close to kissing but then stopped and I wish it had stayed that way, we talked and I said that me and B weren't properly together so he couldn't be mad, but I shook my head of it but later on we kissed, briefly because he was a terrible kisser, but I felt really cuddly, and asked if he wanted to sleep in the same bed, we didn't and if we would have I only would have cuddled with him. I didn't kiss him at all the next day and then I left. Now see since S and T are friends, T inquires why S was so depressed, and of course instead of opening up to one of his non mutual friends he opened up to T and they both shared their mutual heart break that I caused them, undeliberately of cause, I never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. And T had promised me that he wouldn't tell B about our kiss but not only did he tell B that he told him about S. I was staying in Oxford with my friend D at the time but I was saying in a nearby inn, when the texts first came in i feigned sickness and said I would see D in the morning, because B wasn't happy. T had told little snippets without putting in the other stuff like how I told him I love B didn't want to be with him or how I said immediately after that I regretted it. I used to have a problem 5 years ago with cutting, but got help and hadn't done it since, but I thought I was losing B and just felt so alone and helpless and guilty that I was having problems resisting. T was the only person I had ever told about my problem so I confided in him that I was having issues at that moment and told him not to tell B, but he did. He added even more pressure onto the situation he caused, and made me even more angry at him because I felt like he was deliberately trying to get B out of the picture so that he could be with me. B wouldn't talk to me for 5 days, in which I had moved on to my relatives house and am nearing the present day. Today I find out that T also told him that I made out with my ex to help him weeks before we were properly together, and complicated things further. B talked to me today but he is very betrayed and just so pessimistic about us working out for 4 years and is being so closed off. He says I cheated on him and lied to him when we weren't even in a committed relationship, when he was telling me to date and do stuff with other people. I told him how sorry I am, and how much I regret it and want to be with him but he doesn't trust me. I didn't even have the opportunity to tell him since T told him the day after it happened. B and I are supposed to see each other in a week, but I don't know if he will show up, since he still won't Skype me to talk, he currently says maybe Saturday. I don't know what to do. I'm so heartbroken and it's my fault. I love him so much and I've tried to explain, but he just has lost faith in me. Everything reminds me of him and I can't stop thinking that I've ruined things with the person I love more than anything. What can I do? What should I do? Please help
I'd say I hate to tell you this, but your revealing choice of board name tells me you're actually perfectly aware of what your trouble is. You, Recklesslover, are a Grade A commitmentphobe who isn't taking anyone's feelings, hopes and expectations at all seriously, least of all your own. You seem happy only when in PURSUIT of someone - tellingly, usually someone whom through circumstance PLUS the aid of yourself and your constant acting-out, seems unlikely to actually be catch-able.
You're hooked on The Chase part, including the drama it involves, and that's because while your mind is so busy having to focus on that, you don't have to actually *do* a relationship, let alone a full-blown one, and neither do you have to sit and work out the reasons WHY you're constantly acting as you are as creates this inevitable romantic trainwreck.
I also couldn't help but notice how largely passive and devoid of responsibility your statements were (it was impossible to miss them). It's as if you hope to convince anyone reading this account that you had zero independent will and initiative as somehow renders you a *helpless victim* in all of this, rather than said events having been caused *directly by your own hand*. To wit:
- the relationship lost luster (- tut-tut, naughty relationship!)
- and he broke my heart (- no, you did by having proceeded despite all the signs had read, "Don't go there!")
- he didn't know that me and B were a thing (- because you didn't do the socially-responsible thing of *telling* him)
- B came over to As house to see me (- what, just turned up without your pre-knowledge and say-so, did he?)
- threw a tantrum, saying he still loves me and was angry that we didn't tell him. B and I are taken a back (- B might have been, but you were playing dumb if you'd told yourself A had no designs on you despite you and he were almost-lovers only the year before)
- as of now I believe my friendship is very damaged with A (- no, it didn't damage itself, *you* damaged it)
- The only problem is the next stop on my journey was S's house (- no, you *made* the next stop on your journey S's house)
- as soon as I got off the train he kissed me, and I let it all happen (- because your arms were literally tied, with your head fixed frontwards with nowhere to jerk out of the way to?)
- We didn't sleep together but we slept in the same bed and I was unbelievably stupid (- no, you *let* yourself be stupid by having *chosen* to be)
- On my last day with S I barely kissed him (- you shouldn't have kissed him *at all* if you had feelings and aspirations of forming a firmer, steadier relationship with someone else (B))
- and guilt that I had just done that to B (- all too easy to be guilty *after* the event, isn't it)
- This devastated me because I just wanted to be in a committed relationship with him (- then you should have *said no* to his so-called proposal of an open relationship)
- so I did the only thing I could think of and messaged T (- oh, really? The *only* thing?)
- He offered me his lap to rest my head in (- the answer you were looking for was "No thank-you, it wouldn't be appropriate")
- and he started to play with my hair (- whilst you were yelling, 'No, no, don't!'?)
(I could continue, but it'd take too long.)
Would you really kid yourself through kidding everyone else here that you're just a little leaf blowing powerlessly in everyone else's wind? When are you going to start taking responsibility for your actions and their consequences?
Even aside from all these shennanigans, the fact you flirt and try to start 'relationships' with men who are located so geographically remote from where you live, ALONE is the first giant symptom of your commitmentphobia.
From there, not only don't you want a serious, meaningful, long-term relationship, you don't even want a SHORT-TERM one if it has to involve steadiness.
So my question to you is this: What's the REAL hole you're trying to avoid the call to get busy filling? Or (or 'and') why is your ego so hungry that it goes around engineering a situation of numerous men chasing after you and almost fighting each other and falling out as friends over you?
Way more boyfriends than necessary! Almost at a manic pace.
Like Soulmate asked: What's going on with you that you need such attention and excitement?