I love my man but his baggage is upsetting
I absolutely love my boyfriend. He is the best! We are best friends and finish each other's sentences.
However, he has some baggage that's hard for me to deal with. We met in Canada while he was on a work contract. His contract was terminated and was sent back to Pennsylvania. Now, we are 6 hours apart with 2 separate citizenships. He has 3 children and his ex dislikes me.
I still have to get my education, and I want to pursue nursing. If I take nursing in PA then the only way I can work is if I get married (do not want to jump into something too quickly, we've only been dating a year). If I pursue my education in Canada, I have to have my RN (4 year degree program) in order to be applicable for a Visa.
So as you see, we can do 4 more years of long distance (OUCH) or I can JUMP into this hoping for the best. I want to be able to see my family and friends a lot, but living there it makes it hard to do so.
Does anyone have any advice they can give me?? I constantly think about what I should do and it creates bad anxiety and depression.
on a side note, I'm 21 and he's 29... I don't think I'm ready to be the new "mother" of three kids. (But I LOVE them dearly.. just hesitant about a life long commitment)
on another side note, if I pursue my education in PA and we break up (worst case scenario) my education does not cross over to Canada and I won't have the opportunity to work.
It's your gut instinct talking to you when you state you're not quite ready for the life time commitment of his baggage(which is hard for you to deal with..your words). Given your age, you need to think about your career, rather than a relationship which, although good now, will need a huge amount of input from BOTH of you. It's no good moving interstate to be with him unless you are with him 100% and going by your post and your comments, you aren't.
You are searching for predictability and this search is contributing to your anxiety, but once you act and decide which way to go, you will have made the right decision.
You need to ask yourself which option is best for YOU and YOU alone. Once you establish this, everything else will fall into place.
Agree with Manalone. If you re-read your OP with fresh eyes you'll see what I (and clearly he) saw: MANY more cons about marrying him and moving to PA than pros. So you seem to have answered your own question.
I say 'seem', however, because those cons are all *logical* viewpoints and the trouble is we don't fall in love using our left/logical hemisphere. It's our right/emotional one first and foremost. But then that presents a problem itself because neither do we have the luxury of fashioning and living our day-to-day lifestyle and its quality using our emotional hemisphere. So this is definitely a heart versus head problem. Which gets to overrule?
I'd say head... for the simple reason that enough of any incompatibilities and stress is known to eat away, and quite quickly, at emotional feelings after a while, meaning if the time and set-ups aren't right you could end up falling out of love with the very sole reason for having upped-stix, anyway. And *then* where would you be? Love-less *and* befitting-lifestyle status-less and preference-less.
There's a rule about pairbonding, which is Right Person, Right Place, Right TIME. All three have to get ticked to ensure its lasting success. It sounds as if, sadly, this relationship ticks the first two but definitely not the third... which, as I imply, could turn out to be its eventual downfall...PARTICULARLY when, albeit of the joyous variety, it's stressful enough just trying to cultivate a relationship, let alone all the challenges you mention on top, like becoming a step-mother.
I think it's too much, that entire package.
There again, maybe you and he have the enormous amount of chemistry needed to rise above or conquer all such impediments? I wouldn't know that, only you would.
But what's the hurry, anyway? Why couldn't you sample a year (or even 6 months) of staying put and getting this nursing course underway and THEN see how you feel about the relationship and the relocation?
Is he pressuring you?
Thank you both for your comments. To your question "Soulmate", no he is not pressuring me into this. Simply just waiting for me patiently there and continuing to support my decisions that I must make. As per your comment regarding "emotions will fade away when stress comes into play" my emotions have rest assured. I know I will ALWAYS love him. He's my best friend.
He promises he will help me make all my goals come to life... I know I am just facing a huge amount of fear to REALLY commit. Having trouble accepting his past. But I am willing to seriously try.
Any advice on "blind faith" or accepting something "less picture perfect" than what's in one's head?
You really don't need to follow your head or your heart, rather you need to follow your gut because if you truly wanted and needed this man, without ANY doubt, you wouldn't be here on this forum...it's that simple.
In other words, if your head, heart and gut line up then there is no question about your relationship with him. The fact that your here is telling you that your gut is talking to you...it's not lining up...and it's asking questions.
Actually, all of what Manalone's just said is true, I can't argue with that.
...Unless your reservations *aren't* gut instinct but FEAR (your own baggage) masquerading as such (which it frequently does with these kinds of major decisions). In case it might be, you need to secretly choose a decision - like sticking a pin into a map - and then see how it FEELS so that you KNOW whether head, heart and gut line up.
Until you try that, I agree, you're definitely not there yet (emphasis on yet).
PS: in the large majority of cases, ALL exes despise the new spouse-figure, certainly until they've properly moved on (e.g. themselves found a new love), so I wouldn't worry about that; you can eliminate that reservation from the enquiry as temporary/immaterial.
If you truly love him you will accept his baggage. My guy has a lot of baggage. He was in prison,pastsubstance issues, bad credit, a wild past in many ways but I live him so I accept him as is. He Also accepts my baggage because He loves me. He is a gentle, loving, law abiding man now and That's what counts. If you love this man you will accept him without questioning whether He has too much baggage. Good luck.