Torn between family or wife
Me and the wife have been having problems for a while , the day before i left for 3 months for TAD for the marine corps we got into a heated arguement and she ended up punching me in the face. At that moment i knew we needed major help ofr things would work. Well i left for 3 months and we decided to work on ourselves while we were gone. Now im back but shes still upstate at home working and saving money for here before she comes back. I got a phone call from my mother telling me that shes telling people in the club that shes single. i call my wife to find out about it and shes says its a lie and that she gonna speak to my mother about it and my sister who supposebly my wife told she was. Well this eneded up in a heated arguement between my sister and wife and ended with my wife telling her she gonna punch in the face if she dosnt keep her nane out her mouth. At that moment my other sister came in saying not to threaten her. My wife left after that but decided to text my mother " All white flags are burned im gonna fuck them up"... Im super pissed at her for that since that is so disrespectful and u never send that to someones mother. I called her out on that and she says she dosnt regret saying it , that only she shouldnt have sent that to her. Later on i find out that her and my sister got into a arguement on facebook.
Sister - Fuck with my family and I will make you regret the day you were born. Little girl don't know who she's messing with.
Wife - No motherfucker you dont know who the fuck you fucking with
Sister - Go find french toast. Remember the guy you were trying to leave my bar with??
Wife - Ha you real cute mel your real mature lets just settle this we can find a place and i give you that first class ass beat
Wife - i guess you cant leave that striping life alone
Wife - Get the fuck out of here mel your a joke
Wife - You trying to play me and I was the one to take your bumb ass to work everyday and take you home im the reason you got ya check bitch bye
Sister - learn to spell simple bitch. U came to the bar dressed like a whore with you belly and ass hanging ouut no wedding ring, trying to fuck my friend.U drove me to work to repay me for letting you live in my house.
Wife - Bitch its not your house you dumb fuck you live with ya mom. Like I said your a joke im done with this FB shit if you wanna get beat the fuck up let me know
Sister - I pay rent unlike you. Im the only reason u had a place to sleep here.
Wife - You read what the fuck i wrote im done talking come get this ass whooping and if you cant do that ill gladly come to your work and fuck you up
They are both wrong in this stupid arguement but telling someone to pick a place so u can beat there ass or il lgadly come to your beat and beat you is just un acceptable. Now after talking to my mother trying to patch things up , it seems its not possible. my wife is no longer allowed at my mother house or at any family events. I cant have this as im big with my family and when i do take leave i dont want it that the wife has to stay at her dads while i go hang out with my family. i want it that they can get along and that seems impossible now.
IM in a bad place right now between either choosing my family or my wife i cant have both without issue. I do love my wife but we have alot of issues and now we have this one. Im thinking that we should get a divorce but i do love her and i know that she loves me. but things can never be the same now.
Im just looking for other people opinion on this should i stay with her or get a divorce. Im going to seek counciling tomorrow so i can have someone proffessional help me because at this moment i dont know what to do anymore.
I think its done between the both of you. Being your wife she is supposed to respect you and your family. i suggest you take your wife and family out for dinner just once to talk it out and if it does not work out, file in for a divorce. If your wife really loves you then she would make an effort to keep this marriage work.
Hang on a cotton pickin' minutes - that was a very one-sided account where background info was concerned.
1. What did you do or say that got her so angry as to punch you in the face? Understand, I'm not condoning that action of hers WHATSOEVER because NOTHING justifies someone punching you, particularly in the face of all things. Her inability to control herself under fire is a separate issue. What I'm ASKING is, what made her THAT ANGRY?
2. "Now im back but shes still upstate at home working and saving money for here before she comes back."
Pardon? Saving money for WHAT?
3. So your sisters tells your mother who tells you. How do you know your sister isn't lying? Were you THERE at the time of the alleged incident? Was anyone else - anyone who couldn't POSSIBLY have their own agenda?
4. Look again at that FB acount. Your SISTER was the antagoniser, not your wife. Your wife was just sat there minding her own business. She was forced into the victim position so did what anyone would have done (- albeit, style-wise, only anyone with an inability to keep a lid on it, obviously) - STOOD UP FOR HERSELF.
And for all your claim about how unacceptable it is for your wife to tell someone to pick a place so you can beat their arse - what about opening an exchange with THIS? :
"Fuck with my family and I will make you regret the day you were born. Little girl don't know who she's messing with."
What do you think that MEANS? That your sister's going to shove a Daisy up your wife's nose? Pff, come off it. It could be taken as a supremely hostile threat to actually kill or maim! So don't sit there telling it like your wife's threat was the OTT one because that flies in the face of EVIDENCE.
5. Sorry? F*ck with WHO? Isn't this YOUR marriage? Why are your sister and mother even getting INVOLVED? Who do they think they ARE? Who do they think YOU are?
You should be steaming mad at your sister for having deliberately interfered and antagonised an already delicate situation between you and your wife. WHAT IF BASED ON THAT FB ATTACK YOUR WIFE HAD THOUGHT, 'THAT'S IT, I'M DONE!!'? Would you STILL be mad only at your wife and taking your sister's side?
Both in the wrong, my arse! As far as that fight went, your sister was the one brought it about - no question. What/how was your wife SUPPOSED to say/react to an outright assault like that, and out in 'public' of all places?
BE REAL! That was knowing, deliberate provocation of the major variety of one whom it was already KNOWN was in a stressy frame of mind thanks to yours and her last, very fraught meeting!
Is that your sister or your rotweiller?
You married another version of your sister, didn't you. And sister doesn't like it. Used to always LEAN on you, did she? Can't any more (thanks to wifey)?
You're using your sister to do your dirty work whilst sister's using the problem you have in your - YOUR PRIVATE marriage to get that sister-usurper as far away from you as possible!
And how did you even get WIND of that exchange? Did sis oh-so-helpfully bring it TO you, by any chance? Gosh, how queer. Aim, Fire, BULLSEYE!
And your mother isn't exactly helping matters, either, is she.
Tell these two women to get their noses RIGHT OUT of your private business!
Or don't...and instead just carry on letting your sister AND now mother keep winding your wife up - including this exile from the family house - to where she OBVIOUSLY behaves even worse, whereupon you can feel totally justified in ending this marriage whilst pretending to the world that you didn't do ANYTHING and are totally lilywhite and that the situation is utterly irreparable.
Irreparable my arse. If THAT'S how arrogantly and boundary-smashingly your sister and mother think they can behave, I'm sure you and/or they have had MANY worse fights and fallings out than that.
Do you think my husband would encourage his family members to see me off to get himself out his relationship with me effort- and culpability-free? NO. One, he adores me, no matter HOW heated any fights might get. Thus two, if forced by one or two of them to choose between me and them, he'd tell them to go forever boil their heads with his blessing! And - oh, AYE, make no mistake - HIS sister once tried that coming between us exercise as well, it's very common when a sister's grown used to having a man she can summon with a click of her fingers and feels that privilege under threat. Thirdly, he can fight his own battles. Lastly, fourthly, he's a big boy now, he didn't need the safety of his birth pack to that extent, was ready to make a NEW/REPLACEMENT pack - with me. In other words, he MADE that family versus wife choice the minute he asked me to marry him!
"when i do take leave i dont want it that the wife has to stay at her dads while i go hang out with my family. i want it that they can get along and that seems impossible now.
IM in a bad place right now between either choosing my family or my wife i cant have both without issue. I do love my wife but we have alot of issues and now we have this one. Im thinking that we should get a divorce but i do love her and i know that she loves me. but things can never be the same now."
Then do what you should have done to begin with, which is wade in and start 'knocking some heads together' and demanding peace talks!... Like a grown man!
Lecture over, at ease.
Thanks Soulmate , after calming done from being pissed off at both of them i started reading and investigating all this and came to the same conclusion as you that this wasnt her fault that she was backed into a corner and was defending herself. Im doing right now what i should have done and what u suggesting 'knock some heads together' and demand peace talks.
You and your wife already have problems, then she punches you - then gets into it with your sister and mom. What a mess!
I suggest that you take your bride to another town to live and get your marriage straight (with the help of a professional counselor). Then, and only then, be a united front against all odds (including your family)
Unless you and your woman are together as one, all this other stuff can't be handled.
PS Also agree to put down the boxing gloves.
Well, good for you! Seriously! *That's* how to piss on *my* firework! Giant thumbs-up. (But best let this be a bit of a lesson to you and anyone else on here: it's not sensible do a write-up when you're still emotionally over-wrought because you risk getting biased thus unrealistic feedback.)
Back to your issue, though: what do you intend to do vis-a-vis that heads-banging? I mean, really - three grown women, behaving like that? What are they - FIVE? Clearly, yes, they are, and clearly they need someone who's willing to be mature, pragmatic and sensible to step in. (PS: Where's your dad in all of this, then?)
Know what causes in-fighting amongst the womenfolk in any clan? Lack of male leadership, that's what. I'm not suggesting men are automatically leaders through sole virtue of their gender, I'm just observing on the fact that your sister and your mother seem to have got ideas above their station in having become allowed to think you're their PROPERTY. What a cheek! How the hell and when the hell did THAT happen? What - because you're largely away all the time?
As for your wife, perversely enough - by going so OTT with the aggression, she's displaying she feels the very OPPOSITE of powerful - power-LESS. You've got to admit that punching your own husband - AND when you're the physically weaker, more vulnerable sex - demonstrates not only white-hot frustration as puts paid to any thought of consequence, but also DESPERATION. I mean, you're a marine ffs - what is she - SUICIDAL?! And I can't see any man of the elite forces who's all about self-discipline and -control choosing to go ahead with marrying a woman who loses her rag to that degree on anything verging on a *regular* basis to the point of commonplace. So clearly it's *not* normal for her and just that things have been allowed to slide for too long in order to have degenerated to that base level, right?
Also, I appreciate you admitting you've calmed down, but you've still failed to tell me what got your wife losing her rag to that degree in the first place. Was it a fight about your family's non-rightful interference and control issues by any chance?
A tip for that head-banging if they start arguing about how they were only trying to show loyalty towards you, blah-blah. Point out to them that taking a hand in actions that could all too easily have further harmed your marriage when they already KNEW how precarious things are on that score, carries an underlying message that says, What you feel, think and want means diddly squat because *we* run your life.
If it were me, I'd be sorely tempted to lock them all into the understairs cupboard together for 24 hours. :-p And that's not such a silly idea because, being totally serious about it, one of the very best, tried and tested psychological methods for getting a group of in-fighters to immediately make peace and unite is to BECOME THEIR COMMON ENEMY. You'd know that already, right? So my advice would be to get them all in one place and then roar their faces off, really give them What For, including telling them how disgusted, disappointed and ASHAMED of them them you are. Cue them needing to suddenly form a tight alliance against 'der nasty monster'. It's temporarily self-sacrificial in terms of popularity, but emphasis on temporary. At least it'll deflect their anger away from each other.
And then - agree with Susiedq - a romantic (or even friendly and peaceful) weekend away just the two of you should work wonders. Anyway, if your sister and mum see, via such action - that their little game has outright failed, you might find they think better of continuing their hate campaign or else risk losing YOU instead of her.
Let us know how it goes.
PS: What on earth have YOU got that has three women fighting over you?
Oh, and PS: You'd also better get them to delete that FB altercation, and IMMEDIATELY. You don't want any of your superior officers being capable of ever seeing it or bang could go your chances for future promotion. [taps side of nostril]
1) Parents are divorced and step dad dosnt like to but into these situations.
2) I spoke to my mother on the phone argueing with her for 45 minutes about this situation. I told them to stop telling me thinngs about my wife even if its so called true becuase they know that we were in a bad place already and its like twisting the knife. I know how my wife is and when she says im gonna have a calm talk with her its bullshit , my wife is one of those woman like that to get her point across with yelling and then dosnt want to hear anything after that. So when she said to stay out of my marriage our else , my sister asked what you gonna do and that where my wife said punch u in the face ( wrong and will get fixed ). After that the older sister came in defending my sister to not threaten her. My wife decided that she wanted to go upstairs to my living room and scream down to them that my older sister is a disgrace as a mother , a stripper who will never leave that life ect ect ( Never call someone a disgrace as a mother that just wrong and disrespectful that will get fixed also ). The worst part of the whole situation is sending my mother a text saying " all white flags are burned im gonna beat there asses " That my mother will never get over and forgive her for. The biggestest thing i argued about what the fb battle that my sister knowly posted that status knowing it would cause drama. i ddnt even see that my wife commented on it before i told her to take it down that i knew it was gonna make the situation and sure enough it did. I dont know why but they fell as if they need to protect me which i squashed already and told them to stay out my marriage.
3) No that fight i dont even remember what it was about , but i wanted to talk to get about the fight and she ddnt want to hear it. she likes to walk away from a sistuation and eait for it to just blow over while i like to talk things though to figure out what wetn wrong and fix it. Well i pushed to talk and she asked me to back off or she would punch me in the face ( she has said this many of times but never does ) so i pusued trying to talk it over becuase i hate walking away from a fight not having it resolved and that when she punched me in the face multiple times. She then noticed she fucked up and tried to get her stuff to leave but i stopped her because i again wanted to figure out what the fuck just happened. wasnt even fazed by the punches just suprised she actually did that. At that moment we knew we needed proffesional help but i was leaving for 3 months so we couldnt till i got back.
4) The wife is working upstate back home for when i was gone and her work wanted her to stay a little longer to help before the holiday. she there trying to save money to pay off some loans we have and so she dosnt have to use our joint account for everyhing as she hates using my money.
5) i might do that but at the moment i cant and im not taking leave till after all the holidays so that gonna have to wait.
6) we are starting conciling once she gets back its already set up , and my chain of command knows and is giving me the allowed time for it. she comes back nov. 6th and then we have my marine corps ball nov 8th and a after party to go to after. that weekend tho i will figure out somethng for us to do since i havnt seen her in 3 months.
The fight between your wife and your siblings and mum are a separate issue to the main one, as stems from a sense your wife had at the time that she had nothing left to lose. Whether that's because she recognised she'd gone too far in punching you and loathed the fact this relationship had the power to reduce her to that level or whether because she figured that represented your limit, meaning you'd divorce her - only you'd know. But actions always speak loudest so the fact she's working to pay off a joint loan of yours says to me that she's still thinking the future features you and she as a married couple.
I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe she had a conflict of assumptions in her mind between  you two surely being over (your decision) and  you being remind-able of your deeper down feelings for her if you believed she were vulnerable to the advances of/sought after by other men, and that due to this mixture she figured she could flirt just enough to make your sister want to report straight back to you about it (whereupon you'd start chasing her as would show her you still cared), but that if you'd failed to react, she'd either have a replacement man lined up at the ready or at least would have gained a reminder that life after you did exist. (Making sense?) ...But that what she hadn't reckoned on was that her attempt would prove TOO successful (by way of your sister kicking off unexpectedly too far).
These are definitely desperate acts... and yet they're over-shadowable by, as I say, her continuing to pay off marital debts. Actions win, surface idiocy is just that: idiotic thinking and behaviour courtesy of still being in post-spat DefCon.
Your wife rail-roading you through being close-minded and rigid as well as trying to shout you down is a form of panicking, covering her ears and going 'Laa-laa-laa, can't heear you!'. You must be very good at staying rational thus arguing like a barrister even under fire (course you would, stands to reason if you're a marine) as automatically puts her in the losing position each time... so that would explain her learned, automatic panic reaction. She either needs cognitive behaviour and anger management counselling or you two need to have the mental wherewithal in future during each fight start-up to yell 'Time out!' as a signal to go to separate rooms and argue by email so that both of you get a fair amount of air-play without any of the extraneous negative stimulation, like facial expressions, as can rev you both up (especially her). If this exercise proved far more fruitful it would thereby bit-by-bit, with each occasion, build trust inside the 'war' zone as would reduce her need to panic and lose control of her faculties and conduct.
Trust me, I've had to insist on this measure with my own husband in the past (during one subsequent debrief) because he'd go overly doolally during any contentious discussion as well, meaning whenever he hit that certain critical point of upset, I wouldn't be able to get another sensible word out of him and suddenly it was like trying to deal with a toddler in the midst of a major tantrum, with insults only just stopping short of phrases like, 'Poo, you smell!', to boot (LOL but I'm not joking). Not any more, he doesn't. It worked. Given enough such incidents, the threat from clashes in opinions got removed, meaning he realised panicking was not only totally unnecessary but a total waste of everybody's time and energy, utterly futile...so much so that we were then able to - surprisingly quickly, actually - discard that safeguard and argue face-to-face like *normal* idiots (;-p). These days we can't even be arsed to do the fight dance in the first place. Because we (i.e. he) KNOWS nothing's going to actually crumble, self-combust on the spot or explode into smithereens.
The name of his inner beast back then? BAGGAGE. Exes and, growing up, an abusive, railroading father who taught him that all arguments are necessarily bad and lead to the end of the world.
I also empathise over when a partner floods too quickly and wants to go shut themselves away for however long as leaves you - the proactive/preventative one, the instant fixer - mightily frustrated as well as unable to withstand the situation getting long-drawn-out seemingly unnecessary and mentally agonisingly. The email safeguard again puts paid to this problem, being the perfect compromise, especially if you agree on a 1 hour pre-breather (to let them decompress) before any back and forth typing begins. The other bonus is that the typer gets instant feedback on what it is they're typing, thereby giving their sensible side a chance to decide *against* typing provocations, insults, underhanded slights and expletives (good ol' Backspace button!). (Didn't work between your wife and sister, obviously, but that's because they don't need one another like you two do, and because that exchange wasn't an negotiations exercise but a deliberate duel).
"That my mother will never get over and forgive her for"
Yeah, well, she should remember who's the adult and who's the child here (relatively speaking) and therefore set the example as the mother figure. And also that almost *all* people say stupid things they don't really mean in the heat of any major argument. Shame your dad's a limp lettuce leaf or has opted to roll over in the face of the 'Amazonian women' in that (I'd hope) one particular regard, isn't it, because it would have helped to prime your mum and her mini-mums into feeling they're the pack leaders. Trouble is, they're not exactly doing a great job at it, are they [understatement alert!]. So it's demotions/takeover time. And, unfortunately, the only other person available to step into that role is (I'm presuming) *you*. So there's the next gauntlet that life's thrown before your feet along this, your developmental road, eh.
"The biggestest thing i argued about what the fb battle that my sister knowly posted that status knowing it would cause drama"
Yep. So you might want to enquire of your mum whether she'll find forgiving *that* impossible, too, big fat 'eh!'. Failure to do so will reveal her true agenda, will it not, and in the process reduce her to not just looking like a poor figurehead but also a BIASED, UNJUST one. That's not leadership, is it, it's autocracy aka despotism. Dare she expose herself and her truer emotional age like that, I wonder? Remains to be seen, doesn't it.
Back to your wife: "Well i pushed to talk and she asked me to back off or she would punch me in the face". Suggest you, with your training, should already know never to back any animal into a corner like that - particularly when it's already issued you a warning message - and that even your fluffiest bunny can becoming a raging killer who goes straight for the throat when trapped like that. Still, that yet again is the beauty of the email method, meaning that shouldn't have to happen again.
One thing I can assure you of, though, is that when the injuns are running amok like this AND are involving you, it's because they're crying out (from under the radar where humiliation will hopefully remain hidden and undetected) for you - out of reaching the end of your tether - to opt to become their chief.
Anyway, try these measures to see whether they work, or try proposing them (the email idea to wife) to see if they're well received, and, if not, it's off to counselling with you... or fitting a bolt-lock on that understairs cupboard.
"Good luck, ol' chap (he's going over)!".
Keep me posted meanwhile.