Pushing people away
I seem to have a problem. I always seem to push people away, of course not physically but emotionally. I feel alone and there is nothing I can do about it, or if there is I don't know if I can follow through with it based on the fact that I have lived this way for so long. I over analyze everything. I don't make friends because I am too busy having a pretend conversation in my head about how it will go and all the variations of said conversation. Base on this mach-conversation I will determine wether or not I talk to said person but by the time I either figure out that it's ok, or not and because of my depression and outlook on life it's more likely a very bad ending to the mach-conversation, I lose the opportunity to talk to said person and I'm left alone. Because of this I can feel alone in a crowed room always judging my action and actions that will come base on previous. The worst of it is I end up pushing away those that I can get close to. I end up over analyzing thier conversation s even more, always trying to find out why they said this or what could they have really ment by saying this. It almost sounds like I'm parinoid. But because of my constant questioning I end up saying something that hurts them or myself because I read too much into it. It's gotten to the point that I hardly talk to.my family anymore and it always seem like my fiancee hates me for how I think. I guess I just want to know... What do I do?
Have you talked to your fiance or family about it?
I used to second guess myself and think people were judging me but the thing is that you notice things about yourself far more than others do. What you may think is a big deal may be a minor mistake to another person, the same way we see all our imperfections in a mirror that noone else notices.
If you can loosen up a little you will probably find you are more enjoyable to talk to but I know that depression is a real issue and I hope you are getting medical advice about that.
This issue is what is causing my deppersion because I know what I am doing yet am unable to stop. I have pretty much accepted the fact that I will always push people away and forever be alone even if I'm not alone physically.
There is a course called 'living life to the full' My local baptise church runs it but its ran through GP and others as well. I would recommend it for you,really give it a go, it's fun too.