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Problem with current gf and her guy best friend

Posted by
VINCENTIUS
on Nov 5 2014 at 02:10
Member since: 05 November 2014
Relationship advice Hello all, hopefully you can help me with the situation I came across the other night. Let me give you a little background on some history between me and my girlfriend. We have been dating for a little over two years now, things are very serious as we progress into our lives with each other. We have deep feelings for each other and always talk about moving in together and getting married once we finish out with college. I'm 23 and she is 21. We are both graduating in a year. I have never been the jealous type, and we've never had any confrontations about other guys in her life. There's me, then the only other guy she talks too really is her best friend, we can call him "David."

Her and David have known each other since they were 11 or 12, he is her age. They went to the same middle and high school, and talk a few times a week. I've met him once at a family/friend gathering for memorial day. That was about six months into us dating. I haven't seen him since. I've never thought of him as a threat or anything like that. In fact we've never had any problems up until the other week. They rarely hang out anymore, maybe once every few months, and he has a girlfriend now himself for about 3 months. The other night me and my girlfriend got into a small argument, which was later resolved. On my drive home, I apologized for the argument and some time went by before she responded to me. The next day things were fine between us however she told me she was going to be hanging out with her best friend David this week, and they were texting a good amount while I was there.

One time she laid her phone down while the message was up and I saw him talking about taking her to a sandwich shop nearby. I didn't even think anything of it, until I asked her what they were planning on doing. She told me he was going to come over and they were going to make dinner and maybe hang out and watch a TV show or movie. That's happened a few times maybe three or four times since we've been dating in two years. Like I said I've never had any problems with that until she told me something differently then I read in the text message. That night when she went to bed, I went through her messages and saw the night we got into an argument she texted her best friend David and explain how much she missed him, how much she wanted to go back in time and replay when they were in high school and would hang out on weekends together, and she even reminded him about the time they got snowed in together all day at her house and watched movies and snuggled in their basement. That was a little weird for me to read, however that's not what got me. I kept reading through the messages and he responded to her saying how much she missed her and how he always thought of that and would even sometimes dream about that.

She didn't really respond to anything he said about The whole dreaming thing, except she was really excited they were hanging out and told him she couldn't wait with like five different excited Emoji's. This is the first time in two years I've ever been a little weirded out by their friendship. early on in the morning after reading the messages I made a slight remark explaining how I couldn't wait to spend time with her through the winter, watch movies, and do the things that we do which was pretty similar to what she said to him. She knew something was wrong when I started randomly saying that so she kept asking me if everything was alright or if I was mad at her. Like I said this has never bothered me before and I've never gone through her phone so I chose to not say anything. I told her I had to use the bathroom and when I came back into the room a few minutes later she used The bathroom and while she was in there I went through her messages again one more time for closure and she deleted the message thread between them. Should this bother me or am I overreacting and shouldn't bring it up to her and let it slide? Let me know what you all think and thanks for any tips.

Problem with current gf and her guy best friend
Reply from
EVERLASTING
on Nov 5 2014 at 03:24
Member since: 06 October 2014
First of all, going through a loved ones phone is a serious breach of privacy.

So, I suggest you don't tell her that part.

But I do think you should tell her how you're feeling and that it bothers you that she's been lying a little. Communication is key to any relationship.

Problem with current gf and her guy best friend
Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Nov 5 2014 at 17:01
Member since: 19 August 2014
So is giving away your partners' exclusive rights and privileges to a third party a serious breach of privacy. But *only* if your partner isn't REFUSING TO MAKE USE OF those things. You are. Instead of talking properly you're concerning yourself more with making snidey little hinted statements. Statements aren't communication, they're information (diff/diff).

She and David have had MORE than ample time to get it together romantically, so why haven't they? Answer: not nearly enough chemistry, only enough to be platonic friends come quasi-sister/brother. They're each other's comfort blankies and an anchor (out of many) into the past as act as markers of where they are today courtesy of being able to firmly see/feel where they've come from.

David's own relationship has hit that classic 3 month point where the first power struggle commences, meaning I'll bet you anything you like that he and his own gf are experiencing fights and difficulties and a bid to establish a power ratio (who gets to be overall boss and driver). And you and your gf have hit the second classic power struggle point.

It's always handy for the moreover lazy campaigner to have "the other woman/man" to suddenly pull into the picture. It shuts you RIGHT up because it takes your eye off the power-bid campaign taskload and firmly onto the concept of loss of the total relationship, not just the fair enough power share up for grabs.

People do stupid things during and in the still-hot, still-negative- and childish-minded aftermath of an argument. This was obviously an old argument merely in new clothing. She was obviously tempted to [1] self-comfort ('other men rate me, mleugh!') as well as to feel more powerful to herself by daring to inch her way to flirting with someone...and all she had was this FRIEND, whom, himself having the same need as her, agreed unspokenly/tacitly to join her in her bloody-mindedness and fleeting, impulsive bid to cow you into fear and backing down/shutting up. Repeat: fleeting. That's why when he played his role a bit too convincingly, she immediately backed off a step in failing to acknowledge his over-strong seeming sentiment. She trusts him to be on her wavelength, but not to THAT incredible extent.

Whilst still bristling and wanting to get her own back on you and remind you to have more respect (or else the puppy gets it), she subconsciously- or consciously (don't know which) deliberately LEFT you access to her phone to go through. Otherwise, how would the batting-back come reminder of how much you need her come cowing exercise work? If she'd TOLD you he'd said that she'd have been playing Russian Roulette with her relationship. Better to let you see the messages and have your imagination add 2 + 2 = 5 yourself.

She obviously had second thoughts of regret and panic the next morning, thanks to your confirmation that seen it you had - POSSIBLY. But possibly you hadn't - and so she backpedaled in the form of destroying the evidence as if that somehow would pose tantamountedly as turning back the clock.

Typical 2 year (and 3 month) fight nonsense, nothing to worry about WHATSOEVER. Even if this David *did* have secret designs on her, HE knows it's not real or to be taken seriously - least of all acted upon - because he's had laughably too many opportunities AND, I'm sure, catalysts like this one, to have made their friendship something more. They're just tacit partners in fleeting HINT of there being *potential* crime (if you and David's gf don't watch their mouths, mleugh!), that's all.

Agree with Everlasting that you should invite her to sit down and talk this contentious issue, whatever it is, though - or whatever it was caused the one-off bicker - so that it can't come back round to bite you both on the bums an Nth time. If YOU'RE talking to her - and I mean TALKING, not going yadder-yadder about anything *but* the underlying issue or about mere superfluous, surface off-shoot symptoms, then she won't need to go seek comfort in the form of her ally, David.

Bet you my HOUSE that David left out his OWN phone for - whoopsie-daisy, how did that happen! - his gf to feel compelled to snoop through, as well... or, possibly, would have if your gf had dared 'play the game' at David's higher-risked level by way of having responded in pretend kind to his 'dreaming of it' comment. There again, perhaps he felt he had enough cowing material even without that kind of more threatening/shocking sentiment at the end of said exchange.

In fact, to me, it sounds like your gf and David have actually lost most of what bound them together back in the day as had them meeting up more frequently, and are growing further and further apart, meaning they only bother with each other whenever either of them are in actual dire need (like a sister and brother with largely separate lives do). Bet you anything you like that the minute you and she are back on an even, harmonious keel, she or he or both will, 'oh, dear', find some reason why they can't keep to that appointment after all... 'awww...never mind, we'll try to arrange something else [cough!] soon'.

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