Was I wrong to stop sex entirely?
I have been dating a woman for several months now. She has been the first woman I've dated since my wife passed, which was years ago. She is younger than I am, and was a virgin when I first met her. We slowly became intimate, and she did tell me the first time hurt. Not as much as she expected, but it hurt. However, it still hurt her the second time we fully had intercourse. We have tried again a couple of times after that, but she kept telling me to slow down or stop entirely due to pain. It should go to say we use lube and do foreplay.
She and I had a long talk about a week ago about it, and I told her it might be best if we back off and let her get more comfortable. It has been years since I was intimate with a woman, I can live without sex. But she takes it as I don't care, or that I no longer want her.
I am female and I had that exact problem as your girlfriend.
My boyfriend was so patient and great though. What we ended up doing was going back a few steps. He would please me in other ways, particularly fingers, which helped me get used to having something inside. There are also a bunch of toys we used to help as well.
I think that's what you need to do. It's sort of like "training" the vagina to accept penetration.
Also, when you do try inter course again, try switching positions. Believe it or not, girl on top is actually best to prevent pain. She can control the speed and depth you enter.
She has told me she doesn't like the idea of being on top, she doesn't see "how it will help." Her words.
Dude, this situation sucks, I've been there. For me there were no emotional issues, I was just really tight.
Doctors will help if shes brave enough to ask, I was too embarrassed. Instead I bought something called a Vagi-wave, you sleep with this specially shaped trainer inside you and it physically and subconsciously gets you used to having something inside you. It all takes time but although if you mutually agree backing off for a short time while she seeks help, it does crush your self esteem as a woman. Whatever things you do or say usually that make her feel good, do it so more often, encourage her its not forever if she seeks help and tell her how sexy she still is to you. When you have low self esteem its harder to believe it, hence the need to keep repeating it and showing it. Saying "I don't see how it will help" sounds like shes feeling pretty discouraged.
Maybe you telling her you really want to have sex with her will encourage her to seek help, she may be tempted to give up if she doesn't think you want her!
Once I'd finished retraining myself it still took patience not to rush into it, lkke you say, lots of lube and foreplay and using his fingers to find out how relaxed I was. If you're on top, go so slow it feels like youre not doing anything and I found it helped for him just to push his tip in and out to start with and get a tiny bit deeper every now and then.
It does get better, for her sake dont give up on sex. It will be tough on you to be so understanding in bed and so encouraging while she may be really negative, but it sounds like you care about her and you can help her so much.
FIRST, a visit to her OB-GYN - ASAP - to rule out anything physical as the cause of her pain.
This may not be an issue for you now, but it has to be dealt with. Why resign yourself to a sexless love?
You don't mention if there are other interactions between you two that are sexually satisfying. Learn how to pleasure each other without intercourse.
Good luck and don't let this fade into an unimportant issue.
May I ask your ages?
Why resign myself? Because I don't want to hurt her, and I know it frustrates her immensely. So I assumed it would be better to stop for now. And no, there are no other interactions between us that are sexual.
38 and 25, respectively.
Still could use some advice.
How about couples counseling? (female therapist)
You seem resigned to a sexless relationship - and you seem depressed. You need to take care of yourself. She may have issues that have nothing to do with you.
Don't let this fester like this. Get some help for both of you.
I am not into the idea of counseling.
I went to the doctor for the same problem. My doctor essentially said practice makes perfect, but did tests anyway. They found a cyst on one of my ovaries and removed it. When I was able to be active again the pain was still there. It really was just a matter of time and getting used to the discomfort-not necessarily pain. Now it is all fine. It took about 6 months for it to be completely normal. Just give it time but don't stop.