Like every other person reading this forum we all have had troubled pasts and make horrible mistakes. Something is terribly wrong with me. Why? well let me explain. On the surface I am a decent person but inwardly I am not a nice person. Ever since I started dating I have done something to sabotage my relationships. I grew up in a 2 parent household but there was abuse both physical and verbal. Today I am an adult who survived child abuse so to deal with my issues I began to see a therapist and with her I discovered that I suffer from anxiety and PTSD. It finally made sense why I flipped out at the most inappropriate times, my anger was misdirected and I ruined a lot of friendships due to who I am and what I am. I have a wonderful boyfriend! I don't deserve this man...I have put him through so much emotionally but he always finds it within himself to forgive me. He is so opposite of me and its pretty scary. He is a go getter, great Father to his some from a previous relationship, patient, passionate, smart, athletic, and too good for the likes of me. Since my way of thinking is so warped I have come to a sad realization that I may have to leave him so he can find someone more worthwhile. Recently his Uncle passed away and I feel horrible about it, My heart goes out to him and his family because he died so suddenly. It breaks my heart to see him so sad and I know it will take time for him to heal. Here is where I am selfish...My mind tells me that since I ma his girlfriend I should be the one he turns to but he seems withdrawn and is concentrating on finding a way to get through this tough time and all I can think about is: Does he still love me, Am I still important to him, Are we on the verge of breaking up? I feel horrible for thinking this way. I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be feeling as he does. Ugh! I hate what I am and who I am. How do I change this selfish attitude? Growing up I was programmed to think I was nothing and although I am an adult now those thoughts still live in my mind. I am aware that I am self-centered, selfish, and an ugly person inside. It's time to go back into therapy on a regular basis and address these things raging inside of me that have nothing to do with my boyfriend. He is going through his own issues. Luckily I have been able to give him space and be there for him if and when he needs to vent but why is it always about me and my feelings? It's time for a change. I know that eventually we will break up because that's just the way my luck goes but its time for me to change. How do become a better person not for anyone else but for my own peace of mind? How do I stop being so selfish and ugly inside? Any ideas on how I can help my boyfriend heal and at the same time become a better person?
It's not a selfish attitude, it's a survivalist one.
Well, with having grown up amid a relationship template that featured an high level of abuse, and with no siblings with which to talk things through to make sense of it all and keep it in proper perspective, it's hardly surprising that you don't dare go there, the position where true intimacy takes hold, is it. I mean, if throughout your childhood every time you'd gone near an apple tree with over-ripe apples you'd ended up stung painfully by wasps (as resulted in a serious allergic reaction) meant that nowadays you steered clear of apple trees, would you expect that to prove you stupid? OR INTELLIGENT.
You're just not being as clever as you COULD be, however, because you've failed to spot the bleedin' obvious distinguisher: OVER-RIPE apples, not 'just apples'. Plus the fact that you come to any relationship wearing a suit of armour.
You just need to keep to what you can tell are trees featuring optimally ripe apples, combined with toning that armour down a fair bit so that you can touch the tree and the tree touch you. Viola! - safe.
Having become an over-conscious control freak would have been another result. So this "I may have to leave him so he can find someone more worthwhile" ISN'T YOUR DECISION, IT'S HIS...AND HE CLEARLY DOESN'T WANT THAT SO, TOUGH TITTIE, CONTROL FREAK NO. THREE-ZILLION-AND-TWO. ;-p
You're just scared, that's all (so trying to find great excuses to run, excuses that, well, EXCUSE your level of fear so that you don't have to think yourself fruit loopy). It takes *TIME* for one to break out of that kind of deep-laying conditioning. And it takes overlaying, as in, for example, this: "Oh my god, is he going to 'hit' me?.......No, he didn't, PHEW!". With enough time and repetition of those kinds of differences, the conditioning will get replaced and re-filed as Null & Void, Obsolete.
As for your boyfriend's style of grieving? Typical of a more independent-minded, cat-like man (as in, would rather sequester himself for whatever suitable period behind the garden shed than interact/talk and burden you whom he's supposed to be protector of), means diddly squat.
Also, who cares what you (have been told you should) think of yourself. Are you having a relationship with yourself? En Oh. Only what he sees, opines and feels matters. And clearly, when not preoccupied with something major like mourning, he thinks the world of you.
"I am aware that I am self-centered, selfish, and an ugly person inside."
Clearly not. A self-centred person doesn't write empathetically over their partner like you've done. A selfish person can't even GET to yours and his level of bondedness as has him determined to forgive and persevere over your baggage. And an ugly person, if you mean physically? - no such thing because it's a subjective not objective opinion thus isn't actually a reality in the first place (just a genetic-led perception).
Also, other than being sweet and kind and taking a load off by doing some of his household chores, along with what you're already doing, it's not your job to manage his healing, it's his to just get on with it (he da man and that's what men do) and to ASK you for your help if/when he needs it.
"I know that eventually we will break up"
Yeah. And once you knew that you'd never go from nappies to potty to big girl's toilet as well. So, then, pray tell what brand are you wearing right now, Control Freak Three-zillion-and-two - Huggies or Pampers?
How to become a better person: "Just keeep swii-mming, just keeep swii-mming..." (- name the film!)
PS: Nice try at wriggling out, though (just not nice enough).LOL
Sorry - 2nd para - actually meant to type 'true COMMITMENT'.
You don't have to be all things to all people. Cross 'grief therapist' off from the list.
Allow your BF to grieve in his own way. This is a time where he may have to be there for support for his family members, too.
You can be there when the dust settles - as a good listener.
Are you strong enough to step back, give this some time, and let him process this in his own way?
Greetings Responders I want to thank you all for responding to my problem. I appreciate you Soulmate and SusieDQ for taking the time to read my post and simply giving your input. I appreciate it and I am sending both of you positive energies on this evening. Your views helped me to understand some things better and I look forward to reading more from both of you. Thanks so much! HI-FIVE!