Depression / anxiety medication and boyfriend trouble
Three weeks ago I went to the doctor and told him about the depression I've been experiencing for the past several years. I had finally decided it was time to say something to him, as this wasn't going away. I was apprehensive because I'd talked to my mom about the severe negativity I'd been feeling for all of those years, but she'd always told me it was something I'd "grow out of". It ended up not being something I just grew out of over the past 9 years. It got worse, I began to think about self harming, although I never did anything out of fear about what other's reactions would be. Around 2 years ago, I started having anxiety attacks. They started as just a nagging problem that I couldn't stop thinking about, but grew until about 3 months ago when I started having physical side effects such as horrible chest pain. The last attack before diagnosis was so horrible, my parents took me into the ER for fear that it was a heart attack. I'm almost 20 years old with an active lifestyle, healthy diet, etc. The medical staff hooked me up to all of their machines and determined my lungs, heart, and other vitals were perfectly fine. They diagnosed it as esophageal spasms and sent me home with medicine and a request for a follow up with my family doctor. I went to my family doctor and talked to him about the visit. The first thing he said was he didn't think it had anything to do with me physically in the aspect they were supposing. I agreed and finally opened up about the depression I've been feeling for the past many years. I've been with him as my primary care physician for over 15 years and he's always been very hesitant to diagnose psychological issues (but they do run in my family).
My boyfriend whom I've been with for a little over a year suggested I talk to my doctor before the severe anxiety attacks started occurring, because I am "over emotional". This started a lot of fights, but I eventually started to agree, and this was another thing I talked to my doctor about. He asked if others had made similar comments and I admitted that my mom had.
Immediately, he spotted it as clinical depression with anxiety and put me on medication. I've been on the medication for a little over three weeks and I'm scheduled for a follow up next week. The Zoloft he prescribed I feel is helping me with feeling more neutral, but when I do have those down moments, they are worse than ever. There is no rhyme or reason behind them, and they're starting to bring suicidal thoughts.
My boyfriend also suffers from depression, although he refuses to go to the doctor to get help. His suicidal thoughts are even worse than mine when I'm on this new medication.
Last night I told him how the medication has been making me feel, and asked what his thoughts were. His only response was "do you even need meds?". This really confused me as he's constantly saying things like "Did you take your meds this morning?" when he gets mad at something I say. Which would insinuate that he thinks I need to be on them.
This morning I asked him what he meant since he'd never answered. He says I still think too far into things. I agreed, but also argued that that type of thinking is how I've always been, even since before the depressed thoughts about 9 years ago. He just said "I don't know" then flipped out at me when I still wanted to talk bout it. I stopped taking to him because I don't want to say or do something stupid.
I feel like he should know better than anyone else if I've acted different, as I spend more time with him than anyone else, but he gets mad at me and refuses to talk about it. He says "I've noticed nothing, so there's nothing to say." At this point, I'm not sure what to think.
Obviously the suicidal thoughts brought on by the medicine means Zoloft isn't the best choice for me, HOWEVER, I'm not sure what to do beyond that. He says the medication doesn't seem to be doing anything, but then says hurtful things like "someone forgot to take her medicine" when I'm upset.
At this point I'm so turned around and confused. I'm starting to think he may be the one causing the anxiety attacks, because he expects me to be as emotionless as he is. He never wants to talk about anything that is concerning me, and when I tell him I need his support, he blows up and attacks me with very hurtful things, then gets angry when I become upset. (This last incident that I described above is EXTREMELY mild for the type of things he normally says. If you look back at my past posts, you'll see a few more major varieties.)
According to him, every concern I have that I bring up is stupid and pointless. When I say that I need to talk about it, he just starts just making thing up, which lately are becoming very hurtful, and just saying them "to shut me up".
It's like being with two different people. Most of the time he is fun loving, sweet, silly, and fun to be around. Then other times he becomes this spiteful, angry jerk, that NOBODY would want to even think of hanging out with.
I've asked him to go see a doctor about his depression and anger, and he always has an excuse: "nothing's wrong I'm fine", "I never have the time", "the doctor will just think I want drugs", "you seem to be the only person who has a problem" (even though besides his parents, I'm the only person he is EVER around), etc.
It's really important that you also be in counseling during this time. Didn't the Dr. give you a referral to a counselor? Group counseling is important. Find a woman counselor specializing in depression ASAP.
You need to be surrounded with healthy people. Your BF has severe issues, now he challenges your efforts to get better. Perhaps he sees you changing or getting better as a threat.
Your mother doesn't seem to understand depression either. Don't look for validation from her.
Don't talk to your BF about this issue. He's not a therapist and not trained or even aware how to be supportive of people going through depression.
Think about where he is in your life. Do you really need his nay-saying?
I think you're expecting more from him than he's capable of giving/being. He clearly can't handle your emotions atop his own, gets overwhelmed, feels helpless (men hate that) and immediately floods before commencing Operation-ette Push Her Away - with something insulting to anger you, usually. And that kind of dismissive, blaming comment is typical of the type of men who lack emotional maturity and knowledge about how women tick: "Awww, PMT, love?", is a typical example in that same vein. He's just clueless and immature, I reckon.
More to the point, he's not a rock, he's lost and needing to lean on something himself. And he's certainly not one of your girl friends.
Susie's right, you need an understanding female.
No, he didn't say anything about any type of therapy. He was clearly hesitant to talk to me about it at first, but I pushed the issue. When I go in next week, I plan on asking, or at least searching for something in my area.
Yes, you again! Thank you!
No, my chimp is not a rock, I feel like he's more lost than I am, but isn't as willing to accept advice and help. Alas, another *wonderful* guy trait…
I've tried so hard to make friends, but I feel like every time I do, I'm just the back up friend. I've never really had a true friend until my chimp.
Oh, it's you, hello - I didn't realise!
Can I make a suggestion? If you start a brand new thread instead of adding to your existing one, can start by at the top pasting in a link to your old one? That way, people can get the whole picture rather than bits and pieces in isolation and can give more correct feedback. Ta.
In fact, this mutual depression would have had a huge bearing on what appeared to be your prior issue and would have been mightily handy to know.
What was the title of your old thread again? Can you pop a link in right now?
We just got into another fight. This time about the amount of time we spend together. He says all he does it work, see me, go to bed, then repeat the process. He says he never gets time to himself.
He's also a huge procrastinator on his homework.
Three weeks ago, he got accounting homework that should take about 6 hours to complete online.
He waited until the week it was due to do it, telling me he had to get it done.
(I worked 7 nights, 4-10:30, over the course of the two weeks previous when he'd had the homework.)
So Monday and Tuesday I didn't see him at all. He did his homework, didn't text me when he was even going to bed, etc.
Wednesday he got off work at 7pm (he chooses when he gets off) and I went to his house, cooked him dinner, ate with him, spending about 3 hours total, and left.
Thursday we had the first part of our hunter's safety course, so he came straight home from work, and me from school, and his dad let us borrow his truck to drive an hour to our class. After the class let out, he drove me the hour home and them he went home.
We had already made plans wednesday that i'd come over and cook for him again tonight, help him with his business project, then go home.
Tomorrow, he was going to pick me up early in the morning and drive the hour to attend the second half of the class, then drive me home, again using his dad's truck and fuel.
This morning he asked me what our plans were for tonight, I told him I'd come over and cook for him then help him with this project, and he said "boring". I suggested a movie and he said "I guess". I asked if he had a better idea and he said stay home by himself. I again asked him if he wanted to hang out or not and he said he didn't care, I'd just find an excuse to come over. I told him he seemed tired, he works hard, and that we could just stay home tonight and do our own thing. He responded "okay, i'm getting off in an hour and a half (at 3)."
This was surprising to me, as he had told me earlier he was working until 7.
He said he just felt like being lazy.
I don't know how the subject came back up, but later he asked what our plans were for tonight. I reminded him he said he'd rather stay home, and he said "I said i didn't care". I said "Well, i'd like to see you tonight" and he's like "fine, but i won't be off until 7." Then when I asked what the difference was between him being at home relaxing and him being at home relaxing with me, he said me, because I "bug" him…
I didn't know how to take this so I just shut up for a while.
He asked again hat our plans were and I said we'd just stay home, because i didn't want to bug him, and he said "I'm done talking. I'll see you inAndover tomorrow".
Andover is the city the class is being held in.
I told him I'd be ready at 6 still if that time was fine with him, and he said no, he wasn't coming to pick me up. I asked him very nicely "I really don't have the gas, may I please have a ride there and back tomorrow?" and he just replied "I'm done talking." then all of a sudden, he just texted me "1.5 hours then I'm done" "It's gonna be a long few hours."
I responded that I thought he was done talking, and he said "Yeah, I was, I can ignore you if i want."
I only responded "yeah, you can" and he asked "do you want me to?"
So if we're hanging out, he's getting off at 7, and says i bug him.
If we're not hanging out, it's my decision and he's getting off at 3.
Now he's playing the power game and i don't care to play, but if i ignore it, it's like he's won.
What to do?
Oh, I forgot to mention I've also been writing his final paper for him for his English class. It's already taken me at least 16 hours of my time, and all I've gotten from him is a "yeah, thanks".
He's also telling me he wonders if it'll work because I "over react" to everything and never give him privacy or time alone.