Should I just give up on my relationship with my mother like I have given up on the lost cause with my father?
I admire my mother in the sense that she has worked hard her whole life to keep a roof over our head because my father was hardly around when I was a young child and in and out of my life- but my mother was always a bitch about it. She has always made it out like we owed her something for having us in the first place.
She was always physically abusive to me and my brothers- she used to kick the shit out of me, went as far as punching me, she would pull my hair, slap me, do whatever she would to discipline me and my brother, but one thing for sure was she treated our little borer like gold, gave my older brother responsibilities that only a husband should have had, and just treated me like shit all the time because I was her problem child. I don't ever remember her holding me when I was a kid, or really hugging me or showing me any affection that a normal mother would do with her kids- all I remember is her getting physically abusive with me, blaming me for everything bad that would happen, and if I cried or needed comfort all I remember is her yelling at me to shut up. But if my little brother cried or my older brother cried she was always there to condole them. She was more so mentally abusive and degrading to my older brother when he was a kid and couldn't handle a lot of responsibility she gave him like watching us for example, and it would be the end of the world to him because he couldn't get her approval, and then when she was pissed and angry at me I was the punching bag and the person to shun and throw blames at all the time, which is why I have come to the conclusion that she has blamed me for her divorce win my dad and why our family is nothing but dysfunction.
But when she realized that My older brother was too young for big responsibilities like watching us, she would take us over to abusive baby sitters to watch us all the time. One baby sitter in particular used to take the belt to me and my little brother for no reason- if it wasn't a belt it was some paddle she had with hard crunchy Velcro on the outside of it so every blow I would get with it it felt like tiny pins and needles jabbing into my ass and he would hit me hard with it. She used to pull my hair as well and then whenever she was trying to lay low on spanking us out of fear of leaving bruises, she would force me and my little brother to sit down Indian style and stand up over and over again for hours on end, or get her husband to continue the abusive behavior. She had a baby when I was five and the very next year when her baby was able to walk around and move around all the time, she would pull the barrettes off her hair and my baby sitter would blame us and use that as a reason to continue to physically abuse us. It didn't stop until after her husband hauled off and slapped the fuck out of me when he had no right to and my dad tried to push charges on him, but didn't succeed because I was afraid of the intimidating investigator asking me all the questions and I clammed up. I would tell my dad what would happen all the time and he couldn't do anything about it because he didn't have custody and if I told my mom like I had done before she would have just called my babysitter, and I would get there the next morning and get the belt for telling my mom and pretty much she continued to use it as a tactic to scare me and keep my mouth shut, and my mother continued to send me over over there.
After the whole incident with her husband they told her that they couldn't watch us anymore because they realized that the older I was getting I was going to eventually tell,someone and not be afraid- so my mom sends us over to a religious nut job and her Charles Mansonesque husband to start watching us and it was sheer emotional agony over there- I would tell you everything I went through over there it would be a long and huge story- but let me just say in a short and sweet conclusion that I guess I wasn't acting Christian enough for them, and every single day I was getting punished just for being a normal kid- I couldn't look around, I couldn't watch tv, I had to lay down on my side on the couch and face the wall every single day because their kid had an attitude about something I did and would tell on me over every single thing, and it would be over something stupid like talking about super Mario (they thought video games and real tv was evil they think medicine and doctors were evil and even public schools) the kids weren't allowed to get vaccinations or see a doctor when they were sick- so one day their daughter pushed me off a balcony that was high for me considering how I was only 4"11 at the time, and my foot landed in a coffee can buried half way out of the ground and did a 360 and her stupid husband punished me for it like it was my fault and forced me to get up and walk on it after the dr told me not to walk on it because he claimed The Lord would make it better. And my mom knew he was a nut and continued to send us over there- I even recall her sending us over to a druggie's house and my little brother broke up all her cigarettes so she grabbed him and sat him in a baby swing and shoved a diaper over his head as a method to make him sleep. I remember checking on him periodically because he was just out cold and he almost looked dead hunched over his swing.
My whole life because my mother was overwhelmed with being single with three kids she would just drop us to stay with anyone regardless of what they were doing to us. She has constantly fought with my dad over who has to do this and that and went as far as telling my aunt the reason she chose to work nights was because she wanted to stay as far away from us as possible.
I never got a chance to be a kid with my mother nor did my older brother because she never let us go out and have friends- throughout elementary school I went to four different schools, and when I finally settled down in one and I made friends that invited me to go out with them she would always tell me no because I had to stay home and be a house keeper to her and play servant to her when she got home from work- she would always come up with an excuse for me to not go but I knew it was deep down she was too lazy to get up and do anything in the house for herself so she would call on me to do it all the damn time and every five minutes she would call my name. I always wanted to buy her a bell to be smart ass but I knew she would have clocked me for it. But I never felt like a kid to her but a slave because she would always claim that she was in pain all the time. She never gave me a chance to prove that I was a good person and would automatically tell me I couldn't go out when I got older and would accuse me of asinine things like being pregnant at 12, and smoking weed, which I had never done.
So I went wild getting right out of high school because she caged me and oppressed me and I have calmed down now but she still has an attitude with me like she is mad at me about everything even though I never did anything to her- in fact I am almost out of school and I mention I might be getting a hair cutting job soon and all she says to me is whatever- when I tell her I love her all she says is yeah. I'm tired of her attitude and her being a bitch to me because I didn't grow into the person she wanted me to be and literally tried to beat me to be. I know I have made mistakes but she acts like she was the best parent and only put in half assed effort like my dad and put me and my brothers through a bunch of unnecessary drama because she was tired and worked all the time. But she still has an attitude, I have changed, and tried to talk to her but she doesn't want to, so should I keep bothering?
You certainly are a survivor, aren't you? In spite of some really bad experiences with adults who let you down, you sound like you can look forward to the future.
So the question is: will mom be a part of that?
Do you realize that you are asking her to lift 500 pounds? She just can't do it, incapable, doesn't dare, gets angry when asked. So don't think she can do it! Don't wait for her to ba able to do it. (This 500 pounds is her becoming a compassionate, supportive, loving mother)
I know there is that ache for the "mother love" but you are not going to get it from this particular woman. In fact, she is still toxic to you, emotionally and spiritually. So the challenge is for you to distance yourself from her in a way that is healthy for YOU. Counseling would help you get a good balance to that.
Are there any other adults in your life who you would feel close to? Cultivate that relationship. Also, see if you can bond with your siblings. They may need nurturing, too. Figure out how to break this chain of abuse in your family.
"I'm tired of her attitude and her being a bitch to me"
I imagine you are, yes. (PS: Do you most resemble your dad by any chance?)
Since Susiedq's covered every responses angle so well, suffice it for me to suggest you turn those copious lemons your mother (and all who sailed in the shipface) gave you and make deluxe lemonade out of them. Write it all out as a book. Not only will it be cathartic for you, but you could make some major spondoolichs into the bargain. I know Dave Peltzer et al have already been there and done that, but for one, you're a different generation with a new generation of readers; and two, I don't know about anyone else, but I think your writing and self-expressivity style holds great potential (I was sucked right in and forgot where I was). And put it this way: nobody ties the *regular, nothing special* kid to a chair, do they. Only those that are exceptionally intelligent/talented thus a threat as well as an highly disquieting source of unflattering self-comparison. So *do* something with that bona fide superiority.
And then when you're well-off and successful and Mommy Dearest holds out her hand, you can deposit 5 whole pounds into it with a smile, can't you. After all, according to her long-held beliefs, that amount would be downright generous, wouldn't it. Or maybe you'll show her what true generosity is, out of the realisation that had it not been for her you wouldn't now be "here"?
'What goes around, comes around' / 'Don't get mad, get even' / 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. And sh*t is just another word for fertilizer (- mine).
Thank you susiedq and soulmate for the advice. I have thought about turning all this into a book but I might have to change everything around so my parents won't know it's actually about me and them.
Go for it! (I'll keep a look out for it.)
I'd say 'good luck' but rock-hard/exceptionally intelligent types like you don't tend to need it.